Feeling Blue, and it is Only Week 2...

We have been working out (consistently) daily for a week and a half now. About 10-15 minutes of the Just Dance 'Sweat' function, followed by 3-4 exercises from this list that I took from my insanely athletic sister-in-law. In addition, I do extra squats when I'm brushing my teeth, jumping jacks while doing the mouthwash rinse, and situps in bed before I sleep. I. Am. Motivated!

However, in just that first weeks time, I was both overjoyed and depressed all at once. How is that even possible?! 

I CAN do this! 

I am pumped to have a goal. I plan to lose 45 pounds by November. In November, we are taking an international trip. My first time leaving the United States! I'm way past excited. So I want to look my best. Additionally, we are going somewhere that will require about 9 miles worth of walking per day for the 2 weeks we are there. So I need to be in shape for this! No slowing down, no heavy breathing, no sore legs. I'm done with being overweight. Of worrying that I'm due for a heart attack at any time. My husband is right there with me. My home cooking has added some weight to him as well. And diabetes is a real concern for him. 

With all this, however, I knew that soreness would be a part of the equation. I knew that with my broken back, I would have to suffer a little more than normal people would. After all, the saying is, "No pain, no gain". Alright. I accept that. Heating pad, Excedrin, and Ibuprofen are on hand! What I didn't plan for was how much pain. The first 3 days were so hard! I had jelly legs, for starters. Those thighs of mine were so sore! But then the skin on my arm started with the burning sensation from the nerve damage in my back. Every time something touched me there, I felt like I was being burned. I also made a mistake in doing 50 situps on the floor of our living room. I have been doing them in bed for a long time now. But I figured I needed to step it up a notch. Big mistake. I have just barely gotten over the bruised lower back. Even laying back in bed caused pain. My husband says we need to invest in an exercise mat for me to use. On top of all that, for those first 3 days, I lost feeling in my lower arms and hands that still isn't fully back. Cut myself on the finger towards the end of week one, actually, and I can't for the life of me tell you how or when. Then my toes went numb. Again, the darn nerve damage was flaring. When I went to bed, the pain was so bad I had to try hard not to cry out. I lay completely still, thinking for sure that the nerve was officially calling it quits and that I was about to learn what it will be like when I finally lose my legs. 

But I refuse to quit!

Through all this, I refuse to give up. I can't quit. I won't! I will see this through. No matter what. Doesn't mean I won't cry from time to time when no one is looking. Doesn't mean I also won't be jealous of my sister-in-law from time to time. That woman gets up at 4:45 AM, works out, goes to work, comes home and does wife/mom stuff, works out and THEN goes to bed. She looks like a million bucks and acts like it isn't no big thing. She can already dead lift her own body weight! And I thought of myself as Wonder Em.... 

Then came the dreaded shopping trip. My in laws gave my husband and I each a gift card to Khols for Christmas. I'm not much for Khols, but I figured I should be able to at least find a new shirt. Or get super lucky and find jeans. No such luck. First of all, their shelves and floor space was more bare than I have EVER seen it. That was problem numero uno. Then comes the fact that my style isn't things that are trending. Or, I suppose, common? I could not find a single thing for myself. We ended up buying 2 shirts and a pair of jeans for my husband. I told him he can take my gift card and we will go back again and hope they have new stock for him to choose from. It sucked so bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the gift cards. My husband needed those clothes. Most of his shirts are so old they are either threadbare or  several have holes where they catch on his belt or near the tag. But they are comfy and he's a guy - so he doesn't really care. But they bug me! I just let myself hope that I would find something else so that I wasn't still wearing jeans and a T-shirt all the time. You know those memes of what people look like after the quarantine?  I feel like they may as well use my photo for them. I rarely wear anything but my pajama pants and a tee. 

Done with the comparisons...

I wanted to quit. The pain and disappointment was just so strong. What is the point? Why bother? I'm not the me I want to be. But that is the answer, isn't it? I'm not who I WANT to be. That is why I'm doing this. Why I'm fighting so hard. I want to be different. Better. I want to travel the world. I want to have better endurance. No matter the pain that comes with it. To get there, I have to push harder. I have to keep moving forward. Even if I have to crawl through some days. I have to believe that I can do this. That means I need a whole lot more prayer! And coffee.... I used to hate it. Hated the smell of it. The bitterness of it. And now I'm drinking it. Iced coffee. Sweetened coffee. My Dad would be proud, I think. It gives me a short-lived jolt that energy drinks can't match. Without the jitters! I digress. But I'm also not going to allow myself to start up the comparisons. My sister-in-law is great. But she isn't the kind of woman I want to be. I don't want to lift my own weight. I don't want to wear athletic clothes all the time. And I don't want my husband to look like Conan the Barbarian without hair. I have a different vision for the perfect me.

So here goes. Pushing myself through this second week. The numbness is still giving me trouble. My skin still burns on some days. But! I'm giving it my best effort! And begging for the strength of God to keep at it. 2021, you better be ready!