Say I Won't!

These days have been hard. Some days have been so painful, Mom had to cancel school and stay in bed. I've walked through my house leaning on doors and walls to get from point A to point B. But I'm still singing! Some people ask, "How?" or "Why?". I mean, when things are this hard and all I want to do is cry, how can I still stand strong? Why is it that I don't give in and just wallow in the pain and misery? First, let me share a song with you. This one speaks heavily to me. Rebel that I am in my heart of hearts, this song sings to my soul!

Even on a good day, I'm struggling to keep the pain at bay. But on my worst days, I'm reminded that I am NOT alone. Every painful step of the way, I'm leaning on the arm of Jesus. According to doctors, I may be walking on borrowed time. No. I'm walking on God's timing. As long as walking is required to do what He has placed in front of me, I will keep on. And when my legs are no longer needed, I will ride that wheelchair to His glory. 

Through all of this, I have a choice. Accept my defeat and give up hope. OR! There is always an or. Or I can rejoice that these legs are still moving at all. Accept that there is still a purpose for me. And be thankful for the time I have had until it ends! Here's another one for you.

These are revolutionary thoughts that most people can't seem to understand until they truly walk a day in the shoes of opened eyes and hearts. But the more you praise God for His faithfulness, the more you find yourself in joy. The more you see the good through the bad. That glorious silver lining! 

That is where I am. Being thankful. Accepting the calling. And praising God for the wonderful ways He has been working in our lives. From the mountain top views, through those dark and shadowy valleys - I'm gonna keep looking forward. Just Say I Won't!

First Comes the Test, Then Comes the Lesson

In life, we don't always have the lesson first, do we? Wait, do we ever?? I don't think so. I think we always go through a tough time before we understand why. That is IF we ever understand the why.

My husband and I have been in the middle of a new lesson. Patience being a big part of it. Letting go of that idea that we can do anything without anyone else helping is another part of it. 

Last week, we started hearing something that resembled running water in the pipes. While nothing that requires water was on. Hmm that doesn't seem quite right, now does it? Of course we, the kids and I, told Dad when he came home from work. As well as having sent my husband a picture of a puddle that was in front of a door on our house. 

My husband had bought one of those cameras that you use to see behind the walls, that has an LED light and is flexible. We had gotten it to check on other plumbing issues, but now it was looking for a flowing pipe. No matter where my husband fed it through the wall though, he wasn't finding it. Next step was to drill holes in the walls. A couple in the bathroom. A couple in the hallway. Another one or two in the game room and closet. This is when I started to be concerned. He even opened up the air conditioning unit and found that there was a little pond under that! Well, now things are really getting interesting. 

Fast forward and I'm asking the church to pray for us. My husband and I are getting frustrated. With the situation as well as with each other. In theory, we should be able to handle this. On our own. But the more we look, the more trouble we are finding. All because we can't find the trouble! Then he reaches out to a friend in the church. That alone was surprising to me. Then he's asking me to get recommendations for plumbers that have equipment to find leaks under the floors and possibly under a concrete slab. Finally! We are going to get help. Ever want to suggest that to your spouse, but don't want them to feel that they aren't adequate because of it? That was me. 

To the Nextdoor app I went in search of recommendations. Our Neighbors never disappoint. I had a list of places to call within the hour. Unfortunately, I'm calling on a Friday. The soonest, but most expensive one, couldn't come out until Monday. The next in line, both in price and in availability wasn't until Tuesday. Great, a whole weekend of flowing flooding water under my floors. But then I got a notification. There had been a late addition to the list! Jose from Pro1 Plumbing. So I give him a call and catch him on his lunch break. He's willing to take a look, and only charge me IF he finds the leak for sure. He can come within the hour. I feel hope again! 

He shows up. He gets a lay of the house and how the pipes have to be based on where all our water fixtures are. I'm feeling pretty good about this guy. He calls his son and buddy over to help him in the search. They have to have someone turn the water off and on while he listens for the echo of the spray under the floors. He narrows down the area where the leak should be and then they double check to see where the water main comes into the house. All three of these guys are now digging in my front yard that has become a mud pit. I have two puddles now in front of each of my front doors. And he was able to show me water pouring over the slab. Part of the slab even crumbled as he pulled the mud back. 

My husband is at work while this is happening, so I'm having to text him and wait until he gets the messages through his spotty signal. I'm trying my best to keep him informed and also get his decisions on how to proceed. They are talking about needing to cut the carpet and roll it back to better hear the echo. I'm finally getting a price quote too. To find and repair this busted pipe. Which I now know is a gusher after having seen how fast the meter is spinning and how loud the sound has gotten. In my mind, I was determined to talk my husband into just paying these guys to knock this problem out the park. Get it fixed! They have the tools and the know-how. And I really do NOT want to have to rip up floors and tiles and carpet without knowing what we are facing. Not to mention having to possibly buy or rent the tools to cut the copper piping.

By the time they have dug the hole, it is already 4:00 and the heat is getting high. These guys are sweating and clearly tired. The job would take a least 2 more hours. Possibly more. So we all agree that it would be best if they stopped there and just come back in the morning.

Now, we fast forward to the morning after. We turned off our water at their request before they came over. We had moved everything out of the way of the areas they would need clear.

My youngest says, "It reminds me of when we first moved in!" She is so right. That had been my husbands assessment when he got back from work and saw all that the kids and I had already moved. I probably shouldn't have done as much as I did, which wasn't much at all, since my back has been acting up all week.

The guys showed up and found the closest point to the pipe they could get and had to cut into the hardwood floors that we have under the carpet. Then they had to get the ShopVac out and the jackhammer. Turns out, the pipe is under the slab. And the amount of water is incredible! They were carting out buckets filled. By the time they stopped, which was some time close to 5:00 I think, they had carted out about 25 gallons at least. 

Once again, I'm glad we decided to hire these guys. There is no way my husband and I could have done this alone. Even with help from our teenage sons. This is a massive undertaking. And we don't have the skillset for it. Our house was built in a time when they thought putting layers of tar and gravel under the concrete was the way to go. This is why the water is staying in place instead of finding its way into the ground. That, and Midland is mostly clay dirt, so water stays around for a VERY long time. But now we can see why the weeds in the front garden bed were springing up mercilessly! They were getting well watered by this leak. The plumbers had to leave again with the promise of coming back on Sunday. 

I was thankful to start putting our living room back in shape. The game room was near or over the leaking pipe and was quite the disaster zone. 

Then we had them here working through the day on Sunday. Only to find there was more than one leaking pipe! This house was built in 1952. Most of the pipes haven't had anything replaced since they were laid. We fixed one out front. And another popped loose near the front of the foundation. Then sometime, probably quite a while back, another couple joints came apart under the bathroom and game room. A sketchy patch job was revealed behind the water heater. And we were thoroughly ready to just give up. I'd love to have just curled up in bed and wished it all away. 

But we have had to juggle refilling water jogs to refill toilet tanks every time someone had to use the restroom. 

We have four kids who are tired of being trapped in either their bedrooms or the living room. 

Then came the big decision. Do we do a quick patch or do we actually re-pipe the house? A patch job won't hold. Not for long. So now, we are going with the saying, "In for a penny, in for a pound." We decided to have them move all the piping upwards through the attic! I'm glad we have a fantastically strong foundation with about 3 inch thick wood over about 3-5 inches of concrete, over a layer of gravel that was packed in, over a final layer of tar. This house shouldn't ever have issues with settling. Whoo! But they have to reroute the pipes upwards now. Yay...

That is what they worked on ALL DAY on Monday. My husband had to take a day off from work. We went without water, which meant having to purchase huge jugs and more bottled water to keep us going through the night and day. We kept the whole family in the living room to limit anyone getting in the way. The guys worked hard and fast, which made us happy. But it was hard on us all. Being confined in a single room. You'd think it was a zombie huddle. With spurts of activity when someone decided to do something. For me, it was incredibly tiring. Though I did manage to finish reading a book. 

Suddenly we think they are at the end of the job. Putting things back together. Cleaning up areas they were finished in. That is when another leak was found. They had turned on the cold water with no problem. Then they turned on the hot. And water spouted from another joint! I was  feeling pretty dead inside. Too tired. Too desperate for a shower. Just too much of everything at once! 

But as we were finishing up dinner in the living room, they were finishing up cleaning. They even repaired the holes in the wall, which wasn't part of the deal we made. They also repaired the drainage for my washing machine hook up that was leaking every time we washed clothes. I'm more than grateful for that! After all, my husband has been too busy to do it and the way he wanted to fix it was too much of a process. After all, engineers sometimes over-complicate things. I've been washing clothes since the plumbers left without any more leaking water! But that was all they did. I probably sound like those infomercials - But wait! There's more! They found out why we had this sewage smell sometimes. Turns out that the pipe that would vent sewage gases up out of the house, is cracked. So when the wind blows really hard, as it has been, it sends the smells right back in. Jose told my husband how to repair that when we are ready.

Time to think

I have been thinking a lot about the lessons we were facing in this. 

We had to let go and let someone else step in to fix something. 

We had to accept that it would cost us a pretty penny and possibly eat up the majority of our savings cushion. 

We had to 'rough it' without water. Again. 

We had to be patient with this plumber and accept that he has been working on the weekend and dealing with his family wanting his time as well. 

And for me, in particular, I had to accept that my weekend plans were effectively erased. I try my hardest to write my plans in pencil, but the weekend is the only time the kids and I can truly get out of the house and possibly do things. Not gonna lie, spending time at the park was looking really nice... But we couldn't do that. We had to be here for the workers getting things done. We missed church too, while waiting to hear from the plumber on Sunday morning. Not knowing when he might show up. 

I had my moments of doubt. Had moments of thinking we messed up in our choice of plumber. That maybe this was just a bad dream. No, wait, that was just my wish. And yes, even wondering why this was happening to us at all. 

But I will say this. There was so many things that were evidence of God's goodness. Things that I can be thankful and praise-filled about. 

1. Even with the water turned off, we could still use the restroom and flush the toilets. 
2. This plumber was no-nonsense. Honest and blunt with us. 
3. My in-laws weren't here while this was going on.
4. The prices we were facing, while still high for our income, were nothing near as high as they could have been. 
5. God gave us what we needed, included enough money to purchase extra water and microwavable foods to keep us going until the repairs were finished. 

There is a song by Micah Tyler called Even Then. I heard him in person once, and he explained the story behind it. The heartaches and trials his family were facing were still more than what we had here. Part of it says, "Even when the waters won't stop rising... You're with me even then." The waters were rising under our very feet. But God got us through. And sent the right person to fix it. 

The Struggles Are Real

It is hard to feel sympathetic towards others in pain when you, yourself are suffering. Especially on a daily basis. I do feel bad for those with pain. For those with deformed spines particularly. I can have a real sympathy for them.

I know only too well the hardships they face doing the simple things in life. Everyday is a process. Pushing myself to keep going. Striving to get things done. Pregnancy made things so much harder, both during and then after. I've sought help from several doctors over the past several years. More than once, I've heard words that essentially meant, "I can't help you." One doctor even told me, "You are a strong woman. Learn to live with it." I still have a double curve. My arthritis has spread throughout my body. In some ways, my research has made me more of an expert than most of the real 'experts'. A disc slipped. Crushed the nerve under it. Then I found out I had Degenerative Disc Disease. 

 Degenerative discs are when the discs in the spine are under pressure and begin to "dissolve". I know it runs in the family as my aunt had to have a rod put in to support her lower spine. I had one doctor suggesting we should do laser surgery to remove whatever was causing the pinching of the nerves. If that hadn't worked, he wanted to just insert rods again.  

We never got there there. I had my baby, life moved on. And so did we. Went to a new town. My neck lost its natural curve, causing migraines and headaches. New doctors said I was beyond help by them and the scientific knowledge and equipment they had access to.

Back when searching for answers was important to me, I was really feeling like a walking disaster. I had depleted my PTO at work. Between child care, vehicle issues, pain and inability to walk... I felt like a lost cause most days. 
I got so tired of the life that meant telling my kids, "Mommy can't right now." I'm still not wanting to socialize because I don't like those pitying looks or "poor you" comments. I'm tired of seeking answers and coming to dead ends. Of wanting relief and finding only more pain.

I have learned of all kinds of pain relief methods. Some that work for me. Some that don't. But it gives me options to suggest to others who are in a similar situation as I am. 

Epsom salt baths

Heating pad and ice pack revolutions

Over the counter medicine is round the clock on my hardest days, but I've been warned about liver and kidney damage. 

Stretch and walk as often as I can. 

Through everything, pain persists. Sleeping, sitting, walking, reclining - sometimes it just doesn't matter what I do. However, I can proudly say, I'm surviving through it. I'm living life as best I can. Day by day. 

For all of you out there who have back problems - I feel your pain. I understand every ache. I know what you go through daily. It may never get easier unless you take drugs or have surgery. No, it will most likely get worse. Every day it gets harder to roll off the bed. To stand and wash those dishes. To lift that bag of groceries. To sit at a computer for 8 hours. To smile at those you pass while pretending you are okay. But we can't stop. As much as I want to give up or as often as I question, "Why me?" I have to remember that I'm needed no matter what. I have to keep trying and be patient. As my husband often reminds me, we have to wait on God and His timing. It's hard. Very, very hard. I'm usually very patient. More so than most. But I do struggle daily.
Keep on trying. Don't give up. Answers will come. Whether they are what what you want to hear.... that remains to be seen. But don't give up.

Catching Our Breath Yet?

I feel as though the whirlwind of activity hasn't stopped yet. We finished the tiny house. Got my sister-in-law settled in. Did school for a week. Sent the boys off to camp. But still the fast pace didn't slow down. 

After we came back from getting my sister-in-law, we had a busted water pipe to fix. While I hope we never have to do that again, at least we now know how to! It was pretty epic. There were roots crowding the pipe junction that caused it to break. So working to fix it included cutting the roots with a chainsaw. Quite the interesting experience...

My daughters made a joke by placing this prank tape across the bathroom door while we had the water turned off.

We learned about this flexible pipe that can connect the two ends, but also allow for the possibility of roots to push it without breaking it. 

We wanted to help boost the signal for my in-laws to use the internet without disruption in the tiny house. So my husband bought Cat5 cable and thought he would just run it through the attic space. That turned into my next project...

Remember the game room ceiling I painted? Oh wait... I don't think I had shared that post with you just yet. Well, I painted the popcorn ceiling to be like a galaxy in the game room. Now I'm in the process of fixing this to look like a black hole in that galaxy. 

At this point, I keep thinking of that one song by Johnny Diaz.

Ever have those days? When you just need that reminder to stop and breathe? I've been feeling that. We are trying to get back into the groove, but it is a steady stepping process. Sometimes those steps feel like one forward and two backwards, but we keep pushing. A lot of things happening. I hope to have many posts to show some interesting projects, so be patient with me. And remember, just breathe.

Keeping the Faith or Finding the Faith Repeatedly?

Friday night comes around. For most, it is a celebration. The end of another work week. A chance to unwind. For me, it is just another night. Another day done. Only change for me would be that the next two days will not include schooling the kids or two nights of making lunch for my husband to take to work the next day. For the past several weekends, I keep forgetting that nothing is happening of notable exception. I let myself think of hopeful plans before reality kicks in. Then it hits me and I hate my mind for being ridiculous. 

Christmas is coming and instead of being thrilled, I've actually just wanted it to be over. I had thought the Grinch in me had dissipated. I was wrong. I'm starting to be glad we are planning to do it at home with just us. Less stress of how I'm going to get through it. 

So why? Why would I feel like this? Why am I going through these notions? Well, I'm finding it hard to keep the faith right now.

I wish I could say that I'm always "keeping the faith". That I always believe everything is going great. That I never worry. But that just isn't so. A friend asked me how I keep the faith. At the time I told him, that I remind myself that this isn't it for me. This life isn't all there is for me to look forward to. But as time went on from that conversation, I thought over it again and again. And again. 

The truth is, I don't "keep the faith". I continually have to renew it. I have to choose my faith over the doubts and fears that constantly plague my mind. It is never as smooth-sailing as some make it look. I've heard pastors say that as Christians, we are to shine a hopeful light at all times because we don't know who is watching and we want to remind them that hope is out there. And they would be right. In our hardest times, we are to exude the ever flowing knowledge that God is greater than our troubles. However, I'm human. And I'm honest. So I'll admit it. Life isn't roses just because I chose to follow Christ. Because I believed in Him. I have trials and troubles just like anyone else. But I keep reminding myself that He is in control. That my worries are just that. Pitiful worries. This life isn't the end all. After all, read Romans 5:3-4. This is progressive towards something much greater.

The snowball starts

Things happen though.

Last month a chain reaction set off in me. It started just as my parents left and my husband came down with a dreaded virus. I was so thankful they didn't get sick! But I was also worried about my husband. One by one, the rest of us, save one, had symptoms of the illness. I was comforted by the fact that God allowed one of my kids to avoid getting sick while the youngest had a mild sore throat only. Through it all, I could see God's hand. That week, each day went by in a bit of a blur. I was so sick, I wanted to stay curled up in bed and cry. Sickness carries a secondary reaction in this broken body of mine. Every nerve and joint hurts when I get under the weather. But as I told my husband, Mom can't stay in bed. She has cooking. She has kids. Life goes on. I prayed daily. For healing. For strength. Just to do a little more. And before I knew it, Friday had arrived. My husband was finally better and able to get at least one shift in for the whole week. Talk about a tiny paycheck though! And I have a family of 6 to make sure is fed. But God got us through that trial too. Did I freak out? Better believe I did!

Next week comes along. We are back to school. We are back on track. I carefully plotted out meals and we skimmed through with the basics. My husband started driving to a new site. It is an hour one way. So gas bill was a little higher. But it was all going to be okay. Right? His paycheck came through. Only a third of what we had planned on. Turned out the medical insurance double billed to get us for a backdated start on his benefits. I started seething. Who were they to pull this crap without notice?? But no. Back to believing that God's got this. I slipped up in my faith, but the truth is there. It's all going to be okay! 

Week three was now over. And guess what we find? Check 3 is also cut down to maybe a third of what he should have taken home. Again with the insurance. So I sit here thinking, why bother caring anymore? This is life and it will be whatever it will be. We just have to keep skating through one task after another.

Life keeps on going

I wish I could say that I took this like a rolling punch. But it was more like a doubled over one. I wish I could say I had no frustration ripping through me. But I did. I'm a planner. I have Christmas to prepare for. I had projects I wanted to work on and places to check out. We moved to this new town and I want to know more about it! I'm a problem solver. But I feel as though there are too many problems weighing me down lately. At the end of the day. I sit back and say, Nothing more I can do. Just gotta make the best no matter what happens. 

But that doesn't keep my anger down completely. That doesn't give me 100% unfailing confidence that everything will continue without a hitch. That we will prevail. 

Instead it has me doing some serious searching. Questioning what is wrong with me. There has to be something wrong with me. I'm the only one having a problem right now. Kids have their moments. After being shut up at home with just each other and me, they get tired of the Monday - Friday grind too. Thankfully, they cheer up during the weekend. Saturday means there is a chance we will go to the library or grocery store. Sunday means church. And that all adds up to an escape. Not so much for me. I seem to want more out of the weekend.

One past weekend didn't have either of those happening. And that dark cloud rolled over me that I just couldn't seem to shake. I didn't even want to try. I just kinda shut down. Answering questions directed at me and otherwise silently went through the daily tasks lined up. I came to a realization. I have an adventurous spirit. I like exploring. Seeing new places. Heck, I even have moments where I think I might enjoy meeting new people and making friends. Not so often these days, but occasionally. Turns out, that is what is wrong with me! I'm physically broken, but my mind hasn't slowed down to join it. And even when I'm physically active, I'm married to a guy that is a home body. He is so tired of driving all week, that even if we have money and/or time he doesn't want to leave home. And even if I'm dying to go out, I can't bring myself to ask that of him. Besides, 3/4 of my kids don't like being away from home for long. My boys would rather sit in the game room, playing or watching their dad play. The youngest gets tired of walking and starts whining about going home, which frustrates me to the point of being done with whatever I'm attempting to enjoy. 

I had hoped that our Thanksgiving Day weekend trip to my in-laws would be a shining reprieve. But the night before our trip, my husband and daughters started showing symptoms of sickness. It blew up suddenly. We got up before the sun the next morning and almost didn't make the trip at all. Let's just say our trip wasn't as glowing as we had hoped. Not quite nightmare stage, but got pretty close. My husband had an asthma attack that scared me. I'd never seen that happen before. He is always so careful with his asthma. And we all came down with symptoms that required around the clock medications.

A choice has to be made

I really don't know how I'm supposed to rectify this character trait in me. But I know it brings me to a choice. The same choice has to be made, over and over again. I can choose to stay in the dark cloud or I can choose to find joy. I can find my faith again. Tell myself that everything is going to get better. That everything is alright. Sometimes it starts as one choice, but later I turn the other way. Sometimes it requires me to accept what I can't change quietly. Sometimes I have to stop myself from getting my hopes up again or having higher expectations on anyone or anything else in my life. Only one has never disappointed me - God. So yes, I have to keep the faith. More accurately, I have to keep renewing it. It doesn't come naturally to all of us. It is an effort that has to be taken. With or without a prior struggle. I remind myself that though I "will have troubles in this world", that I must "be of good cheer" for He has "overcome the world". 1 John 16:33

It Is Not a Failure, But a Training Experience For Future Success!

My children and I did a fun project in our homeschool. It was called the Family Interview, by Wondermom Wannabe. I had them do it while we were still participating in a homeschool co-op I was coordinating for. My son decided to direct one of the questions to me. It was, "What is something few people know about you?" That was actually tough for me. I don't hide much, if anything. I'm a very open person. More so than even my husband would like at times. After thinking for a while, my answer was this, "I'm afraid of being a failure at anything." Of course, later on, I came to the thought that I could have told him I know how to weld. Most people don't know that one! But he had shared what I had told him in our class. It truly is something that I strive to never deal with. Failure. 

If I compare myself to others, I know I will most likely feel as though I have failed in a lot of ways. I think the ONLY thing I could say I'm more successful in than most, would be in how I've raised my children. But I digress. 

An email I get every Friday, called the Friday Connect, comes from my husbands home church back in Colorado. I often receive encouragement from it. This past week, I got something relevant to a situation I have recently gone through. 

First the message...

This encouragement covers something that I struggle with. 

"Disappointment is tied directly to our expectations. When we project unrealistic expectations upon others, it’s inevitable that people will let us down, churches will let us down, spouses will let us down, and disappointment will surround us. Be careful what you expect from others. Let your expectations be rooted in your relationship with Jesus. He came to be a servant, the servant of all! Imagine that, the Son of God, choosing to serve.  Are we greater than Jesus? No way. Friend, the solution to your current frustration may simply be a readjustment of your expectations.  Go back to the cross of Christ and die there, again, and again and again. When you choose to die to yourself so that you live to Jesus, disappointments disappear!"

Then the application...

I was asked to start a homeschool group by the pastor of our local church. Originally, I wasn't the only one asked. But the other lady dropped out almost immediately as she said it was destined to fail. My hopeful personality thought it wouldn't be able to fail. It was hosted by the church. Everyone acted excited. We even had someone donate to the fund for supplies on the very first day of starting! No. This was going to work. With my determination, I knew I could do it. 

But like the text above says, "When we project unrealistic expectations upon others, it's inevitable that people will let us down..." While I wouldn't say that my expectations were unrealistic, they were overly hopeful, and unaligned to what others expected from this endeavor. My expectations for the group itself may have been unrealistic though. I had thought that the others who would be joining us would be like me as far as being a homeschooling Mom. I had grown up as a homeschooler. All our friends were homeschoolers. I knew the ropes. I knew the styles. I wasn't expecting what I was met with. Parents who were nothing like us in the homeschooling department. Scratch that - Most of them are nothing like us. Whether it is how we parent. How we teach. Or even in what we believe, in some cases. Many days, I felt so overwhelmed. Everything was in my court. And everything moved quickly. 

So when the beginning of the end came around, my husband had to be talked into allowing me to continue. After all, I could do this. I had been put in charge of a Battalion of children, ages 11-18 for a boot camp in the Naval Sea Cadet Corps. I am the oldest of 10 kids. And my 4 kids are often the best-behaved kids you will see wherever we go. No way would I let this fail!

But fail it did. 

I couldn't see this as anything but negative, especially in my part. I must have failed. I must not be doing something right. As I talked to people involved, I came to see that most of those participating were waiting for the group to die or had already decided to bail as soon as I gave up. I felt even worse as this realization hit. I felt as though I was the only one who enjoyed these classes, as far as the adults were concerned. So I must have failed! Or did I? I had a close friend who was part of this adventure talk to me when things fell apart. Her heart was broken for me. I wasn't seeing how any of this could be good. But she had a word of encouragement for me through it all. 

Instead of seeing this as my fault, my shortcoming, or that my expectations for this working out were too high, she said that I should see this as a training by God. For something else in the future. I learned what others are like. People who aren't as dedicated. I learned how to lay stronger boundaries. How to not get run over by everyone else as I try to positively impact children's lives. It was your classic, take the test and learn the lesson afterwards thing. Isn't that what life is truly like, though? 

Taking the next steps.

I miss teaching the class. I miss the kids. But now, I'm devoting myself to my own kids. And who knows, maybe one day soon I will be a part of a new co-op. But even if I don't, I will teach my kids with my enthusiasm. With the passion I have for learning together with them. We have been doing a lot on our own already. 

I took this photo in Israel. The Sea of Galilee was incredibly calm. Yet, you could hardly see too far ahead. The clouds blocked our views. Life is like that. At least to me. We often can't see the plans too far ahead. And it can be incredibly frustrating. But there is beauty in that. Less stress is my favorite part about that. Giving everything to God and taking it one day at a time instead.

We have also been considering the other options that this family may have. Options that will lead to changes for us all. We wouldn't have been looking so hard if that last straw hadn't broken this camels back. But since it did, we are excited about a new chapter that may start very soon! I will keep moving forward. Not dwelling on what may be perceived as a failure.

 

A Mother's Confession

I have something to confess. Something that I'm angry and frustrated at myself for. Yet, it is something I can't change about myself. Ready? 

I was wishing yesterday. Wishing that I could give up. That I could be done with this life. That is my confession. 

Now here is the story behind it and the turnaround. 

I'm 33 years old and I have the inner skeletal make-up of an 80 year old. And to think, it all started back when I was 15. My Nana Bonnie told me then, "Girl, it only gets worse from here." She wasn't being negative. She wasn't trying to bog me down. She was just being honest. Something I have always appreciated. At 15, I wanted to believe that I was still strong and would come out on top. I lived as though that thought of mine was true until my mid-20's. Then life caught up with me. 

Slowly falling apart...

After 4 kids and a hard work life, my body just can't handle it. I have been diagnosed with so many health issues, all stemming from my back deformities, that I was easily depressed and so ready to throw in the towel when the pain got too hard. I'm too young and not close enough to death to qualify for real painkillers. So instead they offer anti-depressants to try to trick the brain into holding on to happy feelings longer. I'm not about that life, so I've chosen to go over the counter with my medicine intake. I take an Aleve and 1-2 Ibuprofen at a time. Sometimes twice a day, if it is really bad. 

These last several days have been really bad. All day, everyday. I feel as though my nerves are all fighting to have the most attention. As if every part of me is trying to ache at once. The right side of my chest, just under the breast, has an ache that makes breathing painful. So what do I do unconsciously? I stop breathing. Caught myself doing that a few times now. So then I'm battling lightheadedness on top of it all. 

Yesterday was the hardest. I kept having to catch myself from falling. Walking hurt. I lost feeling in my right leg. My chest hurt on both sides. And when my husband went to rub the lower back, he pressed the spot bothering me only to find a lump. When he pressed it, I cried out. I limped into church that morning and kept holding back gasps as pain shot through me. 

Letting it all go...

When we got home, I cried. I made lunch for my family and tried to keep the tears back. I don't cry in front of my family unless I just can't hold back or I can't hide from them. I was angry I ever promised my husband I wouldn't ask God to end it all for me. Pain messes with you in ways you are ashamed of. 

But the pastors message of Sunday came to mind. A reminder that I desperately needed. I have been praying for my healing daily. Praying that I can just be pain free and keep walking. The doctors keep saying they can't do anything. So what else am I to do? Every time I see one, something else has gotten worse. So I pray. 

Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

But that doesn't mean I'm meant to be healed. Only according to God's will does a prayer get answered. Sometimes through natural ways, sometimes through a miracle. It really is a miracle I'm still walking today. Sometimes I feel like the original Little Mermaid. Not the Disney version. The Hans Christian Andersen version. Where she danced for the prince, even though it felt like her legs and feet were full of broken glass shards. What was with story-tellers like him?? Anyway, I sometimes feel the same kind of pain. Can't think of any other way to describe it, but I push on through it. Only by God's grace have I been able to get out of bed every morning. Have I been able to homeschool our kids. Have I been able to take care of my daily duties as wife and mother. It sure hasn't been easy. My determination has been sapped pretty heavily of late. Can't tell you how many times I wished someone else could take over for a bit. But I keep pushing on. I keep praying. My prayers remind me of Desmond Doss of Hacksaw Ridge.

So when I heard Sunday's message, that we have to pray knowing that it is only in God's will and His perfect timing that things happen as they do, that I am reminded to give it all over to God. I could not do anything without Him. I could not go on without His strength. And the fact that I'm suffering is because He is still working on my life. I can't give up. No matter how often I want to. I still have a purpose here. I still have something He needs me here for. I do know one of those things. He is working patience in me. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Light affliction, he says. This coming from a guy who was repeatedly imprisoned and had diseased eyes that caused pain. Who was beaten often and harshly. Light affliction. Why? Because this life is truly fleeting. What comes next is eternity. Free of pain. Free of sorrow. Reunited with loved ones who have gone ahead to the arms of Jesus. Together with them and Jesus!

So no matter how bad it gets, no matter how painful it is, remember this. Remember that this is for a short time. It will pass. And then...

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

Feeling Blue, and it is Only Week 2...

We have been working out (consistently) daily for a week and a half now. About 10-15 minutes of the Just Dance 'Sweat' function, followed by 3-4 exercises from this list that I took from my insanely athletic sister-in-law. In addition, I do extra squats when I'm brushing my teeth, jumping jacks while doing the mouthwash rinse, and situps in bed before I sleep. I. Am. Motivated!

However, in just that first weeks time, I was both overjoyed and depressed all at once. How is that even possible?! 

I CAN do this! 

I am pumped to have a goal. I plan to lose 45 pounds by November. In November, we are taking an international trip. My first time leaving the United States! I'm way past excited. So I want to look my best. Additionally, we are going somewhere that will require about 9 miles worth of walking per day for the 2 weeks we are there. So I need to be in shape for this! No slowing down, no heavy breathing, no sore legs. I'm done with being overweight. Of worrying that I'm due for a heart attack at any time. My husband is right there with me. My home cooking has added some weight to him as well. And diabetes is a real concern for him. 

With all this, however, I knew that soreness would be a part of the equation. I knew that with my broken back, I would have to suffer a little more than normal people would. After all, the saying is, "No pain, no gain". Alright. I accept that. Heating pad, Excedrin, and Ibuprofen are on hand! What I didn't plan for was how much pain. The first 3 days were so hard! I had jelly legs, for starters. Those thighs of mine were so sore! But then the skin on my arm started with the burning sensation from the nerve damage in my back. Every time something touched me there, I felt like I was being burned. I also made a mistake in doing 50 situps on the floor of our living room. I have been doing them in bed for a long time now. But I figured I needed to step it up a notch. Big mistake. I have just barely gotten over the bruised lower back. Even laying back in bed caused pain. My husband says we need to invest in an exercise mat for me to use. On top of all that, for those first 3 days, I lost feeling in my lower arms and hands that still isn't fully back. Cut myself on the finger towards the end of week one, actually, and I can't for the life of me tell you how or when. Then my toes went numb. Again, the darn nerve damage was flaring. When I went to bed, the pain was so bad I had to try hard not to cry out. I lay completely still, thinking for sure that the nerve was officially calling it quits and that I was about to learn what it will be like when I finally lose my legs. 

But I refuse to quit!

Through all this, I refuse to give up. I can't quit. I won't! I will see this through. No matter what. Doesn't mean I won't cry from time to time when no one is looking. Doesn't mean I also won't be jealous of my sister-in-law from time to time. That woman gets up at 4:45 AM, works out, goes to work, comes home and does wife/mom stuff, works out and THEN goes to bed. She looks like a million bucks and acts like it isn't no big thing. She can already dead lift her own body weight! And I thought of myself as Wonder Em.... 

Then came the dreaded shopping trip. My in laws gave my husband and I each a gift card to Khols for Christmas. I'm not much for Khols, but I figured I should be able to at least find a new shirt. Or get super lucky and find jeans. No such luck. First of all, their shelves and floor space was more bare than I have EVER seen it. That was problem numero uno. Then comes the fact that my style isn't things that are trending. Or, I suppose, common? I could not find a single thing for myself. We ended up buying 2 shirts and a pair of jeans for my husband. I told him he can take my gift card and we will go back again and hope they have new stock for him to choose from. It sucked so bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the gift cards. My husband needed those clothes. Most of his shirts are so old they are either threadbare or  several have holes where they catch on his belt or near the tag. But they are comfy and he's a guy - so he doesn't really care. But they bug me! I just let myself hope that I would find something else so that I wasn't still wearing jeans and a T-shirt all the time. You know those memes of what people look like after the quarantine?  I feel like they may as well use my photo for them. I rarely wear anything but my pajama pants and a tee. 

Done with the comparisons...

I wanted to quit. The pain and disappointment was just so strong. What is the point? Why bother? I'm not the me I want to be. But that is the answer, isn't it? I'm not who I WANT to be. That is why I'm doing this. Why I'm fighting so hard. I want to be different. Better. I want to travel the world. I want to have better endurance. No matter the pain that comes with it. To get there, I have to push harder. I have to keep moving forward. Even if I have to crawl through some days. I have to believe that I can do this. That means I need a whole lot more prayer! And coffee.... I used to hate it. Hated the smell of it. The bitterness of it. And now I'm drinking it. Iced coffee. Sweetened coffee. My Dad would be proud, I think. It gives me a short-lived jolt that energy drinks can't match. Without the jitters! I digress. But I'm also not going to allow myself to start up the comparisons. My sister-in-law is great. But she isn't the kind of woman I want to be. I don't want to lift my own weight. I don't want to wear athletic clothes all the time. And I don't want my husband to look like Conan the Barbarian without hair. I have a different vision for the perfect me.

So here goes. Pushing myself through this second week. The numbness is still giving me trouble. My skin still burns on some days. But! I'm giving it my best effort! And begging for the strength of God to keep at it. 2021, you better be ready!

It Is the Little Moments That Make a Big Difference

Our part of Texas doesn't get much snow, but what little we get, we love! Today we have some light snow. Which calls for fun times and bundling up. I love these little moments. The kids ran around chasing each other with handfuls of snow. Their laughter rang out clear. It was still dreary in appearance, outside in the cold. But it felt like we were touched by a ray of sunshine. It was much needed by our family. A chance to breathe and feel free. From being shut in. From burdens of work and school. The monotony. It was like we suddenly had wings and could take off.

 

Seize the little moments, everyone! 

 

And may their joy keep you going in the darkness. When things get hard this year, and they will, may you look back on these happy times and know that more good will come in its time. I treasure these times. And I hope you will too.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Building Self Esteem With Positive Reinforcement

 I have talked about viewing myself better with a change in style. But now I want to look at other positive reinforcements that will assist me in rebuilding my self esteem. Self esteem is built from that happy feeling as well as from accomplishments. Here are the ones I turn to. 

Look for the good in myself

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~ Louise L. Hay

I have tried criticizing myself for many years. I have put myself down and told myself that all the lies I had been told by others were true. They had to be, right? Wrong! Just because life isn't looking so bright as I would want, doesn't mean that I am not the me I once knew. Just because I look different, or just because I have changed physically, doesn't mean I'm less than I once was. I have to remember this.  

Positive thoughts, bring positive action

Can't tell you how often I have let myself think negatively and things seemed to be negative indefinitely. However, when I let my thoughts be positive, things around me seemed to be going well despite the challenges. You have to get into the mindset of seeing the good around you in every aspect of your life. Only then can you keep the positivity going.  

Surround yourself with positive reinforcements

Those we spend time with affect our emotions, for better or for worse. You want to maintain certain levels in your life. Happiness is great, but to hold on to it forever isn't realistic. That doesn't mean you can't stay positive. Just know that the emotions of those around you will bend you their way. Seek to be surrounded by those who build you up. Not with flattering words, but with positive encouragement. Who remind you of your good qualities. But don't fear the constructive criticism you might also receive. Sometimes we need to be alerted when we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes we need that push. Just make sure it comes from those you trust. 

Rainbows and Rainclouds

We received a book from some friends this past year. Rainbows & Rainclouds by Molly Campbell. Each night with dinner, we sit as a family and tell the best thing that happened as well as something bad that happened to each of us. This became so popular in our home that we continued the tradition beyond the book. I took a journal I was given and we record our responses daily. My kids will remind me now if I forget it. This serves two purposes for me. First, it gives me a way to see the good and bad events that happened that day to each of my family members, as well as for myself. Secondly, it gives us the chance to see the good beyond the bad. Too often, we find ourselves focusing on the negative events in our lives. They cast shadows over good times and dampen the joy we could have. 

Let's say you need to take it a step further. Maybe it is too hard to see those blessings in the darkness that surrounds you. My suggestion would be to carry a notebook with you. Every time something happens that makes you smile, write it down. Every time a good memory is triggered, write it down. Pay a bill in full or on time? Or both?? Write it down. These every day, run-of-the-mill events are little blessings. Little accomplishments. 

Put a smile on someone else's face today

Believe it when they say that bringing joy to another will increase your own happiness. Ever that warm feeling when you made someone else smile? I have. And I love it! It truly does lead to the spread of good will. They are more likely to make others happy in return. We have many sayings for this. Pay it forward and The Golden Rule (which actually originated in the Bible - Luke 6:31) being the top two. It is also the Ripple Effect. How one action can trigger ripples that follow. Good deeds from one will lead to many from others.

As a Christian, I attribute all these to God. I see every good thing as a blessing from him. How do you stay positive? I'd love to hear your ideas!  As we head towards a new year, maybe we need a little extra positive influence in our lives.

Being Thankful for 2020

Many of you probably clicked on this post simply out of curiosity. After all, this year has been horrendous. I, out of all people, should know. And yet, I can't help but be thankful. No, not because Thanksgiving is here and I am required to be. Not even just because I'm a Christian, though that is a great enough reason. But rather, because for all the bad it has brought, I'm finding the silver linings. I think each of should look back and see those slivers of good. They are tiny rays of hope in the darkness. 

Feeling my way in the dark

More than once this year, I have felt alone. I had that feeling of being in a room filled with people, but having no voice. Being invisible. All the while, talking and sharing in whatever was going on with those around me. It wasn't always like that though. 

Before the pandemic forced us all into our own corners to cower, another event happened. Something that changed me. In a big way. I used to be comfortable speaking about any topic with any person. After this one event, however, that changed. Now, I'm cautious. Now I have moments of walking on eggshells. Sure, I slip up. But I have gotten back to being the one that tries to listen more and speak less. Unless I am around someone I really trust and who can handle me as I am, I try to keep my opinions, or voice, to myself. As the world has continued to changed, I have seen how so many people have an opinion, but are so against allowing others to have their opinions. When did we become people who thought our ways of thinking were the only way to think? When did we start laughing at others, just because they see things differently? I might not be able to speak my mind. I might not be able to share my life with most of the people I know, even family. But I can listen. And try to support those I cross paths with. I won't be another voice adding to the din. Instead, I'm working to be a voice of encouragement.

Beauty in the pain

I'm no stranger to pain. I've dealt with it for years. And I will deal with it until I die. 2020 has just been a year that took it to a whole new level. I've had 2 surgeries dealing with my faulty gallbladder (that was finally removed). Then there were the 3 wisdom teeth that led to dry socket - how can 1 tooth's' absence hurt SO much?! An ovarian cyst formed - I thought for sure my appendix was killing me. And of course there is the worsening of my spinal issues. 

 

But there is something beautiful about all this. No, I don't wear rose colored glasses and see the cup forever half full. I'm very much a realist. I just look for good in the bad things so that I don't slump into a mental abyss of darkness. Years of practice, people. The beauty I see, is that I'm learning to handle more of it. Little by little, I'm thankful for these moments of pain. They are helping me become more empathetic to others. Less of an intolerant grouch when it flares. 

This year, I have made a wonderful friend in pain. A young woman, like me, who shares in the daily grind of suffering. Different cause, but the similar trials of getting through the day. I can be completely honest. I can tell her when I'm struggling. I can open up and voice my frustrations. As she can too. And we completely understand each other. I'm thankful for this. Before this year, the only person I knew that understood me like that was my Nana. When I talk to her, I don't have to say, "I'm fine." Because we both know, I'm not. As a matter of fact, we laugh about people asking stupid questions. "How are you doing today?"  Here is a hint, folks. Stop asking, "How are you?" If what we have is chronic, skip the part that we have to fake a smile for. Or if you can't skip the small talk, and we answer with, "I'm good/fine/okay", PLEASE, do NOT respond with, "I'm so glad you are getting better!" News flash - I AM NEVER GETTING BETTER! What I have, is for life. And that is okay! I have good days. Where I can literally roll out of bed and get on with the day. For me, personally speaking, that means my pain is what I rate as a level 6 or under. If I show up to be around others, my levels have to be somewhere in that ballpark - often with the use of pills. A moderate day is a level 7, and I will struggle to stand while cooking dinner. Anything above a level 8, means I will be stationary for the majority of the day. I'd rather go thirsty than walk to the kitchen for water. This is what life is like for those like me. We find others like us who understand, truly understand, and we feel strengthened. It isn't pity. It isn't sympathy. It is genuine understanding. And it is beautiful. I'm not alone. 

Seeing truth amid the lies

This last one is harder for me. I grew up in a close, but large family. I was surrounded by people. And while I'm more of an introvert at heart, I have extrovert tendencies when I get comfortable around people. One characteristic of mine, is to be loyal. I call it a blessing and curse. A blessing in that I will remain loyal to, and be there for, anyone I form a close relationship with. A curse in that I have a knack for being hurt the hardest by those I am most loyal to. This year, I took a heavy hit. I still have a relationship with certain people, but I can never trust them to be completely open and honest. Nor can I feel comfortable in being myself around them. I know their personality, their habits and the damage they are capable of causing without even knowing they are doing it. They smile and chat and act like everything is just fine. That nothing has changed. Under the surface, however, they would have to be fools to believe that is the case. 

So this year has taught me another lesson I'm grateful for. Be loving and interactive, but keep enough distance to stay safe. I don't want to alienate myself and my family, but I will be cautious of what others say and do. Relationships always come with the risk of being burned. But choosing to abstain completely from them, causes a great deal of loneliness. It can be a difficult choice to make. I have chosen to toughen up as well as clam up. I can't shut the door completely, but that doesn't mean I have to give them fuel for their fires against me. And if they say something that hurts, I need to let it roll off my back. 

I have 2 pillars for strength

I think of the Bible story of Samson, standing between two pillars. Well, there are 2 that hold me up. Physically and emotionally speaking, my husband has been my stronghold. I couldn't get through all this without him. And I couldn't be more thankful for him. My second chance at a happy life came with him. And I will never be the same. 

More importantly, however, and spiritually speaking, I have God. And even if everything else was taken from me, He is all I need to get through every heartbreak, every trial, every disappointment and all the pain this life throws my way.  I wake up with prayers for strength to endure the day. I fall asleep praying for peace, safety, and grace for those in my life. And I thank God for the trials. That little by little, He is molding me and making me into something new. Something better. Something closer to Him.

These things are that I am thankful for. No matter how bad things might get, I'm going to look for the good it serves. There is always a silver lining. And a purpose to what is happening. What is one bad thing that happened to you that you found the good of?