A Mother's Confession

I have something to confess. Something that I'm angry and frustrated at myself for. Yet, it is something I can't change about myself. Ready? 

I was wishing yesterday. Wishing that I could give up. That I could be done with this life. That is my confession. 

Now here is the story behind it and the turnaround. 

I'm 33 years old and I have the inner skeletal make-up of an 80 year old. And to think, it all started back when I was 15. My Nana Bonnie told me then, "Girl, it only gets worse from here." She wasn't being negative. She wasn't trying to bog me down. She was just being honest. Something I have always appreciated. At 15, I wanted to believe that I was still strong and would come out on top. I lived as though that thought of mine was true until my mid-20's. Then life caught up with me. 

Slowly falling apart...

After 4 kids and a hard work life, my body just can't handle it. I have been diagnosed with so many health issues, all stemming from my back deformities, that I was easily depressed and so ready to throw in the towel when the pain got too hard. I'm too young and not close enough to death to qualify for real painkillers. So instead they offer anti-depressants to try to trick the brain into holding on to happy feelings longer. I'm not about that life, so I've chosen to go over the counter with my medicine intake. I take an Aleve and 1-2 Ibuprofen at a time. Sometimes twice a day, if it is really bad. 

These last several days have been really bad. All day, everyday. I feel as though my nerves are all fighting to have the most attention. As if every part of me is trying to ache at once. The right side of my chest, just under the breast, has an ache that makes breathing painful. So what do I do unconsciously? I stop breathing. Caught myself doing that a few times now. So then I'm battling lightheadedness on top of it all. 

Yesterday was the hardest. I kept having to catch myself from falling. Walking hurt. I lost feeling in my right leg. My chest hurt on both sides. And when my husband went to rub the lower back, he pressed the spot bothering me only to find a lump. When he pressed it, I cried out. I limped into church that morning and kept holding back gasps as pain shot through me. 

Letting it all go...

When we got home, I cried. I made lunch for my family and tried to keep the tears back. I don't cry in front of my family unless I just can't hold back or I can't hide from them. I was angry I ever promised my husband I wouldn't ask God to end it all for me. Pain messes with you in ways you are ashamed of. 

But the pastors message of Sunday came to mind. A reminder that I desperately needed. I have been praying for my healing daily. Praying that I can just be pain free and keep walking. The doctors keep saying they can't do anything. So what else am I to do? Every time I see one, something else has gotten worse. So I pray. 

Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

But that doesn't mean I'm meant to be healed. Only according to God's will does a prayer get answered. Sometimes through natural ways, sometimes through a miracle. It really is a miracle I'm still walking today. Sometimes I feel like the original Little Mermaid. Not the Disney version. The Hans Christian Andersen version. Where she danced for the prince, even though it felt like her legs and feet were full of broken glass shards. What was with story-tellers like him?? Anyway, I sometimes feel the same kind of pain. Can't think of any other way to describe it, but I push on through it. Only by God's grace have I been able to get out of bed every morning. Have I been able to homeschool our kids. Have I been able to take care of my daily duties as wife and mother. It sure hasn't been easy. My determination has been sapped pretty heavily of late. Can't tell you how many times I wished someone else could take over for a bit. But I keep pushing on. I keep praying. My prayers remind me of Desmond Doss of Hacksaw Ridge.

So when I heard Sunday's message, that we have to pray knowing that it is only in God's will and His perfect timing that things happen as they do, that I am reminded to give it all over to God. I could not do anything without Him. I could not go on without His strength. And the fact that I'm suffering is because He is still working on my life. I can't give up. No matter how often I want to. I still have a purpose here. I still have something He needs me here for. I do know one of those things. He is working patience in me. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Light affliction, he says. This coming from a guy who was repeatedly imprisoned and had diseased eyes that caused pain. Who was beaten often and harshly. Light affliction. Why? Because this life is truly fleeting. What comes next is eternity. Free of pain. Free of sorrow. Reunited with loved ones who have gone ahead to the arms of Jesus. Together with them and Jesus!

So no matter how bad it gets, no matter how painful it is, remember this. Remember that this is for a short time. It will pass. And then...

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.