Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

The Shadow of the Valley of Death... Remember the Light is Coming!

This past week got dark. I guess you can say I just couldn't handle all the downs that seemed to be hitting us back to back... to back. It was pretty miserable. The first week of July saw all my children sick. One at a time, each of the older three got strep throat. The baby was teething. HARD. Total meltdowns. Screaming fits for no reason. Biting on everything. Wanting Mommy to hold her CONSTANTLY! Then the back pain and migraines had to chime in. Sleeping at night became a bygone and by 1 in the afternoon, I wanted to crawl back into bed even if I barely managed to get up by 10 AM. My husband comes home from work one morning and I tell him we have to take the kiddos to the clinic. He mumbles something about, "if the van will even start". Talk about my heart wanting to skip a beat. He hadn't told me that the vans catalytic converter had gone out the night before when he was heading to work. Said he didn't want to add to my stress just yet. This was the third part to break down in less than a month. Before that, it had been our emergency break. Followed by the AC. Yep. We had to rig the brakes and drive with the windows down. In triple digit heat. Now this thing breaks! So we sound like an old Harley Davidson. Or like those big trucks that so many Texan men feel they have to drive to compensate for their lacking in other departments. Which is funny when you consider all the times we made fun of those guys... He was driving to or from work once and this guy on a Harley in front of him kept checking his mirror and looking behind him for the other "biker". 

Mental head slap here. 
The kids commented on the sound. I told them to imagine themselves on a big motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair. Or in a big truck that no one else could touch. My husbands imagination is lacking, but I'm working on him. We can't talk when we drive. Can't hear each other or even ourselves above the wind and loud exhaust sound. Then we went to the part store to have them check the codes. Our Check Engine light is on. As is our Brake Light (though we know why on this one). The codes said we have a gas leak. My husband looks over the van after a new sound started. The fuel pump needs to be replaced. So now the van jerks as well when we drive. 

It is so hard to stay positive right now. After all, if the van breaks down any further, we are completely screwed. No secondary vehicle. No one close by to bum rides off of or borrow a vehicle from. My husband has school Monday - Friday and works 3 nights a week. Which is another reason I have been down. He put in for more work hours since his summer classes are less than the normal semester hours. He can work more nights. But they haven't been scheduling him for more. In fact, one week they didn't schedule him at all. So on top of our normal bills that we are unable to fully meet on his check, we now have other bills pouring in. Surprise! 

Which is about when another surprise came. We had hired a tax lawyer a year ago to fix an issue that the IRS brought up. It had to do with my tax return filed the last year I was married to my ex. He did his job, or that's what we thought, and we moved on feeling confident. Until now. We got word that the issue had not been resolved. I contacted the lawyer for answers and he got back to work. Now he sends me a bill for nearly $200! 

When it rains, it really pours. 

I was so done. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not even the love of my life. Didn't want to care anymore. I told myself I had to take it one day at a time. I tried to figure out what the heck I must have done to deserve all this. Why my life couldn't be what I wanted. I mean, I know people swimming in debt who seem to have happier lives than me. I know of people that have marriages falling apart (though they can't see it) and they are moving up in life like there is no tomorrow. So why aren't we? Here we are trying to obey the rules and live our lives the way God would have us do. Why are we struggling and suffering so much more? I once asked my Dad about that. He told me, "The good die young." The wicked prevail. Good people suffer. Why? Take a look around. The world is full of evil. No good deed goes unpunished. It is not that we can't be just as happy, but that we are put to the test. Will we stay true? Or will we falter and fall into the pattern of everyone else? These trials build our character. They make us stronger and wiser. We make better choices next time. 

Enjoy the view on the mountain top. 
Life comes with highs and lows. Some times it seems that there are more lows than highs. My current life, as a case in point. When we are standing at the high peak, we see endless possibility. We see a beautiful horizon. But when life throws us lemons and things go sour, we are in the valley. Full of shadow. Worries and fears creep closer. Darkness threatens our happiness. These are the moments when we truly have to recall the memory of being on the mountains top. To remind ourselves that things can be better, will be better. That there is another one coming. It seems impossible at times. And there will be times we fall into the darkness of our hearts. When we feel no one can understand what we are going through. When even my child's smile makes me feel inadequate as a Mother. 

These times will pass. 

Good or bad, every thing passes. Nothing is a constant. It took me a couple days to get over it. A couple days to cry myself to sleep and remember that nothing will change with me being in a bad mood. Time to make the best of what we have. Time to remember that things could be worse. And that blessings come when least expected. Like our new lawnmower. Our lawnmower broke down a while back. My husband has been "mowing" the grass with the weed eater. He dreads it. We have a 10'x10' yard. Tiny, right? But in 100+ degrees, it seems like an endless task with the weed eater. Then our neighbor comes over and offers us his electric mower as they are moving and will not have a need for it anymore. God moves in mysterious ways when we aren't looking for it. It won't make everything better, but at least it is one problem fixed on our always-growing list. 

Make the bad parts funny.

I have always been a fan of imagination. Not everyone can use theirs as well as I can, but it doesn't hurt to try. Your mind is a wonderful factory. It can make the worse situations comical, which helps you get through them. We "pretend" that our van is the Harley or the big truck. We laugh at the little things. My husband and I joke about showing up to my in laws in our monster van. He talks about wearing a wife beater and a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off. Although, he says the icing on the cake would be if it backfired when we parked. I draw a line here. If it dares backfire, we will officially be in the "white trash" category, so I say no. Absolutely not. People can laugh and make fun of how we look. We will be laughing right along with them. This valley won't go on forever. My mountains peak is coming. I just have to get ready to enjoy the view and savor the memory.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Getting back into my routines...

Getting back in the groove...
My laziness in home life responsibilities has been showing lately. Home schooling while also working a full time job had become overwhelming to the point I wanted to just call it all quits and put them in school. My husband, who wasn't being supportive, was all for it. After all, he didn't want to take time out from what he does to help with what he deemed my responsibility. It made for quite a frustrating month. 
It came to a breaking point this past week. The conversation of divorce even entered the arena. Stress levels and migraines went through the roof as I tried to make sense of it all. I desperately grasped for moments of calm in the sea of chaos. Where did I go wrong? How do I get my feet back on solid ground? It didn't help to have someone accusing me of being all the things I strive to NOT be. Insult upon injury. 
I can't say my husband and I are getting better. But I do know I'm determined to fix my mothering issues. I've buckled down on being on a daily schedule. It's helped me catch up on what I've fallen behind in. They are enjoying the school work a little more so it's not a chore.
I'm cleaning as needed instead of all the time as a way to avoid other projects. Don't get me wrong, I'm still OCD about cleanliness. I just won't clean the same mess every couple minutes (kids toys) just so I don't have to do something else that is more important. 
I've noticed that the stress and lack of enthusiasm (depression if you will) has caused the pounds to once again pile on. Normally I'd consider it a blessing. I've gone down two pants sizes in the past three months. But considering my only workouts are those at work or cleaning at home, the excess is gathering in the middle. At work it's all weight lifting and walking. Carrying those 50 pound bags of dog food or hauling 20 pound boxes up ten foot ladders. The upper body strength is great. It's one of the things I said I'd work on this year anyhow. But it's not trimming the stomach which is building a gut. I've also gotten to where I eat simply because I'm depressed and not because I'm hungry. The things I eat aren't part of the healthy spectrum. So I'm getting back to disciplining my health. I need to set a better example for those looking up to me.
Cutting back on sweets. Limiting my portions. And working out those abs more. I've got Just Dance games for the Xbox 360 as well as the Wii. Playing them will also give me a chance to have fun with my kids. I used to be so much more energetic and fun. It's time to bring that back. 
I can't guarantee roses and sun shine every day. The daily grind and constant battles that I feel I must fight alone, often threaten to drag me down. I get my happiest moments from my children.
It's a conscious choice I have to make to get up and push back. To tell myself I can take it and more without falling. I'm not going to accept  failure and give up. It takes a lot, and I'm not alone in this scenario. I know I can't fool myself all the time. Some days I'm going to feel broken and I might even cry. I'll try to grab my journal and write the thoughts furiously flowing from head to hand in a river of emotions. Then I'll move on as if nothing is wrong. It's not always easy, but it's how I cope. And this is how I get through the difficult times. I'm getting back in the groove of accomplishments. I am going to make a better life somehow. One day at a time. For me and my kids. 
Remember this saying: "This too shall pass." No matter what it is, good or bad, it has it's limits and won't stick around forever. 

"The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
F. Scott Fitzgerald