Mental head slap here.The kids commented on the sound. I told them to imagine themselves on a big motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair. Or in a big truck that no one else could touch. My husbands imagination is lacking, but I'm working on him. We can't talk when we drive. Can't hear each other or even ourselves above the wind and loud exhaust sound. Then we went to the part store to have them check the codes. Our Check Engine light is on. As is our Brake Light (though we know why on this one). The codes said we have a gas leak. My husband looks over the van after a new sound started. The fuel pump needs to be replaced. So now the van jerks as well when we drive.
It is so hard to stay positive right now. After all, if the van breaks down any further, we are completely screwed. No secondary vehicle. No one close by to bum rides off of or borrow a vehicle from. My husband has school Monday - Friday and works 3 nights a week. Which is another reason I have been down. He put in for more work hours since his summer classes are less than the normal semester hours. He can work more nights. But they haven't been scheduling him for more. In fact, one week they didn't schedule him at all. So on top of our normal bills that we are unable to fully meet on his check, we now have other bills pouring in. Surprise!
Which is about when another surprise came. We had hired a tax lawyer a year ago to fix an issue that the IRS brought up. It had to do with my tax return filed the last year I was married to my ex. He did his job, or that's what we thought, and we moved on feeling confident. Until now. We got word that the issue had not been resolved. I contacted the lawyer for answers and he got back to work. Now he sends me a bill for nearly $200!
When it rains, it really pours.
I was so done. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not even the love of my life. Didn't want to care anymore. I told myself I had to take it one day at a time. I tried to figure out what the heck I must have done to deserve all this. Why my life couldn't be what I wanted. I mean, I know people swimming in debt who seem to have happier lives than me. I know of people that have marriages falling apart (though they can't see it) and they are moving up in life like there is no tomorrow. So why aren't we? Here we are trying to obey the rules and live our lives the way God would have us do. Why are we struggling and suffering so much more? I once asked my Dad about that. He told me, "The good die young." The wicked prevail. Good people suffer. Why? Take a look around. The world is full of evil. No good deed goes unpunished. It is not that we can't be just as happy, but that we are put to the test. Will we stay true? Or will we falter and fall into the pattern of everyone else? These trials build our character. They make us stronger and wiser. We make better choices next time.
Enjoy the view on the mountain top.Life comes with highs and lows. Some times it seems that there are more lows than highs. My current life, as a case in point. When we are standing at the high peak, we see endless possibility. We see a beautiful horizon. But when life throws us lemons and things go sour, we are in the valley. Full of shadow. Worries and fears creep closer. Darkness threatens our happiness. These are the moments when we truly have to recall the memory of being on the mountains top. To remind ourselves that things can be better, will be better. That there is another one coming. It seems impossible at times. And there will be times we fall into the darkness of our hearts. When we feel no one can understand what we are going through. When even my child's smile makes me feel inadequate as a Mother.
These times will pass.
Good or bad, every thing passes. Nothing is a constant. It took me a couple days to get over it. A couple days to cry myself to sleep and remember that nothing will change with me being in a bad mood. Time to make the best of what we have. Time to remember that things could be worse. And that blessings come when least expected. Like our new lawnmower. Our lawnmower broke down a while back. My husband has been "mowing" the grass with the weed eater. He dreads it. We have a 10'x10' yard. Tiny, right? But in 100+ degrees, it seems like an endless task with the weed eater. Then our neighbor comes over and offers us his electric mower as they are moving and will not have a need for it anymore. God moves in mysterious ways when we aren't looking for it. It won't make everything better, but at least it is one problem fixed on our always-growing list.
Make the bad parts funny.
I have always been a fan of imagination. Not everyone can use theirs as well as I can, but it doesn't hurt to try. Your mind is a wonderful factory. It can make the worse situations comical, which helps you get through them. We "pretend" that our van is the Harley or the big truck. We laugh at the little things. My husband and I joke about showing up to my in laws in our monster van. He talks about wearing a wife beater and a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off. Although, he says the icing on the cake would be if it backfired when we parked. I draw a line here. If it dares backfire, we will officially be in the "white trash" category, so I say no. Absolutely not. People can laugh and make fun of how we look. We will be laughing right along with them. This valley won't go on forever. My mountains peak is coming. I just have to get ready to enjoy the view and savor the memory.