We were driving home one day earlier this week when it got me. Hit me quite strongly. I was feeling pains throughout the morning. The kinds that I ignore and keep pushing my way through. But on the way home, I happened to run my hand through my hair. Triggered another sensation that I do not often feel. It's like the hair itself in one spot is bruised. I don't know how else to describe it. Touching that spot hurt. Like a bruise. But in the pursuit of knowing more about it, I suppose I pressed too hard. Shortly before arriving home, I was conversing with my husband about the EMS at the nursing home up the street from where we live. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my head and the sudden lightheadedness that I loathe. So sudden and strong was it, that I felt I was losing consciousness. I breathed deeply, willing myself to stay awake. Fighting my body for control. We arrived at home with my husband worrying. I told him that I would be fine. He had to run to the store for me and I needed to get lunch in the oven. I began feeling feverish. My head was still hurting. But I told myself to get things done. After starting everything, I went to lay down upstairs.
There is a reason I dread laying down. Well, at least when I get like this. It is when I feel the most vulnerable. When the reminder of my weakness is at its highest level. I don't know about you, but laying down is when each ache, every pain and the slightest disturbance within can be felt with the clearest distinction between each sensation. While laying down, I could feel it all. Tingling in my right foot. A pin prick in my left foot. Tension in my neck. Pain in my head. Pulling in my lower back. I could pinpoint each place bothering me all at once. Then the feeling of passing out returned. This, of course, came just as my husband came back. The look in his eyes brought tears to my own. He worries so much. Of course it did not take long before his tears started flowing freely.
It is hard to be strong, but for those of you who are in a similar situation... It is imperative that we stay strong for those we love. By no means is it easy. I fall short in so many ways. But I can't give up. And neither should you. I don't have a special formula to withstand the imbalances of the deformed and injured body. Instead I have prayer. For my good days as well as for my bad days. On my good days, I thank God for the strength to do what needs to be done. On my bad days, I thank God I'm alive for another day and ask for His strength to get through it.
In an attempt to avoid future issues, I have gone proactive. At least one of my sons knows the pass code to my phone and knows that should anything happen to me, he is to immediately contact my husband. I have one more option I will try for getting health care, but at least this way I have faith that my kids will know what to do in an emergency.