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Monday, February 17, 2020

Waiting is the Hardest Game

Hey guys! I haven't been writing much. Too much going on, and can I be frank for a moment? I've been working through so much in my life these days. It's a new year, so new me, right? Except, the new me thing isn't what I hoped for. This year started off great, and don't get me wrong, is still going great! But I'm struggling with some heavy personal changes. For starters, who I am. I'd love to say that I'm still the sexy, biker chic who knows what she wants from life that I was 14 years ago. But I'm not. Nor will I ever be again. Heck, even the me of 2016 isn't here anymore! My life has changed so drastically and quickly that sometimes I don't know who I am outside of Mom and Wife. Those zones are totally outlined. No questions there. But who am I when I'm alone? Better yet, who do I want to be? Hmm, now there is the enigma. 

Who am I? 

First and foremost, I'm a Christian. A follower of Christ. And I try to be the best in that area as I can be. And let me tell you something... God is truly testing my patience. Okay, not testing it. He is working on it to make it stronger. How? Through my medical condition. Want to know if you have the "patience of a saint"? I wish I'd never been described as having that... Have your health fail on you. Long term. You will meet a whole new you. A side of you that cries yourself to sleep. A side of you that hates looking in the mirror. A side of you that feels lost. A side of you that can't stand being around other people no matter how much your heart loves them. Oh yeah, that side is there. You just can't see it until something forces it out in the open. And it is ugly.
Well, God decided my patience needed some more work. Let me back up a second here though, I'm moving ahead of the context. I'm in pain. All day, every day. For most days, I can get by. I smile, I laugh, I talk. The only person in my life who sees me cringe is my husband. He sees me when I'm trying not to pass out. He sees me when I grab my side or back and wince. When my migraines strike, more than once a week. He's the only person I can't, and really don't want to, hide from. Hard enough hiding from everyone else. Even my kids rarely see my struggle. And I do everything I can to keep it that way. For as long as I can. Lately, I've been avoiding going to the doctor. After all, the last time I went I was told that I would not get better. That surgery wasn't an option. That I needed to "learn to live with the pain". After that, I became legally disabled. And my husband permanently took away my car keys. I will not be allowed to drive. Ever. At 32, that is not what you want to hear. Not when you are insanely independent. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. Shut in my home. May as well have bars on the windows and doors. So you can imagine my frustration at finding that feeling of something being terribly wrong hitting my gut. Somehow, I just know something isn't right. 

Sickness that just won't go away.

We started the year with a visit to the ER for a severe migraine. There was the flu. A sinus infection. Some allergies. More sinus infection. I haven't been 100% for the entirety of this new year. So I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that the doctor diagnosed me with bronchitis today. Yep. Inflamed lungs. She said it usually fully recovers in about 3 months, providing I don't get sick again. Yay me. The reason I made the appointment was to diagnose rib pain. A fizzy feeling in the left lung when I breathe in and severe pressure in the right ribs, usually when I'm sitting. Sometimes a stabbing feeling. And she finds bronchitis right off. That was just the x-ray. She's running a liver enzymes test and I have to go for scans to see if my gall bladder is to blame. If there is a malfunction there. But those scans aren't happening until the end of this month, so.... waiting game anyone? Shall we take bets on what body part will fail me next? (My husband hates that joke.) I didn't even get to ask her what is causing the daily headaches-migraines. That will have to wait until my next appointment. 

In the meantime...

She also says other things have to change. I have to take a high dose Prilosec daily while changing my diet. No more tomato sauces. No more fatty foods. No more fried foods. There goes my homemade pizza. Burgers are out. Mmm, hash browns on breakfast night! Spaghetti and meatballs has been banned to me as well as meatball subs. Egg rolls on Chinese night. Just a few of my favorite things that I will no longer be eating. I take this as a sign from God that I wasn't losing those extra pounds fast enough. He's thrown me a way to do that. A way that I can't talk myself out of anymore. 

So how do I wait?

Not easily. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41) One of my favorite verses to go to is:
- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Waiting is not easy. It is hard. The hardest. I know I'm not the only one feeling that way. Someone I love dearly is waiting for an important test result that will determine... well, life or death. And to think that they have had a longer wait than I do. So, I wait. I have kids to tend to. A husband to love. Some editing work to complete. And I need to figure out the new me. Who am I? What more do I want from this life? And how do I accomplish it? These questions used to be so easy to answer. Now, they need time. Patience. Prayer.

6 comments:

  1. I am a Christian too, I grew up in Sunday school and one of the important things I have learned is that Patience is a virtue. God allows us to struggle and give us challenges so that we can learn how to be stronger

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    1. Very true! My husband reminds me of this constantly. But it is easier said than done.

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  2. Migraines are no fun! Good luck with your diet changes and I hope you find relief.

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  3. Sounds like difficult times but know for sure they will pass. Also recently gave up milk and sugar - it was hard but has only done good.

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