Feeling Blue, and it is Only Week 2...

We have been working out (consistently) daily for a week and a half now. About 10-15 minutes of the Just Dance 'Sweat' function, followed by 3-4 exercises from this list that I took from my insanely athletic sister-in-law. In addition, I do extra squats when I'm brushing my teeth, jumping jacks while doing the mouthwash rinse, and situps in bed before I sleep. I. Am. Motivated!

However, in just that first weeks time, I was both overjoyed and depressed all at once. How is that even possible?! 

I CAN do this! 

I am pumped to have a goal. I plan to lose 45 pounds by November. In November, we are taking an international trip. My first time leaving the United States! I'm way past excited. So I want to look my best. Additionally, we are going somewhere that will require about 9 miles worth of walking per day for the 2 weeks we are there. So I need to be in shape for this! No slowing down, no heavy breathing, no sore legs. I'm done with being overweight. Of worrying that I'm due for a heart attack at any time. My husband is right there with me. My home cooking has added some weight to him as well. And diabetes is a real concern for him. 

With all this, however, I knew that soreness would be a part of the equation. I knew that with my broken back, I would have to suffer a little more than normal people would. After all, the saying is, "No pain, no gain". Alright. I accept that. Heating pad, Excedrin, and Ibuprofen are on hand! What I didn't plan for was how much pain. The first 3 days were so hard! I had jelly legs, for starters. Those thighs of mine were so sore! But then the skin on my arm started with the burning sensation from the nerve damage in my back. Every time something touched me there, I felt like I was being burned. I also made a mistake in doing 50 situps on the floor of our living room. I have been doing them in bed for a long time now. But I figured I needed to step it up a notch. Big mistake. I have just barely gotten over the bruised lower back. Even laying back in bed caused pain. My husband says we need to invest in an exercise mat for me to use. On top of all that, for those first 3 days, I lost feeling in my lower arms and hands that still isn't fully back. Cut myself on the finger towards the end of week one, actually, and I can't for the life of me tell you how or when. Then my toes went numb. Again, the darn nerve damage was flaring. When I went to bed, the pain was so bad I had to try hard not to cry out. I lay completely still, thinking for sure that the nerve was officially calling it quits and that I was about to learn what it will be like when I finally lose my legs. 

But I refuse to quit!

Through all this, I refuse to give up. I can't quit. I won't! I will see this through. No matter what. Doesn't mean I won't cry from time to time when no one is looking. Doesn't mean I also won't be jealous of my sister-in-law from time to time. That woman gets up at 4:45 AM, works out, goes to work, comes home and does wife/mom stuff, works out and THEN goes to bed. She looks like a million bucks and acts like it isn't no big thing. She can already dead lift her own body weight! And I thought of myself as Wonder Em.... 

Then came the dreaded shopping trip. My in laws gave my husband and I each a gift card to Khols for Christmas. I'm not much for Khols, but I figured I should be able to at least find a new shirt. Or get super lucky and find jeans. No such luck. First of all, their shelves and floor space was more bare than I have EVER seen it. That was problem numero uno. Then comes the fact that my style isn't things that are trending. Or, I suppose, common? I could not find a single thing for myself. We ended up buying 2 shirts and a pair of jeans for my husband. I told him he can take my gift card and we will go back again and hope they have new stock for him to choose from. It sucked so bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the gift cards. My husband needed those clothes. Most of his shirts are so old they are either threadbare or  several have holes where they catch on his belt or near the tag. But they are comfy and he's a guy - so he doesn't really care. But they bug me! I just let myself hope that I would find something else so that I wasn't still wearing jeans and a T-shirt all the time. You know those memes of what people look like after the quarantine?  I feel like they may as well use my photo for them. I rarely wear anything but my pajama pants and a tee. 

Done with the comparisons...

I wanted to quit. The pain and disappointment was just so strong. What is the point? Why bother? I'm not the me I want to be. But that is the answer, isn't it? I'm not who I WANT to be. That is why I'm doing this. Why I'm fighting so hard. I want to be different. Better. I want to travel the world. I want to have better endurance. No matter the pain that comes with it. To get there, I have to push harder. I have to keep moving forward. Even if I have to crawl through some days. I have to believe that I can do this. That means I need a whole lot more prayer! And coffee.... I used to hate it. Hated the smell of it. The bitterness of it. And now I'm drinking it. Iced coffee. Sweetened coffee. My Dad would be proud, I think. It gives me a short-lived jolt that energy drinks can't match. Without the jitters! I digress. But I'm also not going to allow myself to start up the comparisons. My sister-in-law is great. But she isn't the kind of woman I want to be. I don't want to lift my own weight. I don't want to wear athletic clothes all the time. And I don't want my husband to look like Conan the Barbarian without hair. I have a different vision for the perfect me.

So here goes. Pushing myself through this second week. The numbness is still giving me trouble. My skin still burns on some days. But! I'm giving it my best effort! And begging for the strength of God to keep at it. 2021, you better be ready!

Working Out in 2021 - With Zyia!

 My husband and I have agreed that in 2021, we are working out more. No excuses. No more putting it off. Together, we will push and keep to our goal. For me, personally, 40 pounds is the minimum I plan on losing next year. I know it is possible and I'm not giving up this time!

(We might not have a lot of space, but we make it work for our needs.)

And to get me started, my sister-in-law gave me a serious piece of athletic wear. She has been a rep for Zyia for a while now. She lives and breathes her belief in their products. I've been a part of her Facebook Group and watching how it works. Zyia releases products, but once they sell out, you have to wait for another release or they might just sell out for good. Her What is Zyia post sums up all you need to know to get started:

"Zyia is a quality active wear brand that can be dressed up or down and be worn in many ways! Items are sold directly off my website that I post all the time! They ship directly to you in about a week or less via USPS! Items are limited, so if you like it, order it now! Some items restock and some don’t! It says on the bottom right corner of each photo on the website if it is restocking or not! Items are newly released each Wednesday! They are posted about 11am and posted on the front page under new and favorites!"

I'm not one for athletic wear...

But I admit, her enthusiasm is contagious. This lady wears their products ALL THE TIME. She reviews them, she updates her followers on their new releases, and loves to talk about staying fit. At first, I only joined to show support for her as my sister-in-law. However, as time went by, I started to find I had more interest in what everything was. Normally, I'm a pajama pants and tee shirt girl. Buuuuut... I want to be more motivated this year. I've been working on changing up the closet. My husband likes to laugh at women who wear yoga pants all day, every day. Even when you know they aren't working out. And I tend to agree. Most of them look like they are trying too hard. I didn't want to be one of those.

HOWEVER, have you worn yoga pants?? Those things are so comfortable! Even Tim Hawkins created a song for them.

So, here's my thoughts. 

These clothes need to satisfy certain needs.

Athletic clothing needs to do something for me. Something meaningful. Something practical. Otherwise, I don't see them as a needful item, taking up space in my closet. I'm not a fitness nut. I'm a Nerd. As my blog name implies. I'm not getting fit so that I can take this blog into a new direction or to impress my audience. No. I'm doing this so that I look better in those cosplay outfits and so that I'm healthier throughout this new year.

So what do I need from athletic clothing? They need to be comfortable. I have a broken back. Literally. Jeans are excruciating for me. But I wear them when I know I will be around other people for two reasons. I do so to show that I am putting in an effort to look presentable and because I want to look good. Pajama pants aren't flattering, after all. I can't wear a sports bra. Not if I want to keep any feeling in my hands and arms. So that is one thing I won't have in my collection, but a comfortable, breathable tank top to work out in, will be. 

They need to make me feel beautiful. Hear me out on this! If I wear a shirt that makes me feel sexy, I will feel confident. And if I'm feeling confident, I'm less likely to quit and grab that chocolate bar. I'm more likely to put the hard effort in. So that I will look even sexier in this shirt. 

Love at first feel.

I currently only own the one tank top from Zyia. But it is enough to understand why my sister-in-law is in love with them. It hugs me where I want to be hugged, and hangs where I want to be loose. I'm a curvy woman, but not all my curves are where I want them to be. I might joke about having handles for my husband to hold in the bedroom, but I don't want to show them off to the outside world. This is called the Black Havana Tank.

It is so soft! I love clothing that is soft enough to wear in bed, yet is meant to be worn for anything but! The material is light, breathable and moves easily. Yet, it is also sturdy. I love the stripes! I'm able to layer it and add color. Technically, you should layeDr it with a sports bra, but as I've mentioned before that is a negative for this woman. Made from a mix of polyester and spandex to give it stretch and smooth feeling. I love it!

Getting your own.

Amanda is the rep you need to go through. She knows the products, and loves to share the joy. Her link to shop is right HERE. If she doesn't know the answer, she will find out for you. Not sure how something will look? No only does she show off the styles on herself, but she finds photos of women, men and children to share. One thing I appreciate about this, is the variety in women's sizing photos. Like I mentioned Dobefore, I'm a curvy size 12. I got a belly and wider hips. And plenty of booty in the trunk. I hate buying online for the simple fact that what looks good on the blonde bimbo models, most likely won't look remotely attractive on me. So seeing other women of larger sizes, with their weight distributed less in the chest and more in the love handles, puts me more at ease when buying without trying.

Do leave me a comment below and let me know your thoughts!