The Struggles Are Real

It is hard to feel sympathetic towards others in pain when you, yourself are suffering. Especially on a daily basis. I do feel bad for those with pain. For those with deformed spines particularly. I can have a real sympathy for them.

I know only too well the hardships they face doing the simple things in life. Everyday is a process. Pushing myself to keep going. Striving to get things done. Pregnancy made things so much harder, both during and then after. I've sought help from several doctors over the past several years. More than once, I've heard words that essentially meant, "I can't help you." One doctor even told me, "You are a strong woman. Learn to live with it." I still have a double curve. My arthritis has spread throughout my body. In some ways, my research has made me more of an expert than most of the real 'experts'. A disc slipped. Crushed the nerve under it. Then I found out I had Degenerative Disc Disease. 

 Degenerative discs are when the discs in the spine are under pressure and begin to "dissolve". I know it runs in the family as my aunt had to have a rod put in to support her lower spine. I had one doctor suggesting we should do laser surgery to remove whatever was causing the pinching of the nerves. If that hadn't worked, he wanted to just insert rods again.  

We never got there there. I had my baby, life moved on. And so did we. Went to a new town. My neck lost its natural curve, causing migraines and headaches. New doctors said I was beyond help by them and the scientific knowledge and equipment they had access to.

Back when searching for answers was important to me, I was really feeling like a walking disaster. I had depleted my PTO at work. Between child care, vehicle issues, pain and inability to walk... I felt like a lost cause most days. 
I got so tired of the life that meant telling my kids, "Mommy can't right now." I'm still not wanting to socialize because I don't like those pitying looks or "poor you" comments. I'm tired of seeking answers and coming to dead ends. Of wanting relief and finding only more pain.

I have learned of all kinds of pain relief methods. Some that work for me. Some that don't. But it gives me options to suggest to others who are in a similar situation as I am. 

Epsom salt baths

Heating pad and ice pack revolutions

Over the counter medicine is round the clock on my hardest days, but I've been warned about liver and kidney damage. 

Stretch and walk as often as I can. 

Through everything, pain persists. Sleeping, sitting, walking, reclining - sometimes it just doesn't matter what I do. However, I can proudly say, I'm surviving through it. I'm living life as best I can. Day by day. 

For all of you out there who have back problems - I feel your pain. I understand every ache. I know what you go through daily. It may never get easier unless you take drugs or have surgery. No, it will most likely get worse. Every day it gets harder to roll off the bed. To stand and wash those dishes. To lift that bag of groceries. To sit at a computer for 8 hours. To smile at those you pass while pretending you are okay. But we can't stop. As much as I want to give up or as often as I question, "Why me?" I have to remember that I'm needed no matter what. I have to keep trying and be patient. As my husband often reminds me, we have to wait on God and His timing. It's hard. Very, very hard. I'm usually very patient. More so than most. But I do struggle daily.
Keep on trying. Don't give up. Answers will come. Whether they are what what you want to hear.... that remains to be seen. But don't give up.

A Mother's Confession

I have something to confess. Something that I'm angry and frustrated at myself for. Yet, it is something I can't change about myself. Ready? 

I was wishing yesterday. Wishing that I could give up. That I could be done with this life. That is my confession. 

Now here is the story behind it and the turnaround. 

I'm 33 years old and I have the inner skeletal make-up of an 80 year old. And to think, it all started back when I was 15. My Nana Bonnie told me then, "Girl, it only gets worse from here." She wasn't being negative. She wasn't trying to bog me down. She was just being honest. Something I have always appreciated. At 15, I wanted to believe that I was still strong and would come out on top. I lived as though that thought of mine was true until my mid-20's. Then life caught up with me. 

Slowly falling apart...

After 4 kids and a hard work life, my body just can't handle it. I have been diagnosed with so many health issues, all stemming from my back deformities, that I was easily depressed and so ready to throw in the towel when the pain got too hard. I'm too young and not close enough to death to qualify for real painkillers. So instead they offer anti-depressants to try to trick the brain into holding on to happy feelings longer. I'm not about that life, so I've chosen to go over the counter with my medicine intake. I take an Aleve and 1-2 Ibuprofen at a time. Sometimes twice a day, if it is really bad. 

These last several days have been really bad. All day, everyday. I feel as though my nerves are all fighting to have the most attention. As if every part of me is trying to ache at once. The right side of my chest, just under the breast, has an ache that makes breathing painful. So what do I do unconsciously? I stop breathing. Caught myself doing that a few times now. So then I'm battling lightheadedness on top of it all. 

Yesterday was the hardest. I kept having to catch myself from falling. Walking hurt. I lost feeling in my right leg. My chest hurt on both sides. And when my husband went to rub the lower back, he pressed the spot bothering me only to find a lump. When he pressed it, I cried out. I limped into church that morning and kept holding back gasps as pain shot through me. 

Letting it all go...

When we got home, I cried. I made lunch for my family and tried to keep the tears back. I don't cry in front of my family unless I just can't hold back or I can't hide from them. I was angry I ever promised my husband I wouldn't ask God to end it all for me. Pain messes with you in ways you are ashamed of. 

But the pastors message of Sunday came to mind. A reminder that I desperately needed. I have been praying for my healing daily. Praying that I can just be pain free and keep walking. The doctors keep saying they can't do anything. So what else am I to do? Every time I see one, something else has gotten worse. So I pray. 

Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

But that doesn't mean I'm meant to be healed. Only according to God's will does a prayer get answered. Sometimes through natural ways, sometimes through a miracle. It really is a miracle I'm still walking today. Sometimes I feel like the original Little Mermaid. Not the Disney version. The Hans Christian Andersen version. Where she danced for the prince, even though it felt like her legs and feet were full of broken glass shards. What was with story-tellers like him?? Anyway, I sometimes feel the same kind of pain. Can't think of any other way to describe it, but I push on through it. Only by God's grace have I been able to get out of bed every morning. Have I been able to homeschool our kids. Have I been able to take care of my daily duties as wife and mother. It sure hasn't been easy. My determination has been sapped pretty heavily of late. Can't tell you how many times I wished someone else could take over for a bit. But I keep pushing on. I keep praying. My prayers remind me of Desmond Doss of Hacksaw Ridge.

So when I heard Sunday's message, that we have to pray knowing that it is only in God's will and His perfect timing that things happen as they do, that I am reminded to give it all over to God. I could not do anything without Him. I could not go on without His strength. And the fact that I'm suffering is because He is still working on my life. I can't give up. No matter how often I want to. I still have a purpose here. I still have something He needs me here for. I do know one of those things. He is working patience in me. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Light affliction, he says. This coming from a guy who was repeatedly imprisoned and had diseased eyes that caused pain. Who was beaten often and harshly. Light affliction. Why? Because this life is truly fleeting. What comes next is eternity. Free of pain. Free of sorrow. Reunited with loved ones who have gone ahead to the arms of Jesus. Together with them and Jesus!

So no matter how bad it gets, no matter how painful it is, remember this. Remember that this is for a short time. It will pass. And then...

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

Being Thankful for 2020

Many of you probably clicked on this post simply out of curiosity. After all, this year has been horrendous. I, out of all people, should know. And yet, I can't help but be thankful. No, not because Thanksgiving is here and I am required to be. Not even just because I'm a Christian, though that is a great enough reason. But rather, because for all the bad it has brought, I'm finding the silver linings. I think each of should look back and see those slivers of good. They are tiny rays of hope in the darkness. 

Feeling my way in the dark

More than once this year, I have felt alone. I had that feeling of being in a room filled with people, but having no voice. Being invisible. All the while, talking and sharing in whatever was going on with those around me. It wasn't always like that though. 

Before the pandemic forced us all into our own corners to cower, another event happened. Something that changed me. In a big way. I used to be comfortable speaking about any topic with any person. After this one event, however, that changed. Now, I'm cautious. Now I have moments of walking on eggshells. Sure, I slip up. But I have gotten back to being the one that tries to listen more and speak less. Unless I am around someone I really trust and who can handle me as I am, I try to keep my opinions, or voice, to myself. As the world has continued to changed, I have seen how so many people have an opinion, but are so against allowing others to have their opinions. When did we become people who thought our ways of thinking were the only way to think? When did we start laughing at others, just because they see things differently? I might not be able to speak my mind. I might not be able to share my life with most of the people I know, even family. But I can listen. And try to support those I cross paths with. I won't be another voice adding to the din. Instead, I'm working to be a voice of encouragement.

Beauty in the pain

I'm no stranger to pain. I've dealt with it for years. And I will deal with it until I die. 2020 has just been a year that took it to a whole new level. I've had 2 surgeries dealing with my faulty gallbladder (that was finally removed). Then there were the 3 wisdom teeth that led to dry socket - how can 1 tooth's' absence hurt SO much?! An ovarian cyst formed - I thought for sure my appendix was killing me. And of course there is the worsening of my spinal issues. 

 

But there is something beautiful about all this. No, I don't wear rose colored glasses and see the cup forever half full. I'm very much a realist. I just look for good in the bad things so that I don't slump into a mental abyss of darkness. Years of practice, people. The beauty I see, is that I'm learning to handle more of it. Little by little, I'm thankful for these moments of pain. They are helping me become more empathetic to others. Less of an intolerant grouch when it flares. 

This year, I have made a wonderful friend in pain. A young woman, like me, who shares in the daily grind of suffering. Different cause, but the similar trials of getting through the day. I can be completely honest. I can tell her when I'm struggling. I can open up and voice my frustrations. As she can too. And we completely understand each other. I'm thankful for this. Before this year, the only person I knew that understood me like that was my Nana. When I talk to her, I don't have to say, "I'm fine." Because we both know, I'm not. As a matter of fact, we laugh about people asking stupid questions. "How are you doing today?"  Here is a hint, folks. Stop asking, "How are you?" If what we have is chronic, skip the part that we have to fake a smile for. Or if you can't skip the small talk, and we answer with, "I'm good/fine/okay", PLEASE, do NOT respond with, "I'm so glad you are getting better!" News flash - I AM NEVER GETTING BETTER! What I have, is for life. And that is okay! I have good days. Where I can literally roll out of bed and get on with the day. For me, personally speaking, that means my pain is what I rate as a level 6 or under. If I show up to be around others, my levels have to be somewhere in that ballpark - often with the use of pills. A moderate day is a level 7, and I will struggle to stand while cooking dinner. Anything above a level 8, means I will be stationary for the majority of the day. I'd rather go thirsty than walk to the kitchen for water. This is what life is like for those like me. We find others like us who understand, truly understand, and we feel strengthened. It isn't pity. It isn't sympathy. It is genuine understanding. And it is beautiful. I'm not alone. 

Seeing truth amid the lies

This last one is harder for me. I grew up in a close, but large family. I was surrounded by people. And while I'm more of an introvert at heart, I have extrovert tendencies when I get comfortable around people. One characteristic of mine, is to be loyal. I call it a blessing and curse. A blessing in that I will remain loyal to, and be there for, anyone I form a close relationship with. A curse in that I have a knack for being hurt the hardest by those I am most loyal to. This year, I took a heavy hit. I still have a relationship with certain people, but I can never trust them to be completely open and honest. Nor can I feel comfortable in being myself around them. I know their personality, their habits and the damage they are capable of causing without even knowing they are doing it. They smile and chat and act like everything is just fine. That nothing has changed. Under the surface, however, they would have to be fools to believe that is the case. 

So this year has taught me another lesson I'm grateful for. Be loving and interactive, but keep enough distance to stay safe. I don't want to alienate myself and my family, but I will be cautious of what others say and do. Relationships always come with the risk of being burned. But choosing to abstain completely from them, causes a great deal of loneliness. It can be a difficult choice to make. I have chosen to toughen up as well as clam up. I can't shut the door completely, but that doesn't mean I have to give them fuel for their fires against me. And if they say something that hurts, I need to let it roll off my back. 

I have 2 pillars for strength

I think of the Bible story of Samson, standing between two pillars. Well, there are 2 that hold me up. Physically and emotionally speaking, my husband has been my stronghold. I couldn't get through all this without him. And I couldn't be more thankful for him. My second chance at a happy life came with him. And I will never be the same. 

More importantly, however, and spiritually speaking, I have God. And even if everything else was taken from me, He is all I need to get through every heartbreak, every trial, every disappointment and all the pain this life throws my way.  I wake up with prayers for strength to endure the day. I fall asleep praying for peace, safety, and grace for those in my life. And I thank God for the trials. That little by little, He is molding me and making me into something new. Something better. Something closer to Him.

These things are that I am thankful for. No matter how bad things might get, I'm going to look for the good it serves. There is always a silver lining. And a purpose to what is happening. What is one bad thing that happened to you that you found the good of?

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Ever heard the saying, "When life gives you lemons..."? Ever feel like life has thrown you too many lemons? I know I have. Which is why I laugh when I hear that saying. It reminds me of a video game. Portal 2. 

I would love to throw the lemons back at life. The combustible lemons! I'd love to ask life who they think they are. But as a Christian, I know that life's manager is someone we don't want to tempt. God. God gives us those lemons to strengthen and test our faith.

Faith is a tricky subject. Most people think it has only to do with religion. The definition on Dictionary.com would, however, greatly disagree. The very first listing is: 

Confidence or trust in a person or thing. 

I have every bit as much confidence that God is in control as anyone would have that the sofa will be a seat they can plant their rear ends on without fail. However, that doesn't mean that my faith never wavers. On the contrary. It wavers often. I'd say that a person not believing in God would have stronger faith than I do as a Christian sometimes. I question God. I ask 'Why'? And very often I get frustrated when I don't feel my prayers are answered the way I wanted them to be. With all that, I still believe. I still hold to my faith. That God is in control. That things will work out. That this all serves a greater purpose. I just can't see it yet. 

Wavering doesn't equal weakness.

We all have moments when we feel as though our faith isn't strong enough. That doesn't mean that it is weak, however. We are human. Questioning things is natural to us. I can't tell you how often I have wondered about my life and where things were going. That doesn't mean I'm weak in my beliefs. I just need to reaffirm them. No better way to do that than to read God's word or pray. Someone recently asked me how I do it. How I keep going day after day with what I deal with. Prayer. My number 1 go-to. But here is something I think we need to be reminded of when it comes to prayer. Okay a couple things actually. First off - be thankful. I know, I know. Hard to do when your body is wracked with pain and you just want to cry and give up on life. But there is always at least one thing to be thankful for. So before anything else, say thanks. Then you have to remember, God doesn't always answer right away. Or even when He does answer, it is not always how we hoped.

I'm being reminded of this heavily. I recently found out that my condition has not only worsened, but there is no more hope of doctors being able to put me back together. My spine is going to fall apart piece by piece and there is nothing that anyone can do for it. I have to "learn to live with it" until there is "no other choice" but to cut me open and start removing the broken bits. Not a pretty bunch of words to say the least. Do you know how hard it is to hear those words and to wait until the doctor walks out before letting the tears go? How much I struggle with it when I think of all I won't be able to do with my kids? Talk about my faith wavering often these days...

Faith can't stand alone.

Faith in some things - like healing and answers - requires patience. My husband loves to remind me that my suffering works on my patience. For starters, I'm not a very nice person when my pain goes above a level 7. I'm irritable. I get snippy with everyone. My fuse is incredibly reduced. I've been embarrassed to go around family when I hurt because I have a hard time reigning in my darkened mood. My in laws are quite adept at knowing when I'm in pain, even when I smile and try to act like nothing is wrong. This increases my discomfort. After all, who wants to be the broken one at a family gathering? I recently told my husband that it is like PMS-ing 24/7 when my pain won't end. So, faith needs patience. And lots of it!

Faith needs strength.

If faith isn't strong, it fails. But to be built up, it needs a workout. Like my flabby belly, it has to be exercised. This one is something I have to be reminded of. Every time I feel like things are going awry, I have to take a step back and give it over to God. I have to stop trying to fix everything in my own ways. Admitting I am not strong enough for something is not easy. No one wants to admits they have faults. Or are lacking in any way. Yet, we all are. 

Faith needs backup. 

People who can remind you of the things I mentioned above are priceless when you are falling. I have two women in my life who message me often. Who tell me to keep up the good fight. To not let darkness take control. To give everything, in prayer, to God. They are there when I need them most. Never wavering. They have their own struggles and pain to deal with, but they don't let me slip in mine. When I grow up, I want to be just like them. When I have lost my mobility and am wheelchair bound, I want to be able to encourage others as they do for me. I want their kind of faith. Beyond the bitter end. 

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

Journey to Pain Relief: My Thoughts On Our New Purple Mattress

I've had my Purple Pillow for some time now. As you can see here, I wrote my review on it a year ago, but had it for a couple months before then. I'm still as much in love with it now as I was then! So we decided to see if the mattress would help as much.

*Disclaimer: My husband purchased this for us. I have not been endorsed, paid to write and did not receive this Purple product for this review. All opinions are my own.* 

Pain is no joke. EVER! 

I've been dealing with back pain for over two years now. My spine looks like it has been over a minefield. The various doctors' reactions when they see even part of the picture has painted an ugly reality for me. Sleep became a permanent thing of the past most recently. I've come to see a part of me that I try very hard to keep at bay. I don't have the patience I need to wrangle with the baby all day. I don't have the energy, or drive, to put in my normal effort for the daily grind. I've tried throwing myself into my crafting, but that only goes so far. Working out causes pain flare ups, however, not working has made losing 40 pounds look impossible. All this adds to my moments of feeling the blues. 

When was the last time you checked your mattress or pillow as a cause of pain? 

My husband has been looking into the mattresses that Purple had to offer. Since the pillow worked out so great and helped with my neck pain, we thought that the mattress would help me sleep better and wake up refreshed. We decided to go with their original model. It also happens to be the cheapest option, which is best for us right now. We wanted to use part of our tax return to pay for it.  They have other options, however. You can pick your thickness or firmness. With those options, the price fluctuates too. And then we also got free sheets with it! Pretty cool, huh? Super soft and stretchy.

I was so very excited when we placed the order. But then shipping kept being delayed. Which was incredibly frustrating. Especially when we ordered a box spring (from somewhere local) and had the old mattress and old box spring picked up on the day the mattress was supposed to arrive. When it was delayed, my husband had to take his post and pre-work naps on the floor.

It's finally here! 

It was not comfortable. So when everything finally arrived, you can just imagine how excited I was. I couldn't wait for my husband to wake up, so I dragged the "body bag" (my husbands description of the packaging) into the room to bust it open and get it set up. I figured he would be happier sleeping on the mattress anyhow.

One thing I love about Purple, is their packaging. They don't skimp. They want everything to arrive in excellent condition. And so it all did. There were even handles on the bag to make dragging it easier. 

The body bag comes with handles! 

The shrink wrap was easy enough to cut through and then the mattress expanded out. I definitely advise you to have someone around to help as this was a two person job. I could not wait for bed time! It looked so inviting.

Sadly, sleep was not all I hoped it would be. I tossed and turned. The only somewhat comfortable position was on my sides. When laying on my back, it felt as though there was something pressing into my lower spine where the nerve damage is. The rest of me felt comfortable when lying still. My husband slept like a baby. 

Not giving up...

So now what.... My husband thinks we can get a memory foam topper of some sort to ease my back. I think the mattress itself is amazing. I truly believe this is the future for modern mattresses. Springs are a thing for the past. I just have to find the right firmness and I think this one was too much on the firm side. But like everything, don't take my opinion and run with it. What doesn't work for me, might just be the answer to your prayers. My husband absolutely loves this bed! And if you do consider it, remember this - they offer ways to try it in the store for some cities. Still not sure? Try it for 100 nights. If it doesn't work out, they will come pick up the mattress and give you a complete refund.

Though this one didn't work out, I still believe Purple mattresses are amazing. And somehow, we will make it work for me as well. So let me know what you think? Who made your favorite mattress?

The Shadow of the Valley of Death... Remember the Light is Coming!

This past week got dark. I guess you can say I just couldn't handle all the downs that seemed to be hitting us back to back... to back. It was pretty miserable. The first week of July saw all my children sick. One at a time, each of the older three got strep throat. The baby was teething. HARD. Total meltdowns. Screaming fits for no reason. Biting on everything. Wanting Mommy to hold her CONSTANTLY! Then the back pain and migraines had to chime in. Sleeping at night became a bygone and by 1 in the afternoon, I wanted to crawl back into bed even if I barely managed to get up by 10 AM. My husband comes home from work one morning and I tell him we have to take the kiddos to the clinic. He mumbles something about, "if the van will even start". Talk about my heart wanting to skip a beat. He hadn't told me that the vans catalytic converter had gone out the night before when he was heading to work. Said he didn't want to add to my stress just yet. This was the third part to break down in less than a month. Before that, it had been our emergency break. Followed by the AC. Yep. We had to rig the brakes and drive with the windows down. In triple digit heat. Now this thing breaks! So we sound like an old Harley Davidson. Or like those big trucks that so many Texan men feel they have to drive to compensate for their lacking in other departments. Which is funny when you consider all the times we made fun of those guys... He was driving to or from work once and this guy on a Harley in front of him kept checking his mirror and looking behind him for the other "biker". 

Mental head slap here. 

The kids commented on the sound. I told them to imagine themselves on a big motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair. Or in a big truck that no one else could touch. My husbands imagination is lacking, but I'm working on him. We can't talk when we drive. Can't hear each other or even ourselves above the wind and loud exhaust sound. Then we went to the part store to have them check the codes. Our Check Engine light is on. As is our Brake Light (though we know why on this one). The codes said we have a gas leak. My husband looks over the van after a new sound started. The fuel pump needs to be replaced. So now the van jerks as well when we drive. 

It is so hard to stay positive right now. After all, if the van breaks down any further, we are completely screwed. No secondary vehicle. No one close by to bum rides off of or borrow a vehicle from. My husband has school Monday - Friday and works 3 nights a week. Which is another reason I have been down. He put in for more work hours since his summer classes are less than the normal semester hours. He can work more nights. But they haven't been scheduling him for more. In fact, one week they didn't schedule him at all. So on top of our normal bills that we are unable to fully meet on his check, we now have other bills pouring in. Surprise! 

Which is about when another surprise came. We had hired a tax lawyer a year ago to fix an issue that the IRS brought up. It had to do with my tax return filed the last year I was married to my ex. He did his job, or that's what we thought, and we moved on feeling confident. Until now. We got word that the issue had not been resolved. I contacted the lawyer for answers and he got back to work. Now he sends me a bill for nearly $200! 

When it rains, it really pours. 

I was so done. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not even the love of my life. Didn't want to care anymore. I told myself I had to take it one day at a time. I tried to figure out what the heck I must have done to deserve all this. Why my life couldn't be what I wanted. I mean, I know people swimming in debt who seem to have happier lives than me. I know of people that have marriages falling apart (though they can't see it) and they are moving up in life like there is no tomorrow. So why aren't we? Here we are trying to obey the rules and live our lives the way God would have us do. Why are we struggling and suffering so much more? I once asked my Dad about that. He told me, "The good die young." The wicked prevail. Good people suffer. Why? Take a look around. The world is full of evil. No good deed goes unpunished. It is not that we can't be just as happy, but that we are put to the test. Will we stay true? Or will we falter and fall into the pattern of everyone else? These trials build our character. They make us stronger and wiser. We make better choices next time. 

Enjoy the view on the mountain top. 

Life comes with highs and lows. Some times it seems that there are more lows than highs. My current life, as a case in point. When we are standing at the high peak, we see endless possibility. We see a beautiful horizon. But when life throws us lemons and things go sour, we are in the valley. Full of shadow. Worries and fears creep closer. Darkness threatens our happiness. These are the moments when we truly have to recall the memory of being on the mountains top. To remind ourselves that things can be better, will be better. That there is another one coming. It seems impossible at times. And there will be times we fall into the darkness of our hearts. When we feel no one can understand what we are going through. When even my child's smile makes me feel inadequate as a Mother. 

These times will pass. 

Good or bad, every thing passes. Nothing is a constant. It took me a couple days to get over it. A couple days to cry myself to sleep and remember that nothing will change with me being in a bad mood. Time to make the best of what we have. Time to remember that things could be worse. And that blessings come when least expected. Like our new lawnmower. Our lawnmower broke down a while back. My husband has been "mowing" the grass with the weed eater. He dreads it. We have a 10'x10' yard. Tiny, right? But in 100+ degrees, it seems like an endless task with the weed eater. Then our neighbor comes over and offers us his electric mower as they are moving and will not have a need for it anymore. God moves in mysterious ways when we aren't looking for it. It won't make everything better, but at least it is one problem fixed on our always-growing list. 

Make the bad parts funny.

I have always been a fan of imagination. Not everyone can use theirs as well as I can, but it doesn't hurt to try. Your mind is a wonderful factory. It can make the worse situations comical, which helps you get through them. We "pretend" that our van is the Harley or the big truck. We laugh at the little things. My husband and I joke about showing up to my in laws in our monster van. He talks about wearing a wife beater and a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off. Although, he says the icing on the cake would be if it backfired when we parked. I draw a line here. If it dares backfire, we will officially be in the "white trash" category, so I say no. Absolutely not. People can laugh and make fun of how we look. We will be laughing right along with them. This valley won't go on forever. My mountains peak is coming. I just have to get ready to enjoy the view and savor the memory.

Accepting the Challenge - Are You Strong Enough?

Today I want to get real with everyone. I got real with myself. Broke down. Cried. As strong as I have tried to portray myself... When I'm alone or when its just me and the husband, I break down. I let go of the strings and let the puppet with the smiling mask fall away. He understands. He is patient through it all. Supportive. Life, right now, is nothing near the perfect, happily ever after I may have dreamed up once. But it is also not as miserable as it could be. I have an amazing husband and our kids are growing up with happy memories. Sometimes I have to challenge myself. And today, I'm proposing a challenge to you as well. 

Accept what you cannot change, with patience.

We all have to accept certain changes. Life throws us curve balls, after all. And we get slammed in the face by them more often than we like to admit. Sometimes they knock us down. It is up to us whether we stand back up and try again, or whether we just stay down. There are so many times when I think that I should just get comfy and stay down. That I just don't have the strength to keep pushing forward. That has been when I turned to God in prayer. You aren't religious? Great! Neither am I. I'm just a follower of Christ. I have and read my Bible. I pray. I believe. That doesn't mean that I always feel happy. I don't always feel satisfied with my life. I'm learning that I have some things to accept even though I don't want to.

I've been told I need to repent for my sins. Like when Job's friends called him wicked and said that obviously he was sinning, so repent and all would be well again. (Bible reference - Book of Job) He was righteous before God, yet his children were all killed, his servants slaughtered, and livestock taken. His wife even tells him to curse God and die. Job 2:9 (No wonder Satan didn't kill her too.) At first I believed all this hardship was because of something I had done wrong. A punishment. Not anymore. 

Some days, however, I just want to fold. I tell my husband often, "Just shoot me. It'd be a mercy." His answer, "No. You can't leave me." We do it jokingly. But I would be lying if I didn't desire death sometimes. I'd be fibbing if I didn't think that I would rather lose my legs than keep fighting this pain. But then I know that wouldn't help me in the long run. I have people depending on me. Broken or not. I'm not going anywhere and not giving up the fight. Not today at least.

So hear my challenge and accept, only if you think you have the will for it. 

Get a piece of paper. Or three, depending on how you write your list. 
Your first thing to write is who would be affected physically if you were gone. How do I mean? If you died today, who would be affected? Coworkers? Spouse? Kids?  
Second list is of anyone that would miss you financially. Who do you support? Kids, spouse? Could they make it without you? 
Third list is of who relies on you emotionally. Friends, family. Who comes to you for advice? Who spends time with you when they just can't take the stress of their lives at that moment? 
Why do I suggest this? I believe that everyone in the world has at least one person out there that would miss them in some way if they were suddenly gone. More often than not, we don't realize just how much of an impact we make on others. We tell ourselves that no one would care. That's selfishness and self pity talking. It's baloney. Make your lists. Put them where you can find them. The next time life strikes, pull them out. Remind yourself why you fight. Why you can't give up. You can take the easy path. Give up. And you might feel good about yourself. But who will you hurt by doing so? I'm going to hold fast to my God. And being there for those I love.

Celebrate the Little Things With Me!

Do you have pain? Daily pain? Well, I do. And "good days" are few and far between. So I think the little moments when I can feel free of the struggle is when I shall do all I can. But I shall enjoy them too. Sure, I might be doing chores. But I will do them happily. Not every day that I can, you know. If you struggle too, let's celebrate together! Tell me what your little moment is. And I will celebrate it with you!

Frustrations with Medical Providers

Right now, I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that the neurologist assigned to me prescribed me an anti-depression or the fact that my husband spent $30 on this prescription that I have no intention of taking whatsoever.

This doctor thought he could cure my "common" disorder that "most women" suffer from. Fainting spells. That is what he thinks I have! And what does he prescribe me? Nortriptyline. We looked it up when we got home. I'm supposed to take one per night before bed and work my way up to taking 3 a night before bed. He told me it would help me sleep. And by getting better sleep, I would not be so anxious. Because my anxiety is causing the fainting spells. As a woman, I am subconsciously hyperventilating myself.

Imagine my surprise when my husband told me it is mainly used as an antidepressant. To treat clinical depression. And the side effects of this medication? Let's just say I'm already having several of them. And this: 

Some young people have thoughts about suicide when first taking an antidepressant. Your doctor will need to check your progress at regular visits while you are using nortriptyline. Your family or other caregivers should also be alert to changes in your mood or symptoms.

Yeah... I don't need to be brought down daily. I get down. Whenever I start to hurt a lot and I am reminded of everything I'm losing in life. Like when I had to quit working for Amazon. I really miss that place. And it hurts to know that is no longer an option for me. When I sold my bike. Motorcycles are no longer in my future. Tears me up when I am reminded of that fact. Now I can't drive. Bye-bye independence. No more yard sales on Saturday morning. No more flea market trips. Can't even make a quick trip to the store when I need that one thing I'm missing. Wouldn't you be down about something like that? But I do not let it keep me down. I remind myself that I have something to be thankful for. I can still walk. I'm still alive. And my kids are provided for. That is all I have to worry about. But I am not anywhere near being clinically depressed. I have no need for a hormonal balance. 

Check out this little fact:
"This medication may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be alert." So this is why I have to take it at night? So that I don't have to worry about being able to think and can remain alert around the kiddos. 

And these side effects? No thanks! I'd rather suffer through the pain, kill my liver with all my over the counter pill taking and not sleep than any of these. Some of which are already problems I have and that he was supposed to help me with!

Side Effects

• Abdominal or stomach pain
• agitation
• blurred vision
• burning, crawling, itching, numbness, prickling, "pins and needles", or tingling feelings
• chest pain or discomfort
• clay-colored stools
• cold sweats
• confusion about identity, place, and time false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts
• continuing ringing or buzzing or other unexplained noise in the ears
• decreased urination
• depression
• difficulty in passing urine (dribbling)
• difficulty with speaking
• dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up suddenly from a lying or sitting position (Though I have this on other times too)
• double vision
• fast, pounding, or irregular heartbeat or pulse
• feeling of warmth
• feeling, seeing, or hearing things that are not there
• feeling that others are watching you or controlling your behavior
• feeling that others can hear your thoughts (What the heck?!)
• general feeling of tiredness or weakness
• hostility
• hyperventilation
• inability to move the arms, legs, or facial muscles
• inability to speak
• irritability
• loss of balance control
• lower back or side pain
• mood or mental changes
• muscle spasm or jerking of all extremities
• muscle trembling, jerking, or stiffness
• nightmares
• pain or discomfort in the arms, jaw, back, or neck
• painful or difficult urination
• panic
• perspiration
• pinpoint red or purple spots on the skin
• redness of the face, neck, arms, and occasionally, upper chest
• restlessness
• seizures
• slurred speech
• sores, ulcers, or white spots on the lips or in the mouth
• stiffness of the limbs
• sweating (Is this not the same as perspiration?)
• swelling of the face, ankles, legs, or hands
• talking, feeling, and acting with excitement
• trouble sleeping
• twisting movements of the body uncontrolled movements, especially of the face, neck, and back
• weakness in the arms, hands, legs, or feet

Some side effects of nortriptyline may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them: 

• Bigger, dilated, or enlarged pupils (black part of the eye)
• black tongue
• decreased interest in sexual ability or desire
• difficulty having a bowel movement (stool)
• enlargement of the breast
• hair loss or thinning of the hair
• heartburn
• hives or welts
• increase in sexual ability or desire
• increased sensitivity of the eyes or skin to light
• pain or discomfort in the chest, upper stomach, or throat
• peculiar taste
• severe sunburn
• small red or purple spots on the skin
• swelling of the testicles
• swelling or inflammation of the mouth
• swollen, painful, or tender lymph glands on side of face or neck
• vision changes
• waking to urinate at night

I am genuinely fed up with the medical system. I am thoroughly ready to give up on treatment. If I did not have a goal in my head of where I need to be in the next year, I would call it quits and let this body shut itself down. I have already begun to prepare myself for being confined to a wheelchair.

And should that day arrive, I am going to 'punk out my ride. Steampunk that is. These doctors don't seem to want to accept the fact that I am not "common". Never have been. As a matter of a fact, I consider myself to be more of a medical anomaly. I mean, really. What person gets a topical skin infection that embeds itself in the bone? What woman never gets a single fever? Ever?! And that infection in the bone? I had x-rays, MRI, bone scan and blood work. Doctors found no issues and no indication that there was something wrong. The only way we knew is that I had pain. Lots of it. But no, nothing could possibly be wrong. I was just a whiny 17 year old. Ha! Jokes on you. Here I am, young 30 year old woman claiming to have pain and lightheadedness. No reason at all, right? She's just whiny. She's prone to fainting, because that is common in women. Lose some weight and drink some water. While you are at it, take some antidepressants. You will be fine! I look forward to the day that I can show them just how wrong they truly are.

I'm not backing down. For now, I refuse to give up. But I'm prepared for whatever outcome happens my way. And I won't spend any more money on prescriptions from them. At least I know what will happen when I take 5 Ibuprofen. Or when I take Advil, Aleve and Excedrin.  

Journey to Pain Relief: Doctor's Appointments

Many times, the start to being better begins with a visit to the doctor. When you have my level of problems, you might have to see more than one doctor. Today I went to the second doctor involved in treating me. And I left a little more frustrated than I had hoped. 

*Do these pants make me look fat?*

I have a lot going on in this body of mine. It is trying to fall apart before its time. I'm 30 years old. Not even in the "prime" of my life. I'm "young" according to my primary doctor. What I should have told her was, "Only on the outside." Inside is a different story. She did an EKG and stress test to see if my blood pressure fluctuated as I went from laying, to sitting, to standing. Those two came out normal. So she thinks my heart and blood pressure is all good. Well, I'd certainly hope so. Bad enough my spine wants to collapse, don't need my heart giving out on me too! I left her office with a stack of papers and my pain level being 2 notches higher than when I went in thanks to laying on the examining table. Those papers were all the tests and appointments she wanted me to go to before seeing her again in two weeks. 

Yesterday I gave blood to do 4 tests. Not sure what all of them are, but I know one was to check my thyroid and 2 were Lipid tests. I'm assuming it will help her see if there is anything basic causing my dizziness and pain. 

Today I went to see the neurologist. He asked many questions, told me he thinks he knows what is wrong with me and then checked my reflexes. In short - I am fat, don't drink enough water and need to consume more salt in my diet. Okay, that is the ultimate way to describe the long conversation we had. In his words, I need to tone my butt, thighs and calf muscles. When I stand too long (because to him, having 4 kids must mean that is what I do all day) or rise from standing, all the blood is going to those muscles and not to my head, causing me to feel lightheaded. As a woman, I am a part of the majority of women who suffer from Vasovagal Syncope and are prone to fainting spells. It's quite common. Even though - and he asked - I never fainted in my teen years. When I asked what that was, mostly because his thick Indian accent was throwing my off understanding of him, he asked what level of education I had. Why does that matter?! I know enough to know what he's saying, but only when I understand the words through his accent. Then he asked if I breathe fast when I feel this lightheadedness come on. No, I do not. I know not to hyperventilate. It brings about fainting. I try to avoid that at all costs. It is why I haven't fainted yet. He says women hyperventilate subconsciously. "Perfectly normal", he tells me. What part of, I don't breathe faster did you not understand? He told me that I must also be dehydrated as I do not drink 6 bottles of water a day. And I need to add salt to my food more often. I avoid adding salt. Heart disease runs in the family on my mother's side. I thought not adding salt might be better for my long term health. He told me repeatedly that he knows all about this as he speaks at conventions on it and has written about it. It is what most women, and a few men, suffer from. What I wanted to tell him is that he suffered from an overinflated ego.  Then he wanted to know about my depression and anxiety levels. I was honest. I feel down sometimes when I get frustrated with my body. I feel I should be doing more, but pain restricts me. I don't, however, battle depression. I also do not feel continuously anxious. Yes, I have stress in my life. Yes, I worry at times. I don't let it keep me down. But he told me women are more likely to have anxiety issues and not realize it.

So blood is being restricted, but only because it's going south and not to my head. I need to lay down and sit down when it comes on, but he did not tell me why it would happen when I'm sitting. Also, why did it used to only happen when I turned my head to either side and now it happens whenever without a trigger? I asked him if it could be that the tension and curvature of my neck has anything to do with it. His reply was no. If a water hose has blockage, then water doesn't come out at all, he said. Sure... but what about the hose that gets the occasional kink? You twist a hose the wrong way, water is restricted. But no. He knows this better than anyone. This is surely the cause. In 6 weeks, I go back after changing my workout, drinking 6 bottles of water a day and adding salt to my cooking. He expects there will be a decrease in dizziness. That I won't feel like fainting. And if not, he will refer me to a neurosurgeon. 

I plan to tell my primary that I do not agree with the neurologist. I think he is letting his ego think for him. He wants me to also take pain pills every night before bed. He says that the pain and lack of sleep are causing me anxiety. That I probably have heart palpitations more now, but don't realize it because I'm too worried about not fainting. 

*head slap here*

We do not have to always agree with the doctor. They won't always get it right. If it feels off, think about a second opinion. And don't fear speaking up. 

Tomorrow is my MRI. 30 minutes of laying inside a hard tube... The last one I had hurt like crazy and had me leaving in tears. Let's see if I am any stronger this time around, shall we?

Making Conscious Decisions

No matter how well I think I have things planned out, I still get my dates mixed up from time to time. I did just that this week. I thought for sure it was the Monday that I was supposed to find out if I qualified for Care Link. It is the program for poor folks in Bexar county to get financial health assistance. We got up, got ready and were there early. In the back of my mind, I felt a nagging. More like a worry that I wouldn't get approval. We finally go in about 10 minutes earlier than I thought my scheduled appointment was. Told the receptionist my name. After a couple minutes, I was worrying that I hadn't truly been scheduled in. Then he finally told me that I had an appointment, but that it was next week. Not today. Talk about a mental head slap....

So I have another week to wait. I'm telling myself that it is building my strength and patience. My pains and the dizzy feelings are a daily annoyance. Especially as they strike randomly and very often when I'm sitting. It has made things difficult. My husband now does the all the driving. I have come to the decision that unless absolutely necessary, I will not risk being behind the wheel any more. I won't put myself, my family or anyone else in danger.

This type of decision does not usually get presented until a person has aged considerably and is approached by those who love them most. So it is not easily confronted by me. Just like an 80 year old woman who desperately clings to her independence, I do not like being restricted to my husbands schedule as to when I can go out. I want to be free. But at the same time, I'm very conscientious to what my actions might do to others. After all, how can I risk driving when I never know when I will get dizzy and possibly pass out. Our continual prayer is that I will soon start treatment and be back to my normal self. That I will be able to return to normal activities. 

Another decision I have made is that I will work out every day. Pain or no pain. I am currently 40 pounds over my proper weight (I've gained 10 pounds since January). I have devised a schedule that enables me to have morning devotions while feeding the baby. This is followed by cleaning up the baby and kitchen area. Once she is settled, I do my workout. I don't have the strength to do my husbands P90X or 10 minute intense workout sessions. So I'm keeping to my own pace. Don't get me wrong, I still break a sweat. I still get my heart rate up. And that is what matters in the end. Also, don't think I am giving place to vanity. Sure, I have a flabby stomach. But I have been pregnant 4 times. I have a Mom bod. Anyone who can't handle it can take a hike. On the other hand, I also have a weakened spine that is crumbling. Which means that I can't be carrying all these extra pounds. And I'm secretly hoping that this will build strength as I go. On top of my daily workout in the morning, I have decided to add in other things. I do squats while brushing my teeth. Maybe 25 jumping jacks before bed. Little workouts like these spread out, can have a huge impact. And make me feel a little better about myself. 

If you are struggling with something this far into the new year, might I suggest that you take it one day at a time? We don't change as quickly as we want. Things don't always happen the way we want them to. And sometimes a hard choice has to be made. But if you take one step after another, one day after the other and get through it like clockwork - it gets so much easier to see a big picture. Here is to the hope that one day I will be able to return to my normal way of being. Until then, I will do what I can to protect those I care about as well as those I have never met.

Spring Break Shenanagins

Last weekend, I had thought up some great things we could do to fill up the spring break week. My kids and husband were all out of school. But that doesn't mean that there would be a lot of relaxing going on. While we can't afford to go to any parks or take a mini vacation, we had talked about doing other outdoor things. We have a rocket we could shoot off. We have drones to fly. There are free parks with trails we wanted to walk. We had a family picture that was in the works too. Granted, we also had things we needed to do. Like grocery shopping. And changing the van oil. Mowing the lawn... Not the most fun, but in need of doing. 

Monday came around. We made it to the store. Couldn't get the lawn mower to start and the weed eater was out of string. But that is where doing things ended. I spent most of the day curled up in bed. I had shooting pains through my head, sporadic pains throughout the rest of me and then so much dizziness that I was sick to my stomach. I felt like my pain sensors were on the fritz. And as though I had just gotten off a roller coaster. 

Tuesday we managed to get the family picture done. As soon as we got back home with a tired and teething baby, it all hit me again. This time with my neck so tense that it hurt to move. Once again I ended up in bed. 

Wednesday started off better. We took the kids to a different park. Stage Stop Park is actually really nice and had plenty of choices for the different ages. If you are around the Selma area, I highly suggest it. We stopped by the store to grab ingredients for peanut butter and banana milkshakes. Mmmm we love them so! After getting home, we played some games. I thought I had escaped the torments for a change. I was wrong. As it came time to make dinner, sharp pains plagued my head. My husband once again urged me to sit down and take it easy. His worry has been quite evident. Here's the thing... I don't want to sit on the sidelines of life. Granted, there isn't much I can do until I find out if I am approved for a local assistance program. My oldest son started complaining of pain in his ear after dinner. My baby has been battling fevers. She sleeps randomly and eats on and off. I thought it was due to teething, but as of Wednesday night, I had second thoughts. Her temp was sitting around 100-101 on average.  

Thursday was again unkind, starting around lunch time. But I pulled my wits about me and determined that I would not let it slow me down. We took the kids to shoot off a rocket in a field near our home. They learned how baking soda and vinegar reacts when mixed. Then they wanted us to play tag... My back and neck hurt while my husbands foot threw a fit. We are getting too old for this. After that, I was done. The lightheadedness came in waves for the rest of the evening. 

In an effort to "take it easy", I started painting too. Super relaxing.

We will soon be leaving for my Mother-in-laws and I'm sincerely hoping to keep steady until we return on Sunday. After all, I am not the kind who enjoys it when loved ones watch me in my weak times. I prefer to put on a strong face.

Besides giving my husband stomach ulcers from the stress of seeing me like this (or at least I worry he will end up with them), I think my kids were likely to suffer from cabin fever if we hadn't gotten  out and had fun.We have a few more days for those things we can't do during school days. I want to fill them up as best I can. But I think I will have to take the action down a knot. Really hoping that Monday brings us some good news towards getting healthcare assistance.

Journey to Pain Relief: Purple Pillow Review

Recently, my husband bought me a Purple Pillow. If you have been on YouTube lately, you have probably seen plenty of Purple ads. 

*Quick disclaimer - I was not paid for this review and we did not receive the pillow in exchange for this review. My husband paid for it. It is my honest opinion.*

My husband and I have been searching for ways to alleviate the spinal pains that I face on a daily basis. It has been quite difficult. One of the problems I'm facing is the pain from hypertension in my neck. It causes me to have migraines as well as to lose sleep. We have talked about getting a new bed. One that is bigger, newer and more gentle on the back side. But which one we think is best? Not so easy to answer. He surprised me by buying the Purple Pillow. It is made of a polymer material. Two things I liked right away would be the way it is like a gel in cooling off and in flexibility.

This pillow can take the pressure, conform to it, but then bounce right back to its original shape fairly quickly. It is just like they say, no fluffing required. The cooling sensation feels good to my neck and head, but also to my shoulders. It was why I had bought a gel-topped pillow before. However, with that one I noticed that it is too hard on my shoulders. This one really does ease the pressure points. I even tried sleeping with it under my back. Felt so good! At least until I got up the next morning. That was when the stiffness kicked in from not sleeping on a large enough surface to accommodate my entire spine. This is why we have been considering getting a Purple mattress later on. 

This is what is inside the pillow

The only turn off I had with my pillow would be the initial smell. The polymer they used has an unusual smell. Something in the plastic or rubber zone to me. To help cover it up, I put a dryer sheet into my pillow case between the polymer and where my face would go. I was glad they also sent a zipper case for it. Pillow is inside the washable zipper case, then inside my pillow case. Helps to cover the smell better. 

This pillow runs $99 with free shipping in the continental United States. And it was worth the money. I have not had morning stiffness in my neck or woke up with headaches while using this pillow. So it is a definite win on that battle. My husband has even talked about getting the mattress one day. Especially now that they offer variations in thickness. 

Hope this review helps anyone sitting on the fence about buying one. And if you do, I hope you have as great a nights sleep as I have. Enjoy! 

Holding On

There's something about those moments that you see happening in slow motion, but are unable to stop that make it all seem surreal. It's like watching it happen to someone else. Your mind tells you what you should do, but your reactions are not quick enough.

We were driving home one day earlier this week when it got me. Hit me quite strongly. I was feeling pains throughout the morning. The kinds that I ignore and keep pushing my way through. But on the way home, I happened to run my hand through my hair. Triggered another sensation that I do not often feel. It's like the hair itself in one spot is bruised. I don't know how else to describe it. Touching that spot hurt. Like a bruise. But in the pursuit of knowing more about it, I suppose I pressed too hard. Shortly before arriving home, I was conversing with my husband about the EMS at the nursing home up the street from where we live. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my head and the sudden lightheadedness that I loathe. So sudden and strong was it, that I felt I was losing consciousness. I breathed deeply, willing myself to stay awake. Fighting my body for control. We arrived at home with my husband worrying. I told him that I would be fine. He had to run to the store for me and I needed to get lunch in the oven. I began feeling feverish. My head was still hurting. But I told myself to get things done. After starting everything, I went to lay down upstairs. 

There is a reason I dread laying down. Well, at least when I get like this. It is when I feel the most vulnerable. When the reminder of my weakness is at its highest level. I don't know about you, but laying down is when each ache, every pain and the slightest disturbance within can be felt with the clearest distinction between each sensation. While laying down, I could feel it all. Tingling in my right foot. A pin prick in my left foot. Tension in my neck. Pain in my head. Pulling in my lower back. I could pinpoint each place bothering me all at once. Then the feeling of passing out returned. This, of course, came just as my husband came back. The look in his eyes brought tears to my own. He worries so much. Of course it did not take long before his tears started flowing freely.
It is hard to be strong, but for those of you who are in a similar situation... It is imperative that we stay strong for those we love. By no means is it easy. I fall short in so many ways. But I can't give up. And neither should you. I don't have a special formula to withstand the imbalances of the deformed and injured body. Instead I have prayer. For my good days as well as for my bad days. On my good days, I thank God for the strength to do what needs to be done. On my bad days, I thank God I'm alive for another day and ask for His strength to get through it.

In an attempt to avoid future issues, I have gone proactive. At least one of my sons knows the pass code to my phone and knows that should anything happen to me, he is to immediately contact my husband. I have one more option I will try for getting health care, but at least this way I have faith that my kids will know what to do in an emergency.