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Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Holding On

There's something about those moments that you see happening in slow motion, but are unable to stop that make it all seem surreal. It's like watching it happen to someone else. Your mind tells you what you should do, but your reactions are not quick enough.

We were driving home one day earlier this week when it got me. Hit me quite strongly. I was feeling pains throughout the morning. The kinds that I ignore and keep pushing my way through. But on the way home, I happened to run my hand through my hair. Triggered another sensation that I do not often feel. It's like the hair itself in one spot is bruised. I don't know how else to describe it. Touching that spot hurt. Like a bruise. But in the pursuit of knowing more about it, I suppose I pressed too hard. Shortly before arriving home, I was conversing with my husband about the EMS at the nursing home up the street from where we live. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my head and the sudden lightheadedness that I loathe. So sudden and strong was it, that I felt I was losing consciousness. I breathed deeply, willing myself to stay awake. Fighting my body for control. We arrived at home with my husband worrying. I told him that I would be fine. He had to run to the store for me and I needed to get lunch in the oven. I began feeling feverish. My head was still hurting. But I told myself to get things done. After starting everything, I went to lay down upstairs. 


There is a reason I dread laying down. Well, at least when I get like this. It is when I feel the most vulnerable. When the reminder of my weakness is at its highest level. I don't know about you, but laying down is when each ache, every pain and the slightest disturbance within can be felt with the clearest distinction between each sensation. While laying down, I could feel it all. Tingling in my right foot. A pin prick in my left foot. Tension in my neck. Pain in my head. Pulling in my lower back. I could pinpoint each place bothering me all at once. Then the feeling of passing out returned. This, of course, came just as my husband came back. The look in his eyes brought tears to my own. He worries so much. Of course it did not take long before his tears started flowing freely.
It is hard to be strong, but for those of you who are in a similar situation... It is imperative that we stay strong for those we love. By no means is it easy. I fall short in so many ways. But I can't give up. And neither should you. I don't have a special formula to withstand the imbalances of the deformed and injured body. Instead I have prayer. For my good days as well as for my bad days. On my good days, I thank God for the strength to do what needs to be done. On my bad days, I thank God I'm alive for another day and ask for His strength to get through it.

In an attempt to avoid future issues, I have gone proactive. At least one of my sons knows the pass code to my phone and knows that should anything happen to me, he is to immediately contact my husband. I have one more option I will try for getting health care, but at least this way I have faith that my kids will know what to do in an emergency.

30 comments:

  1. It hurts to know how your suffering. We tried so hard to keep this pain from our children(even when the surgeries were very hard). I heard a commercial for a place in Jax that deals with scoliosis and everything you describe is caused by it. I just wish it could get fixed for you. Living a life with pain all the time isn't living it to it's fullest. You are sharing and inspiring folks.

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    1. It always hurts the parents to see their child suffer, however, it is often a part of life. Your support is appreciated. I have seen many innovative treatments and centers for scoliosis. It seems to be a growing problem in the health of many people these days. You are right. It is not really living. More like surviving. But for now, it is the best I can do with many moments of joy mixed into the pain.

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  2. Have you gone for a doctor visit? I hope there is nothing major happen to you. Could it be possibly too busy with 4 children, you must stay strong and look after yourself no matter what. Your family needs you. I am glad to hear you have a backup plan and taught your children how to reack. God bless.

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    1. Unfortunately, I can't. I don't have insurance or a job to pay for it. Also don't qualify for government assistance.

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  3. I hope you feel better and that days like this would stop. It's not easy to deal with pain but we try as much as we can to continue our daily tasks. You're such a strong person. I hope you find the time to visit a doctor soon.

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  4. Aw. I am so sorry that you have moments like this. I hope it gets better for you - those kind of days are just awful. Much love! <3

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  5. I am sorry to hear you are having these moments of hurt. It must be so hard to stay strong. I am sending wishes that it gets better for you :)

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  6. My heart goes out to you ... I am sorry that you are suffering and there is no medical assistance you can rely on. I am sending you good vibes and best wishes for your health.

    ❥ tanvii.com

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    1. Thank you, Tanvi! I have hope in a future without these issues.

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  7. Please, please take care of yourself. Go see a doctor.

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    1. Julie, I would if I could. I lost my job and have no insurance. Despite these facts, I don't qualify for government assistance for health care.

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  8. Life is precious and it's what you do with it that keeps you alive on the inside.It's not enough just to live and take that gift for granted. Each one of us has fears,but the more we work to overome them,the more we are able to enjoy our lives.
    From: Calleigh K

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  9. Oh my, I'm so sorry you were in pain, but do you know what's wrong with you? Your description sounds very much like a CVA, (cerebro vascular accident). They can be mild at times, meaning you are still conscious but damage is being done to your brains, I think you should get medical advice at once, if you haven't done it yet!

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    1. I have spinal and neck issues. Sadly, haven't been able to get an updated diagnosis yet.

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  10. We all fall short but thank God for Jesus that we have hope and can keep hold of faith. You are so blessed. Know that.

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  11. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through. Just stay positive and don't forget to ask help for our almighty god. Sending you all the best wishes.

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  12. I's sorry to hear your pain. Just stay strong. I am sending prayers to you. Keep holding on!! You will survive it!

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  13. I feel your pain. I've dealt with a ton of chronic pain issues and other health issues. I'm sending good vibes your way and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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  14. I'm so sorry to hear this - I'm sending all of positive feelings your way, fingers crossed it looks up soon! x

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  15. Sometimes life hits us so hard and we have to do everything in our power to not give up, I'm going through a painful situation right now and sending you all the strength to deal with this from across the world.

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    1. This is very true, Shruti! May you find the strength you need as well.

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