Notes from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East
Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected to be a judge at a
Chili cook-off in Texas, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call
came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE'S
MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to
put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers
when they saw the look on my face.
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili. A bit salty. Good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting plastered.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S
BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;
that 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks!
! !
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions
and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like mess, to match
my shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN'S
MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili,
safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama? (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was
unable to report)