Keeping the Faith or Finding the Faith Repeatedly?

Friday night comes around. For most, it is a celebration. The end of another work week. A chance to unwind. For me, it is just another night. Another day done. Only change for me would be that the next two days will not include schooling the kids or two nights of making lunch for my husband to take to work the next day. For the past several weekends, I keep forgetting that nothing is happening of notable exception. I let myself think of hopeful plans before reality kicks in. Then it hits me and I hate my mind for being ridiculous. 

Christmas is coming and instead of being thrilled, I've actually just wanted it to be over. I had thought the Grinch in me had dissipated. I was wrong. I'm starting to be glad we are planning to do it at home with just us. Less stress of how I'm going to get through it. 

So why? Why would I feel like this? Why am I going through these notions? Well, I'm finding it hard to keep the faith right now.

I wish I could say that I'm always "keeping the faith". That I always believe everything is going great. That I never worry. But that just isn't so. A friend asked me how I keep the faith. At the time I told him, that I remind myself that this isn't it for me. This life isn't all there is for me to look forward to. But as time went on from that conversation, I thought over it again and again. And again. 

The truth is, I don't "keep the faith". I continually have to renew it. I have to choose my faith over the doubts and fears that constantly plague my mind. It is never as smooth-sailing as some make it look. I've heard pastors say that as Christians, we are to shine a hopeful light at all times because we don't know who is watching and we want to remind them that hope is out there. And they would be right. In our hardest times, we are to exude the ever flowing knowledge that God is greater than our troubles. However, I'm human. And I'm honest. So I'll admit it. Life isn't roses just because I chose to follow Christ. Because I believed in Him. I have trials and troubles just like anyone else. But I keep reminding myself that He is in control. That my worries are just that. Pitiful worries. This life isn't the end all. After all, read Romans 5:3-4. This is progressive towards something much greater.

The snowball starts

Things happen though.

Last month a chain reaction set off in me. It started just as my parents left and my husband came down with a dreaded virus. I was so thankful they didn't get sick! But I was also worried about my husband. One by one, the rest of us, save one, had symptoms of the illness. I was comforted by the fact that God allowed one of my kids to avoid getting sick while the youngest had a mild sore throat only. Through it all, I could see God's hand. That week, each day went by in a bit of a blur. I was so sick, I wanted to stay curled up in bed and cry. Sickness carries a secondary reaction in this broken body of mine. Every nerve and joint hurts when I get under the weather. But as I told my husband, Mom can't stay in bed. She has cooking. She has kids. Life goes on. I prayed daily. For healing. For strength. Just to do a little more. And before I knew it, Friday had arrived. My husband was finally better and able to get at least one shift in for the whole week. Talk about a tiny paycheck though! And I have a family of 6 to make sure is fed. But God got us through that trial too. Did I freak out? Better believe I did!

Next week comes along. We are back to school. We are back on track. I carefully plotted out meals and we skimmed through with the basics. My husband started driving to a new site. It is an hour one way. So gas bill was a little higher. But it was all going to be okay. Right? His paycheck came through. Only a third of what we had planned on. Turned out the medical insurance double billed to get us for a backdated start on his benefits. I started seething. Who were they to pull this crap without notice?? But no. Back to believing that God's got this. I slipped up in my faith, but the truth is there. It's all going to be okay! 

Week three was now over. And guess what we find? Check 3 is also cut down to maybe a third of what he should have taken home. Again with the insurance. So I sit here thinking, why bother caring anymore? This is life and it will be whatever it will be. We just have to keep skating through one task after another.

Life keeps on going

I wish I could say that I took this like a rolling punch. But it was more like a doubled over one. I wish I could say I had no frustration ripping through me. But I did. I'm a planner. I have Christmas to prepare for. I had projects I wanted to work on and places to check out. We moved to this new town and I want to know more about it! I'm a problem solver. But I feel as though there are too many problems weighing me down lately. At the end of the day. I sit back and say, Nothing more I can do. Just gotta make the best no matter what happens. 

But that doesn't keep my anger down completely. That doesn't give me 100% unfailing confidence that everything will continue without a hitch. That we will prevail. 

Instead it has me doing some serious searching. Questioning what is wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. I'm the only one having a problem right now. Kids have their moments. After being shut up at home with just each other and me, they get tired of the Monday - Friday grind too. Thankfully, they cheer up during the weekend. Saturday means there is a chance we will go to the library or grocery store. Sunday means church. And that all adds up to an escape. Not so much for me. I seem to want more out of the weekend.

One past weekend didn't have either of those happening. And that dark cloud rolled over me that I just couldn't seem to shake. I didn't even want to try. I just kinda shut down. Answering questions directed at me and otherwise silently went through the daily tasks lined up. I came to a realization. I have an adventurous spirit. I like exploring. Seeing new places. Heck, I even have moments where I think I might enjoy meeting new people and making friends. Not so often these days, but occasionally. Turns out, that is what is wrong with me! I'm physically broken, but my mind hasn't slowed down to join it. And even when I'm physically active, I'm married to a guy that is a home body. He is so tired of driving all week, that even if we have money and/or time he doesn't want to leave home. And even if I'm dying to go out, I can't bring myself to ask that of him. Besides, 3/4 of my kids don't like being away from home for long. My boys would rather sit in the game room, playing or watching their dad play. The youngest gets tired of walking and starts whining about going home, which frustrates me to the point of being done with whatever I'm attempting to enjoy. 

I had hoped that our Thanksgiving Day weekend trip to my in-laws would be a shining reprieve. But the night before our trip, my husband and daughters started showing symptoms of sickness. It blew up suddenly. We got up before the sun the next morning and almost didn't make the trip at all. Let's just say our trip wasn't as glowing as we had hoped. Not quite nightmare stage, but got pretty close. My husband had an asthma attack that scared me. I'd never seen that happen before. He is always so careful with his asthma. And we all came down with symptoms that required around the clock medications.

A choice has to be made

I really don't know how I'm supposed to rectify this character trait in me. But I know it brings me to a choice. The same choice has to be made, over and over again. I can choose to stay in the dark cloud or I can choose to find joy. I can find my faith again. Tell myself that everything is going to get better. That everything is alright. Sometimes it starts as one choice, but later I turn the other way. Sometimes it requires me to accept what I can't change quietly. Sometimes I have to stop myself from getting my hopes up again or having higher expectations on anyone or anything else in my life. Only one has never disappointed me - God. So yes, I have to keep the faith. More accurately, I have to keep renewing it. It doesn't come naturally to all of us. It is an effort that has to be taken. With or without a prior struggle. I remind myself that though I "will have troubles in this world", that I must "be of good cheer" for He has "overcome the world". 1 John 16:33

Learning to Praise God Through the Storms

This post is for those who believe, but sometimes lose sight of what is important. As well as for those who think Christians are just a bunch of goody-goodies who can either do no wrong or when they do are hypocrites.

My husband has been doing a nightly Bible study with our children. He takes a book of the Bible and goes through, chapter by chapter and verse by verse. Explaining the stories within. And this recent one spoke to me as well. (Deuteronomy 7:6-24) It was of Moses, talking to the Israelites. Reminding them that they were God's chosen people. Yet, despite the miracles they witnessed, being freed from slavery in Egypt, protected from their enemies, and fed manna from heaven - they constantly complained. (Numbers 14:1-4 as one example) They forgot all those wonderful things and the meaning behind them. As a Christian, I do this too. I'm so happy when things are going well. But then something happens and the fear, worries, frustration - they all come flooding back. How easily I falter and forget!

We entered this year with high hopes. And indeed, have been greatly blessed. But no matter how many good times, there have been some dark times. Spots that tarnish the hopes we held so high. It is through these times that I'm realizing I need to be stronger in my faith. Because I'm human, I falter a lot. And I'm learning that God is still working on me with this.

We finally got that new SUV and started paying off debts this year. So far, we have paid half of what we owed on that SUV. We were on cloud nine because of that. Then, we had someone swipe the side and had to pay hundreds of dollars to get the doors replaced. I was so angry. But my husband patiently reminded me that we needed to praise God. No one was in it when it happened and insurance covered the largest part of it.

Then the corona virus pandemic hit. People panicked and the isolation from everyone, including family, became a blight on the horizon. Especially when we found out my gallbladder needed to come out. The rotten organ had been festering for somewhere near a year as far as I can gauge. Full of painful stones, it was beginning to block the bile duct. However, removing the gallbladder is considered an elective operation, that during the pandemic shut down, required approval from the Surgical Board at the hospital. Instead, they thought they would unblock the bile duct temporarily until restrictions were lifted, then remove the gallbladder at a safer time. Unfortunately, my body had other plans. The pains grew daily, tormenting me. But I kept telling my husband that now wasn't the time. Who would watch our 4 walking biohazards - aka our kids - when the fear of spreading the disease had everyone avoiding each other? No, I told him. I'll hold out as long as I can. But in the end, that wasn't very long. I was angry and frustrated. My husband reminded me that God works in ways we can't see. (Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6)

Fast forward to today, and I've just reached 4 weeks since the surgery. My husband finally convinced me  to let go and trust that God had a plan. Thankfully, my in laws helped watched the kids while I was in surgery both times. My husband was able to take off to help. Then I had my follow up appointment via the phone. Based on my description of how I was feeling, I was asked to have blood drawn to check my white cell count and make sure I hadn't developed an infection. Here's the deal. I'm not normal, medically speaking. You can take my temperature and it won't read higher than 98.6. Never has. I had the chicken pox, Cat Scratch Fever, ear infections, strep, and then the worst - an unknown infection (that turned out to be a topical skin infection) embedded in the bone of my lower back. Through all of this, I never once registered as having a fever. Know what happens instead? I get chills. I feel like I'm freezing on the inside. My hands and feet feel cold to me. But when someone else touches me, I feel warm or hot to them. Not making this up, I've had doctors tell me I'm a freak of nature. To date - 3 of them to be exact. I remember each one vividly. I'm an anomaly. Runs in the family. It was 79º on a recent afternoon, and I was laying wrapped in microfiber blankets, wearing fuzzy winter socks and laying on a heating pad. Shivering. That's what my husband calls a fever. It's what I call a total waste of my time. I'm MOM. I don't have time to feel illness or pains. Here is the frustration. Again.

Time to be reminded. Again. I was so thankful that they approved the surgery. So thankful that we had the couple thousand dollars saved to pay for our part of it. So glad that my mother and sister in law were able to watch the kids. So how could I suddenly feel like a nervous wreck just because I might be experiencing a fever? Hasn't God been watching over us? He's gotten me this far after all. The answer is simple.

I'm human. A Christian human. Struggling to follow Christ, while fighting the flesh.

I falter in fear. Past experiences pulse bad memories of what could be through my mind. And those dark memories try to make me feel as though the worst is coming. It also didn't help that I finally found out what the doctor meant with her passing mention of a hernia. Turns out I had 2 surgeries done at once. I had an umbilical hernia. A hernia in my belly button. It's why it bulged all these years since my bilateral tubal I had after giving birth to my, now, 3 year old. So they made the incision to remove the gallbladder through the hernia. They tightened it and fixed it. Then removed my gallbladder and stitched everything back up. As part of the healing process, I have sharp, stabbing pains from time to time. Since I'm older, healing has been taking it's sweet time. I'm finding that surgery required me to move slower even when I was feeling good. I had trouble sleeping, because I couldn't sleep comfortably on my sides. And being on my back all night hurts. But in the end, I'm healthy. No infection. The incisions are healing. I'm me. Mostly.

God knew I had other medical issues. He knew I'm stubborn. Hardheaded. So He made sure I had no other choice. And I've been learning so much from it. I thought I was such a patient person before. Guess I needed a refresher in that course. I'm learning that I have to wait on others to help me. Lifting a pan of casserole from the oven had me resting in the recliner with an ice pack for a long while. Trying to lift my toddler to go potty had me hurting for a couple hours after. I can't be as independent as I wanted. I'm strong willed, but not strong bodied. Not anymore. And I needed to come to the acceptance of this.

All this has also worked on my thankfulness. I'm so thankful to have my husband. He has had to miss work, come running when I call out to him and even handle household things that fall under my jurisdiction. He has cooked for us. Done the laundry. Kept the kids from constantly coming to me when I needed to rest. All while trying to take an online course for a certification. I have never felt so blessed as I do now. We don't always have help. Especially during this pandemic season. It's mostly just us two, trying to make this work. I still have occasional pain and don't always sleep well. I cramp after meals because the digestion process is still learning to cope without the gallbladder. Some nights I really DO NOT want to cook. Heck, I don't even have much of an appetite anymore. I have already lost 4 pounds. Yay! But I know I can't just skip it. There are 4 ravenous mouths to feed. Okay 5, the husband needs to eat too.

The bottom line is, I'm being worked on in ways that I don't always understand. It is not easy being a believer. Quite the opposite. Faith has to be built. Trusting that there is a greater plan at work is not easy. And being thankful for the trials is completely contradictory. (James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 1:7) That's where God does His best work. So I encourage you all to trust in Him explicitly. All the while, remembering that you will falter. And haters are gonna hate on you when you do. But! He will grow our dependence on Him in ways that we couldn't possibly imagine!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Ever heard the saying, "When life gives you lemons..."? Ever feel like life has thrown you too many lemons? I know I have. Which is why I laugh when I hear that saying. It reminds me of a video game. Portal 2. 

I would love to throw the lemons back at life. The combustible lemons! I'd love to ask life who they think they are. But as a Christian, I know that life's manager is someone we don't want to tempt. God. God gives us those lemons to strengthen and test our faith.

Faith is a tricky subject. Most people think it has only to do with religion. The definition on Dictionary.com would, however, greatly disagree. The very first listing is: 

Confidence or trust in a person or thing. 

I have every bit as much confidence that God is in control as anyone would have that the sofa will be a seat they can plant their rear ends on without fail. However, that doesn't mean that my faith never wavers. On the contrary. It wavers often. I'd say that a person not believing in God would have stronger faith than I do as a Christian sometimes. I question God. I ask 'Why'? And very often I get frustrated when I don't feel my prayers are answered the way I wanted them to be. With all that, I still believe. I still hold to my faith. That God is in control. That things will work out. That this all serves a greater purpose. I just can't see it yet. 

Wavering doesn't equal weakness.

We all have moments when we feel as though our faith isn't strong enough. That doesn't mean that it is weak, however. We are human. Questioning things is natural to us. I can't tell you how often I have wondered about my life and where things were going. That doesn't mean I'm weak in my beliefs. I just need to reaffirm them. No better way to do that than to read God's word or pray. Someone recently asked me how I do it. How I keep going day after day with what I deal with. Prayer. My number 1 go-to. But here is something I think we need to be reminded of when it comes to prayer. Okay a couple things actually. First off - be thankful. I know, I know. Hard to do when your body is wracked with pain and you just want to cry and give up on life. But there is always at least one thing to be thankful for. So before anything else, say thanks. Then you have to remember, God doesn't always answer right away. Or even when He does answer, it is not always how we hoped.

I'm being reminded of this heavily. I recently found out that my condition has not only worsened, but there is no more hope of doctors being able to put me back together. My spine is going to fall apart piece by piece and there is nothing that anyone can do for it. I have to "learn to live with it" until there is "no other choice" but to cut me open and start removing the broken bits. Not a pretty bunch of words to say the least. Do you know how hard it is to hear those words and to wait until the doctor walks out before letting the tears go? How much I struggle with it when I think of all I won't be able to do with my kids? Talk about my faith wavering often these days...

Faith can't stand alone.

Faith in some things - like healing and answers - requires patience. My husband loves to remind me that my suffering works on my patience. For starters, I'm not a very nice person when my pain goes above a level 7. I'm irritable. I get snippy with everyone. My fuse is incredibly reduced. I've been embarrassed to go around family when I hurt because I have a hard time reigning in my darkened mood. My in laws are quite adept at knowing when I'm in pain, even when I smile and try to act like nothing is wrong. This increases my discomfort. After all, who wants to be the broken one at a family gathering? I recently told my husband that it is like PMS-ing 24/7 when my pain won't end. So, faith needs patience. And lots of it!

Faith needs strength.

If faith isn't strong, it fails. But to be built up, it needs a workout. Like my flabby belly, it has to be exercised. This one is something I have to be reminded of. Every time I feel like things are going awry, I have to take a step back and give it over to God. I have to stop trying to fix everything in my own ways. Admitting I am not strong enough for something is not easy. No one wants to admits they have faults. Or are lacking in any way. Yet, we all are. 

Faith needs backup. 

People who can remind you of the things I mentioned above are priceless when you are falling. I have two women in my life who message me often. Who tell me to keep up the good fight. To not let darkness take control. To give everything, in prayer, to God. They are there when I need them most. Never wavering. They have their own struggles and pain to deal with, but they don't let me slip in mine. When I grow up, I want to be just like them. When I have lost my mobility and am wheelchair bound, I want to be able to encourage others as they do for me. I want their kind of faith. Beyond the bitter end. 

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

Accepting the Challenge - Are You Strong Enough?

Today I want to get real with everyone. I got real with myself. Broke down. Cried. As strong as I have tried to portray myself... When I'm alone or when its just me and the husband, I break down. I let go of the strings and let the puppet with the smiling mask fall away. He understands. He is patient through it all. Supportive. Life, right now, is nothing near the perfect, happily ever after I may have dreamed up once. But it is also not as miserable as it could be. I have an amazing husband and our kids are growing up with happy memories. Sometimes I have to challenge myself. And today, I'm proposing a challenge to you as well. 

Accept what you cannot change, with patience.

We all have to accept certain changes. Life throws us curve balls, after all. And we get slammed in the face by them more often than we like to admit. Sometimes they knock us down. It is up to us whether we stand back up and try again, or whether we just stay down. There are so many times when I think that I should just get comfy and stay down. That I just don't have the strength to keep pushing forward. That has been when I turned to God in prayer. You aren't religious? Great! Neither am I. I'm just a follower of Christ. I have and read my Bible. I pray. I believe. That doesn't mean that I always feel happy. I don't always feel satisfied with my life. I'm learning that I have some things to accept even though I don't want to.

I've been told I need to repent for my sins. Like when Job's friends called him wicked and said that obviously he was sinning, so repent and all would be well again. (Bible reference - Book of Job) He was righteous before God, yet his children were all killed, his servants slaughtered, and livestock taken. His wife even tells him to curse God and die. Job 2:9 (No wonder Satan didn't kill her too.) At first I believed all this hardship was because of something I had done wrong. A punishment. Not anymore. 

Some days, however, I just want to fold. I tell my husband often, "Just shoot me. It'd be a mercy." His answer, "No. You can't leave me." We do it jokingly. But I would be lying if I didn't desire death sometimes. I'd be fibbing if I didn't think that I would rather lose my legs than keep fighting this pain. But then I know that wouldn't help me in the long run. I have people depending on me. Broken or not. I'm not going anywhere and not giving up the fight. Not today at least.

So hear my challenge and accept, only if you think you have the will for it. 

Get a piece of paper. Or three, depending on how you write your list. 
Your first thing to write is who would be affected physically if you were gone. How do I mean? If you died today, who would be affected? Coworkers? Spouse? Kids?  
Second list is of anyone that would miss you financially. Who do you support? Kids, spouse? Could they make it without you? 
Third list is of who relies on you emotionally. Friends, family. Who comes to you for advice? Who spends time with you when they just can't take the stress of their lives at that moment? 
Why do I suggest this? I believe that everyone in the world has at least one person out there that would miss them in some way if they were suddenly gone. More often than not, we don't realize just how much of an impact we make on others. We tell ourselves that no one would care. That's selfishness and self pity talking. It's baloney. Make your lists. Put them where you can find them. The next time life strikes, pull them out. Remind yourself why you fight. Why you can't give up. You can take the easy path. Give up. And you might feel good about yourself. But who will you hurt by doing so? I'm going to hold fast to my God. And being there for those I love.

Learning Not to Worry

After losing my job, worry took over. I fretted over how we would pay the bills. Wondered what we would do to make ends meet. I questioned what God might have planned for us. Unemployment was fickle. Almost like a full time job. At first, I looked like crazy for a job. But soon came to realize that it might not be the right choice. You see, right before losing my job, my husband was in a car accident that totaled his vehicle. So we were down to one car - my van. In addition, he had work overnight and school two days a week. Between his schedule and making sure someone was able to be with the baby all day or get the kids as they exited the bus, none of the jobs I was looking for matched our needs. I had been laid off from being an administrative assistant making $14/hour. And that's the type of job I was looking for. I felt as though I had to get the full time, high paying job that would keep our family as it had been. We had gotten comfortable. But we didn't need that to be happy. My husband works part time while he's in school. He makes enough to cover the bills. We could get by with what we need. I had a couple thousand saved from work. It has been slowly dwindling with each month that passes by as my automatic bills pull from it. We have not needed to worry. We won't be going out to eat like we used to. Lunch dates will be sparse. I have to pinch pennies from time to time to get little non-food items, but the bills are paid. 

And when other unexpected bills have struck, like the multiple van issues, we  were blessed in ways we could not have imagined. At first, we were having starter problems. The van would not start. Our local, and trusted mechanic, told us that was something he could not help with. We feared the price tag the dealership would put to such a task. My husband called and began to inquire. Turned out, there was a recall on that part and we didn't have to pay a dime! The relief was like a wave over us, despite agreeing that whatever happened would be God's will. Then the alternator died. We broke down on our way home one day. We had to have the van towed to the mechanics shop, rent a car for the weekend, as well as pay for the parts and labor. But at the same time that happened, we had sold something donated to us by my husband's grandparents. The money from that sale more than covered all those expenses. 

Another item his grandparents had donated us, also sold. And with the money we got from that, we were able to get the last of the Christmas presents on our list for family and friends. This was one part of me that hurt the most. I'm a giver. It is my gift, or curse - depending on your point of view. I love to give, even when I have so little. 

Then there were other things. Like my son needed a new backpack. I'm praying his lasts until Christmas. (Tonight, we had to duct tape it back together. Duct tape - the key element for everything.) That is when he gets a new one from money sent by a friend to purchase gifts for the kids. My daughter needed new panties. Those also came from that money. Shortly after shopping for those things, we came to find that both boys' jackets broke and they needed new ones. They also needed pants. Another friend writes that he wanted to be their Santa this year. He sent money that more than covered those needs. They were even able to get some toys that I would not have otherwise been able to get. My baby got a walker that will hopefully help her learn to walk. At 13 months, she is being a little slow. My middle son needed shoes. Without even telling my mother, I received a packaged from her that had a new pair in it just for him. And not a day too soon. We had duct taped his old pair back together and the school was planning to get him a new pair when they saw it. They didn't, however, so we were very glad to have gotten those when we did! Today, the school surprised us by sending 3 pairs of shoes for the boys and one for my daughter. They will be set for a little while yet. 

These are just a few things that I have come to realize. All the times I have worried, God has provided in ways that I never would have thought to be. We have been able to keep our heads up. To have our needs, and even some wants, provided for. Through family and friends. I had applied for a job last week. Sadly, even after 2 interviews, it just wasn't meant to be. But I have faith. We will be fine. Better than fine. We will get by with life going smoothly. No matter what hiccups may come, we don't have to worry. I don't have to worry. God has got this.