Discovering Our Quirks

Human beings have quirks. A quirk is a peculiar trait. I like to think that we all have them. I consider mine to stem from being OCD. Little by little, I'm learning about them as my husband notices and points them out. It has been a fun journey for us both! I thought I would share some of mine. I'd love to hear what quirks you might have, so leave me a comment below!

Eggs

We usually buy eggs in packs of 18 to feed our brood. I have this thing where I have to pull the eggs out in a pattern that distributes the weight as evenly as possible. I also can't cook, say... scrambled eggs, unless they are in even numbers. More on that below... My husband likes to make it a joke when I ask how many eggs he thinks I should cook. When he answers ,"Seven!", he will get a straight up glare from me for a brief moment followed by my response of, "So will that be 6 or 8?"

I. Can't. Odd.

I can't stand odd numbers. Maybe 5. And on the very rare occasion, 3. But that is all. Those two are only because of how well I can split them. In my head. Hard to explain, it just makes sense in my mind... As much as possible, I try to keep with even numbered things though. My husband and I had a conversation about this the other day that had him laughing so hard, he almost wet himself. Let's see... Even numbers to me are "pretty" while odd numbers are "ugly". In my head, 3 and 5 can be split in half in a pretty way. Other numbers can't. Can't describe it any clearer than that. But there it is. I'm not ashamed to admit this at all. I tell him all the time he just has to deal with it.

Media in order

All my books will have to be ordered according to series or authors. Granted, this can only truly happen when we live in our next home. At that point, I'm planning to have at least a library wall. And yes, books will practically be in library form. Just without the Dewey system. 

All our movies have to be by series or alphabetical. When the kids start messing up that order, I can't seem to resist the urge to fix it for long. It doesn't look right. I don't feel right. This is why I have to avoid looking at the shelves that have been dedicated to the children's things. My husband laughs, because when the kids were little, I used to sort their toys too. I had toy cars in one bin, stuffed animals in another, action figures - you get the picture, right? I think is one reason why I loved working for a library in my early career years. 

Vacuuming or sweeping in a grid

Bear with me on this one... I annoyed my coworker to no end with this one at Target. But when I sweep or vacuum, my mind can see a grid. And I work in that grid. I can't move diagonally across the floor. I go back and forth in lines. 

So lay it out there. Do you have a "weird" quirk that others might notice? Do you twist the doorknob 3 times before opening it? Do you open the cabinet doors multiple times before getting something out? 

6 Gift Ideas When Christmas Shopping for Nerds

There are so many types of suggestion lists for gift ideas. For Moms, Dads, Him, Her, Teachers - even for Pets! You know what I don't see enough of? Ideas for Nerds. And the best thing about us, is how easy we can be to gift. Check out some of the best things I have found recently. 

I start with two things we saw at Wal-Mart. Around this time of year is when they start putting out cool things that you have wished for, and you didn't even know it! 

Minecraft Throw 3-piece set: This is an awesome set for any age. Minecraft lovers can curl up on the couch with a small pillow and throw during those lazy winter days. The fold-able cube can be used to store them when not in use or used for something else entirely. Better yet, these are being sold for less than $20! 

Minecraft Builders & Biomes board game: This is awesome! As a family who loves both board games and Minecraft, this is the best of both worlds. I haven't tried it out (yet!), but hope to one day. According to their website it is $25. 

 

Fragrant Jewels bath bombs: I came across an Instagram ad for these and would really love to try them one day. These are more for the lady nerds out there. Maybe I'm alone in this category, but I LOVE surprises. Bath bombs, candles, mystery packs - just can't get enough. Probably the thrill that draws me in. The Dragon Egg bath bomb is what caught my eye. They even have the winter one that looks gorgeous and has white themed stones instead. But after looking a little deeper on their website, I saw several that were pretty cool - nerdy and otherwise! Plus, you can get 15% off with this code - MYGIFT15 at checkout. Or throw in your email address and try for free shipping! There is something fun about the element of surprise. You can get candles or bath bombs, each one comes with a hidden ring inside.

For the cool Moms - Jedi Mom shirts! Etsy is amazing. They have wonderful things you didn't know were possible. For the Star Wars fan moms out there, why not show them how the Force is with them or that they are the Jedi Mom.

Speaking of Etsy, I ordered my husbands amazing Christmas gift from there. I present to you the Portal Inspired bookends by DVAMakerStudios!

Now, let's talk about handmade gifts that are fairly simple. The first one just requires a laminator. Everything else is optional. 

I made each of my kiddos a bookmark a while back. They are super simple, super inexpensive, and bring a level of love that can only come from those who know others well. Stickers, printed designs, hand drawn art - your imagination is your only limit. Think of the bookworm you care about. Who are their heroes? Who do they love to read about? Start with that. Create the bookmark they won't ever want to part with. Then finish it by laminating it. My strongest suggestion would be to make it of cardstock, however. This way it will stay more rigid.

I really want to try this next one - A book clutch! Talk about the perfect night out accessory. I'm a huge fan of books. So having one as a purse, just seems natural.

Well, that is my list. What else can you think of? Any cool Star Trek ideas out there? Gamer themes that rock your nerdy world?

Apps We Wish There Were

 I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has heard the phrase, "There's an app for that." If you were to scroll through the app store, I'm sure you would find there is nearly an app for every single desire any given person might have. However, there are some apps that I find are seriously missing from the mix. And I'm curious as to what you think about them as well. So here is a list of apps I think would make life... interesting, to say the least.

1. The Find My Prince app - This could also be to find your princess. But let's not say it's simply another dating app. No, this application would be something far more intricate. This app would alert me as to when, where and how I'm to meet my shining other half. After all, how many of us wish we hadn't had to go through 1-??? bad relationships before we found the soulmate we now hold dear? How many of us wish we could just simply stroll through life until the alert goes off before we have to worry about if this one or that one could be THE ONE? Granted, on the flip side, we wouldn't be stronger, braver, raise our self esteem, etc. if we knew all the details. Right? So as amazing as it would be, I suppose it would really dull things too...

 

2. Haggle Cadabra - How many of you wish you could negotiate prices everywhere you go? Do you have the skills to do so at yard sales and flea markets? This app would allow you to say the right things to get the price you want by putting the wording directly on your screen! Or upgrade to the Mega Haggle Cadabra and have your voice simulated through your phone to do all the talking for you. Watch the savings flow freely! 

3. The Un-Calorie Diary - What if you could be rewarded for all those calories you didn't eat? Let's say you didn't have those extra 2 cookies with your sandwich. You input the foods you didn't eat, it will figure out how many calories you avoided, and then deduct that from your weight! I think I'd lose weight a lot faster if this was my reward system. I can't handle counting calories. I can't stand being told what not to eat. So reward me when I make a good choice and I will be more willing to keep it up! Let's even take it a step further - tell me when I have reached my limit of chips. If you are like me, you have those moments where you could eat the whole bag because they are just that good and no one will stop you. This app monitors each chip you crunch down and sounds an alarm when you have reached the maximum of your serving.

4. Husband and Children Translator app - The most important part of a healthy relationship is communication. Despite this, one of the top reasons a relationship fails or couples divorce is failure to communicate. Not always because we don't speak, but because we don't seek to be understood by speaking clearly. Or, even more so, we miss each other's meanings when we interpret it the way we think they are saying it. Same goes for our children, if you think about it. My son has a tendency to say things that he finds hilarious, however, they come off insulting. Like the day he looked at me and said, "Mom, you're not fat. You're just fluffy." Great. I'm not a giant mass. I'm a marshmallow. In his way, he was trying to make me feel better about how I look to myself. In my mind, he's making me feel worse. Our significant others sometimes do this too. On the flip side - be prepared to have your mind blown if secrets are revealed...

5. Drab to Fab app - We look in the mirror, shrug, and tell ourselves that we look good enough or great. But what if we missed something? After all, I can't see all of my backside. Can you? What if we had an app for that? It could take a 360 degree look at us and tell us what we are missing. A better color lip gloss? Hair up or down? This earring or that? With or without the scarf? We would never have to second guess our style again.

Oh This Generation

At only 29 years old, I have come to find that I now belong in the category of the "older generation". I don't fit in, mentally, with the millenials. I'm not with "it" anymore. Not that I ever really wanted to be. "It" was usually stupid and fleeting in its existence. No, I don't belong among my age group. 

This past Sunday, and I think part of Saturday, I had heard some interesting things about what this generation will never understand. It followed a tweet about things that you remember that others would not. Like what a pager/beeper was. Remember those? Mostly popular among business people and medical workers, but lots of people used them. Before cell phones were in everyone's hands. And cell phones... Well... My first one was the kind that flipped open. You had the single number keypad that had letters assigned to each number. You had to hit each number a certain amount of times to get to the letter you wanted. Texting was a pain in the butt. Or who recalls  what 411 meant? Remember when we said, "Just give me the 411." It was an information service. That is no longer needed with computers the size of our palm. But when we asked each other for the 411, we simply wanted the straight up information. 

Answering machines. Oh wow... that was when we had phones plugged into the wall. It was called a land line.  And if someone called when you weren't home, they could leave a message. You were expected to call them back eventually.

I recently heard a radio personality talking about when her son saw the phone book on the doorstep. He comes in and tells her, "Someone left a library book at the front door." Her confusion was turned to humor when she saw what he was referring to. She actually had to explain what it was. His response, "But your phone already has everything you need in it!" *Shaking my head* That is probably true for newspapers. This generation might say those are for old folks.

How many of you remember what real music was? I can tell you it was nothing like the run-of-the-mill pop stuff we have today. Beyonce can't hold a candle to what I grew up with. Like MC Hammer sang, "You can't touch this!" Songs actually had deeper meanings. You could follow the words. Voices didn't need synthetic additives to build them up. They just naturally sounded good. And in the 90's, synthesizing was the new "cool" thing in music. And you know what? CD's were just starting to come around.

Yes, we actually listened to cassette tapes at first. In our BOOMBOX! I thought CD's were cool though. And I loved getting my first player. iPods were not invented yet. You had this mini CD player that was only about 2 inches bigger than the CD. It didn't clip to anything though. You had to hold it in your hand. But I thought I was so cool. I could take my music with me! Now, everything is digital. And mostly on YouTube or Pandora.

When I was in school, we actually went to the public library for research. I didn't have reliable computer access. The World Wide Web was barely getting started. As a matter of fact, we had dial up! Remember that awful sound? And better let everyone know you will be online so they don't pick up the phone and you lose connection. 

Gaming. Let me tell you what it was like for me. Board games were what we knew most of. Monopoly, Life, Yahtzee. My cousins were lucky. They played Street Fighter. For a while, my brother and I played Duck Hunt. Anyone else remember that? Stupid dog would laugh when you missed that duck. I wanted to shoot him instead! My husband actually had more gaming in his life. Granted, his mother and siblings were, and still are, all gamers. He has an Atari! And a GameCube! Those were not around long enough. Now, though, kids are getting into more interactive game play. Virtual Reality and Augmented Reality. 3D games and movies. Did you watch everything on VHS like I did? My husband still has his player and some movies. We were so curious about these new things called DVD's. Now, we have BluRay too. Or you can subscribe and "stream" everything from Netflix. Stream. Had I heard that word as a kid, I thought you were talking about a water source. Maybe had trout in it...

Kids these days... And I don't just mean those under 18. I'm thinking of any of them up to 25 at least. They just won't understand what it was like. I'm sure those who are in their late 40's and up look at my age group with the same thoughts. I talked to a friend who actually learned computers back when you had to type the commands into it to get it to do anything. There was no such thing as an Operating System. Now our phones have them! Heck, computers and phones talk to us now.  And we used floppy disks! There was no USB, Flash Drives, External Hard Drives. No, we carried a floppy to transfer files from one place to another. I had gem colored ones!

What about you? What can you say that you remember from your younger years that anyone under 25 would not have the faintest idea about now? And likewise, what is one thing you are so glad we have now that you never had then, but you think is just awesome? Leave me a comment and let us reminisce about the times gone past. About being that "older generation" together.

The volcano in the diaper

This morning had a scene that could've been pulled from slapstick comedy. Baby girl had had quite the diaper dilemma. As my title reveals, her rear end turned into a volcano that erupted to the point of diaper failure. As the smell reached me, I grabbed a new diaper and wipes thinking I'd do a quick change. But she had a huge surprise awaiting me. I pulled her single-handedly from the walker she so happily was enjoying and did a Mom maneuver that would put me Indian-style on the floor with her on my leg and diaper and wipes on the floor next to us. It was at this point that I realized she felt a little wet. I thought she had spit up her bottle again and that it had gotten on her leg. But as I looked down, while shifting her to the prone position  on the new rug in front of me, I noticed the color of digested greens all over her feet. My eyes took in the full spectrum of the mess. It was on her feet, legs, her clothes, my pants, my foot, the walker, and a lovely, large pile on the floor. Now we just bought this rug using funds gifted to us by his sister for our wedding present. And of all places to leak, she did so on the white part of the red, gray and white patterned rug.
From that moment on, was a comedic series of events. My husband was dumbfounded as he came to see why I was suddenly calling out the baby's name in surprise. He told me to tell him what to do because he was at a loss. At this point is when my brain kicked in again and I was able to formulate a strategy to battle the mess. I told him to grab a bag. I immobilized the baby and starting cleaning her up a bit. I had him scooping up what he could and dumping it into the bag. Then came the time to spray and scrub the floor. I told him a bath was required for this level of dirtiness. To spray the spot heavily and I would get to it when I finished cleaning the baby up. Especially since he had just gotten home from working over night and needed to eat before heading to bed.
He of course took it on by himself though. I got in the tub and commenced scrubbing feces from myself and the little lady. I called for his assistance and he told me the rug might need to be thrown out. 
"Is it not coming out with the cleaner?", I queried.
"I don't have high hopes." Not the answer I was hoping to hear. I paid good money for our rug. I liked that rug. I wasn't willing to scrap it at the first accident. Then I start questioning him about how bad it really was and came to find that it wasn't entirely the fact there was a slight stain left. It was because of what had caused the stain that left him feeling uneasy about the continued use of the rug. 
So typical of a new dad! Or of a man in general. The thought that crap was on the rug, bothered him more than the fact that there was a slight stain. The latter bugs me, because I'm OCD about stuff like that. Its at this point, though, that I start laughing. And I inform him that I'm not throwing it away just like that. I will do what I can to get rid of the stain and that he will have to get used to bodily fluids that can leave stains. After all. We have a 7 month old baby. She will make messes. And he will come to find that unless he has an endless supply of money flowing, you have to get over it. 
After finally getting her cleaned up, we checked the rug. Yes, there is a slightly darker shade on part of the rug.

Its clean though! After all that, she ended up throwing up on the rug repeatedly throughout the day. It won't remain pristine. Nothing does when you have kids. Why else do I tell him often, "This is why parents can't have nice things!" But its worth the hassle. We do what we do for our babies. No matter the mess. No matter the frustration. No matter the smells, sights, and exhaustion that accompany them. We do all from unconditional love. 
Now that I have shared, I'm curious. How many of you have such stories or experiences you have gone through?

Who needs Monday?

Is it just me, or do most Mondays suck? Even more so after a weekend that is bittersweet. We had a great time with Free Comic Book Day, but we also had sickness to battle. My 7 year old left school on Friday, throwing up and feverish.

That afternoon and night he seemed to sleep it off. Saturday we had fun. Saturday night into Sunday morning, right back to the grind. This is a crazy illness. No other symptoms beyond vomiting and fever. Plus it is sudden. Saturday night my oldest and my 4 year old simultaneously began vomiting. Between running back and forth to each child, running up and down the stairs with laundry, and then waking up to a sick fiance who left work early from the same illness... I'm ready for today to end  already. And it's only just after 3PM! Amazingly enough, they are acting as though they had a full recovery. Playing, yelling, and being their normal selves. My fiance... not so much. He's still struggling against his fever and a queasy stomach. 
I also have the other kids I'm watching today. With them, lots of snotty nose-wiping. 

So I propose that we skip Monday and go straight to Tuesday. No one needs it, right? Right?! What about you? Are you a Monday person? Glad for the weekend to be over so you can be around people again?

Or do you dread it like the plague?

Traveling with children

All children are special. They say the darnedest things. Or see things in a way you don't. My kids do it all the time. I either scratch my head and wonder how that came to light with them or laugh until I could wet myself. On our trip, my oldest definitely had me laughing. 

I hear the seatbelt click as its being taken off. 

Me: Put that seatbelt back on!

Stephen: But mom, I need to fart. 

Me: .... So?! Put it back on. Then fart. 

Stephen: I can't fart if I'm sitting down. 

Me: *facepalm* What...? You have to wear a seatbelt so long as we are driving, son. So find another way to fart or wait until we stop again. 

We drive on and I fall asleep in the front. When we stop for gas, I change into shorts and brush my teeth. My oldest starts waking up and hands me a bottle with yellow liquid inside.

I've made enough long distance trips to know what's in the bottle. 

Stephen: *smiles* Guess what's in the bottle, mom! 

Me: I don't have to guess. I already know. Why did you pee in the bottle instead of asking us to stop? 

Stephen: Because you were taking too long to stop and I couldn't hold it. So I just had to pee in the bottle. 

I'm just going to be proud of him for not wetting himself. 

Later we get out of the car to grab a bite to eat. Immediately after jumping out the side, my middle child whips it out and starts peeing in the lot. I turn around and ask why?! "I had to pee. Oh and I peed while I was sleeping so my clothes are wet." 

In my head I'm thinking, there's a place with lovely restrooms just a few steps away. Nope, just couldn't wait. Had to show off those family jewels to the traffic-filled road and restaurant full of people. Way to go, son. 

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail: Part 5 I'll Have Your jobs!

Retail gives you more than experience in work. It gives you extra patience, a better outlook on your own intelligence level, and humorous stories to relive over and over. I've been witness to all sorts of things. I've seen a child burst into tears and tell his mother that she was "breaking" his heart because she wouldn't get the candy he wanted. I've had little girls want high fives on their way out.
Sometimes though, you come across people who are out to ruin the night with their bad attitudes. We have some of those that are regulars. Known for making trouble and being verbally abusive. Like the one that stopped by last night. First time I've ever encountered her.
She came and loaded a cart with various items she wanted. Most of which were clearance. Then she remembered that she left her payment method at home. To the Guest Service desk she goes. "I want to leave this here while I run home to get my card. I'll be right back!" This was about 8 PM or a little before.
What's wrong with this scene? First, we don't hold clearance for anyone. Against Target policy don't you know! But we were trying to provide excellent customer service and doing her a favor. She did say she'd be right back... right? Secondly, 9/10 people who say "hold this for me" won't come back at all. Do you know how much food we throw out? How much merchandise we have to rush to put back out on the floor before closing time? All because someone didn't bring their money. Well, guess what happens next.
9:45 rolls around and that cart is still there. We have 15 minutes to get everything set up for closing and hope we get out on time. So I made the choice to reshop everything. I figured she was just like the other 9/10 people that says they will be back but never do. Clothing was picked up by the team members in that department immediately. Everything else went into the carts. 9:55 comes up and we are feeling great because closing time is almost here and we have everything ready so we can walk out as soon as we verify no one is in the store. But here walks in Trouble... Yep. She came back in. 5 MINUTES BEFORE CLOSING!
"Where is my cart?!"
"Well, ma'am, we returned everything to their rightful areas."
"WHY?"
"We are preparing for closing and you hadn't returned to the store."
"I said I was coming back, didn't I? Don't assume I'm like the 98% who say they will, but never do. That's wrong of you."
Then comes a long rant about wanting to call our store manager and how the security guard (me) will be escorting out this employee come tomorrow with a "Have a nice day and you're fired." She claims to have worked for a Target store before and knows company policy. She says we shouldn't have re-shopped everything until right at closing as that's the rules. There's a lot of things I wanted to say... But I was trying too hard not to laugh to open my mouth. And then she brought back a return to top it off! 5 minutes before closing?! What store did you work for, honey? Because I can tell you that 5 minutes before closing, all but 1 register is closed, all the reshop is put away and we are clearing the building of guests. We plan to go home ON TIME! We don't want to hear about your store. We don't care who you worked for or what region you came from. We are on a mission and nothing you say or do is going to change that. If anything, its going to make our resolve stronger. So zip it and move along.
I have to commend the incredible poise and dignity displayed by my coworker who was dealing with this piece of work. He didn't raise his voice, referred to her as Miss, kept a polite tone, and provided the best Vibe possible as if there weren't any issues at all. Then when her words didn't rattle him as she wanted, she turned to the rest of us and apologized for us having to work with "such a guy". My answer? "I LOVE working with him! He's a really great guy." Another coworker chimes in, "He's a great guy to work with." Another, "Oh, I like working with him! Don't apologize for us." The look on the lady's face was PRICELESS! I'd love to have a copy of it hung in the break room. She mumbled something about not understanding how we can stand it when half his coworkers and most of the guests she's met say how much they hate him. Sweetheart, we all know you are lying. He's one of the top performing employees of our store with some of the highest guest compliments given. I've worked with him for over a year and never heard a guest complain about him unless they were upset that he wouldn't bend the rules to fit their fancy. So shut the pie-hole and get out of my store. While she's ranting, I gathered what was left of her cart items and we rang them up for her. She freaks out at this and tells us no, because we are all going to be in trouble and she wasn't buying anything until she talks to the store manager. Then she grabs a bag that was on the counter and acts as though she's going to walk out with it. At this point I say, um, no! "Did she pay for that?" She stops and turns around then brings the unpaid for merchandise back. "Now I'm getting so upset that I forgot I didn't pay. Keep it!" And she throws it down. "Do you want us to hold these items for you to get tomorrow?"
"Yes, I do. You ruined my trip and now I have to start over."
"I remember your name started with a C but can you tell me the name again please, miss?"
"No! I already told you my name today and if you can't remember it, then you are out of luck."
"Well, miss I can't hold them if I don't have a name."
"Too bad. You hold them and remember my name." At this point she begins to walk towards the door. Before she even gets there I tell them to reshop everything. "If we don't have a name, we don't hold the items. Put everything in their carts." She stops at the door and starts yelling something about how we will remember her name tomorrow when we get fired for being such poor Target employees. Everyone was ignoring her though. Why give her the benefit of an audience when the performance was such a poor one? As soon as she was gone, there were high fives and cheers all around. Why? Because we are Target's finest. We don't let people bully us and heavens to Betsy, she wasn't going to ruin our night with anything she had!
The previous night we had a known trouble maker who tries repeatedly to fraud the system with coupons. Well, ma'am, the gig is up. We know your face and MO and its not happening. As a matter of fact, everyone has been warned. You might want to take your business out of town from now on. She always comes in at closing. She doesn't get to the checkout lanes until 5 minutes before closing. She has a stack of coupons, most of which don't match or aren't able to be processed without managers approval. We deny them because of her reputation. She's cursed at least half of the managers out. She is verbally abusive to the cashiers. She hates my guts as I won't leave the front until she does and will have no problem returning her icy stare. She promised to have us fired too. It didn't happen. She claimed Target gave her a $100 gift card. But she didn't spend it, so that's probably bogus too.
Then we have people who think its okay to solicit in the stores. Target is a privately owned company. Target stores are private property. They have a strict No Solicitation policy. You get caught doing it, you will be asked to cease or leave. Get caught a second time, you will most likely be asked to leave. A third time will result in trespass warnings or calling the police to trespass you. Step foot in that store again and you get arrested for violating a trespass warning. This particular guest thinks she should be exempt from that because she's promoting her book and no other guests asked her to stop. She has since screamed at another security guard, yelled at a manager, and now has added the front lanes leader to her "get fired" list. I've got news for you, its not going to happen!
A lesson from the wise... Don't come to Target with your attitude, people! Most especially not at closing time. Don't try to sell other guests something, we don't need your health food books. Don't use and abuse your coupons and you won't make it on our black list. You won't run us down. We just "ain't gonna take it!"

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 4: Are You Security?

So, you know I work in retail. I’m a security guard in retail. I wear a Navy blue uniform with a badge and name tag, carry a mini Mag Lite and even a pair of real handcuffs. Most days I can stand for hours in the front and basically people watch. You strike me as suspicious or look like our “regulars” I might even follow you through the store.
This is what I really look like at work. Remember this for later:

One nice day, I’m trapped inside watching everyone coming and going. This guy had just finished buying his stuff and walks towards me as he heads out the door.

A puzzled look crosses his face. “Are you security?” (Remember the picture above??)

In my head I’m saying, “No, I just randomly dress like security and waste nice days inside.”

“Yes, sir, I am,” I reply with my plastered on smile.

“Well, you are the cutest security guard I have ever seen,” he says with a wink.

What?! Cute?? I’m going for intimidating!!! Security guards aren’t meant to be cute. Okay maybe the really hot guys with guns are classifiable as cute, but not the skinny chick wearing hand me downs from the previous guy guards.

“Why, thank you, sir.” I have to be nice after all. Its retail, dont'cha know!

About five minutes later, another guy walks in.  This one is older, wearing a black shirt that says CATS (yes, as in the play) across the front and has eyes in the back. He stumbles my way and gets just a little closer than I’d like. “Are you security?” Alcohol breath flows hot and heavy into my face.

I’m strongly tempted to reply with a sarcastic, “Nope. I’m just playing dress up as a security guard today. Tomorrow I’ll be a princess with a purple pony.”

“Yes, sir. I’m security. Can I help you with something?”

“Well, if I ever get arrested, I hope you’re the one arresting me!”

*Insert metal head slap here* This is probably what he thinks he sees:

“Where’s the pharmacy at?”

I point and give directions. He leans too close and looks at where my finger is pointing.

A few minutes go by and he comes back by. I get a call warning me about a drunk who just bought cough syrup wearing a CATS shirt. Good times people. Now if they will just let me come to work looking like this....

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 3: The Missing Car Dilemma

I'm all for elderly having their independence and keeping their rights to live like they want. Just not when they can't remember something as simple as what they drove to the store in....
It's a nice afternoon. I'm standing at the front watching people as they come in and go out. It had been relatively peaceful that day.
The cart attendant comes up and asks if I was going to help "that lady". *Insert confused face here.*
"What lady?"
"That one". He points to the side door where two women are standing practically blocking the entrance.
"Which one? There are two. And why does she need my help?"
"I walked the whole parking lot with her because she lost her car."

Lost her car? I'm doing a mental forehead slap here as I walk over to this lady. She's got a cart full of merchandise that she just bought. She's blocking the entrance, talking to this other woman that's on the phone.
"Can I help you with anything?"
"Oh, yes! I can't find my car. I'm certain I parked it right here in front of the doors. And now it's not there!"
The other lady asks if she's sure it was the black car.
"Yes! I only have a little black car. I don't have another." The lady insists there's only one car.
"What about the green Miata? The dark green one?"

"I don't have a dark green car. It's black."
"Well, ma'am. I'd be happy to help you look for your car if you wanted me to." I mean that's my job, right? Helping people no matter how crazy they are...
"Oh that would be wonderful! Would you please?" She tries to turn and walk out the entrance doors only to find they won't open.
"Ma'am, the exit doors are this way."
We finally get outside and she keeps giving me the same description of a "little black car" that she "parked right here in front". We are standing at the side entrance though. I point to each black car I see and she keeps saying, "No, that's not it."
I'm beginning to think a cab would be a wonderful suggestion for her. We slowly go around to the front. I see a dark green Miata parked halfway down the lot to the side of the entrance. "Is that it? Oh wait, you said it was a little black car. That's a dark green Miata."
"Where?" She squints and puts her hand over her eyes even though dusk has already fallen. "Oh, my gosh! That's it! That's my car! How'd it get there? I thought for sure I parked closer to the door."
Another mental head slap.
"Thank you so much!"
Someone please take away her license before she forgets how to drive.

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail Returns (say that 5 times fast)

I thought you might enjoy another dose of humor. So here is a days worth of fun (triple bonus!). Hope you enjoy!

Popcorn brings out the strange in people….

I was standing at the front by the checkout lanes. Behind me is the Cafe. The gentleman working in there comes out to stand next to me and chat. An older lady comes up to us wanting popcorn.
"Right this way, Miss and I can get that for you," the employee says.
"What sizes do you have?" She asks.
"We have one size; small, medium and large - all rolled up into one," he tells her.
"I want a small!"
I couldn't help myself, I just had to walk away laughing.

Earlier that same morning there was someone else that went into the Cafe wanting popcorn. A deaf girl who was with her grandmother decided to pop in on their way out. Both were signing away as they finished checking out. As they neared the doors to exit, the girl stops and tells her grandmother she's going to get a drink and popcorn. The grandma says sure, go ahead.
So in walks the girl and orders her drink and a small popcorn. The lady behind the counter takes her order and hands her a cup. Then she pulls out the popcorn bag and fills it to almost overflowing. As the girl walks back to her grandmother, she has a puzzled look on her face. Her grandma asks why she got a bigger size.
"I didn't! I ordered a small and this is what the lady gave me."

That day must have been Crazy for Popcorn Day. And from it I have a third interesting fellow to tell you about.
He walks in and orders popcorn. But he tells the employee behind the counter that he only wants popcorn that is all the same color.
He wanted only buttered (yellow) or non-buttered (white) pieces in his bag.
"I'm sorry sir, I can't separate the popcorn. It comes as I scoop it into the bag."
A suggestion was made that we give him two bags: one full of popcorn, the other empty. Then he can separate his own!

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail

I’m back to working in a large, nationwide retail store. While retail can have its boring days, you set up a good sale or have boring weekends in town - people come out of the woodwork to shop. Or in some cases... Tornado weather strikes and people decide, "I've just got to have that bicycle!"
Just about every shift I have, I can clock out from with another story of the ridiculous, stupid, or maybe just BIZARRE variety that our small town has within its borders. This is where my stories come from. I am NOT making this stuff up! People really are like this. I’ve decided to share some of these and hopefully bring some smiles to the rest of humanity. So sit back, have a laugh, and try not to wet yourself.

Show and Ride

One day, I’m standing at the front lanes (where you check out), and this large tour bus group comes bursting in our doors. The types of people on this particular bus were foreigners on vacation.

One elderly gentleman walks over to me shaking. He asks, “Do I show you my ID?”

“Show me your ID? Why?” I’ve lost the plastered on smile I wear while working and have completely opened up to show my confusion. “Yes, this. My ID, here.” He hands me this piece of paper that is in Spanish. From it I can tell only that he had Parkinson’s disease, his name, and the country he came from. I again asked why he was giving me his identification paper. “I want to drive cart with motor.” He starts pointing his shaking finger at the motorized carts parked nearby.
I had to fight from busting out in laughter. “No, sir. You do not need an ID to drive that.” We walk over to them. I make sure it’s unplugged and tell him he can ride it now. “Is hard to drive?” Now I’m doing a mental head slap imagining this guy crashing into everything around the store or mowing people down. I would much rather someone push him around in the cart with the kiddie seats attached but suggesting such a thing might cost me my job…

So now begins the process of explaining how to use it... “First you have to sit down. Then you switch this to the ‘On’ position. These levers are for forwards and backwards. Just turn the handlebars to turn.”

“So like this?” The cart lurches forwards then jerks backwards. He gets this frightened look, but tries again. A huge smile spreads across his face and I begin to wonder if I just signed someone else’s death warrant. Maybe he should drive with the guy who rides his lawn mower to the store to do his shopping.

Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor)

Okay so most of you have probably already read this before. Its been going around the internet and emails for years. And no matter how many times I read it - I still laugh until my sides ache. So a little humor for your day!

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected to be a judge at a Chili cook-off in Texas, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

 CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

 CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

 CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks! ! !

 CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!

 CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like mess, to match my shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama? (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report)