A Reminder to be the Light

In one of our recent morning devotions, I read Ephesians 5:8 - For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light. My husband and I had just spoken of the dark thoughts that plagued our minds. The feelings of being alone, of being distanced from others we loved, of emotional divides. As Christians, especially in the current world pandemic and racism mindsets of today, we may find ourselves getting lost in the darkness. Hatred and anger are flowing freely. The verse that comes to mind most often is John 13:35 - By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. It is usually included with discussion of this verse: Matthew 24:12 - And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

Following your faith and beliefs is never easy. The world is so full of temptations that can be so alluring. The path that we should take is more difficult than the path we shouldn't. It is so much easier to give in to your anger, join the crowd and scream out all the injustices. Isn't it? It is so much easier to hold a grudge and stay angry. To convince yourself that the other side is responsible for your pain and therefore responsible for fixing the gap. So easy to convince yourself that you are in the right and standing righteous, no matter the subject. But are we really? Or are we hypocrites holding on to the  veil that shows us as "holier than thou".

I have been praying and trying so hard to be a light in the midst of the darkness. To show love to all I come in contact with. I want to be a light in everyone's life, especially right now. I can't do much. Or maybe I just don't know what to do. But I try. I have the desire for it. And yet, I have my dark moments. Moments when my cynical side comes looking for trouble.

In recent months, I have taken a good look at the people I thought I was close to. Turns out, I have 4 people I know I can tell anything to and genuinely be myself with. Everyone else, I have come to feel the need to walk on eggshells with. Not because I don't want to be open with them, but because I feel the need to keep the peace with them. For someone as social as I used to be, it has been difficult to adjust to. Nevertheless, an adjustment has to be made. A new mask has emerged. Flashbacks of painful moments come to mind when certain people are mentioned. Uncalled for as they are, I can't seem to fight them. Through it all, I have to keep reminding myself to be the light in their lives. Be encouraging. Be pleasant. Show them Christ's love. I remind myself of this verse in 1 Corinthians 3:18 - Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. I don't want to forget that we always feel we are wise in our own eyes. But that "wisdom" often comes with pride.

So here is my plea to you all. Can you join me in showing others love? Can you be genuine enough to be pleasant to even those that you don't feel comfortable with? Can you light up your bubble of the world? I believe we each have a 3 foot bubble - to keep people from getting into our personal space as well as to inhabit. Whoever comes closest to that 3 foot bubble, let us make an effort to be polite and courteous at all times. No matter their personal beliefs, their political views, their race or gender. Lets emulate the love of Jesus and by doing so, we will start seeing more glimmers of hope and love.

Let's Pass Time with a Time Capsule!

This time is unprecedented for all of us. Kids are pardoned from attending school after Spring Break. Social Distancing isn't just in person, but also for idiot drivers who think they have to maintain 2 car links distance and even social networking! All joking aside, we have never had to deal with such a thing as a pandemic and being forced to Shelter in Place indefinitely. For introverts, this is heavenly. For those of us who like people watching or are extroverts, this is torture. Or even for those of us who actually like being around extended family. So what can we do? How do we pass the time? How about memorializing this time in our lives for future reference? I'm being serious for once. My kids' teachers sent this project over and it has not only given them something fun to do together for a change, but they look forward to seeing how things change in the years to come.

Here is the link to print out the pages: 

https://s3.letsembark.ca/long-creations/2020-COVID-19-Time-Capsule-EN-US.pdf

You may have to copy and paste it into your browser. My children started theirs tonight. They are interviewing parents and siblings alike. Putting in things about themselves that they can look back on. All About Me, My Feelings, My Community, What I'm Doing to Keep Busy, everyone's handprints, Special Occasions and how/if they were celebrated, Letter to Myself, Interviews with Family and finally, a Letter From Your Household. They have asked me to write to them on this last one. I started the letter to my daughter tonight. I reminded her of the craziness and fun times. But most importantly, that we cannot be held my fear. God in control and is working all this for His good. We might not understand it, but we can't let ourselves stress over it. We can't let it anger us. Do you know how many angry people there are out there? Angry that they have to deal with other people. Especially people who aren't following the rules. Instead of responding with kindness and grace, most people during this time will lash out. Maybe not out loud, but in their heads. It really bugs me when I hear about instances like that. After all, we are all people. We are guilty of something or other every day. Not everyone sees this as such a big threat as everyone else. Here is a reminder: Not everyone who coughs or sneezes has the cootie. Ever think about that? Some of us are dying of allergies. And soon, the summer cold season will bloom. Just remember, this isn't forever. Eventually we will have to be a part of some group again. School. Work. Family get togethers. We might not like it, but we do it. Why? Because it is a part of life. Humans are social creatures. Mostly. Let's show a little kindness and yes, respect. And let us enjoy the time together at home as best we can in the meantime! 

What are we doing? 

 
We have been writing friends and family. My kids are practicing letter writing as well as being conversant with others. The old fashioned way! They write about the books we are reading online. About good things that happen to us. Spreading a little joy to others. I downloaded a free puzzle game to my laptop by Microsoft. The kids like working on it with me. We haven't found any good puzzles in the stores. They get wiped out almost as soon as they are stocked. The kids also take turns helping me with crossword puzzles. My oldest daughter especially loves those. Every once in a while I print coloring pages for them to do. Some of these, they are sending in their letters. Since I recently had surgery and am still recovering, they have been helpful with doing more chores around the house. Part of the incentive for them is the special things they can buy from Chore Store... and the other part is not having to get in trouble because they let Mom do everything herself.

 

They even surprised me by pulling out the Tinkering Labs kits and building new creations! If you need a refresher on what that is, check out my blog review. 

Bonus question! 

What do you plan on doing when all this craziness blows over?? 

Leave me a comment below! I genuinely want to know. 

My husband and I have a fun family vacation planned. Just us and the kids and at least a week away from home. Crazy, right? We have been stuck in our house for who knows how long with the kids. You would think we are ready for time away from them. But truth be told, this has been such an eye opener for us. And the things we want to do will be a blast for every one of us. So stay tuned in the months to come!

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Ever heard the saying, "When life gives you lemons..."? Ever feel like life has thrown you too many lemons? I know I have. Which is why I laugh when I hear that saying. It reminds me of a video game. Portal 2. 

I would love to throw the lemons back at life. The combustible lemons! I'd love to ask life who they think they are. But as a Christian, I know that life's manager is someone we don't want to tempt. God. God gives us those lemons to strengthen and test our faith.

Faith is a tricky subject. Most people think it has only to do with religion. The definition on Dictionary.com would, however, greatly disagree. The very first listing is: 

Confidence or trust in a person or thing. 

I have every bit as much confidence that God is in control as anyone would have that the sofa will be a seat they can plant their rear ends on without fail. However, that doesn't mean that my faith never wavers. On the contrary. It wavers often. I'd say that a person not believing in God would have stronger faith than I do as a Christian sometimes. I question God. I ask 'Why'? And very often I get frustrated when I don't feel my prayers are answered the way I wanted them to be. With all that, I still believe. I still hold to my faith. That God is in control. That things will work out. That this all serves a greater purpose. I just can't see it yet. 

Wavering doesn't equal weakness.

We all have moments when we feel as though our faith isn't strong enough. That doesn't mean that it is weak, however. We are human. Questioning things is natural to us. I can't tell you how often I have wondered about my life and where things were going. That doesn't mean I'm weak in my beliefs. I just need to reaffirm them. No better way to do that than to read God's word or pray. Someone recently asked me how I do it. How I keep going day after day with what I deal with. Prayer. My number 1 go-to. But here is something I think we need to be reminded of when it comes to prayer. Okay a couple things actually. First off - be thankful. I know, I know. Hard to do when your body is wracked with pain and you just want to cry and give up on life. But there is always at least one thing to be thankful for. So before anything else, say thanks. Then you have to remember, God doesn't always answer right away. Or even when He does answer, it is not always how we hoped.

I'm being reminded of this heavily. I recently found out that my condition has not only worsened, but there is no more hope of doctors being able to put me back together. My spine is going to fall apart piece by piece and there is nothing that anyone can do for it. I have to "learn to live with it" until there is "no other choice" but to cut me open and start removing the broken bits. Not a pretty bunch of words to say the least. Do you know how hard it is to hear those words and to wait until the doctor walks out before letting the tears go? How much I struggle with it when I think of all I won't be able to do with my kids? Talk about my faith wavering often these days...

Faith can't stand alone.

Faith in some things - like healing and answers - requires patience. My husband loves to remind me that my suffering works on my patience. For starters, I'm not a very nice person when my pain goes above a level 7. I'm irritable. I get snippy with everyone. My fuse is incredibly reduced. I've been embarrassed to go around family when I hurt because I have a hard time reigning in my darkened mood. My in laws are quite adept at knowing when I'm in pain, even when I smile and try to act like nothing is wrong. This increases my discomfort. After all, who wants to be the broken one at a family gathering? I recently told my husband that it is like PMS-ing 24/7 when my pain won't end. So, faith needs patience. And lots of it!

Faith needs strength.

If faith isn't strong, it fails. But to be built up, it needs a workout. Like my flabby belly, it has to be exercised. This one is something I have to be reminded of. Every time I feel like things are going awry, I have to take a step back and give it over to God. I have to stop trying to fix everything in my own ways. Admitting I am not strong enough for something is not easy. No one wants to admits they have faults. Or are lacking in any way. Yet, we all are. 

Faith needs backup. 

People who can remind you of the things I mentioned above are priceless when you are falling. I have two women in my life who message me often. Who tell me to keep up the good fight. To not let darkness take control. To give everything, in prayer, to God. They are there when I need them most. Never wavering. They have their own struggles and pain to deal with, but they don't let me slip in mine. When I grow up, I want to be just like them. When I have lost my mobility and am wheelchair bound, I want to be able to encourage others as they do for me. I want their kind of faith. Beyond the bitter end. 

Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 

A Move Most Successful

What a weekend last weekend was! Hard to believe a week has passed already. My Dad and brothers flew out to help load and unload the moving truck on Friday. We made the long drive to our new home where my Mother and sister-in-law were waiting. Of course, on the days we chose to move, the temperatures dropped to lower 40's. We also had nearly non-stop ice pellets (sleet) to deal with.

Loading and unloading the truck was very trying. I overdid it throughout the day, so I struggled keeping up and my pain lasted for several days afterwards. But the guys persevered and did a fantastic job. On Saturday, my Mother and sister-in-law came by as well as my husbands grandparents. They did so much, helping us unpack and arrange the furniture. We could actually walk around and find things!

While we are not 100% settled just yet, I'm absolutely thrilled. My kitchen is just as I've wanted it. My oldest son even helped me set up the pantry so nicely. He said he was making it just "like a store".

 The rest of my kitchen is Star Wars themed.

From the towels to the X-Wing knife set, and even the salt and pepper shakers, we are decked to rock the nerds we are! Don't worry, my husband will have the Star Trek office to show off his own space love.

And we love meal time even more. The food isn't the only thing that excites the kids at the table these days. They now get to pick their character! We have also begun a new dinner tradition. We play trivia. I ask questions and the one to answer correctly gets a sweet treat. They love playing and I love teaching them through it.

The kids have more space in their bedrooms.

Which is great, because the toddler needs to move in with her sister and out of my room.

When we get some shelves and a DVD case, I can finally finish unpacking that part of our house. Being OCD about being neat and orderly has me "twitching" according to my husband. 

We also get to live near the SpaceX testing center. We hear the rockets rumbling quite frequently. I hope that my husband can one day go to work for them. We are in a happy place. Sunday lunch with family, better schools and hope for our future! 2019 is looking great!

Moving Through the New Year!

So how is your 2019 coming along so far? Can you believe that we already completed a month in this new year? Wasn't last night when we celebrated New Year's Eve? *sighs* Time keeps getting faster. Or maybe I'm just slowing down... I did turn 31 last month, after all. Now, I'm also planning a birthday party for my younger son who is turning 9! He wants a Plants vs Zombies party.

Did you have a resolution? I didn't. I mean, let's face it, resolutions have high failure rates. I did have goals. Things I want to accomplish. And so far, several things are falling in to place to make those goals come to fruition. 

• Move 
• Be more organized
• Begin homeschooling again
• Get on a new program to get my back fixed
• Create my steampunk cosplay
• Try out Urban Exploration
• Start a garden

 My husband and I are moving next week to be closer to family. Next week! *insert happy dance here* This has been a dream long in the making. I started packing months ago. And now, I'm happy to report, we should have everything completely boxed by Thursday. I've been weeding out the junk we can live without and boxing up everything else. We found a beautiful little duplex with a fireplace, spacious closets EVERYWHERE and a carport. My husband will miss his garage space, but he will have an outdoor storage room instead to put all his tools in. We also had to give up a yard, but will be near two family members' homes that have large yards. Plus, there should be some parks close by. My dashing husband took my advice and got a suit for interviews use.

$20 at Goodwill led to impressing his new boss and landing the transfer he needed to get us up there. Plus, he hopes to start looking for a job in the engineer field, so he will need to have a suit for the interviews to come. Well worth the investment! The first dream is coming true!

I have also been planning to get more organized. The realization has come that as the kids have grown, so has my need to keep things in order. They all have needs and I have to adapt to those needs. So with this move, I am planning on ways to keep everything together in its proper place. No more random clutter and junk everywhere. I find that I stress out more when I look around and see things everywhere. I love being a minimalist. However, with kids, that isn't always possible. So I want to make everything more manageable. I've found ideas on Pinterest to keep me on track.

Homeschooling has been on my mind lately. The public school system is frightening to put it lightly. And if we are to be perfectly honest, all they are learning is how to take and pass a test. That is the main goal. But there is so much more that our children deserve. I want them to excel. I want them to grown mentally as well as physically. To surpass the limitations of mainstream society. I want them to know how to succeed in college and in life. So, with that dream, I am thinking that if it is possible I want to start teaching them at home. I've begun to research curriculum. I started a Pinterest board for that as well (love Pinterest!) that has all kinds of projects, helpful tips and websites I could use to get started with. My husband agreed that he would like this as well. We will teach more than just the required subjects. We will study life skills that have been lost in the recent generations. 

My greatest dream is to get my back fixed so that I can be healthy and vibrant again. In order to do this, we have to get me somewhere that has a spinal clinic included in the program that services poor people. Where we are now, I can't get help. They closed down the spine clinic right when I finally got my referral. 

My Mom sent me so many amazing things to help me create my ultimate steampunk cosplay.

This year, I'm finally going to complete it! I have a fully finished top hat and all the trimmings to turn my dress, skirt, shirts into my time traveling inspired outfit! Cannot wait!

Urban exploration is a bigger sensation than I ever thought below. And I think we have a good chance of seeing some great abandoned places where we are moving. It is like walking through history sometimes. From things as simple as a condemned house to an amphitheater. Or as grand as the abandoned Soviet hanger with shuttles still parked inside?! It is so exciting to me!

And finally, I want to start growing things. It will be a bit trying as we don't have a yard. So I'm looking at ideas to build a platform garden. Pinterest, again, came through for me on this one. 

2019 Is Here!

I'm so happy that 2018 has come to an end, but wow! It went by quicker than I thought. New Years Eve, we had a recap moment with my Mother and Sister-in-laws. Month by month, going through the things we remember happening. It truly brought back memories. Not many were good ones. Or at least those were harder to recall with so many shadows hanging over them. But in the end, we had hope. Hope that this year, 2019, will be filled with great strides towards our better future. 

And that is all we truly need. Hope. To re-spark those dreams. One day at a time. One step forward. 

This month begins those steps. This is the month I push myself to complete packing and that we begin looking at places to move to. It excites me so much to know that this month and next are all we have left in our current home. Then we move further north to be closer to family. Something I've been dreaming of for over half a year now!

Then comes March. A month when I finally find out if I will be approved for Disability. My health has been a sore spot for me. Literally. And emotionally. I hurt. A lot. I have a hard time sleeping. Hard time walking. Cooking and baking have lost that fun feeling I used to have. Now, they are just a necessity. Getting medical help hasn't been working out either. So after we move, I intend to apply at the local program there. 

And this is just the first three months! Oh imagine! There are 9 more months that follow with surprises awaiting. I can't wait!

Learning to Handle My Children's Bed Wetting

This past week has been... stressful to say the least. It is a wonder that my blood pressure stayed normal at my doctors appointments. There have been so many appointments. And then my older daughter caught strep. Again. We had an impromptu visit to the clinic on Sunday, with her missing school the next day.

Thus it began...

On Tuesday, we had an appointment with a psychologist as referred by my children's pediatrician. I confess, I was confounded by my boys' inability to master the bed-wetting issue. We had tried everything. Pullups, no juice or sweet drinks, nothing to drink after dinner (usually around 5PM) and even waking them up (if you can call it that) to go potty in the middle of the night. Nothing worked. They continued to sleep like the dead. And still wet themselves nightly. After seeking advice from the pediatrician, he told us it was high time we went to see the psychologist. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time I did not want to give up all hope.

A doctor I can respect!

She was nothing like I expected. A seasoned woman with 40 years of experience, working with kids. And very traditional. She had no qualms with telling my boys that they were old enough to change their sheets, make their beds, put away their clothes, etc. She also told them that by law, I need only provide food and a roof over their heads and that they needed to be responsible for keeping themselves cleaned and be thankful. Talk about earning my respect immediately! As a matter of fact, she told them that we are changing their diets and they will eat what they are given without complaint or they may as well accept that they will be wetting the bed for many more years to come.

I was a little concerned by her declaration of the diet changes. Drinking water - check! One sweet per week - check! Wait... that means no cereal and no poptarts unless that is the one sweet they choose for a week? Okay... I suppose that isn't so bad. And then the big one. No more than 1200 mg of sodium a day. What does that mean? More fruits and veggies? We can handle that. No chips? Hmm... okay... "Read labels." Do you know what I have learned since starting this practice? Too much. The amount of sodium in EVERYTHING is appalling. No wonder the blood tests showed normal for me, but high for my oldest boy.On average, we consume about 4,000-5,000 mg PER DAY of sodium. The night we had dinner after our appointment, I measured out the "Suggested Serving" sizes and counted up how much it equaled. A single serving was about 2,000 mg. We are talking a single cordon bleu breast, half a cup of au gratin potatoes and 2/3 a cup of mashed potatoes (kids and husband wanted two kinds of potatoes, normally I have a different side). I was floored! Starting looking in the pantry. I had just bought snacks for school. Huge multi-pack of crackers and a couple bags of single serve chips. Those little bags alone are about 300 mg each. 

(Snack items we had bought for the kids = all very high in sodium)

I don't know how well this will work out. We have decided to do this as a family. All for one and one for all! But oh man.... I'm struggling. I keep wishing we could just not do this anymore. At all. We even talked about only trying to get it lessened. Like maybe cut our salt intake by half? Just gotta get the kids trained to not pee in the bed anymore. I can't wait until we can have sweets back too. But I am loving the more vegetarian-like approach. Loading up on fruits and vegetables. I just need more meal ideas.... Got any??

No One Can Judge Me... As I Do

"You are your worse critic." If I had a dollar for every time my husband has told me this, I think I'd be sitting on quite the wad of bills by now. It can be a hard truth. All we have to do is look in the mirror - physical or proverbial - to see all the things we don't like about ourselves. Whether we judge our appearances, hate some trait in our personality, can't stand a physical impediment or just continually remind ourselves of wrong decisions to put us down, we will always bring out the worse in ourselves. 

Take my personal put downs for instance. 

I'm fat. My husband absolutely can't stand when I refer to my weight in a negative way. He doesn't even like it when the kids say "Mom is not fat, just fluffy." (Any "Fluffy" fans out there??) I finally lost 3 of the 40 pounds that I have been holding on to for the past year. Slow process... But I love to eat. And I am a great cook. Not boasting, just stating the fact. So telling myself no to a second or third helping has been difficult. I've finally started eating smaller portions. I'm talking really small. And that has helped. I keep baking to a bare minimum and usually only when I'm feeling upset about something. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty in myself anymore. I see a plain, old, Mom. A woman who has lost a lot of fights and just doesn't care much these days. 

I'm broken. Physically speaking, I'm worn down. Most of this is just because my back is falling apart. Literally. And it has affected me in ways that I can't stand myself for. There is nothing I could have done to change this. No precautions I could have foreseen to take. It happens. After 3 surgeries while growing up, the true side effects kicked in and reared their ugly heads. So a word from the wise on a child that grew up with scoliosis - do everything you can to avoid surgery. And if you must allow a child to have surgery, keep watch on the slow progression of damage that comes after. Took 15 years to reach the breaking point for me. And once it did, my life felt ripped apart. Sacrifices are normal. A normal part of achieving ultimate goals. Doesn't make it easy though. This week, I was cooking and had the radio playing. One of my favorite songs came on so I started dancing to it. My body said no. Pain struck and the dance came to an abrupt end. Talk about being a downer. 

I can't provide financially for my family. My family means everything to me. And I would do everything possible to provide them the best I can in life. These days, my biggest wish is that the bills are paid in full and on time. So far, we have done this. This months bills are looking shaky. At least in my short line of sight. But there are times when I wish we could afford the extras. This month is my older daughters birthday. She is turning 6. I asked my husband what we will get her for her birthday. You can only imagine how my heart dropped when he reminded me that we just can't afford anything. And he had no ideas as far as something I could just make with what supplies I have on hand. Which made two of us. This reminded me that we have fallen so far from where we were when I had a job. That after being laid off, I have been unable to get another job due to my deteriorating health. I feel as though I should be able to do more. That I should not have to watch us accepting help and feel as though I'm just burden to others. How often have we talked about someone we knew as being a "burden to society". Well, I feel like that phrase may as well apply to me. What can I possibly give back to anyone to make my existence worth something? My family deserves better. I let my mind wander down a dark path where the thought of whether my husband still had a life insurance policy on me or not gave me bad ideas. Let me get something straight - I have never been able to take my life, no matter how bad things have gotten. And I have made a promise that I won't ever try. Doesn't mean that the thought doesn't cross my mind as a solution. 

Are my dreams worthless? This is a constant battle these days. I've given up on the dream of buying a house, setting down roots and trying to build connections nearby. As much as I would love to, it just isn't feasible. My husband has about two more years in college. Which means we have to stay close to his university in the meantime. And that he will be stuck in the job he has until he gets his degree. And that sucks. But we both know we don't want to buy a house around where we are or in the areas around his school and work. We want to go further north towards his family. And if things don't go the way we are hoping with my assistance requests, we might end up somewhere much smaller. Something I brought to my husbands attention with this, is that maybe we should get rid of the collections we have. Sell everything we hold dear but could live without and go true minimalist out of necessity. He doesn't feel we are at that point just yet, which is good. I don't want to get there if we can avoid it. But the dreams I had seem so far away that I fear we may never be able to reach them. And there are moments when I get a little cynical at his comments of needing me around to be "traveling companion" later in life. Or when we say "one day" and "eventually". These phrases, when paired with a dream leave a bitter taste in my mind. 

2 Timothy 3:12 Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. 

How do others see me? This one is probably the worst. This is when I imagine what others are thinking about our family, even if they are probably not anywhere near as cruel in their thoughts. If you are truly honest and give thought to it, how many times have you looked at someone and decided what their life must be? Let me give you an example. A woman goes through the checkout line. She has a cart full of grocery items. She's carrying one baby on her hip, has 1-3 others in tow around her. Her nails are newly done. She's wearing name brand clothing. Her kids don't look as tidy though. Her kids are not her priority. And she swipes a Food Stamps card to pay for the food. But pulls out a wad of cash for anything else. What does your mind tell you about her? Shall I tell you? She's a welfare recipient. She puts everything into herself and pops out kids from multiple dads. Probably divorced, if she was ever married at all. If you looked in those bags, most of the foods are probably microwavable or quick fix foods. Why? She doesn't like to or know how to cook. My mind screams - useless, drain on society. I've known women like her. Complain about how life has done them wrong, but wouldn't lift their expensively-manicured fingers to change it. If you follow them to the parking lot, most are driving new cars. Big SUV's. Shiny and new. Or if they fall in the "trash" spectrum, a piece of crap car that looks as neglected as her kids. Again, her money is more for her looks than anything else. She probably lives in a ghetto trailer on the wrong side of town. Why? Because it's cheap and keeps more money in her pockets. Now be honest, how many of you imagined the same kind of person at one time or other? Well, guess what? I feel as though people look at me the same way. I don't have fancy manicures. Never had my nails professionally done at all. I don't wear name brands unless someone gave them to me or I found them at a yard sale or a thrift store. I don't care about looks besides wanting to be thinner in the belly department. I don't wear make up unless it is for pictures or a special event/holiday. But when I pull out our Food Stamps card, I feel like I'm being judged. I have my 4 kids around me. Probably can't tell that there have been more than one dad in the picture, but my mind throws that in my face. You don't have to. If you catch me unloading them from my van... well, it must be quite the sight. My front bumper is half torn off. I don't wash the van often so it usually has a thick layer of dust on it. I put my hair in Pippy Longstocking braids. Okay, no they don't stick out like that... they lay on either side of my neck. My older daughter picks her own clothes and doesn't listen to my advice on what really matches. My boys throw on whatever suits their fancy, which has sometimes been... adventurous. And I haven't been putting shorts on the baby to help her stay cool in this heat. So a t-shirt and diaper is the extent for that one. Oh, yeah. I probably look like "trailer trash". I've seen the eye rolls. The impatient drumming of the fingers. Loud sighs. Narrowing eyes. And even if they don't act like this when I use the WIC card and then the SNAP card, I will be imagining they are. Why? Because I'm already so embarrassed that I can't look anyone in the eye. 

We are a new level of BROKE. I don't need anyone to laugh at my misfortunes. I do that already. And it is not a cheerful laugh. I can't afford to shop at the dollar store. Don't even have a dollar to my name. So my mind lines up the judgement when someone makes a suggestion on things that should help us. And it pretty much starts with, "You are so pathetic...", but is always directed towards myself. I feel as though I obviously have not done enough in others' eyes. I have not tried hard enough to make something of myself. I must have given up along the way. Or when I tell them that I am broke, they probably laugh. I mean after all, being "broke" usually means you can't eat out more than twice a month and even then - only from the Dollar Menu. Well, I'm more broke that than. We are so broke that we don't eat out at all. All food comes from food stamps. Every penny gets saved and cashed in for bills. No cable, no Netflix and now not even Xbox Live. We keep the thermostat at 78. Always. I sweat without stepping outside. We don't run the dishwasher unless I've cooked a big meal and have a full machine worth of dirty dishes. Oh, yes. I'm BROKE. It is what it is. And everything that isn't food goes to the credit card. We have had help from family, of which I'm truly thankful for, but I also feel that I am going farther and farther into debt.

Finding peace in all this is hard. There is no sugar coating this. I get absolutely miserable. As I mentioned before, I have dark thoughts. Especially when I have pain to remind me why we are in this boat. I loathe myself. I hate my body with a vengeance. I feel trapped. And as they say, there is the fight or flight moments. When I work on my blogging and writing - I'm fighting the darkness. When I don't - I'm looking for "flight" options. I write letters from time to time to help ease through my emotions and get my mind off the negative things. I keep a journal when I'm in the deepest hurt. But it is not always enough. So I've picked up a couple of the projects I laid aside. 

Keeping busy banishes the heaviness. I'm not the best crafter, but there are some things I've taken up to keep my mind preoccupied. My Mom sent me some amazing, old goggles and glasses. They are perfect for my steampunk goggle designs. So I'm going to work at making two pairs; one for my husband and one for me. Since we can't afford a gift for my little girl, I had to dig deep to find something I can make her. My Mom had sent her two sets of letters that spell out her name and hang on the wall. She wanted the glittery ones at first, so I put aside the plain white ones. Now, I pulled them out and have added some hand painted touches. They will go nicely with her changing decor in her room. You see, she's growing up. As much as she's a diva, she wants her room to reflect more of the lady and princesses that are more elegant. We have moved past the Disney look of old. So the pearl-trimmed mirror and now these letters are the start of something beautiful. Something that she and I can agree on. And something that will keep me busy when I need to be more than ever before. 
In addition to keeping busy, I will spend more time seeking God and the plan He has for me. 

Ecclesiastes 5:18 Behold that which I have seen: it is good and comely for one to eat and to drink, and to enjoy the good of all his labour that he taketh under the sun all the days of his life, which God giveth him; for it is his portion.

Through Hardships Comes Happiness in Thankfulness

This week has been quite the roller coaster for us. Last weekend, we dropped off our kids with my Mother and Sister-in-laws. This was a delayed anniversary gift from them, and very much needed. A chance to rest and take a breath. To enjoy each others' company for a bit. We had been looking forward to it! Sunday, we made our way back home. We had been joking the whole ride home about things we planned to do and the ways we would spend our lazy week together. Then we got home....

Monday was a day for us to be depressed and not really wanting to talk or do anything. We had checked the mail and found a letter telling us that I was being denied disability. Again. Despite the problems in my back and inability to hold a job, I'm considered too healthy to be disabled. It was quite a blow. And meant that I (well, we) would have some tough choices to make. The husband was away at school and I took some time to think and pray, because I felt so hopeless again.

Tuesday we had to take the van to the mechanic. Which is roughly 3-ish miles away. So we drove the van there and walked home. We drained 4 bottles of water in that walk. And may have taken the long way home. A friend and neighbor saw us as we were hitting the entrance to our neighborhood and drove us to our door. Which was a huge relief. Then we got the call that the van was diagnosed and we could come pick it up. So we threw on our shoes and packed 6 bottles this time. Off we went. Walking in 103 degree weather, along the highways and busy streets. I almost started to think I wasn't going to make it. A couple times the thought occurred to me that just maybe I should let my husband make the journey and come back for me on his own. But the whole reason I insisted on going was to make sure he was okay on this trek. It is a long, hot walk. And it goes through some ghetto-esque areas. Besides, we are in this together. Towards the end of the walk, I began to show symptoms of heat stroke. I was shivering cold through the sweat-soaked clothes. Yep, scared my husband, but I was feeling good. We had to stop several times so I could rest. Got the van and made it home though. Roughly 7 miles walked in 3 hours. After stripping down and taking a cold shower, we surveyed the damage. I had 7 blisters on my feet that are still slowly healing. His injured foot was swollen. My right side has a bulging feeling in between the spine and rib cage. Like a balloon has been inflated inside it and pressed against the nerve. I walk and sit hunched forward now to ease the pain. His arms and lower legs were sunburned. Had to douse him in the aloe vera gel. My head was pounding. Yes, we were a horrible sight to behold. Spent the rest of our evening on the couch with cookies and a bottle of wine I needed to review. I didn't even want to go upstairs to bed. 

Wednesday we had to go grocery shopping. Our feet were still a mess. I limped awkwardly while leaning all my weight on the cart. But better that we got through it before the kids got home, right? But at the same time, we got some good news. As a last ditch effort, we called a lawyer to ask if fighting for disability was even considerable. They questioned me and looked over what they had to work with. Remember - they don't take cases they don't see a sliver of hope in winning. Why? They don't get paid unless they win. The decision maker for this says it might be slight, but approved them taking it. We might not win, but we won't know unless we try. And what have we to lose at this point? 

Then comes Thursday. I'm packing for our trip to my in-laws to retrieve our babies. We are also going to have a family get-together with the patriarch in attendance. So I'm making cookies and getting other treats together to bring. We will go to my husbands university for his class. I'm going to chill in the library and then when he's done, we are going north! I've got all the plans rolling in my head when I hear the neighbor arrive to load the moving truck. Lucky neighbors are getting out of Dodge! I stepped out to talk for a moment and he tells me they want to give us things. A computer desk, computer monitor, a washer machine and a sewing machine in pristine condition from 1918! Now, these things won't help us out of financial crisis, but they gave me hope. Why? Well, we had talked about needing a bigger computer desk. And now we have one! A solid wood desk that will fit everything and then some. A washer when ours seems to be nearing the end of its life cycle. I am not completely sure what to do with the Singer, but if I did sell - it would cover at least one monthly bill. 

God moves in mysterious ways. We are not out of the woods, but we have hope. Life is not as dark as it seemed at the beginning of the week. And that is all we need.

The Shadow of the Valley of Death... Remember the Light is Coming!

This past week got dark. I guess you can say I just couldn't handle all the downs that seemed to be hitting us back to back... to back. It was pretty miserable. The first week of July saw all my children sick. One at a time, each of the older three got strep throat. The baby was teething. HARD. Total meltdowns. Screaming fits for no reason. Biting on everything. Wanting Mommy to hold her CONSTANTLY! Then the back pain and migraines had to chime in. Sleeping at night became a bygone and by 1 in the afternoon, I wanted to crawl back into bed even if I barely managed to get up by 10 AM. My husband comes home from work one morning and I tell him we have to take the kiddos to the clinic. He mumbles something about, "if the van will even start". Talk about my heart wanting to skip a beat. He hadn't told me that the vans catalytic converter had gone out the night before when he was heading to work. Said he didn't want to add to my stress just yet. This was the third part to break down in less than a month. Before that, it had been our emergency break. Followed by the AC. Yep. We had to rig the brakes and drive with the windows down. In triple digit heat. Now this thing breaks! So we sound like an old Harley Davidson. Or like those big trucks that so many Texan men feel they have to drive to compensate for their lacking in other departments. Which is funny when you consider all the times we made fun of those guys... He was driving to or from work once and this guy on a Harley in front of him kept checking his mirror and looking behind him for the other "biker". 

Mental head slap here. 

The kids commented on the sound. I told them to imagine themselves on a big motorcycle with the wind whipping through their hair. Or in a big truck that no one else could touch. My husbands imagination is lacking, but I'm working on him. We can't talk when we drive. Can't hear each other or even ourselves above the wind and loud exhaust sound. Then we went to the part store to have them check the codes. Our Check Engine light is on. As is our Brake Light (though we know why on this one). The codes said we have a gas leak. My husband looks over the van after a new sound started. The fuel pump needs to be replaced. So now the van jerks as well when we drive. 

It is so hard to stay positive right now. After all, if the van breaks down any further, we are completely screwed. No secondary vehicle. No one close by to bum rides off of or borrow a vehicle from. My husband has school Monday - Friday and works 3 nights a week. Which is another reason I have been down. He put in for more work hours since his summer classes are less than the normal semester hours. He can work more nights. But they haven't been scheduling him for more. In fact, one week they didn't schedule him at all. So on top of our normal bills that we are unable to fully meet on his check, we now have other bills pouring in. Surprise! 

Which is about when another surprise came. We had hired a tax lawyer a year ago to fix an issue that the IRS brought up. It had to do with my tax return filed the last year I was married to my ex. He did his job, or that's what we thought, and we moved on feeling confident. Until now. We got word that the issue had not been resolved. I contacted the lawyer for answers and he got back to work. Now he sends me a bill for nearly $200! 

When it rains, it really pours. 

I was so done. I did not want to talk to anyone. Not even the love of my life. Didn't want to care anymore. I told myself I had to take it one day at a time. I tried to figure out what the heck I must have done to deserve all this. Why my life couldn't be what I wanted. I mean, I know people swimming in debt who seem to have happier lives than me. I know of people that have marriages falling apart (though they can't see it) and they are moving up in life like there is no tomorrow. So why aren't we? Here we are trying to obey the rules and live our lives the way God would have us do. Why are we struggling and suffering so much more? I once asked my Dad about that. He told me, "The good die young." The wicked prevail. Good people suffer. Why? Take a look around. The world is full of evil. No good deed goes unpunished. It is not that we can't be just as happy, but that we are put to the test. Will we stay true? Or will we falter and fall into the pattern of everyone else? These trials build our character. They make us stronger and wiser. We make better choices next time. 

Enjoy the view on the mountain top. 

Life comes with highs and lows. Some times it seems that there are more lows than highs. My current life, as a case in point. When we are standing at the high peak, we see endless possibility. We see a beautiful horizon. But when life throws us lemons and things go sour, we are in the valley. Full of shadow. Worries and fears creep closer. Darkness threatens our happiness. These are the moments when we truly have to recall the memory of being on the mountains top. To remind ourselves that things can be better, will be better. That there is another one coming. It seems impossible at times. And there will be times we fall into the darkness of our hearts. When we feel no one can understand what we are going through. When even my child's smile makes me feel inadequate as a Mother. 

These times will pass. 

Good or bad, every thing passes. Nothing is a constant. It took me a couple days to get over it. A couple days to cry myself to sleep and remember that nothing will change with me being in a bad mood. Time to make the best of what we have. Time to remember that things could be worse. And that blessings come when least expected. Like our new lawnmower. Our lawnmower broke down a while back. My husband has been "mowing" the grass with the weed eater. He dreads it. We have a 10'x10' yard. Tiny, right? But in 100+ degrees, it seems like an endless task with the weed eater. Then our neighbor comes over and offers us his electric mower as they are moving and will not have a need for it anymore. God moves in mysterious ways when we aren't looking for it. It won't make everything better, but at least it is one problem fixed on our always-growing list. 

Make the bad parts funny.

I have always been a fan of imagination. Not everyone can use theirs as well as I can, but it doesn't hurt to try. Your mind is a wonderful factory. It can make the worse situations comical, which helps you get through them. We "pretend" that our van is the Harley or the big truck. We laugh at the little things. My husband and I joke about showing up to my in laws in our monster van. He talks about wearing a wife beater and a flannel shirt with the sleeves torn off. Although, he says the icing on the cake would be if it backfired when we parked. I draw a line here. If it dares backfire, we will officially be in the "white trash" category, so I say no. Absolutely not. People can laugh and make fun of how we look. We will be laughing right along with them. This valley won't go on forever. My mountains peak is coming. I just have to get ready to enjoy the view and savor the memory.

Celebrate the Little Things With Me!

Do you have pain? Daily pain? Well, I do. And "good days" are few and far between. So I think the little moments when I can feel free of the struggle is when I shall do all I can. But I shall enjoy them too. Sure, I might be doing chores. But I will do them happily. Not every day that I can, you know. If you struggle too, let's celebrate together! Tell me what your little moment is. And I will celebrate it with you!

Journey to Pain Relief: Purple Pillow Review

Recently, my husband bought me a Purple Pillow. If you have been on YouTube lately, you have probably seen plenty of Purple ads. 

*Quick disclaimer - I was not paid for this review and we did not receive the pillow in exchange for this review. My husband paid for it. It is my honest opinion.*

My husband and I have been searching for ways to alleviate the spinal pains that I face on a daily basis. It has been quite difficult. One of the problems I'm facing is the pain from hypertension in my neck. It causes me to have migraines as well as to lose sleep. We have talked about getting a new bed. One that is bigger, newer and more gentle on the back side. But which one we think is best? Not so easy to answer. He surprised me by buying the Purple Pillow. It is made of a polymer material. Two things I liked right away would be the way it is like a gel in cooling off and in flexibility.

This pillow can take the pressure, conform to it, but then bounce right back to its original shape fairly quickly. It is just like they say, no fluffing required. The cooling sensation feels good to my neck and head, but also to my shoulders. It was why I had bought a gel-topped pillow before. However, with that one I noticed that it is too hard on my shoulders. This one really does ease the pressure points. I even tried sleeping with it under my back. Felt so good! At least until I got up the next morning. That was when the stiffness kicked in from not sleeping on a large enough surface to accommodate my entire spine. This is why we have been considering getting a Purple mattress later on. 

This is what is inside the pillow

The only turn off I had with my pillow would be the initial smell. The polymer they used has an unusual smell. Something in the plastic or rubber zone to me. To help cover it up, I put a dryer sheet into my pillow case between the polymer and where my face would go. I was glad they also sent a zipper case for it. Pillow is inside the washable zipper case, then inside my pillow case. Helps to cover the smell better. 

This pillow runs $99 with free shipping in the continental United States. And it was worth the money. I have not had morning stiffness in my neck or woke up with headaches while using this pillow. So it is a definite win on that battle. My husband has even talked about getting the mattress one day. Especially now that they offer variations in thickness. 

Hope this review helps anyone sitting on the fence about buying one. And if you do, I hope you have as great a nights sleep as I have. Enjoy! 

Learning to Hold Back

This week has not gone as I had hoped. And I'm only midway through. Lack of sleep and enhanced pain are two things that turn me to the dark side. Popping pills every day just to keep mobile. I'm blaming the weather. Here in Texas, it can't decide if it should be hot or cold. We wake up to 40 degree temperatures, and by the time the kids are exiting the bus, it's 80! Then, we wake up this morning and its in the 40's with rain. The weather report says we should look for snow tomorrow. I think whoever posted that needs to have their head checked. This is Texas. We get slush. Maybe ice. Not really snow. There is a difference. And if that is truly what is coming, I don't plan on leaving my house at all. Besides walking the kids to and from the bus stop. But no driving for me. The fleece blankets are on hand and a sweater will be with me wherever I go. 

I had hoped to try to get a massage this week. It had been suggested and seemed like my best option in breaking up the tension in my neck and shoulders. Sadly, my husband and I had other things to do and we never made it. Life is good at getting in the way. Instead, I applied for a job. Here's to hoping, right? It was nice being a kept wife for a while, but it seems to be a necessity now. Which brings me to the topic of my post. Some might say what follows is a product of the lack of sleep and the immense discomfort I'm going through right now. Maybe they are right. Or maybe I really have seen the truth. Warning to the weak - the truth hurts.

So came the revelation. I'm a southern born, and raised, lady. I'm traditional for the most part. I can be very outspoken too. I'm honest. Brutally so. Employers find that reassuring. Friends and family - not so much. I never truly put much thought into it. When I see something I don't agree with, or something that seems wrong, I have a tendency to speak up. Believe me, I think my words through carefully before I speak, though that does not seem to matter. People don't want to hear what may be the truth. It can be too offensive. My husband is from Colorado. Or as he puts it, the north. He is quiet, reserved, and as most of his family are - a peace keeper. They don't do confrontation well. They have the normal family drama, but they keep it to a minimum. When they don't like something, they don't often confront the source, but rather go around it until it reaches the top and they can't dance around the circle. I get it. I don't like confrontation either. But over the years, I have learned that it is sometimes necessary in order to grow and develop better relationships. This is where I probably rub them wrong. I speak out and I don't cower. And as my husband put it, I do so because it is how I was brought up. It is the "default" that my family has. Somewhat true. We speak up when we feel something is truly wrong. Or, as I often do, when I can't keep it bottled up anymore and it just erupts like a volcano. He also made the comment that we "tear each other part" with this method. Talk about a slap in the face. But I guess if you think about it, he's right. When we speak up and put each other in their place, lay out the injustice of what they are doing, what is really happening? In my mind, we are showing a fault that needs to be addressed. Like when someone is acting as a spoiled brat, for instance. I, personally, want people to think about how they are acting. How their words affect others' emotions. But is it really my place? Who am I to tell you if you are talking to someone with the wrong tone? Whether it be your spouse or your mother or your boss. In this day and age, doing so is wrong. Or maybe it was always wrong, but here in the south we still did it. 

I'm unapologetic for my words. As I mentioned, I think them through before I send that message. And since that is how I talk to most people - through typed words - they might sting just a little more. You can't read emotion in a text message. Not unless you add some cute little emoji. Something to soften the tone for your reader. I'm not a huge fan of them, but I sometimes use them to get across a tone and keep people from freaking out on me. So, if I send a message and someone else gets offended, that's that. The only thing I have to be sorry of is the fact that you didn't have tough enough skin to take it. Or that you are too blind to your behavior. Harsh, isn't it? 

This is one reason I don't like being around people. I'm an introvert. I think most people are ignorant or just plain stupid. I find that most people don't think about what they are doing or saying or what the consequences will be. And people are generally too selfish. So, I like to distance myself. I'll be honest, I do this with friends and family too. I get to a point where I don't want to be at risk of being in a conversation where my personal beliefs or ideas will clash with another. So I'd rather avoid socializing altogether. There are a select number of people who can ask me to hang out or chat and I'd do so without fear. I can count them on one hand. They are the few that can handle everything I say without taking offense and are not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong. But after realizing the truth that my husband laid out this week, I think I need to tighten the reigns on my words. I think I need to put distance in my text messages. I can't trust myself to share an opinion. Not if it runs the risk of tearing someone apart. So, I'm putting up the walls. Locking away my voice of reason. Putting into park, that drive to make things right. I'm going to take a backseat and let others do. Right or wrong, it isn't my place to say unless you are my kid. Or unless it is a rant in the journal or blog. Because lets face it. No one really reads either. Okay, my mother reads the blog religiously. And she's one of the few who can take what I say with a grain of salt and tell me when I need to shut up. I say this with love. She's the one who was always telling me, "Opinions are like butt holes. Everyone has one and they all stink." We think our opinions are helpful and matter, but seriously - they don't. Unless you are asked for it - maybe you should keep it to yourself. 

• Think twice before you act or speak. 

• Learn to hold back. 

• And develop thick skin for the times when someone else shares what they think. 

Lessons that I hope I can stick to and that you can learn from. There is a time to speak up, but it is not as often as you might think.