New Year, New Goals!

This year is really speeding through its gears. March is already at the halfway point! I had decided that I was going to set goals and make them happen. So many things have been vying for my attention thus far. So focus was the first trait I needed to work on to get these goals accomplished. More often than I care to admit, I find myself being a bit scatterbrained. I have my mind set on a future trip. First, Israel, then I want to see Colorado. And then to go back to the Tennessee mountains. They are on my Bucket List. Mountains! I'm thinking I don't really want to play in the snow. After the storm we had here, I'm satisfied with my snow experiences already.

Organization is key.

But back to my goals. I really wanted to get better organized this year. We have had books scattered everywhere. My daughters were the only ones with shelves for theirs. And it drove me nuts, especially in 2020. But this year, my husband got me something I'm truly in love with. Shelves! Christmas gift cards were put to good use in getting another DVD shelf - to finally separate the kids' movies from ours and give us more room.

Since we do not subscribe to streaming services or have cable, a lot of what we watch is movies we own or borrow from the library. So we have a lot of them. 

And then the book shelf he got me was perfect! I was able to put the boys' books and my own on it, while still having room to spare. So I pulled things from bins to display for a change.

I still have 2 bins more of books that I know I won't be able to fit all, but it is a great start. Since taking this photo, I have been sent more books from my mom and the shelves are nearly full.

Girl, look at that body!

I wanted to lose 45 pounds. Be healthier. My husband and I laid out the ground plans for this year and the changes we wanted to see. However, we haven't fully kept to our workout goals. Sickness and storms have interfered in one way or another. We started strong and then my body revolted. I liked working out because it gave me more energy. Sadly, the pain has been killing me. I tried for as long as I could. Now I'm going to switch tactics and work on those meals, smoothies and sleeping better. I really love skipping a meal and having a smoothie for it instead. I am also loving making skillet meals that incorporate cauliflower rice and veggies. Just wish they weren't so expensive!

Cutting back on sweets - Only 3 days a week are we planning to let the kids have treats. As for us, we are only having them on truly special occasions. But in addition to that, we are making sweets a little more on the health-conscious side. More fruit, less sugar. Got any recipes - I'm all ears! Leave me a comment below.

Reading more.

Once upon a time, I was such a heavy reader. I let it go for a while, but I'm back at it. I'm setting goals. I have lots of books to read. The local library had a contest that the kids and I were participating in. It was so much fun to log how many we read! Goodreads also has a Reading Goal function. You set how many books you want to read this year and it keeps track based on the book reviews you leave. I love being a part of Goodreads! So far, I finished 10 books for that goal. For the library contest, I've read more, but mostly for reading to my daughter. As of the time I'm writing this - I've finished reading Ensnared in the Wolf's Lair by Ann Bausum about the 1944 plot to kill Hitler and the children who paid the price for that coup. This was followed by Tales of the Peculiar, the first book in a series my mom sent me that is by Ransom Riggs.

I plan to continue that series as well as The Rise of Nine by Pittacus Lore. If you loved the movies Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children or I Am Number Four, then these series may be of interest to you. With how I read lately, I'm flying through them.

Starting up date nights...

On my Bucket List, I decided I wanted to make a once a month date night happen. When you are in a relationship, especially with children involved, you need that time to reconnect. To be child-free and focusing on each other. No interruptions. January's date night was awesome! We went out to try Vietnamese food for the first time. February didn't have a date night because of the snow storm that disrupted life here for so long. And that is okay. We have had to get everything back on track since then. March isn't looking like we will have one either. My husband rarely gets Friday or Saturday nights off. And one of those is already booked for a camping trip. Hopefully in April we can pick it back up!

And finally...

I have decided to get a cane. I need something for days when it gets too hard. The pain has me struggling with just walking sometimes. And I have decided that I need to accept the help that a walking stick provides. However! With that being said, it won't be your standard walking stick. Oh no! See, I'm a cool nerd. Which means this stick of mine is going to be retrofitted to my personal style. I have been researching steampunk styled canes. Usually, these are for cosplay. Mine is going to be fully functional. I've been researching making one or buying one. I like something simple like this one. Would get through airport security easier!
 

Or I could buy one from Etsy. I found a couple styles that are pretty. And I could potentially add more to it. Check out this one. I'm stuck on whether it is going to be comfortable to hold. Probably not this one. But it is cool, don't you think?

 

What about you? What goals do you have? Any skills you want to learn? We are already a day away from March. No time like the present to begin!

Feeling Blue, and it is Only Week 2...

We have been working out (consistently) daily for a week and a half now. About 10-15 minutes of the Just Dance 'Sweat' function, followed by 3-4 exercises from this list that I took from my insanely athletic sister-in-law. In addition, I do extra squats when I'm brushing my teeth, jumping jacks while doing the mouthwash rinse, and situps in bed before I sleep. I. Am. Motivated!

However, in just that first weeks time, I was both overjoyed and depressed all at once. How is that even possible?! 

I CAN do this! 

I am pumped to have a goal. I plan to lose 45 pounds by November. In November, we are taking an international trip. My first time leaving the United States! I'm way past excited. So I want to look my best. Additionally, we are going somewhere that will require about 9 miles worth of walking per day for the 2 weeks we are there. So I need to be in shape for this! No slowing down, no heavy breathing, no sore legs. I'm done with being overweight. Of worrying that I'm due for a heart attack at any time. My husband is right there with me. My home cooking has added some weight to him as well. And diabetes is a real concern for him. 

With all this, however, I knew that soreness would be a part of the equation. I knew that with my broken back, I would have to suffer a little more than normal people would. After all, the saying is, "No pain, no gain". Alright. I accept that. Heating pad, Excedrin, and Ibuprofen are on hand! What I didn't plan for was how much pain. The first 3 days were so hard! I had jelly legs, for starters. Those thighs of mine were so sore! But then the skin on my arm started with the burning sensation from the nerve damage in my back. Every time something touched me there, I felt like I was being burned. I also made a mistake in doing 50 situps on the floor of our living room. I have been doing them in bed for a long time now. But I figured I needed to step it up a notch. Big mistake. I have just barely gotten over the bruised lower back. Even laying back in bed caused pain. My husband says we need to invest in an exercise mat for me to use. On top of all that, for those first 3 days, I lost feeling in my lower arms and hands that still isn't fully back. Cut myself on the finger towards the end of week one, actually, and I can't for the life of me tell you how or when. Then my toes went numb. Again, the darn nerve damage was flaring. When I went to bed, the pain was so bad I had to try hard not to cry out. I lay completely still, thinking for sure that the nerve was officially calling it quits and that I was about to learn what it will be like when I finally lose my legs. 

But I refuse to quit!

Through all this, I refuse to give up. I can't quit. I won't! I will see this through. No matter what. Doesn't mean I won't cry from time to time when no one is looking. Doesn't mean I also won't be jealous of my sister-in-law from time to time. That woman gets up at 4:45 AM, works out, goes to work, comes home and does wife/mom stuff, works out and THEN goes to bed. She looks like a million bucks and acts like it isn't no big thing. She can already dead lift her own body weight! And I thought of myself as Wonder Em.... 

Then came the dreaded shopping trip. My in laws gave my husband and I each a gift card to Khols for Christmas. I'm not much for Khols, but I figured I should be able to at least find a new shirt. Or get super lucky and find jeans. No such luck. First of all, their shelves and floor space was more bare than I have EVER seen it. That was problem numero uno. Then comes the fact that my style isn't things that are trending. Or, I suppose, common? I could not find a single thing for myself. We ended up buying 2 shirts and a pair of jeans for my husband. I told him he can take my gift card and we will go back again and hope they have new stock for him to choose from. It sucked so bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the gift cards. My husband needed those clothes. Most of his shirts are so old they are either threadbare or  several have holes where they catch on his belt or near the tag. But they are comfy and he's a guy - so he doesn't really care. But they bug me! I just let myself hope that I would find something else so that I wasn't still wearing jeans and a T-shirt all the time. You know those memes of what people look like after the quarantine?  I feel like they may as well use my photo for them. I rarely wear anything but my pajama pants and a tee. 

Done with the comparisons...

I wanted to quit. The pain and disappointment was just so strong. What is the point? Why bother? I'm not the me I want to be. But that is the answer, isn't it? I'm not who I WANT to be. That is why I'm doing this. Why I'm fighting so hard. I want to be different. Better. I want to travel the world. I want to have better endurance. No matter the pain that comes with it. To get there, I have to push harder. I have to keep moving forward. Even if I have to crawl through some days. I have to believe that I can do this. That means I need a whole lot more prayer! And coffee.... I used to hate it. Hated the smell of it. The bitterness of it. And now I'm drinking it. Iced coffee. Sweetened coffee. My Dad would be proud, I think. It gives me a short-lived jolt that energy drinks can't match. Without the jitters! I digress. But I'm also not going to allow myself to start up the comparisons. My sister-in-law is great. But she isn't the kind of woman I want to be. I don't want to lift my own weight. I don't want to wear athletic clothes all the time. And I don't want my husband to look like Conan the Barbarian without hair. I have a different vision for the perfect me.

So here goes. Pushing myself through this second week. The numbness is still giving me trouble. My skin still burns on some days. But! I'm giving it my best effort! And begging for the strength of God to keep at it. 2021, you better be ready!

It Is the Little Moments That Make a Big Difference

Our part of Texas doesn't get much snow, but what little we get, we love! Today we have some light snow. Which calls for fun times and bundling up. I love these little moments. The kids ran around chasing each other with handfuls of snow. Their laughter rang out clear. It was still dreary in appearance, outside in the cold. But it felt like we were touched by a ray of sunshine. It was much needed by our family. A chance to breathe and feel free. From being shut in. From burdens of work and school. The monotony. It was like we suddenly had wings and could take off.

 

Seize the little moments, everyone! 

 

And may their joy keep you going in the darkness. When things get hard this year, and they will, may you look back on these happy times and know that more good will come in its time. I treasure these times. And I hope you will too.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful - But the Books in Here Are Delightful!

While we are not dealing with snow down here in Texas, we are still having chilly and wet weather. I, for one, haven't been wanting to go out in it. Between the stress of a kiddo that wasn't feeling well and my own pain, I have been keeping at home. However, I can only drown my stress in cleaning for so long. Our home isn't that big. So what else am I to do in the meantime? Well, I have been writing! No, not here on the blog. I'm writing my own book! And I'm excited. But even with that I have to take breaks. So what is my next go-to? Reading! And for this blog post, I want to share all those lovely books with you. My favorites actually. Perhaps they will spark some ideas for you. Give you inspiration while you are stuck inside. So get cozy, grab your favorite beverage, and let us dive into world's unknown!

Fiction

The Supervillain and Me by Danielle Banas - This was new at the local library, and I thought a modern superhero/villain story might be cool. I'm more into Young Adult stories than the adult fiction. Less raunchy and more inventive. So bear with me here. This story follows a girl who just wants to be noticed. Daddy is the Mayor, and older brother is a superhero. She's just - herself. Your average good girl, leading an average teens life. That is, until she meets the supervillain. Or is he? This story was very well written. Enough twists to keep you guessing, but written to make it easy to follow. This takes falling for the bad boy in a positive track for a change. I mean, after all, how bad can he be if he gives her chocolate bars?

The Jackaby series by William Ritter - I love stories that bring fantastic characters to life in a more modern age. Elves, fairies, giants, ogres - you get the picture. But what about those in the human world with a gift for seeing them? That is Jackaby. And he takes on Abigail Rook as his efficient assistant. Think of it as a twist to Sherlock Holmes, where they meet dragons, ghosts, a banshee, and even make a friend in an ex-policeman who can become a large dog. They are, however, set in America when electricity was an exciting new idea. I'm currently finished with all but the last in this series (have to buy it soon as the library doesn't have it). I can't wait to see the grand finale and learn how our heroes will stop the destruction of human life. And I look forward to adding it to my personal collection one day.

The Crimson Thread by Suzanne Weyn - Another fairy tale, of a sort. Again, I love them! And this one is a modern re-telling of the classic story, Rumpelstiltskin. Out of all the fairy tales, this was one of my least favorites. Who promises their first born child for a quick fix?? Well, this story gives that one a makeover that had me in love with it! It gives glimpses into the lives of immigrants from overseas in the olden days. Days when women didn't have the rights we enjoy today, but they had strength that some of us dream we had. I greatly enjoyed the historical references being tied together with a more realistic version of the events that led to a happily ever after ending. Including a better explanation for the firstborn!

The Adventures of Rockford T. Honeypot by Josh Gottsegen - This one was not something I thought I would enjoy when I started reading it. The description of it, the fact that it is written more for kids, well... Didn't strike any bells for my fancy. However, after I started reading it, I couldn't stop! All the characters are animal, but their emotions and actions mimic human so much so that you forget you are reading about a chipmunk. This story tells about the life of one in particular - Rockford T. Honeypot. It walks the reader through challenges that come in real life and the endurance Rockford had to overcome them all. It was heartwarming and something that I think was good for all ages. I also enjoyed the references he tied in to popular culture.

Non-fiction

I'm sad to say that I only have one book on this list that is non-fiction. Haven't had any recent reads to put here besides the self help variety that seemed better in their own genre.  Really need to get more non-fiction.

Real Life Organizing by Cassandra Aarssen - I love being organized. And neat. And as clutter-free as I can be. If I have piles, they are typically organized and I know what is in them. Even if no one else does. I enjoyed this book because of how down to Earth she was in her writing. How realistic she is and sympathetic to a family lifestyle. Her ideas have inspired me to work harder at creating the home I dream of that is fully functional, yet stylish for my family. She even includes helpful inserts in the back of her book.  

Self Help and Betterment

A Script for Aspiring Women Leaders: 5 Keys to Success by Mark Villareal and Crystal Ann Suniga - I was excited when this book came out. I worked with both authors in different ways and enjoyed seeing how Ann rose from entry level to become a Million Dollar Producer, all with the help of an amazing manager - Mark Villareal. This book gave details and scenarios that will enable the reader to follow through the process as if they were there. You can then start applying the techniques to your own goals and see how far you can go with them.

The Millennial Factor:10-Steps to Managing Millennials to Success by Mark Villareal - Though I don't work anymore, this book gave some great insight. Millennials are the butt of many jokes these days. Self-righteous, lazy, entitled - there are so many ways to describe them. However, Mark Villareal has a managers good heart to see past these characteristics. He knows how to approach, manage and boost productivity of even the worst of them. In this book, he outlines some scenarios and how to best deal with those described.

Leadership Crisis Management: Understanding the 3-Stages of Crisis Management by Mark Villareal - If there is one thing 2020 taught businesses, it was how quickly they could lose productivity. Mark saw what was happening and wrote a book to prevent businesses from repeating mistakes and leading them down the path to bankruptcy and permanent closure, by giving them a process to follow. With his help, you can set yourself up to be prepared for whatever might happen. And hopefully, not suffer too much loss. 

These last books are all by the same author, and he has so many others you should check out if your goals include better business traits this year. He is a multi-time international best seller for good reason. I have been reading his sporadically throughout last year. Now I'm moving on to half a dozen other books I'm reading in turns. Including 2 daily devotions. 

What are you reading? And are you old fashioned like me - need books made of paper? Or are you riding the future with electronic reading devices? Let me know!

Building Self Esteem With Positive Reinforcement

 I have talked about viewing myself better with a change in style. But now I want to look at other positive reinforcements that will assist me in rebuilding my self esteem. Self esteem is built from that happy feeling as well as from accomplishments. Here are the ones I turn to. 

Look for the good in myself

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~ Louise L. Hay

I have tried criticizing myself for many years. I have put myself down and told myself that all the lies I had been told by others were true. They had to be, right? Wrong! Just because life isn't looking so bright as I would want, doesn't mean that I am not the me I once knew. Just because I look different, or just because I have changed physically, doesn't mean I'm less than I once was. I have to remember this.  

Positive thoughts, bring positive action

Can't tell you how often I have let myself think negatively and things seemed to be negative indefinitely. However, when I let my thoughts be positive, things around me seemed to be going well despite the challenges. You have to get into the mindset of seeing the good around you in every aspect of your life. Only then can you keep the positivity going.  

Surround yourself with positive reinforcements

Those we spend time with affect our emotions, for better or for worse. You want to maintain certain levels in your life. Happiness is great, but to hold on to it forever isn't realistic. That doesn't mean you can't stay positive. Just know that the emotions of those around you will bend you their way. Seek to be surrounded by those who build you up. Not with flattering words, but with positive encouragement. Who remind you of your good qualities. But don't fear the constructive criticism you might also receive. Sometimes we need to be alerted when we are going in the wrong direction. Sometimes we need that push. Just make sure it comes from those you trust. 

Rainbows and Rainclouds

We received a book from some friends this past year. Rainbows & Rainclouds by Molly Campbell. Each night with dinner, we sit as a family and tell the best thing that happened as well as something bad that happened to each of us. This became so popular in our home that we continued the tradition beyond the book. I took a journal I was given and we record our responses daily. My kids will remind me now if I forget it. This serves two purposes for me. First, it gives me a way to see the good and bad events that happened that day to each of my family members, as well as for myself. Secondly, it gives us the chance to see the good beyond the bad. Too often, we find ourselves focusing on the negative events in our lives. They cast shadows over good times and dampen the joy we could have. 

Let's say you need to take it a step further. Maybe it is too hard to see those blessings in the darkness that surrounds you. My suggestion would be to carry a notebook with you. Every time something happens that makes you smile, write it down. Every time a good memory is triggered, write it down. Pay a bill in full or on time? Or both?? Write it down. These every day, run-of-the-mill events are little blessings. Little accomplishments. 

Put a smile on someone else's face today

Believe it when they say that bringing joy to another will increase your own happiness. Ever that warm feeling when you made someone else smile? I have. And I love it! It truly does lead to the spread of good will. They are more likely to make others happy in return. We have many sayings for this. Pay it forward and The Golden Rule (which actually originated in the Bible - Luke 6:31) being the top two. It is also the Ripple Effect. How one action can trigger ripples that follow. Good deeds from one will lead to many from others.

As a Christian, I attribute all these to God. I see every good thing as a blessing from him. How do you stay positive? I'd love to hear your ideas!  As we head towards a new year, maybe we need a little extra positive influence in our lives.

Building My Self Esteem With Help From Pinterest

“Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”
~ T. Harv Eker

Part of getting in shape and moving forward means feeling good with how I am looking, every step of the way. I have spent the past couple years in jeans and T-shirts. Most of which are in shades of black or grey. I'm pretty tired of this. I want to look and feel amazing again. Now, normally, I'm not much for style. In my early college years, I was more of a business goth. Hard for some people to see on me now, but that was my comfort zone. I wore corset tops, lots of black, and knee-high boots with skirts. I felt like I looked HOT. Whether that was in my head.... eh ~shoulder shrug~ who can tell? 

While I'm not wanting to go back to that style (at least not completely), I want that feeling I had back then. About how I looked, THAT is what I want to get back to. 

Self Esteem

Self esteem is fluid. At least for some of us. I believe that some people are born confident. They hold on to it throughout life, without wavering. But for a great deal of us, it comes and goes. Sometimes we are walking on cloud nine, thinking we can do anything. And other times, we are dragging around, hoping no one sees us the way we currently see ourselves. Maybe we just have fragile self esteem. Maybe it is easily knocked down a peg or two. Whatever the case, mine is like that. I felt amazing before I got pregnant with my last child. I was at a great weight. I was working out. I was working a paid job, not just being a Mom. I had clothes that fit and that I looked good in. 

Then pain and pregnancy happened...

And suddenly, I'm gaining weight. My back problems were flaring up. I was not working out anymore. I switched jobs and found out I was pregnant. Talk about life being thrown through a loop! I was riding the Crazy Train to Loopsy Town. While pregnant, I told myself it was all okay. After all, I had gained weight, sometimes lots of it, with all my pregnancies. Then after they were born, I dropped it within two years time, max. No way, did I think I wouldn't get back to those pre-pregnancy styles. I still have a box, that is slowly getting smaller, of the clothes I wore back then. And I still cling to the hope that one day I will fit them again. 

I jump back and forth in my feelings for how much I love or hate my body. Some days I just accept it for what it currently is. Other days I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and want to cry. I'm about 45 pounds over my ideal weight. I don't like looking in the closet. It reminds me that my style is bland. 

 

"Hmm, which T-shirt do I wear today?" 

Seriously?! I no longer have to pick between a corset or a blouse. A skirt or jeans. Boots or heels. Nope. My biggest decision is which shirt should I wear? Is it a cooler day? Kikkoman promo shirt will work. Looking for a softer and sleepable shirt, then pick the eBay 25th anniversary tee. I hear comedians talking about women taking forever to get ready and think, "Not me". Two minutes and I'm dressed to go. Make up is a rare treat. I dread putting it on. Unless it is date night or I know I'm taking special photos that will include my face, I don't wanna! After all, who do I have to impress? I only have 2 pairs of jeans and those are only for when I know I'm leaving the house or someone is coming over.

However, there are certain tops I don't mind having, even if they are T-shirts. I just need to get the feminine shaped ones. Like the one below... Then at least I can be reminded of the curves I still have.

Fighting to feel better

Truth is, I have decided that I am ready to branch out. I'm working out more steadily. Walking more, eating less, eating healthier. I'm giving it more effort. It will take me a while. I still have some serious pain days and my body still seems to be trying to kill me. But I have decided I can't live like this any more. I've asked my husband to keep me accountable. And through it all, I'm going to start trying to look better as well. 

Taking Steps Toward Looking My Best

• I make a point to brush my hair. I can't stand messy hair. I get on to my daughter often about her hair. But some mornings I'm in a rush to get the kids up and ready for school, so I just throw my hair in a bun. Voila! Hair is done. I forget about it for the rest of the day. Not anymore. I try to slow down just enough to brush through it before moving on.  
• I wear jewelry when we are leaving the house. Nothing too fancy. But by adding a bracelet or a necklace, at least, I feel like I have taken just a little more effort and I feel better about myself. 
• And now for the best part - I have created a Pinterest board just for My New Style. I go through photos and try to decide how I want to look now. Now, and later, as I want to have a progressive style. As I lose those pounds, I will transition. I know it will be slow. I also know I don't have the funds to get the types of clothes I'm looking at, but it is a start in the right direction. When I'm able to, I will at least know what kinds of clothing I am looking for. As the saying goes, "Knowing is half the battle."

I also save screenshots or cut out styles I like. Screenshots like this one are put into a folder on the laptop for future use.

I have a notebook that I paste pictures I've cut out into. Yeah, yeah. Totally old school on that front. But don't knock the technique that works for me! It helps to reinforce the goals I have. The clothes I want to fit into or get to feel better about how I look. Each step will bring me closer to regaining that self esteem.

What about you? How do you decide your style preferences? Do you read magazines? Watch TV shows? Window shop? What inspires you?? Leave me a comment below and give me some ideas! Love to hear back from you all.

Bucket List - Dreaming Time Away

During the quarantine around the world, I have had so many moments of saying "One day" and "Eventually" that I feel I could fill an entire book. Sometimes I feel as though I'm unlikely to ever accomplish even a fraction of them. However, the dreamer in me has started my own version of an Adventure Book.I have made a list of all the places I want to go and see, things I want to do! For now, they are just dreams. And there are days when I think to myself, Just like many dreams before - these will go nowhere. But like Ellie, I have also started adding the things we DO accomplish. They aren't daring adventures. They aren't exotic vacations, but these little moments that are so amazing, or just plain funny - I capture them. I'll keep adding. I'll keep dreaming. I won't hold my breath - but hey, who knows, right?? So below, is my Bucket List. Leave me a comment about what you would add or something in common! 

Memorize 5 Bible verses a month

Trip to Japan: Stay in a traditional hotel, buy a traditional kimono,
Universal Studios Super Nintendo World theme park

Trip to Ireland: See a castle and a real pub

Scuba diving

Trip to Italy - Venice!

Ride in a helicopter 

Have at least one wall-to-wall bookshelf filled with books

Take a cruise (Disney Wish)

See the Great Wall in China

Visit Israel (walk where Jesus walked) - Went in March 2022

Stay in the undersea Poseidon Resort

Complete my ASL Interpreter degree

Own a home - Bought in July 2022

Create The Zombie Experience or The Ultimate Nerf Experience

Visit the Grand Canyon

Visit Las Vegas: Cirque Du Soleil, Blue Man Group, Jabbawokeez

Visit Colorado: Cliff Dwellings, Garden of the Gods, Casa Bonita 

Go Indoor Skydiving

Trip to Hawaii

Visit the Star Wars Galaxy's Edge at Disney Florida and make a lightsaber

Build a snowman and have a snowball fight - January 2021 Snow in Waco!

Visit New York (just the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero and maybe Times Square)

Meet Sir Patrick Stewart

Get a mani/pedi - or just have a spa day...

Pay for a meal entirely with coins (wouldn't they love that with the coin shortage!)

Get a couples massage with my husband

Go to dinner at Medieval Times

Go to another comic con (went to some in San Antonio) 

My cosplay as Sweet Pea from Suckerpunch

Take a trip around Europe to see WW2 sites

Finish creating my dream Steampunk cosplay

My 2 cuff bracelets

Have date night once a month to reconnect with my husband

Watch a sunset over the mountains with my love

Visit Unclaimed Baggage in Alabama

Publish at least one book

Sell at least 10 copies of any book I've published

Lose weight and maintain a 145 lb average

Waiting is the Hardest Game

Hey guys! I haven't been writing much. Too much going on, and can I be frank for a moment? I've been working through so much in my life these days. It's a new year, so new me, right? Except, the new me thing isn't what I hoped for. This year started off great, and don't get me wrong, is still going great! But I'm struggling with some heavy personal changes. For starters, who I am. I'd love to say that I'm still the sexy, biker chic who knows what she wants from life that I was 14 years ago. But I'm not. Nor will I ever be again. Heck, even the me of 2016 isn't here anymore! My life has changed so drastically and quickly that sometimes I don't know who I am outside of Mom and Wife. Those zones are totally outlined. No questions there. But who am I when I'm alone? Better yet, who do I want to be? Hmm, now there is the enigma. 

Who am I? 

First and foremost, I'm a Christian. A follower of Christ. And I try to be the best in that area as I can be. And let me tell you something... God is truly testing my patience. Okay, not testing it. He is working on it to make it stronger. How? Through my medical condition. Want to know if you have the "patience of a saint"? I wish I'd never been described as having that... Have your health fail on you. Long term. You will meet a whole new you. A side of you that cries yourself to sleep. A side of you that hates looking in the mirror. A side of you that feels lost. A side of you that can't stand being around other people no matter how much your heart loves them. Oh yeah, that side is there. You just can't see it until something forces it out in the open. And it is ugly.

Well, God decided my patience needed some more work. Let me back up a second here though, I'm moving ahead of the context. I'm in pain. All day, every day. For most days, I can get by. I smile, I laugh, I talk. The only person in my life who sees me cringe is my husband. He sees me when I'm trying not to pass out. He sees me when I grab my side or back and wince. When my migraines strike, more than once a week. He's the only person I can't, and really don't want to, hide from. Hard enough hiding from everyone else. Even my kids rarely see my struggle. And I do everything I can to keep it that way. For as long as I can. Lately, I've been avoiding going to the doctor. After all, the last time I went I was told that I would not get better. That surgery wasn't an option. That I needed to "learn to live with the pain". After that, I became legally disabled. And my husband permanently took away my car keys. I will not be allowed to drive. Ever. At 32, that is not what you want to hear. Not when you are insanely independent. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. Shut in my home. May as well have bars on the windows and doors. So you can imagine my frustration at finding that feeling of something being terribly wrong hitting my gut. Somehow, I just know something isn't right. 

Sickness that just won't go away.

We started the year with a visit to the ER for a severe migraine. There was the flu. A sinus infection. Some allergies. More sinus infection. I haven't been 100% for the entirety of this new year. So I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that the doctor diagnosed me with bronchitis today. Yep. Inflamed lungs. She said it usually fully recovers in about 3 months, providing I don't get sick again. Yay me. The reason I made the appointment was to diagnose rib pain. A fizzy feeling in the left lung when I breathe in and severe pressure in the right ribs, usually when I'm sitting. Sometimes a stabbing feeling. And she finds bronchitis right off. That was just the x-ray. She's running a liver enzymes test and I have to go for scans to see if my gall bladder is to blame. If there is a malfunction there. But those scans aren't happening until the end of this month, so.... waiting game anyone? Shall we take bets on what body part will fail me next? (My husband hates that joke.) I didn't even get to ask her what is causing the daily headaches-migraines. That will have to wait until my next appointment. 

In the meantime...

She also says other things have to change. I have to take a high dose Prilosec daily while changing my diet. No more tomato sauces. No more fatty foods. No more fried foods. There goes my homemade pizza. Burgers are out. Mmm, hash browns on breakfast night! Spaghetti and meatballs has been banned to me as well as meatball subs. Egg rolls on Chinese night. Just a few of my favorite things that I will no longer be eating. I take this as a sign from God that I wasn't losing those extra pounds fast enough. He's thrown me a way to do that. A way that I can't talk myself out of anymore. 

So how do I wait?

Not easily. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41) One of my favorite verses to go to is:
Psalms 27:14 - Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Waiting is not easy. It is hard. The hardest. I know I'm not the only one feeling that way. Someone I love dearly is waiting for an important test result that will determine... well, life or death. And to think that they have had a longer wait than I do. So, I wait. I have kids to tend to. A husband to love. Some editing work to complete. And I need to figure out the new me. Who am I? What more do I want from this life? And how do I accomplish it? These questions used to be so easy to answer. Now, they need time. Patience. Prayer.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Ever heard the saying, "When life gives you lemons..."? Ever feel like life has thrown you too many lemons? I know I have. Which is why I laugh when I hear that saying. It reminds me of a video game. Portal 2. 

I would love to throw the lemons back at life. The combustible lemons! I'd love to ask life who they think they are. But as a Christian, I know that life's manager is someone we don't want to tempt. God. God gives us those lemons to strengthen and test our faith.

Faith is a tricky subject. Most people think it has only to do with religion. The definition on Dictionary.com would, however, greatly disagree. The very first listing is: 

Confidence or trust in a person or thing. 

I have every bit as much confidence that God is in control as anyone would have that the sofa will be a seat they can plant their rear ends on without fail. However, that doesn't mean that my faith never wavers. On the contrary. It wavers often. I'd say that a person not believing in God would have stronger faith than I do as a Christian sometimes. I question God. I ask 'Why'? And very often I get frustrated when I don't feel my prayers are answered the way I wanted them to be. With all that, I still believe. I still hold to my faith. That God is in control. That things will work out. That this all serves a greater purpose. I just can't see it yet. 

Wavering doesn't equal weakness.

We all have moments when we feel as though our faith isn't strong enough. That doesn't mean that it is weak, however. We are human. Questioning things is natural to us. I can't tell you how often I have wondered about my life and where things were going. That doesn't mean I'm weak in my beliefs. I just need to reaffirm them. No better way to do that than to read God's word or pray. Someone recently asked me how I do it. How I keep going day after day with what I deal with. Prayer. My number 1 go-to. But here is something I think we need to be reminded of when it comes to prayer. Okay a couple things actually. First off - be thankful. I know, I know. Hard to do when your body is wracked with pain and you just want to cry and give up on life. But there is always at least one thing to be thankful for. So before anything else, say thanks. Then you have to remember, God doesn't always answer right away. Or even when He does answer, it is not always how we hoped.

I'm being reminded of this heavily. I recently found out that my condition has not only worsened, but there is no more hope of doctors being able to put me back together. My spine is going to fall apart piece by piece and there is nothing that anyone can do for it. I have to "learn to live with it" until there is "no other choice" but to cut me open and start removing the broken bits. Not a pretty bunch of words to say the least. Do you know how hard it is to hear those words and to wait until the doctor walks out before letting the tears go? How much I struggle with it when I think of all I won't be able to do with my kids? Talk about my faith wavering often these days...

Faith can't stand alone.

Faith in some things - like healing and answers - requires patience. My husband loves to remind me that my suffering works on my patience. For starters, I'm not a very nice person when my pain goes above a level 7. I'm irritable. I get snippy with everyone. My fuse is incredibly reduced. I've been embarrassed to go around family when I hurt because I have a hard time reigning in my darkened mood. My in laws are quite adept at knowing when I'm in pain, even when I smile and try to act like nothing is wrong. This increases my discomfort. After all, who wants to be the broken one at a family gathering? I recently told my husband that it is like PMS-ing 24/7 when my pain won't end. So, faith needs patience. And lots of it!

Faith needs strength.

If faith isn't strong, it fails. But to be built up, it needs a workout. Like my flabby belly, it has to be exercised. This one is something I have to be reminded of. Every time I feel like things are going awry, I have to take a step back and give it over to God. I have to stop trying to fix everything in my own ways. Admitting I am not strong enough for something is not easy. No one wants to admits they have faults. Or are lacking in any way. Yet, we all are. 

Faith needs backup. 

People who can remind you of the things I mentioned above are priceless when you are falling. I have two women in my life who message me often. Who tell me to keep up the good fight. To not let darkness take control. To give everything, in prayer, to God. They are there when I need them most. Never wavering. They have their own struggles and pain to deal with, but they don't let me slip in mine. When I grow up, I want to be just like them. When I have lost my mobility and am wheelchair bound, I want to be able to encourage others as they do for me. I want their kind of faith. Beyond the bitter end. 

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

First the Test, Then the Lesson

Life is all about learning. However, have you ever noticed that the test usually comes first and then you learn a lesson? Think about it. Stuff happens and then you learn from it. What about this other saying, "You learn something new everyday"? I'm pretty much convinced that is the truth no matter who you are. And boy, am I learning. 

Scoliosis is Not Easy

My biggest learning curve right now would be how scoliosis is still affecting parts of my life. For anyone who doesn't know me, I have had spinal fusion surgeries to "fix" the curve. However, the fusions have caused other issues. The doctor I saw most recently said it best, "You cannot gain something without giving something up." The fusion corrected a wayward spine, but it took away flexibility. And though I might not feel as changed on a daily basis (despite the problems that are manifesting now), my body isn't done transitioning. The night before last also taught me that I'm not as tough as I thought. I haven't cried so hard in a long while. How can this mother of 4 be brought to her knees so thoroughly? How about when your ribs don't flex as you breathe and you feel like you are being stabbed in the lungs. 

I had just sat down with pen and paper to write encouraging letters to my sons in time for their STAAR test. Their teachers had emailed that this is how they wanted to build our kids up and give them confidence for this great undertaking. So of course I want to do it! Out of nowhere, I gripped my mid-upper abdomen. It started as a shooting pain, so I started breathing shallow to keep from pressing too hard. Just under the cartilage, or bones, of my rib cage in the front is where it was. I tried standing up. As we sit, everything gets squished together. Sometimes standing elongates everything and I feel like I can breathe again. You see, pains like this aren't new to me. But normally they only last about a minute or two. I stretch. They go away. This time was not going to be so easy. Every time I inhaled, it was like someone slid a knife in my lung. I tried massaging the area and pressing where it hurt. I also tried stretching my arm. It kept getting worse. Every breath, no matter how light, was killing me. I stumbled to my bathroom to get my last muscle relaxer. I had been prescribed some the last time I had a "muscle spasm". It was very similar to what I was going through this time around, except that this time I could move my arm without pain. Last time, I was unable to move anything waist up on that side without feeling like I was being tortured. I texted and called a nurse friend of mine. It hurt to talk, to breathe, to just ask her opinion. Knowing my history as she does, her first worrisome thought was that a lung had collapsed. And let's face it, as much as I was struggling and hurting, I freaked out. 

Don't Fear Having Weaknesses

I hung up with her and laid on the floor. In my head, I kept praying for relief while hoping that it wasn't a collapsed lung. I didn't realize it, but I was crying and gasping for air so loudly, that my oldest son came to check on me when he woke up to use the bathroom. He was asking if I was okay and if I need him to wake Daddy (who was sleeping for work). I was torn. On the one hand, I did want my husband to come and at least sit with me. But he had to work that night. So he needed to sleep. When I could not take it alone anymore (especially with my toddler throwing her toys on my chest to "help" me), I nodded my head and my son ran to wake my husband. All he could do was stroke my face and tell me to breathe. And that was enough. I laid there crying and clutching where it hurt. After a while, the pain ebbed enough to let me relax. I still had spasms, but they were fewer and farther between. For safe measure, he ended up calling in that night.

We decided to wait until morning to get me checked out. Unless the pain kicked in again. I stayed restful for the night and we went to the clinic in the morning. After 3 tests, the doctor concluded that some of my ribs are not moving. And by staying rigid, it confines my lungs. The muscles then react at times by stiffening up. Which causes the spasms. Which then trigger the stabbing pains. Suddenly, other things made sense. Like why I feel like I'm not getting enough air all the time. Why I feel as though my chest is constricted. Why I am always trying to stretch my torso. It is because I really can't breathe deeply anymore. 

I felt quite pathetic. After all, I have a husband and 4 kids who are relying on me. I don't have time to deal with such restrictions. Even as I type this out, I'm trying to breathe and feeling like there isn't enough air in here. 

Acceptance is Key

The ultimate lesson I've learned? Acceptance. Accepting that this is what my body is. This is what I'm confined to. And I have to live with it until my new doctors can find a way to fix it. I pray daily for the strength to battle the pains. And now for the strength draw breath. It isn't easy. And I feel pathetic more often than I care to admit, but I know I have to accept what has been dealt and work with it. I have to keep praying and holding on to hope that one day this will all get better. Ultimately, I don't know what God has planned. I just have to trust that it is for the best. And hopefully that it will help someone else who may have the same type of problems to understand their condition a little better.

A Move Most Successful

What a weekend last weekend was! Hard to believe a week has passed already. My Dad and brothers flew out to help load and unload the moving truck on Friday. We made the long drive to our new home where my Mother and sister-in-law were waiting. Of course, on the days we chose to move, the temperatures dropped to lower 40's. We also had nearly non-stop ice pellets (sleet) to deal with.

Loading and unloading the truck was very trying. I overdid it throughout the day, so I struggled keeping up and my pain lasted for several days afterwards. But the guys persevered and did a fantastic job. On Saturday, my Mother and sister-in-law came by as well as my husbands grandparents. They did so much, helping us unpack and arrange the furniture. We could actually walk around and find things!

While we are not 100% settled just yet, I'm absolutely thrilled. My kitchen is just as I've wanted it. My oldest son even helped me set up the pantry so nicely. He said he was making it just "like a store".

 The rest of my kitchen is Star Wars themed.

From the towels to the X-Wing knife set, and even the salt and pepper shakers, we are decked to rock the nerds we are! Don't worry, my husband will have the Star Trek office to show off his own space love.

And we love meal time even more. The food isn't the only thing that excites the kids at the table these days. They now get to pick their character! We have also begun a new dinner tradition. We play trivia. I ask questions and the one to answer correctly gets a sweet treat. They love playing and I love teaching them through it.

The kids have more space in their bedrooms.

Which is great, because the toddler needs to move in with her sister and out of my room.

When we get some shelves and a DVD case, I can finally finish unpacking that part of our house. Being OCD about being neat and orderly has me "twitching" according to my husband. 

We also get to live near the SpaceX testing center. We hear the rockets rumbling quite frequently. I hope that my husband can one day go to work for them. We are in a happy place. Sunday lunch with family, better schools and hope for our future! 2019 is looking great!