Adventures in Parenting

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. And no one can ever convince me otherwise. It takes determination, courage, steel-willed mindsets, goal-making, compassion, and more patience than a saint. 
My life is far from where I wished it to be. Just a little over a year until I reach my thirties and having 3 children with another one on her way...

I question my own decisions often. But I love them more than life. I want to give them the best and strive to always train them in the right ways. 
My trials in parenting have spanned so many obstacles. Most recently, I have been trying to maneuver through life lessons in school, dealing with bullies, and what the golden rule really means. 
My oldest son struggles with school. In truth, both of my boys get bored and distracted easily. It takes a very clever and creative teacher to hold their attention. I'm having to really get fancy with how I make school behavior important. After all, how do you explain to an almost 8 year old that getting a good education leads to a finer life? In such a way that they actually want to try harder? I'm creating a rewards system as he seems to think that the finer life will be to just sit around, living with his mother, playing video games all day. Let's be real, kid. Once you become an adult, you will be held responsible. You will pay your own bills. And if I have to kick your butt out to prove it, I will! 
Then we have the Golden Rule and bullies. My oldest has been taught, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." So when kids at school bullied him and picked on him, he translated that as that is how they wanted to be treated in turn. And he picked back. Let's give the boy props. In a world where everyone knows that you are supposed to treat others the way you want to be treated, you should know that if you treat someone badly it might come back to bite you. Right?? So I had to explain that no matter how someone treats you, the Rule is that you have to treat them how YOU want to be treated. You don't like being teased? Then don't tease them back when they are mean to you. My younger son, on the other hand, is learning that he has to stand up for himself and speak up. That I will defend him and seek justice for him, but I have to know what happened first. Hearing about the ways he's being treated by school mates has had my blood pressure spiking and the blood boiling. Partly, because this is my baby boy who is shy and quiet and doesn't do a lot of trouble-making. Partly, because my hormones are raging almost as bad as a teenagers right now. I have to remind myself or be reminded to breathe and take it one step at a time. To think it over before reacting. Otherwise I'd probably end up going into a parallel 'roid rage fit over just about anything.  
My patience is thinner than normal. So I have to be slower to speak and take longer to think about things. Again, I blame hormones. And I also blame the pain I feel quite often. Being reduced to part time at work has helped, but let's face the music. Until this baby gets here, I'm going to have to bite my lip and deal with muscular pain, popping and grinding joints, headaches, lack of sleep, and the overall feeling of discomfort. But as they say, its all worth it in the end. 

Here's even more fun that comes with being a parent - having your words thrown back at you in such a way, that you have to stop and rethink them. Not sure how that goes? Well, I gave you one example with the Golden Rule conversation. But imagine this... My supervisor asked her son, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" We have all heard that one, right? Heard it, said it... Well, his answer is classic. "Well, maybe. There's water under it, right? And you did it before too. So why not?" Ever had a moment like that? No? Just wait, you will. Unless you are raising a useless sheep that follows and  never has an original thought of their own.

Kids are smarter than we often give them credit for. They do take in what we say, what we do, and our reactions. They also have a tendency to mimic those things. Like mother, like daughter. Like father, like son. Those phrases aren't just for the fun of saying them. They are real truths, discovered by parents over years of observation. 
Which brings me to another challenge I'm facing. Standing up to my 3 kids' father and saying no to his requests for more time with them. Being a divorced parent is ugly. Even when the separation was relatively peaceful, as ours was. It brings hardships and transitions. Only my oldest seems to grasp the "why" of it all. My middle child doesn't care. And my daughter is only concerned with going to her dads to get spoiled. So I have had enough. I was nice about letting him take them repeatedly whenever it suited him. But I've come to realize the damage it causes. He doesn't enforce rules. He doesn't watch them and keep them safe as he's supposed to. And he uses them to pass time because he is "bored". Nearly eight years we were married. Nearly 8 years he had the chance to be a father. Almost 8 years he had to prove that he was willing to do what it took to be the man he needed to be, to love them as he should, to care and provide for them. And he wasted every bit of it. Now that we are mostly out of his life, he has found himself alone, bored, and listless. He has nothing but his under-the-table Lego business to keep him company. Maybe the occasional moments with friends or family. And now, all the sudden, he can't get enough time with the kids. Sadly, I've decided he is a little too late. My kids are getting educated. They are learning discipline. They are learning rewards and consequences (a concept my Sales Manager painted clearly for me recently). I can't allow them to learn his bad habits. To be endangered by his lack of parental guidance. And be led astray by someone they don't really care for, but spend time with just so they can get whatever they want or do whatever they want. (Which is the reason they told me they go.) This is a part of parenting that hurts. And one that I hope they will come to understand in the years that follow. 
Being a parent is hard. Its the hardest job I'll ever know. But I face it. I hope and pray that I make it through in one piece. That my children become the greatest they can be. And become Nerds... 

I've come a long way...

I've been cleaning up and going through stuff. I've got a move or two to get ready for in this upcoming year. Going through pictures and packing them away, I got to glimpse my life in stages. To see my personal history in still frames, really puts it all in perspective. It renews the hopes I had for a brighter future. Some of the most memorable parts of my life's adventures, are in these photos below. I encourage you to look back and see how far you've come. No matter what you don't like now, find the things that you do like. Have you grown stronger? Wiser? Gained a special skill? Are you getting where you want to be? 

About this time, 17 years ago, I went under the knife for my first spinal fusion. I felt like a huge weight had been put on shoulders. I could move, but it was all stiff. There were nights when my pain was excruciating but I could barely move myself off the couch that had become my bed. Crying myself to sleep, I learned what true pain was. I also learned to manage it. To be stronger. It takes a lot to make me cry these days. Even more to make me turn to pain killers for relief. 

My next major life change was the day I become a mother. Since my spine is fused, I can't have an epidural. And considering how small a woman I am... I felt EVERYTHING. But my screams of pain were soon replaced with tears of sheer joy. I couldn't hold my little boy at first since I lost so much blood that I could only lay there shaking. But he was truly the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen. I'd take that pain again any time to relive that moment. 

Now I'm a mother of three. I work a full time job, juggle life, and strive to stay ahead of the chaos. I have a long way to go to reach the dream I currently have. But I'm taking it a step at a time. 

My vacations end has come...

I'd like to think that I have accomplished much during my time off. Today marks my last day of vacation. I'm managing my husbands business, raising 3 young ones, and trying to keep a tidy home. I gotta admit, I just about broke down on day 3. It took several deep breaths and a moment of music while pulling an order for my absent husband to think of everything and get the emotions in check. It also took a text from my best friend telling me it would get better. Just those little things made the calm return so I could focus on getting every task completed.
I've accomplished more than I thought was possible. I pulled all but the latest order for my husbands business. And that's only because it came in late last night. I even took a chance on taking my kids to Target on a Saturday evening without losing my mind! We went to the park nearby on Sunday and I let them run wild.

Can you imagine how well they slept afterwards??

Monday, I got my sons stitches removed.

We went to the Lego store after I had a friend watch them so I could run errands. I needed a quick break away from them as I was feeling a little burnt out. My spirits always brighten after a trip to the local Lego store. Why? Because the employees are not just the guys stocking shelves. They are like friends! Taylor is huge nerd and I absolutely LOVE catching up on the news of what's what with him. Guess what?! New Ghostbusters set coming out next month!!

But I'm getting carried away with my nerdiness...
I've learned a few things during my time off. First off, I am WAY too OCD for my kids. I think I must have swept the floors at least half a dozen times daily. Secondly, I should face the music and realize that in between meals I'm lucky to complete one task. Thirdly, for every mess I cleaned, two more popped up. Mostly when I heard the silence. You other moms know what that sounds like. Its that ominous, up-to-no-good sound void. Every time I was busy with something, so were they. And the way they blame each other... Okay so its my boys. My daughter doesn't tend to get into things like they do. But as soon as the jig is up, fingers point and voices try to climb over each other until I yell, "Enough!" My oldest spent a lot of time filling up his bathroom sink with water and adding toys. My youngest and only little girl didn't want to eat very much. Things I used to make her all the time like peanut butter sandwiches weren't appetizing for her this past week.

She's doing a little more eating but not of the things I'd prefer her to eat. It was driving me insane when it all came together.
My best friend told me to relax. I did what I always do - laughed. Moms don't relax. They don't get real vacations. They sign away their lives the minute that test reads positive for a new life being made. They also lose that "perfect" body they had. I tried to sit down every once in a while. But then I feel lazy and tired and don't want to get moving again. So back to work I'd get. And then I ran into an old friend of mine. We hadn't kept in touch much over the past couple years but it was good to see a friendly face. He complimented me on how well I looked having carried and delivered three kids. And then he asked me something that most people don't. "What's your secret? How did you get back to looking so amazing, so quickly?" What I wanted to answer was the same way I do when anyone talks about how I look, "Oh you know, eat healthier and less while being crazy active!" But let's face reality and answer the truthful way, "Stress. I'm always stressed about something." Then came another question that gave me pause, "When you look in the mirror, what do you see?" I could've said, "I see an amazing nerd!" Which is what I tell people often. But again, deep down, I don't believe it. "A worn out mom." A tired, worn thin, stressed out, mid-twenties, young mother who struggles to be the perfect woman and do everything right. And then considers herself a failure when she can't meet her goals... 

This friend of mine often seems like the carefree, almost on the verge of being a hippie type but occasionally he says something deep and meaningful that makes you think. His response was along the lines of how sad it was that I don't see what others do, so clearly. And that it's a way of thinking embedded deep within the neurons that needs to change. He told me to instead look in the mirror and tell myself what I am. Or what I want myself to be. No, I can't tell myself to be the perfect balance of thin/weighted and have a good cup size up top. But I can change my attitude towards myself by telling my reflection that I'm beautiful, intelligent, and worth more than the time of day. I can also choose how to feel when others try to put me down. I can choose to accept their words for truth or say, "No. I know better and you can't get me down." His words sparked something that others never did. And now the encouragement that others have offered has new meaning as well. I may be tired. I might be stressed out. But from now, I'm going to think of myself more positively. And hopefully one day, I'll see myself through others' eyes. 

Don't let life pass you by....

How many times do you find yourself looking around and wondering where time has gone? I know it hits me like a wall of bricks at least once a month. Okay... maybe once a week. Truth is, life passes by way too quickly. We get so wrapped up in the business of day-to-day life, that we miss all the amazing moments that create the big picture.
I know I sure do. I spend so much time working, cleaning, cooking, and seeing to the details of family life... I miss out on the little things that normally bring me joy.

I work before the sun comes up until late morning/early afternoon. When I get home, I have to clean and possibly run all the errands. My three kiddos make their demands and I try to fill them. My husband lays out his list and I try to accomplish those goals. Everyone wants something and some days it seems I'm the only one to deal with it all. Lunch time comes and goes in a blur. Before I know it, the house is clean, but now its time to cook again. Dinner gets made, mouths are fed, and again I'm cleaning. Then, before I can blink, its time for a shower and sleep so I can wake up bright-eyed and bushy pony-tailed at 2AM for another shift. How does it pass me by so quickly??
Somehow I have to fit in home school, behavioral development of three kids aging 5 and under, and those self-set goals. All this, while desperately trying not to sit or fall asleep. I sit = I fall asleep.
My self-set goals are to get those six pack abs back. Even though I've had 3 kiddos, love to eat, and am often too tired to workout after all the working I do daily. I know its probably impossible, but I'll be darned if I don't give it a try anyhow.
I want to finish my degree in Criminology. But how? I work full time, home school, and keep up with life's demands.

I want to pay off all those debts that weigh me down and keep me from getting that dream home of my own. But that just means another few years of working 40+ hours a week and cutting back on all things not needed for survival. Okay, not that strict...
So many wants with no time to accomplish them. And at the end of the day, I find myself looking back with regret. If I had just finished this, if I had just taken another moment to do that, maybe I should wash that last dish... The list goes on. I know I shouldn't. After all, a Mother needs her rest too. And no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be that fabled Super Mom. Let's face it, she doesn't truly exist. We can only do our best. We can learn from our mistakes. We can try to be better. Practice doesn't make us perfect, but it brings us closer to perfection. Don't strive for perfection. You will go mad in the process. Strive instead, to be your best. And to be happy with that. Kiss the kids often, take a moment to relax, and try to remember the little things that bring you joy!

"Well-behaved women seldom make history." ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History

It's moving time again....

May I just start by saying... I HATE moving! It's miserable, time consuming and seems to be a strong supporter of holding me back.  In the little over 6 years I've been married we have moved about... 7 or 8 times? Including one very long and draining move across the country from Texas to Florida... with 3 small children in a Buick LeSabre with a trailer about the size of or slightly larger than my car trailing behind us. Besides the few hilarious moments when my deaf husband would do the fist pump so that truckers would honk as we went by, it was tiring. My back and legs ached and on parts of the drive I almost went off the highway when extreme exhaustion hit me like a sledgehammer. You see, I'm the only driver. And that's about 20 hours of driving with minimum stops. Plus I get to listen to the children complaining in the backseat, worry about the trailer dragging behind and wish I was alone on a sandy beach listening to anything besides the kids soundtrack CDs that I now have just about memorized. I've moved during pregnancies in the hottest parts of summers. I've packed entire apartments very nearly on my own while my husband slept during the day and worked overnight.
I hate moving. With a burning passion.
And yet, here I am again. Packing. Cleaning out. And preparing for another long move. 

 This time I'm transferring my job to another store so we won't have to end up living in a hotel while I scramble for work. And my husband is disabled. So there's some comfort. I've made friends here who are joining my other friends as online buddies. I feel like I'm abandoning my amazing coworkers here for the unknown folks of another store.
Housing arrangements are still in the air. My apartment here looks frightfully desolate as half of everything is in boxes already. And being OCD is driving me insane! I can't stand clutter, so having boxes stacked along the walls makes me feel like a freak from Hoarders.
Once again my children are showing signs of being unsettled as we have yet to firmly set roots anywhere.
So many questions swirling in my head. So many fears. Are my children ever going to have a good solid place to grow up? I sometimes feel like we go from apartment to apartment and they are like the puppies growing up in a pet store. They don't have room to run and play. To be free. For most of my childhood, my parents had houses. I went bike riding, roller blading, running, climbed trees... I had adventures. I want the same for my kids. But I'm always struggling. We can only afford so much. And time is quickly passing us by. Between work and getting daily chores done, we seem to miss the times of taking the boys fishing, going to the park, or visiting family and friends.
To make matters worse, my husband spends at least 2-3 hours (broken up in intervals between his gaming) to "talk" about what sort of housing situation I want. All the while knowing that I'm going to give the exact same answer I have been giving for the past month because we both know where we will end up in the end despite our best efforts for the ideal home. A house would be amazing. But at this point I'd settle for a 2 bedroom apartment so long as we get to where we are going and have a place to rest after the move. And so long as the one sided "discussions" finally end.
There are still the daily activities that come with being a working mother. Preparing and cleaning up after 2 meals a day, organizing the packing scene and de-cluttering, home schooling two highly active boys who get ants in their pants when told to sit still, working part time 3 days a week, and then trying to get enough sleep to keep me out of the zombie zone.
Some mornings I hear the "Mom" alarm and want to hit the snooze button (if only there was one). But the voices get louder. And they multiply.

I've been working on getting them ready for the move. I made up a backpack of toys, bought some fun packs from the Dollar Spot at Target, and tried telling them what's happening. They look forward to seeing their Oma and Papa. I got them in on "helping" me pack the toys...

 Finally there is the "Going Away" project. You know when you are going far enough away that you won't see the people you are close to for quite some time. So you plan shindigs and soirées to see everyone to say goodbye. Only it's hard to find those times. Most of them are later at night. Then comes writing those heartfelt goodbyes. I believe that when you truly mean it, you write it. Not just say it.
All of this leads to the choice of curling up  in the fetal position whilst growling at any who dare approach... Or rolling with the punches and taking it one step at a time. I'm still fighting the urge to take the first option.
I know that the next few months will be a completely different nightmare. On top of being in a new place, I'll be starting over in a new store as the new girl all over again. Let's be honest, I don't make friends well. I hide in my shell until someone forces me out. Ask my best friend. She literally scared the friendship into life. Then she dragged me into her circle of friends of our workplace adding two other besties to my life long pals list. I think that's sorta how it worked out in my latest job as well. The outgoing, friendly people pulled me in and one of them even gave me a run down on everyone else so I didn't come out feeling like a total stranger around everyone. Now I'm starting over...
School is going to be put on hold. Again. 6 years is a long time to put college on hold. Especially when you had so few classes left towards your degree.
So much to do. So little time. Sadness, frustration, anxiety... all tugging away at what's left of this moms sanity. I certainly hope for the best, fear the worse and will do everything I can to make it the best transition possible! Thanks for listening to my craziness. Feel free to tell me what you think about it in a comment below.

Encouragement for the down trodden

Some days are harder than others. Today is turning out to be one of those days. My youngest son refuses to sleep on his own so after he falls asleep, I typically go lay down and a few hours later he comes to find me and lies down next to me. Depending on how tired I am I may not even notice until I roll over and there he is. This morning (much like most mornings) he wakes me up at 6:30 AM asking for his cup.  I told him to go back to sleep and tried to roll over but he answers no. Its time for mommy to get up and get to work. I struggle to roll out of bed and feel around the dresser for my glasses. I’m blind as a bat and feeling big as a cow since I’ve just passed the 32 week point in this pregnancy. I grab a diaper and we head to the kitchen to get his cup. He now wants me to turn on the TV but I’m trying to cut back on how much they watch. Even the educational shows these have questionable content and have my kids saying or doing things that makes me wonder, “Where in the world did you learn that?!” By now my oldest son has stumbled in and wants his drink too. They sit down on the couch with their cups and want the TV on. So I turn on Chuggington and begin contemplating what to make for breakfast. Here’s the deal – my husband works overnight. And he doesn’t drive. So at night I take him to work and in the morning I have to go pick him up. It can be quite a pain at times. I never know when he will get off work. More than once I’ve started cooking a big breakfast (eggs, sausage, toast, etc.) only to have him tell me he’s ready for me to come pick him up. Very annoying for someone who is OCD about completing tasks.

This morning I opted for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Not the healthiest, I know, but quick and easy. They finished eating and I began my cleaning. Vacuuming the whole apartment, finding a hole in my sons windowsill, washing the dishes, starting the dryer again since it didn’t dry the clothes completely (AGAIN), and going about getting the boys dressed and ready for when daddy finishes work. 7:30 rolls around, I’m out of breath and getting packages ready to be mailed (my husband has an online business selling Lego’s). I get a text, time to leave and pick him up! We get buckled in and head out. Wouldn’t you know it? Traffic as far as I can see down 1604. What normally takes me about 10 minutes now takes about 40. During our car ride, the boys are in the back seat getting restless. “Mom, go faster!” “Mom, he take his shoes off.” “Mom, we go to daddy HEB?” Now I’m wishing my car could fly….

Finally get to my husband’s job, pick him up and its smooth riding back home. From the corner of my eye I can see my husband signing. Once again its complaints about how tired he is, his aisle was a mess and he needs to get home and get to sleep since he has to work early tonight because of inventory. I tune him out and just nod occasionally. I’m feeling exhausted already and yet my day hasn’t really begun.

Once home I get the packages ready for the mail, have my husband start copying some paperwork I need mailed out today, get the boys ready for their bath, and try to prepare myself for a long day. My husband is frustrated that I need this paperwork ready this morning (I’ve told him I’d need it for the past 2 days already). He doesn’t like having to rush unless it’s something he really wants.

Finally everything is done that really needed to get done. He gets in the shower, the kids go play, and I take a moment to catch my breath and read. My mom had given me some pamphlets on marriage and living better. The first one I pick up is by Dr. James Dobson. I’ve heard him before. When I was still living with my parents we listened to a Christian radio station that often played Dr. Dobson clips. This one is titled Values in the Home, and is supposed to offer 38 principles that Dr. Dobson “has drawn from a lifetime of experience in Christian living and in human experience”. The one that seemed to shout to me right away was #7: Human worth does not depend on beauty or intelligence or accomplishments. We are all more valuable than the possessions of the entire world, simply because God gave us that value. This fact remains true, even if every other person on earth treats us like losers.

I really needed to hear that. Some days, like today, I get to feeling like I took the wrong path in life. That everything is headed downhill permanently. I want to throw in the towel and say, “I’m done!” Nothing more, I’m done. Statements like the one above, however, remind me that it’s just one of those days. As quick as it came and as bad as it may have been, it will be gone. Tomorrow will be a new day with new challenges and possibilities.

Further down at #8: Strong desire is like a river. When you have a strong desire for something the outcome can go 1 of 2 ways. If it’s the right kind of desire – things can go well. If you desire something that shouldn’t or isn’t meant to be – you will be very unhappy when things don’t go well.

#10: Comparison is the root of all feelings of inferiority. The moment you begin examining other people’s strengths against your most obvious weaknesses, your self-esteem starts to crumble! Everyone is strong and weak in various abilities. Comparing yourself or your life with someone else’s (probably because they seem to be doing so much better than you), leads to unhappiness and resentment towards them. It’s also a waste of energy. Some people may seem to have the perfect life, but underneath they are struggling just as hard if not harder. They put on a mask to make others think all is well and hide the reality.

#13: If you’re going through difficult times today, hold steady: It will change soon. If you are experiencing smooth sailing and easy times now, brace yourself: It will change soon. The only thing you can be certain of is change.

#17: One of the secrets of successful living is found in the word balance, referring to the avoidance of harmful extremes. We need food, but we should not overeat. We should work, but not make work our only activity. We should play, but not let play rule us. Throughout life, it will be important to find the safety of the middle ground, rather than the imbalance of the extremes.

I could go on with other encouraging words from this pamphlet but I have 2 little boys who need a nap and laundry that needs to get done…. So I’ll end for now and maybe write more later. I hope someone out there reads this and has a brighter day. You are worth more than all the world and its riches, so don’t let anyone or anything get you down for too long.