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Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Accepting the Challenge - Are You Strong Enough?

Today I want to get real with everyone. I got real with myself. Broke down. Cried. As strong as I have tried to portray myself... When I'm alone or when its just me and the husband, I break down. I let go of the strings and let the puppet with the smiling mask fall away. He understands. He is patient through it all. Supportive. Life, right now, is nothing near the perfect, happily ever after I may have dreamed up once. But it is also not as miserable as it could be. I have an amazing husband and our kids are growing up with happy memories. Sometimes I have to challenge myself. And today, I'm proposing a challenge to you as well. 
Accept what you cannot change, with patience.

We all have to accept certain changes. Life throws us curve balls, after all. And we get slammed in the face by them more often than we like to admit. Sometimes they knock us down. It is up to us whether we stand back up and try again, or whether we just stay down. There are so many times when I think that I should just get comfy and stay down. That I just don't have the strength to keep pushing forward. That has been when I turned to God in prayer. You aren't religious? Great! Neither am I. I'm just a follower of Christ. I have and read my Bible. I pray. I believe. That doesn't mean that I always feel happy. I don't always feel satisfied with my life. I'm learning that I have some things to accept even though I don't want to.
  1. Some relationships in my life are strained right now. Relationships that I care about, but can't seem to fix. I have to accept that things are the way they are and patiently take a step back. I'll work more on my relationships with God and my husband in the meantime. 
  2. I have something to fix with the IRS and an answer I'm waiting on from Social Security. Patience is something I am once again learning to have at a higher level. After all, the government agencies work at their speed - like the sloths in Zootopia... I have to accept that no matter how much I pray or hope, things will happen in God's timing.
  3. My pain is taking over my life in all aspects. My body is teaching me that I can't do everything I would like to anymore. I was denied a chance to serve in the military. I gave up an amazing job at Amazon. I gave up motorcycles. Well, now I'm giving up other things. A friend recently told me that due to my situation and what I'm going through, I might not be able to home school my kids. At first, I was shocked. How could anyone say that to me? But after thinking about it, I came to realize what she meant. My pain, my limitations - they have stretched over every moment in my life. We can't go to the park in the heat anymore. I can't drive anymore. I'm exhausted during the day, but I can't sleep through the night. Last night I had a panic attack. My pain was excruciating and so sudden that it frightened me. It was as though something in my lower spine was being crushed in a vise. I really did consider that I might wake up and be unable to feel my legs. If I fell asleep at all. I don't often have the strength or energy to do things with them. But their education and safety are important to me. I may have to admit that I might not be strong enough to teach them well enough to get them ahead in life.
  4. Bills come in and I just want to cry. Like this medical bill for services that have yet to help me with my current health. I have to accept that, for now, it is a step towards what I've been working on. But if it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be.
I've been told I need to repent for my sins. Like when Job's friends called him wicked and said that obviously he was sinning, so repent and all would be well again. (Bible reference - Book of Job) He was righteous before God, yet his children were all killed, his servants slaughtered, and livestock taken. His wife even tells him to curse God and die. Job 2:9 (No wonder Satan didn't kill her too.) At first I believed all this hardship was because of something I had done wrong. A punishment. Not anymore. 

Some days, however, I just want to fold. I tell my husband often, "Just shoot me. It'd be a mercy." His answer, "No. You can't leave me." We do it jokingly. But I would be lying if I didn't desire death sometimes. I'd be fibbing if I didn't think that I would rather lose my legs than keep fighting this pain. But then I know that wouldn't help me in the long run. I have people depending on me. Broken or not. I'm not going anywhere and not giving up the fight. Not today at least. 


So hear my challenge and accept, only if you think you have the will for it. 

Get a piece of paper. Or three, depending on how you write your list. 
Your first thing to write is who would be affected physically if you were gone. How do I mean? If you died today, who would be affected? Coworkers? Spouse? Kids?  
Second list is of anyone that would miss you financially. Who do you support? Kids, spouse? Could they make it without you? 
Third list is of who relies on you emotionally. Friends, family. Who comes to you for advice? Who spends time with you when they just can't take the stress of their lives at that moment? 
Why do I suggest this? I believe that everyone in the world has at least one person out there that would miss them in some way if they were suddenly gone. More often than not, we don't realize just how much of an impact we make on others. We tell ourselves that no one would care. That's selfishness and self pity talking. It's baloney. Make your lists. Put them where you can find them. The next time life strikes, pull them out. Remind yourself why you fight. Why you can't give up. You can take the easy path. Give up. And you might feel good about yourself. But who will you hurt by doing so? I'm going to hold fast to my God. And being there for those I love.

1 comment:

  1. My kids are big enough and I have no job so for the 1st 2 I'm good to go. As for the last I have 7 to 8 kids who talk to me about everything. We have a running joke that I will be on my death bed and they will call me to forbid me to die cause they dont know how to cook a poptart. I dont think of dying cause life isnt good or it's hard. I have lived many years and know its tuff but liveable. 1 day we will all ( Lord willing) be unable to do what we had at 1 point in our lives. You just do what you can when you can. Make as many memories as you can. Your friend has a good point. With that much pain and little sleep the kids need to be in school right now. Remember this world hated Jesus and it will hate you if you follow him. Do the best you can. He didn't promise us good health or long easy life. You just need to be strong and he will do the work of getting you through

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