2019 Is Here!

I'm so happy that 2018 has come to an end, but wow! It went by quicker than I thought. New Years Eve, we had a recap moment with my Mother and Sister-in-laws. Month by month, going through the things we remember happening. It truly brought back memories. Not many were good ones. Or at least those were harder to recall with so many shadows hanging over them. But in the end, we had hope. Hope that this year, 2019, will be filled with great strides towards our better future. 

And that is all we truly need. Hope. To re-spark those dreams. One day at a time. One step forward. 

This month begins those steps. This is the month I push myself to complete packing and that we begin looking at places to move to. It excites me so much to know that this month and next are all we have left in our current home. Then we move further north to be closer to family. Something I've been dreaming of for over half a year now!

Then comes March. A month when I finally find out if I will be approved for Disability. My health has been a sore spot for me. Literally. And emotionally. I hurt. A lot. I have a hard time sleeping. Hard time walking. Cooking and baking have lost that fun feeling I used to have. Now, they are just a necessity. Getting medical help hasn't been working out either. So after we move, I intend to apply at the local program there. 

And this is just the first three months! Oh imagine! There are 9 more months that follow with surprises awaiting. I can't wait!

Slipping Through the Cracks

At the beginning of a new year, you are supposed to be full of hope. You are supposed to be full of ambition. Your goals are set high because you believe in your ability to accomplish them. On day 10... I was losing that. 2017 had a lot of letdowns. I was trying to have a better 2018. 

I have lost the drive to seek medical treatment for the spinal issues that plague this body of mine. They say you get one yes after nine "no" answers in the business world. I'm beginning to feel that is a better chance than when seeking medical answers. I started receiving treatment when the pain hit a high note while working for Amazon in January of 2016. I went home in tears, daily. Since then...
I have tried chiropractic care.
I have tried steroid injections.
I tried getting a massage.
I have been taking pills in increased dosages for the past year or more.
I drink chamomile tea, take warm showers, sleep with a heating pad, and avoid too much activity when the pain level is starting to rise.
Since losing my job in March of 2017, I have been trying to get assistance for medical care. Believe it or not, on our single income and with 4 children, I don't qualify for Medicaid. I also can't get disability because I have not been specifically treated in the past year for this condition of mine. Haven't been able to without insurance and spare cash. And because I don't have insurance and will be paying for my visits in cash, I am not able to get anything past injections from a pain management physician that came highly recommended in San Antonio. 
A suggestion had been made that I should seek care from a medical school. I had this when my Mom got me braces. Schools have students that need practice. But they can't get real patients just yet. So you pay discounted amounts and the students use you under supervision of medical experts. I sought out one in San Antonio that is under a hospital. They told me that I didn't qualify because I am not a resident of their county. They gave me the number of a place that is 45 minutes away in another town. So I got everything together that I would need and sought out the Indigent Medical Assistance. My husband, baby and I sat for just over an hour waiting to be heard. Then I was told that I may not qualify. Why? The city I live in is split into 3 counties. One of which already told me I do not belong to them. So I have to find out and prove what county I am a resident of. My vehicle is registered in the county that told me I'm not in their jurisdiction, despite living within minutes of the city limits. The other hospital, so far away, says I have to prove where I belong. This program is for Indigent patients. You know you have fallen far when you are called an indigent person. Impoverished, needy. Yes, that's me. And yet, I am falling through the cracks of the programs designed to help those like me. This answer came right before the other doctors office told me they would only allow me steroid injections for cash payments. A simple consultation would cost me $200. The injections start at $300 and go up with additional fees for supplies and anesthesia. 
I have asked for referrals by medical professionals and friends. Advice on what they think I should do next. What I should try next. My list of dead ends is growing longer.
Hope is hard to hold onto when you reach this length or trials. I keep praying. I hear songs of encouragement to hold on to hope for even the impossible. Chronologically, I'm going on 30 years old this month. Physically, I'm pushing past 80. So it's time for plan B. Or whatever letter I'd be at now. Just to pray. They say there is great power in prayer. And when you have nothing else, it is what you cling to. 
My advice to others who are in this situation - pray. And then know what county you are in. Know what is out there. There is nothing that I have found for me, but every city is different. Some of these programs do serve people from other counties. They have a program extension. Sadly, that won't work in my case. And depending on where you are, I have heard from one worker that there are clinics that you can push for sliding scale prices based on your income. She said it is very difficult, but it is possible. You just have to live in their county and be prepared to sit and wait and refuse to be to told no. These are usually some type of community clinic. Not privately owned. 
Hope thins out when you are suffering with no relief in sight. But you have to look for the bright side of where you are. My mother reminded me of this. I have to believe that this situation is strengthening me for what is yet to come. I might not like the method, but the results will be worth it.

Psalm 56:4

In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

Learning Not to Worry

After losing my job, worry took over. I fretted over how we would pay the bills. Wondered what we would do to make ends meet. I questioned what God might have planned for us. Unemployment was fickle. Almost like a full time job. At first, I looked like crazy for a job. But soon came to realize that it might not be the right choice. You see, right before losing my job, my husband was in a car accident that totaled his vehicle. So we were down to one car - my van. In addition, he had work overnight and school two days a week. Between his schedule and making sure someone was able to be with the baby all day or get the kids as they exited the bus, none of the jobs I was looking for matched our needs. I had been laid off from being an administrative assistant making $14/hour. And that's the type of job I was looking for. I felt as though I had to get the full time, high paying job that would keep our family as it had been. We had gotten comfortable. But we didn't need that to be happy. My husband works part time while he's in school. He makes enough to cover the bills. We could get by with what we need. I had a couple thousand saved from work. It has been slowly dwindling with each month that passes by as my automatic bills pull from it. We have not needed to worry. We won't be going out to eat like we used to. Lunch dates will be sparse. I have to pinch pennies from time to time to get little non-food items, but the bills are paid. 

And when other unexpected bills have struck, like the multiple van issues, we  were blessed in ways we could not have imagined. At first, we were having starter problems. The van would not start. Our local, and trusted mechanic, told us that was something he could not help with. We feared the price tag the dealership would put to such a task. My husband called and began to inquire. Turned out, there was a recall on that part and we didn't have to pay a dime! The relief was like a wave over us, despite agreeing that whatever happened would be God's will. Then the alternator died. We broke down on our way home one day. We had to have the van towed to the mechanics shop, rent a car for the weekend, as well as pay for the parts and labor. But at the same time that happened, we had sold something donated to us by my husband's grandparents. The money from that sale more than covered all those expenses. 

Another item his grandparents had donated us, also sold. And with the money we got from that, we were able to get the last of the Christmas presents on our list for family and friends. This was one part of me that hurt the most. I'm a giver. It is my gift, or curse - depending on your point of view. I love to give, even when I have so little. 

Then there were other things. Like my son needed a new backpack. I'm praying his lasts until Christmas. (Tonight, we had to duct tape it back together. Duct tape - the key element for everything.) That is when he gets a new one from money sent by a friend to purchase gifts for the kids. My daughter needed new panties. Those also came from that money. Shortly after shopping for those things, we came to find that both boys' jackets broke and they needed new ones. They also needed pants. Another friend writes that he wanted to be their Santa this year. He sent money that more than covered those needs. They were even able to get some toys that I would not have otherwise been able to get. My baby got a walker that will hopefully help her learn to walk. At 13 months, she is being a little slow. My middle son needed shoes. Without even telling my mother, I received a packaged from her that had a new pair in it just for him. And not a day too soon. We had duct taped his old pair back together and the school was planning to get him a new pair when they saw it. They didn't, however, so we were very glad to have gotten those when we did! Today, the school surprised us by sending 3 pairs of shoes for the boys and one for my daughter. They will be set for a little while yet. 

These are just a few things that I have come to realize. All the times I have worried, God has provided in ways that I never would have thought to be. We have been able to keep our heads up. To have our needs, and even some wants, provided for. Through family and friends. I had applied for a job last week. Sadly, even after 2 interviews, it just wasn't meant to be. But I have faith. We will be fine. Better than fine. We will get by with life going smoothly. No matter what hiccups may come, we don't have to worry. I don't have to worry. God has got this.

Being a Charity Case

Have you ever felt like you were just a charity case in the eyes of others? Like you haven't done enough for yourself, so others are having to pick up your slack? I know I have. More often than I care to think about. Every time, I feel grateful, but also ashamed. I was raised and surrounded by people who gave. I'm happiest when I'm doing for and giving to others. Sure, on my birthday or Christmas I can enjoy a gift without the guilt. But on other occasions... Not so much. 

This past week, I received more than one call from my kids' school. The first time, I was informed that all three of my children in school were nominated by their teachers for a charity program that gets the kids clothes, shoes, toys and/or games. Before I say anything else, know that my kids are not wanting when it comes to clothes. I don't let them keep clothes that are ripped, shredding, or otherwise defected. They get clothes from both of their grandmothers. I actually had to thin out my daughters drawers and closet. She had more than I do. 

Then I get a call asking if we need a turkey dinner donation. We were chosen to get a box of food. I appreciated the offer, but we are not starving. Yes, we get assistance to get food every month from our government. Again, I'm not proud of this. But it keeps us going until we can get back on our feet. I told them to give it to another family who needs it more. 

Finally, I get a call about shoes. My youngest son tore up his latest pair of shoes. This is not the first time I've heard about his shoes from the school. Sadly, I think this will be a constant thing. I don't know how he does it. His last pair, I had to hot glue back together. The Velcro fell apart. I patched it as best I could and told him I would get him a new pair soon. Right after this, maybe a week later, I get a box from my mother. She had sent a pair of shoes that were nearly new. They were my oldest sons size. So I gave him those and gave his old shoes to the younger son. It was perfect timing. My older son was beginning to complain that his shoes were tight. And I was thanking God for once again watching out for us. My mother didn't know we needed those shoes. But within a week or so, my younger son had torn up those shoes too. The soles were coming off. Almost completely. This time, hot glue wasn't working. So my husband pulled out duct tape.

When you have nothing else, you bite back the shame and do what you must. The counselor has my boys in a weekly lunch meeting program they are running to talk to kids on a more personal level. They noticed the shoes and asked if they could give him another pair. Inside, I was screaming, NO! But outwardly, I said yes and that I was very thankful for their assistance. Again, God is providing where I failed.

One son is getting a new backpack as a Christmas gift from a friend. His is threadbare with holes forming. I'm one of those parents who can't donate to every fundraiser, event, and party they have. You know how mad I get when my kids tell me that their teachers said if everyone doesn't participate, they don't get the special rewards every other class will get? I pay more to be in a better area, with a better school. But the trade off is, I can't have my kids participating in everything else. I also would not be surprised if my older son told his teacher that "Mommy is broke all the time." I don't lie to my kids. I don't have money to toss around. I'm careful with my spending more now than ever before. We are a single income family. I have money to pay the monthly bills, nothing more. We can't go out to eat. I can't afford those new toys. We can't go to theme parks. Movies are expensive. They ask, I say no. They ask why, I tell them the truth. I'm broke. I pay for necessities. I keep them taken care. Then I get the other question. How come daddy can do all those things? My oldest three came from a previous marriage. One that I am more than happy is over. My ex blows money to make them believe he is the cool parent. He gets them only 2 weekends a month. And every time, they get to do and have things that we can't do here at home. Talk about testing my patience... I can't bash their father to them. I won't. I have to be tactful with how I answer. I tell them that he has more money than I do, because he doesn't have children living with him. He doesn't have a family anymore. I do. I tell them that he also cheats his debts. He doesn't pay everything he is supposed to like we do. Being responsible hurts. It is a hard path to walk. 

Then comes the biggest charity point in my life right now. Because of my back issues, I'm very often in pain. So much so, that my children have begun to notice and ask questions. I can't hide it all the time. "Why can't you run anymore?" "What's wrong with you, Mom?" "Why do you hurt all the time?" So we talk about it. I tell them that Mommy is broken. My body doesn't work like it should. That I need a doctor to fix me. My oldest then asks when I'm going to the doctor. I'm not. Why not? I can't afford to. It is more important to me to pay the bills and keep them taken care of than to fix my physical brokenness. What does my oldest say? "Take my money, Mom. Use it to pay for surgery." 

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I can't do that. I won't do that. I love my children. They have inherited my curse. They love to give. Instead, my husband has been saying that we have to wait on the Lord and see where His will leads us. At first, I felt like I wasn't being led anywhere. Then I started getting a nagging thought. Ever heard of GoFundMe? You start up a fundraiser and strangers help your cause by donating. I had started one a while back when I wanted to fight for full custody of my three older children. Then the lawyers told me it was hopeless case unless something drastic happens to the kids at the hands of their father. Just the way the laws work here, protecting the wrong people. So I refunded everyone and decided to wipe my hands of the website. I told my husband that I couldn't get rid of the thought though. And he admitted that it sounded like we should think twice about it. Then, something happened that made him say we should do it. I've been having lightheadedness and dizziness daily. I turned my head to give him a kiss and got a charlie horse-like sensation in my neck that scared us both. It hurt so bad. I had a headache and tense feeling in my neck afterwards. I was begging for it to stop. These things are getting worse. The pain has always been there. But I can't always ignore it anymore. I pop Tylenol nearly daily. Might as well be candy at this point. I don't sleep. Not well, at least. When I try to do things like jog, I feel as though my legs are bruised. Not sore. Bruised. I can't live with it like this anymore. So we started a GoFundMe. And we agreed, if I get donations to it, I'm going to see a doctor. It will be out of pocket costs, since I have no insurance. But I'm going to get answers. I'm going to find out what it will take to get back to some state of normalcy. To where I don't have to rely on charity anymore.

Why? Why am I having all this to deal with? Why am I having to be treated like everyone's charity case? My husband reminds me that we all have to be humbled at times. That we can't always stand proud. He tells his Southern wife these things... HA! Boy, do I have a lot to learn then. It's going to be a long, hard road for me. For my family. And I don't want to walk it. But I won't let this body keep me back anymore. I'm going to push harder. Fight back. I know what kind of wife and mother I want to be. And somehow, I will be that woman again. I want to be an active part in this family's life. For a long time.