Slipping Through the Cracks

At the beginning of a new year, you are supposed to be full of hope. You are supposed to be full of ambition. Your goals are set high because you believe in your ability to accomplish them. On day 10... I was losing that. 2017 had a lot of letdowns. I was trying to have a better 2018. 

I have lost the drive to seek medical treatment for the spinal issues that plague this body of mine. They say you get one yes after nine "no" answers in the business world. I'm beginning to feel that is a better chance than when seeking medical answers. I started receiving treatment when the pain hit a high note while working for Amazon in January of 2016. I went home in tears, daily. Since then...
I have tried chiropractic care.
I have tried steroid injections.
I tried getting a massage.
I have been taking pills in increased dosages for the past year or more.
I drink chamomile tea, take warm showers, sleep with a heating pad, and avoid too much activity when the pain level is starting to rise.
Since losing my job in March of 2017, I have been trying to get assistance for medical care. Believe it or not, on our single income and with 4 children, I don't qualify for Medicaid. I also can't get disability because I have not been specifically treated in the past year for this condition of mine. Haven't been able to without insurance and spare cash. And because I don't have insurance and will be paying for my visits in cash, I am not able to get anything past injections from a pain management physician that came highly recommended in San Antonio. 
A suggestion had been made that I should seek care from a medical school. I had this when my Mom got me braces. Schools have students that need practice. But they can't get real patients just yet. So you pay discounted amounts and the students use you under supervision of medical experts. I sought out one in San Antonio that is under a hospital. They told me that I didn't qualify because I am not a resident of their county. They gave me the number of a place that is 45 minutes away in another town. So I got everything together that I would need and sought out the Indigent Medical Assistance. My husband, baby and I sat for just over an hour waiting to be heard. Then I was told that I may not qualify. Why? The city I live in is split into 3 counties. One of which already told me I do not belong to them. So I have to find out and prove what county I am a resident of. My vehicle is registered in the county that told me I'm not in their jurisdiction, despite living within minutes of the city limits. The other hospital, so far away, says I have to prove where I belong. This program is for Indigent patients. You know you have fallen far when you are called an indigent person. Impoverished, needy. Yes, that's me. And yet, I am falling through the cracks of the programs designed to help those like me. This answer came right before the other doctors office told me they would only allow me steroid injections for cash payments. A simple consultation would cost me $200. The injections start at $300 and go up with additional fees for supplies and anesthesia. 
I have asked for referrals by medical professionals and friends. Advice on what they think I should do next. What I should try next. My list of dead ends is growing longer.
Hope is hard to hold onto when you reach this length or trials. I keep praying. I hear songs of encouragement to hold on to hope for even the impossible. Chronologically, I'm going on 30 years old this month. Physically, I'm pushing past 80. So it's time for plan B. Or whatever letter I'd be at now. Just to pray. They say there is great power in prayer. And when you have nothing else, it is what you cling to. 
My advice to others who are in this situation - pray. And then know what county you are in. Know what is out there. There is nothing that I have found for me, but every city is different. Some of these programs do serve people from other counties. They have a program extension. Sadly, that won't work in my case. And depending on where you are, I have heard from one worker that there are clinics that you can push for sliding scale prices based on your income. She said it is very difficult, but it is possible. You just have to live in their county and be prepared to sit and wait and refuse to be to told no. These are usually some type of community clinic. Not privately owned. 
Hope thins out when you are suffering with no relief in sight. But you have to look for the bright side of where you are. My mother reminded me of this. I have to believe that this situation is strengthening me for what is yet to come. I might not like the method, but the results will be worth it.

Psalm 56:4

In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

What a way to start the New Year...

Three days into the new year. A year that I was worried about before today's incident. I am already feeling dread towards the rest of what is to come.
I woke up early this morning with the baby. Before anyone else. After a diaper change and milk cup, she passed out again. I felt the tense pain even then, but at a manageable level. It had has been slowly building for the past couple days. So I didn't think much of it. I laid back down with the baby and my husband. Had to roll onto my side for a bit. Breathing was a bit more painful than it usually is. About an hour or so later, baby girl was ready to get up. I tried to roll over and lift myself up. A sudden, searing pain shot through me. My entire upper right side tensed to the point that I was gasping for breath and unable to move my muscles. I have a high tolerance for pain, but this brought me to tears and had my husband so worried that he threw on clothes and we rushed to the clinic. A clinic that was quite full already. We were there for at least 2 1/2 hours. 
In that time, my muscles slowly stopped with the spasms and release some of the tension. My right arm and hand had become slightly swollen and tingled in the fingertips. I could not look down without pain. I could not lean my head back without it hurting. I couldn't turn my head very much to either side. When I tried to remove my jacket, the spasm came back. I felt like such a hot mess. Not to mention the fact that I hadn't had the chance to brush my teeth, shower, brush my hair or even throw on a bra! So I'm sure I looked as much a mess as I felt... I just wanted it to stop. I pushed at my chest, wanting to pull out the muscles that were causing this pain. And it didn't help that the kids were all ready for lunch. They were sympathetic to understanding that I was hurting, but feeling cabin feverish from being stuck inside and in chairs when the day was finally nice enough to be outside! This was not the way any of us wanted to be spending our day. 
Finally, we saw the doctor. While I had peace of mind that it wasn't going to kill me, I still don't have a solid understanding of what caused it or how to keep it from happening again. The doctor said it most likely has to do with my back problems which are quite extensive. And made it clear that finding a doctor to treat  that would be best. He offered a pain injection and muscle relaxers. As I sit here, the pain is manageable. Not much less than it was when I was sitting across from him. The swelling is gone. I forced myself to move through each painful motion to get circulation flowing better. And then we come to the tension. I took my "little blue pill" of a muscle relaxer he prescribed. Still feeling pretty tight back there. I made the joke that little blue pills were supposed to be for my husband when he gets older. This way, he will be taking those to get firm. I am taking them to loosen up. 
I'm back at square one. In pain and unsure what to do about it. I've reached out to a pain specialist in San Antonio. Tomorrow morning they should be calling me to talk about what options they have for someone like me. No income, cash upfront and no insurance. Let's pray that they are merciful, but have hope to offer. 
And that I will finally move forward in treating the real issues in my spine.

Journey to Pain Relief: Chiropractor Care

Speaking of chiropractic care, that is another option found to assist in pain relief and treatment of the causes themselves. For me, my main issues that has caused all these others is scoliosis. I've been told, that there is a chance that it can be slightly repaired by chiropractic adjustments. And I'm not the only one. My supervisor at my last job, had some of the same problems I have. She lives in pain like I do. She was referred to a chiropractor. They can be pricey, even with insurance. So be careful. 

By the way, if you are in the San Antonio area and need an amazing house-call chiropractor - Dr. Alexandra (Alex) Sweeney and her husband are the ones you want to call! They were fantastic. They came after work, so I didn't have to miss work. I served them dinner one night. We even had a blast talking about nerdy things! My kids loved having them over. Highly recommend them. Plus, you get serviced for half an hour at $75. Deep tissue massage and adjustments. They bring their equipment to you. You can also split this price and time with others. Make it party! Save money and feel great at the same time. 

I would suggest checking your insurance to see what is covered. Then call around and see what they have to offer and pricing. There are some great options, but as I mentioned, they can be very pricey. Know what you need. You don't have to be a doctor, but at least have an idea of what is wrong with you or causing you pain. You don't want to be given a run for your money (because sometimes, that's all they are after!) so get an idea of what you are looking for. 

Journey to Pain Relief: Salonpas Pain Patch

Recently, we made the trip to Waco to visit my in laws. I was having a rough day with the recurring pain in my shoulder and lower back. During the ride, I decided it was time to test out a Salonpas pain patch. I had a pulled muscle feeling in my left shoulder zone. It was affecting my arm as well.  Massaging it felt good until I stopped. I couldn't quite reach the main point though. So during a stop in traffic, my husband slapped the patch on.

You have to be okay with the camphor and menthol smells. The patch is strong with it. After about 5 minutes, I could feel a coldness where the patch was. It's like an Icy Hot, but no follow up of heat.
I was quite surprised. It felt like there was a numbing sensation going on back there. For the rest of the ride (maybe 2 hours), the only time I felt the sharp pull was when I yawned. The ache was toned down. Not completely gone, but low enough that I could ignore it.
I used the remaining patch I had on my lower back the next day. It took the pain down, not as well as the upper pain, but enough.

After coming back home, we decided to pick up some more to see if the relief could be extended. Our local Wal-Mart had a nice selection and we found some that had Lidocaine. It's a numbing agent used to treat pain. Even better that it advertises itself as used for desensitizing aggravated nerves.
Now, I'm not sure how much of my crazy side effects were from the patch. I had taken Excedrin earlier for migraine and PMS pain. Normally, I have a rise in internal temperature. Not fever, just the feeling of being hot and ability to sweat (something I don't normally do). I also shake and feel weak. So I'm thinking that might be where such effects came from. I'm not sure where the lightheadedness came from though. I felt sick to my stomach, but that could have been from fighting the migraine. Just things I noticed, but want to make you aware of in case you try these.
In less than half an hour, I had relief to the back pain. I felt numb. Better to feel nothing, than to hurt. Or so I believe. It helped with the pains going down my leg too. What these patches don't help with are the tingling and numbness that comes comes with the nerve issue.
These patches might be a life saver for a while. They might return some of my normal activities. I am not a fan of living on pain killers, but I don't have a choice right now. We will just have to see what side effects continue with the use.

Journey to Pain Relief: The Simple Solutions

It's amazing what we overlook when we hurt. 

Did you know that the simplest cure for some of our greatest pains can be water? I'm serious. At the onslaught of a headache, try guzzling down some water. Sometimes, not all the time, the pain will cease. Cramping strongly? Drink till you feel like you are drowning. Increase in water intake is usually a suggestion I get from doctors. Our bodies are mostly composed of water. Decrease in our supply leads to panic in our system. This causes additional pains that would otherwise be avoided. 

This is just one thing we overlook when we seek relief from pain and the medications are not helping. 

Take your vitamins and drink your milk! We don't eat and drink as healthy as those before us did. Particularly in America. We are overweight and underachieving. Weakened bones can't hold us to a higher performance. Eating things that boast calcium additives, doesn't mean that you are going to retain it better. As a matter of fact, some vitamins and minerals will cancel each other out. Do a little research. Know what your body might be missing and see what you can take that will boost its own supply, while avoiding the things that will block it from absorption. Take, for instance, tea. If you are suffering from an iron deficiency, or your blood iron is low - stop drinking tea while eating more peanut butter, red meats and greens. Tea absorbs the iron your body needs.

Keep the exercises simple if you are hurting. Nothing wrong with working out. Actually, it will increase bone as well as muscle strength. This in turn might lead to weight loss. And all of this can lead to less pain throughout your body. From the research I had done, working out lessens and lengthens the bodies ability to stave off the effects of arthritis. I tried hard to work out daily to keep the spine strong. And for a while, I think it worked. Until arthritis was no longer the only problem I had going on back there. You can be slightly sore, but don't push yourself until you are aching and feel like you're dying.

 

Get support in the form of better pillows. Normal pillows may seem fine. You might think that your pain and lack of sleep are stress-related and only curable by medicine and doctors, but at least try a different pillow. I switched to a gel-filled memory foam pillow. While my neck isn't completely satisfied, I have at least noticed a difference. And when I get migraines that drive me back to bed, that pillow is always cool under my head. It helps so much!

Dressing comfortably means the tight-fitting and heels need to go. I worked in a professional setting where heels were a daily additive and looking like a million dollars showed confidence. But those shoes added to the pain, as did tight pants. Try it. One day, wear heels and tight pants. Then the next day, flats and loose clothing. Tell me if you notice the difference or am I going crazy. I'm not saying put on the proverbial "tent" dress from the 70's and wear thong shoes. But something that is so tight it looks painted on, is doing more damage to your body than that of something truly comfortable. Besides, ladies, if you show it all off, what is left for their imagination? Or am I so old fashioned that only I think that way any more?

Focus on other things to trick your mind. Part of my pain management training during my teen years while dealing with spinal fusions, was to focus my mind on other things. When you think about other things, your mind can't focus on pain so much. Yes, there are times when the pain is so great that you can't think about anything else. But let's say your pain is no more than a 4, try to keep busy with other things. It will distract you from the signals your brain is sending.

Warm showers or baths can help to loosen the muscles and relax the tension your body feels. When you are in pain, you tend to subconsciously tense up more. Try soaking in the tub. Playing music, adding bubbles, and even doing so by candlelight are all fun, but also helpful in relieving that added stress that your body is building up. Using lavender scents and Epsom salt helps to relax you as well. So take time to release.

Massage is something that I suggest, but also think only works if you got someone truly good at what they do. I've had a few friends help me with this. Not all hands are equal. Some people are truly gifted. No training required. I've usually been on the giving end though I have no training, but plenty of practice. I know what to feel for and know how to work out the kinks without causing pain. At least bad pain. Sometimes we have to hurt a little to feel the really good stuff. Sadly, not as many times, have I been on the receiving end. And even less often, have those been helpful massages. So if you find someone who can do it well, I suggest making time for it. And if you can't afford a pro, but know a good friend, maybe work out a barter system!
Physical therapy is suggested by doctors. Sometimes we have to learn to move in ways we never have before to really get the range of motion that eases the flow of energy and keeps us going. I've never been able to take this route and I'm not sure how well it will work for me, but I still think it deserves a place on this list. 

I've also heard that acupuncture works wonders. I've never had it, and not sure I want it. It is something to ask your doctor about though. 

Posture is a learned trait. We tend to slouch a lot. Such an easy thing it is to sit straight up. However, far more comfortable we find it is to slump our shoulders and be lazy. Such actions restrict the proper flow. They stress the spine. If you cannot find the ability to train yourself to stay upright, there are braces you can wear that will hold your shoulders back.

This last one is the hardest for me, but know your limitations. I struggle with the things I've had to let go of. Motorcycle riding, roller coasters, and running are my top three so far. Things I enjoy, but suffer so much afterwards. Letting them go means I hurt less. Sometimes that is what you have to do. For the better.  

I might not have given you the true answer to your pain relief, but I do hope this list at least gave you options that you might not have thought to try yet. 

Journey to Pain Relief: Hot and Cold

When we suffer pain, we often turn to heating pads or ice packs. But did you know that that might not be the best option? In some ways, it makes things worse. Let me explain. 
I've learned from various medical professionals, that heating pads are tricksters for your pain. It soothes the tension and the warmth lulls you into a false sense of being pain-free. In reality, its a mask that once removed, sends you spiraling as you feel that sudden jolt of sharp discomfort all over again. I do still use the heating pad. It has its time of being needed. My time for using it would be bedtime. I need sleep. I'm not a nice person when I don't get enough sleep. I'm grouchy and irritable. So when you add my lack of sleep to my daily, chronic pain... lets say that I make fire-breathing dragons look like kittens. 
So when I'm feeling especially bad, I will take the heating pad to bed with me. Sometimes, I even wrap it around my lower back, under my shirt to keep it in place in case I roll over in my sleep. 

The one I have, I love! I have the SoftHeat heating pad. Mine has three settings of heat. And it turns itself off after a while. The one I linked to, actually has been updated from my older one to have 4 settings of heat. Walgreens also has a deluxe model that straps on. Getting fancy! Though they cost the same. Usually, I'm asleep before it turns off. I also love that it has a washable cover that comes off with a snap. And the best bonus to this? Being a natural popsicle, this also ensures I won't be shivering in my bed! Hey hey! I like to turn it on, set it in bed under the blanket, get ready for bed, and finally lay down feeling warm. Just remember, I'm fully aware that my pain will return in the morning with my consciousness. For now, its a short term fix to get more, restful sleep. 

Now to talk about ice. Ice is actually better for your muscular pains. For me though, I feel like it freezes everything so while I'm on it, I have that same relief as in the heating pad arena. I used this when I would have to sit for hours at my desk job. The problem I had, was when I would try to stand up and walk after being chilled. I would tense up and stumble awkwardly until everything got loose again. 

How do we get these two to work in our favor? My chiropractor actually told me to alternate. You do 15-20 minutes of heat, then 15-20 of ice, and finish with 15-20 minutes of a break. It was a release pattern. Didn't help much, but I chalked it up to being pregnant and nothing would work during that time. I found this article that gives lots of details and information on making the most of your treatments with heating pads and ice packs. This type of treatment might not work for everyone. It sometimes does good for my back pains though. Always worth a shot, right? Let me know your thoughts on these methods in the comments below! 

The Journey of Seeking Pain Relief

I recently wrote about trying to see the good while plagued with pain. The comments I received on that post gave me such encouragement! 
Pain is a fickle matter. It cannot be definitively measured, no matter how science tries. Each individual struggles with what their maximum limit is. Take for example, James Bond. Last movie I saw him in, he was getting his balls hit and still asking for more.

Okay, okay. I jest. But lets peek into reality for a moment. Everyone has their limits. Everyone responds to treatments differently. 
As I have mentioned before, I've been on over the counter pills for quite some time. Since getting pregnant in February of 2016, to be exact. Before that, I was taking pain injection (steroid?) shots. However, those were doing nothing since I was taking them on a day in the middle of my 4-ten hour shifts while working for Amazon. The shots require you to take one, rest for a couple days, and then resume life. Didn't help too, that they had me taking them once a week instead of upping the dose so I could go longer between them. My Nana was given the ones that were supposed to last a month. She always said she was lucky if the pain relief made it to two weeks. These shots are administered directly where your pain originates. For me, that was in the area right above a pinched nerve. This pinched nerve is above a slipped disc. That disc rests on two others that are degenerating. Yes, I'm literally falling apart here. So the doctors would numb the injection site. Then using a real time x-ray machine, they inject the medication in the bubble around the nerve. I admit that I only felt a sharp pinch and then sudden calm. For the rest of the day, I felt slightly tired and sore. But if I rested the next day, I had some relief for a while. Working for Amazon, though great as far as a job goes, did not help my back. The constant motion and heavy work was degrading my bones further. So I quit there and was given an administrative job that lasted a good year before I was laid off. 
That brings me to now. I have exhausted Ibuprofen and Tylenol. They no longer affect the pain levels I feel. They take care of headaches, but not the spinal strains. 
So what can a person do? I've been trying other methods. And I think it is about time I start sharing them. I'll write several posts. A series, if you will, of my journey seeking relief. And before anyone asks, no, I won't be trying recreational drugs. I have heard about their help. But I'd rather suffer than take that route. And no, I won't drink myself stupid to drown out my sorrows. Because then I wake up to four kids, reality and probably a mess... That, and I just don't drink much.  

I want to help others who are in the same boat as me. I know we are limited, but at the same time I feel that there has to be more. We just have to hope and keep searching. So here goes! My journey to pain relief starts now. Join me in it!

Seeking the bright side through the darkness

Every cloud has a silver lining, right? Every darkness finds light. Through the rain, comes freshness and growth. From the clouds come protection from the glaring sun, granting us relief from its unrelenting heat. You also have sayings like, "Everything happens for a reason" or "The is a purpose to everything". 

Then you have the clouds of life.  

  

When I lost my job, I lost a steady paycheck of considerable amount, but I gained a way to stay home with my kids. To be a full time mom again. Less money, but more to life.

I've lost the ability to be a biker, but I found one less thing to put me in danger and keep me around my kids longer.

I try to see the bright side to everything I face. To stay positive in the face of negativity. It's not easy. For me, it's harder than childbirth. I'm struggling to find the silver lining to my near-constant pain. To see how it will do good for myself or someone else. How do my migraines benefit anyone? How does the inflammation of a pinched nerve serve a higher purpose than to remind me of my brokenness? How will such a debilitating disease produce positive results around me? I have been asking myself these questions every day for the past week now. I wake up in pain, I go to sleep in pain. And for what? I am still waiting to know the  answer. 

When I was a child facing spinal fusion, I had an answer. I could show courage in the face of uncertainty. I was afraid of what could happen. Paralysis or death could have been the end result for me. But I was at peace. I thought that God had a purpose and could use me to tell His story to family and friends. I'm a medical anomaly. Four doctors in my life have point blank told me that I was scientifically weird. A freak of nature. That I should have felt pain, when I didn't. That I shouldn't be as I was. That I shouldn't have had what I did. That fevers are how things are measured, yet I've never experienced one. I'm the exception they use to write medical journal entries from. I'm the textbook example of what you hope to never encounter. Their student doctors had a field day when I came in. But how about now? I have no insurance or money to see a doctor. Otherwise I'd say God was using me to show science what they weren't able to imagine. Or what they hypothesized, but had no hard documentation for. So what am I good for? Or is it that I'm building up a special case for the day they do my autopsy? 

Let's say that I'm not supposed to benefit someone. What if I'm to learn a lesson? What lesson is it? I think I've mastered pain management 101. My daily pain level is no less than 4. My level 4 is a normal person’s level 1. I have to hit an 8 or 9 before I tap the pain pills and even then, I have to tell myself they are helping in order for them to do any good. I'm using over the counter drugs to battle something beyond their means. So what else do I have to learn? Patience? Oh yeah, I've got a healthy dose of that too. Comes from having 4 kids.

And then I sometimes ask if this is all part of a punishment? People say there is karma. What goes around, comes around. So if that was the case, what did I do to deserve it? What crime did I commit to live my life like this? And how can I fix it? I repent daily for my wrong doings. I make no bones about being a sinner. 

"I don't fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach." 

~ Mary Roach 

I don't fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach. Mary Roach
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/maryroach694746.html?src=t_pain

I don't fear death so much as I fear its prologues: loneliness, decrepitude, pain, debilitation, depression, senility. After a few years of those, I imagine death presents like a holiday at the beach. Mary Roach
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/maryroach694746.html?src=t_pain

You know what truly makes matters worse? I'm not even 30 years old yet. So when I talk about what I feel or about how I'm built like an 80 year old on the inside, people think I'm being funny. That it's a joke. My great grandmother understood though. She didn't laugh at me when I talked about it. When I told her how much it hurt, she was feeling the same way. And she always told me, "Welcome to the club. It only gets worse from here." Back then, I thought, “Oh great, thanks for the encouragement.” But now, I understand. She was being the most sincere anyone could've been. I will never forget the day I told her I was diagnosed with arthritis at the age of 15 as a side effect to my spinal fusion. She told me she was so sorry. That life would get harder so much earlier for me than it did for her. She had worked manual labor jobs all her life. So it wasn't until her late 60's and on that she truly started to fall apart. At first I thought I could fight my fate. I worked out daily. I fought to keep in shape and tried to build muscle in my back. And I thought it was working. Up until a couple years ago. But now I feel like it's just catching up to me. I'm trying to work out and get back in shape. But the more I do, the more I hurt. I tell myself - no pain, no gain. But is it harming me more? 

Always dream and shoot higher than you know how to.
Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.
~ William Faulkner

I can barely stand upright some days. I freeze and crumple when bending over or reaching for something high. Picking up my daughter pulls the muscles between my shoulder blades tight enough to make me want to cry. After standing with her for 10 minutes, I can't do it anymore. I can't even take in deep breaths right now without a sharp pulling. If I turn my head too far, or at a certain angle, I get lightheaded. Randomly, I will start to have numbness and tingling in my limbs. And the lack of sleep it is causing has me feeling less than nice. I don't want to talk to anyone on a friend’s level. I put on my retail disguise. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. I'm so tired of pretending for everyone around me that I'm doing just fine. I will continue to. But I don't want to. This mask I wear is getting worn out. This is not who I want to be. I want to be the mom that chases her children around in a game of tag at the park. I want to take them on roller coaster rides. I want to learn to rock wall climb. I was going to teach them to ride motorcycles so we could one day go together like I did with my parents. I want to work out with my husband. These things are no longer within reach for me. These dreams are being taken away from me. 

You see things; and you say, "Why?"
But I dream things that never were;
and I say, "Why not? 

~ George Bernard Shaw

I told my husband that I will no longer answer his questions regarding my back, pain or how I slept. He agreed not to ask them anymore. Logically speaking, there is nothing he or I can do to change it. So why talk about it and add the “one day” wish to it. One day it will get fixed. One day it will be better. So let’s agree to not discuss it further until “one day” arrives. On the flip side, by doing this, it felt like I had closed off a part of me to him. He’s known from the beginning that I was broken. Deformed. But until now, it didn’t have such a strong bearing on my life. I try to lighten the tone by joking about it not being too late to bail. I still feel, however, that the life we wanted might not be attainable.So what do I do? I'm pushing to make his dreams a reality. At least one of us should accomplish something. And that someone won't be me at this point.He at least has the confidence and ability to pursue his dreams.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,
and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined,
he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
-Henry David Thoreau

So I want to know. What am I missing? Looking in, what do you see that I can't? What detail have I overlooked? What bright side have I lost in the darkness? According to a really good friend of mine, maybe its not about me at all. Maybe it is to teach my children what true love, strength, courage, and determination are. By my pushing through this and still providing them all that I can, I am leading by example. According to my husband, maybe it will help me relate to and assist someone else later down the road who is going through the same thing. Either way, both of them told me I have to wait, have faith, and know there is a reason behind it all.

The Mask is on

Do you ever feel that every day and every moment needs to be portrayed as going well? That you have to keep up good appearances to the world around you better? That’s my outlook. The world has enough darkness. There is enough pain, hurt, and sadness to go around. So someone has to shine through it all. Someone has to offer that glimpse of joy that makes others smile. I’m not a clown, by any means. I’m the complete opposite actually. I’m not full of jokes. I’m sarcastic. I don’t like people. I like being alone. It doesn’t help me get out of the darkness when I’m alone, but it helps to avoid making it worse when the people who are offering advice or trying to help only make it worse…

You know that saying, “Sometimes the ones who smile the most, are the ones who hurt the most on the inside”? It’s true. They put on a mask and always give off that happy-go-lucky attitude that is expected of them. Do you ever wonder how they do it? Here’s a secret… they sometimes cry themselves to sleep.

When they have a bad day, they try not to include anyone in it. They tell themselves its fine. Everyone has bad days and they all come to an end. They take every task in the queue, one by one, and get through it. Someone smiles at them, they smile back. Someone asks how they are doing, they answer with “doing good, thanks”. And for the most part, no one notices that it is all an act. Why? Why can’t people see through it?! I tell myself that it is because I’ve gotten good at the act. I’ve practiced it so well. Got it down to the last faked laugh. Then I finally collapse at the end of the day and hope for a better day tomorrow. I cry and tell myself to stop being so pathetic. If I slip up and actually talk to someone about what is going, I feel worse. Not only am I feeling bad, but I’m telling someone else and they will probably feel bad. I’m spreading the bad instead of promoting good. I’m burdening them. They can’t do anything about it. They can’t offer anything more than, “It’s going to be okay”, “Just breathe, you got this”, or “It happens, get over it”. That last one is my favorite. Why? It further reminds me I’m sounding like a pathetic whiner. “Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and get over it.”

Today started off all wrong and has continued to go uphill. Haven’t even hit the crest yet. On the radio, they said today was National “Get Over It” Day. Sorta fits. Tell myself to get over it. Stuff is hitting the fan and I have to suck it up. Put on the big girl panties and throw back. Right? That’s not how I feel inside though. But that’s how I’m trying to look on the outside. I’ve quit answering the text messages. Not talking to anyone on Facebook. I’ve decided to put the walls up and take the battering rams out against the projects I’m faced with. It will be a long day. And I know that eventually it has to end. Until then, I’ll put on the mask. I will be that light in the darkness. I don’t suggest walking towards my light though. Just take it as a beacon of hope through the chaotic seas of the daily grind. If I slip, and the weakness I feel within shows, just act like you didn’t catch it. For the sake of my pride.
Have a great day, folks! It can’t last forever.

Living with the pain in my head

Headaches are, in my personal opinion, the worst pains anyone can suffer. Your mind is your center. It controls your thoughts, your motor functions, and everything that makes you, you! So when your head hurts, you don’t function to the best of your ability. All the information I provide is based on personal knowledge and experience. I'm not a doctor or medical professional. This information is NOT meant to diagnose or treat anything you have. Its meant to help you cope and maybe give you insight on things you can discuss with your doctor.

Headaches take form in various degrees of pain. Something from a light pain to a tension headache or even a full blown migraine. They can be a slight annoyance to completely debilitating. They can have a plethora of side effects that come along with them. Side effects may include vomiting, dizziness/lightheadedness, blackouts, blurry vision, disorientation, shaking, and even chills.

Headaches are triggered. Not just randomly sprung as one might think. If you can figure out your triggers, you can control them to some degree. Light headaches are typically caused by lack of sleep and hunger. Easy to fix, even in a busy life. Tension headaches and migraines are trickier. Things like caffeine, sugar, light, sounds, or random foods can turn the switch of pain on. Sometimes you are able to feel one coming on while other times it’s sudden.

I’ve been reading up on migraines a lot in the past couple years. This week in particular I found an old article my mom had given me on head pain in general. About 1/5 women suffer from migraines. Yet, barely half will be diagnosed with a cause. As a matter of fact, most of us “endure” the pain because we know what happens when we “check out”, even for a short time. Moms in particular don’t like taking time for themselves when there is so much to do. But suffering in silence won’t do you any good in the long run. Here are some things to take into account when dealing with headaches…

Here are four types of headaches that you can identify:

1.       Sinus headaches – these are accompanied by sinus swelling and pain or pressure in the cheeks and/or forehead. Many people misdiagnose themselves as having a migraine which can have similar symptoms, but taking a decongestant can make you feel worse.

2.       Migraine – these are largely genetic. Common symptoms include nausea and sensitivity to light and sound. Ladies, the week of your period is the worse time for attacks because your estrogen levels are at their lowest. (I've been dealing with them daily myself since my cycle started.)

3.      Tension – These are often set off by stress and anxiety. The pain is typically dull and located on both sides of the head, around the forehead, temples or back of the head and neck. It could also be caused by changes in brain chemicals called neurotransmitters.

4.     Cluster – The exact cause for this type is still undetermined. It’s rare and more common in men though. Pain centralizes around the eyes, can happen a few times in a single day or can last weeks to months.

I've been gathering information on dealing with the different levels of pain. Since migraines are my worse problem, you might read a lot more on them....

Migraines can be a centered pain in the temples, stretched down one side of the face and head, or centered at the base of the skull and top of the neck. It may make your eyes feel swollen or give a burning sensation. They can be as brief as under 30 minutes to as long as several tormenting hours.

My personal experience with migraines has had me struggling to keep it together and renders me inoperable as a functioning human being. I can't tell you how often I've had to slip away to a dark room, seeking silence and relief from the mind-numbing pain that has taken over. Some things I've found useful for relieving the pain are the following.

 

• Let your hair down at the onset of pain. Having my hair in a ponytail not only causes breakage up top, but can start the throbbing. Letting it down can release the added pressure. 
• Dim the lights. Being in a dimly to no light room can take the stress off your eyes which in turn knocks the pain down in your head. 
• Turn off the noise. Take out the headphones, shut the door, and relax in the silence. This is extremely difficult for me. Silence is truly deafening. So if you must, put on soft music at a low volume. Whether you like it or not, classical is probably your best option.
• Lay down! Again, I struggle with this. Being a mom, I have kids who won't hesitate to barge in if I actually try to relax and beg for a drink or snack or complain about something a sibling did.
• Take a shower or bubble bath. Make it warm but don't overdo it in the heat. That can make you quite lightheaded and possibly lead to passing out.
•  Get those eyes checked! Especially if you wear corrective lenses, but even if you haven't before, maybe it's time you did. And keep updating that prescription yearly. Mine has changed every time I've gone in. As a matter of fact, this last time I found out I have a stigmatism. Plain English? One eye is shaped like a golfball while the other is ovoid like a football. Yes, one more feature that adds to my freak of nature status. Just can't catch a break. Also, invest in transitions. Otherwise, get prescription sunglasses. They make a world of difference in the light. I've been buying transitions for the past several years and I refuse to go back to being without them. 
• Take time out for yourself. Stress is a leading cause for a lot of the head pains we get. It's not easy, I know. The last doctor that told me to relax and get more rest... I laughed at her. As moms, it's hard to catch a break. Especially single moms. But if you can manage to get a sitter, go for it! Take a walk on the beach, see a movie you've been wanting to (but couldn't with the kids around), or call up your friends for a few hours of adult time. Whatever brings you joy, make time for it. I'd say a minimum of twice a month. 
• Take a bite... or two. You might not feel hungry especially if you're so far into the pain zone that it's making you nauseous. So grab a light snack and give it a chance to settle. Sometimes that's all it takes to bring the pain level down.
• Lay off or lower your caffeine intake. This is another huge trigger for some people. Try to come off the addiction to sodas and coffee. Instead of energy drinks, get up 30 minutes earlier and do some brisk cardio. Yes, you'll have to make a sacrifice and sleep earlier at night, but it will pay off. It helps lower your stress levels as well as jump starts your metabolism. That could lead to weight loss as well. Win-win if you ask me.
• Drink until you're clear. Did you know that the more water you drink, the lighter your urine will be? This not only insures you'll keep properly hydrated, but helps steer you clear of urinary tract infections. As an added benefit for the ladies, the more water you drink the easier your cramping will be while on your menstrual cycles. Staying hydrated helps ward off so many things, but headaches are the one I'm mentioning right now.
• If you have to take something, try Excedrin Extra Strength or Excedrin Migraine (both are the same). They seem to work the best for me in speed and in ridding the pain. However, this is mostly caffeine and will possibly give you the shakes. Or try another anti-inflammatory medicine. Remember this, you can only take them constantly for so long before they don't work or you start damaging your organs....
• Sometimes you might be able to find holistic oils that can relieve the muscle pain in your temples. I know my mothers friend mixed oils that worked wonders. But the original company that sold those hasn't had them in stock for quite some time.

I found some other interesting things on keeping headaches at bay. Avoiding strong scents and going fragrance-free. If caffeine isn't your trigger - drink a cup of coffee. Its a stimulant so if you're already a regular, don't stop cold turkey. Withdrawals will give you migraines. Eat a better breakfast! Aged cheeses, citrus fruits, and processed meats typically contain nitrates which can set you off. So consume them with caution and in moderation. Make time for every meal. Whether you eat small meals throughout or three large meals daily, don't skip! Hunger and lower blood sugar levels can alert your brain to send those signals of missing out. Beware though - dairy, wheat, nuts, chocolate, deli meat and even fermented foods, like pickles, can also be triggers. Stay cool. Not temperature, but attitude. Life can drag you down and stress you out. Don't let it get out of control! Take a moment to look at pictures of good times, watch a funny video on YouTube or try out some yoga poses. Drinking while you cook might not be as good as you think. Red wine in particular has been linked to migraines in some women, but drinking on an empty stomach just exacerbates its effects. Check the weather. At least 30% of sufferers are linked to weather induced pain. Maybe try takings an anti-inflammatory before the front rolls in.

I hope this is helpful to someone out there. Migraines are a personal battle that you don't have to fight completely alone. Speak up and don't let others give you that eye roll for "just a headache". Especially moms. If you don't care for yourself, how can you care for your loved ones? So when you feel so bad you want to take a drill to your temple, take a breath and find your comfort zone.

Scoliosis: affecting life and pregnancy

Scoliosis is a subject dear to my spine. I've had it since elementary school, though I didn't always know what it was. What is scoliosis? Its a disease within the spinal skeleton that causes the spine to grow into a curve instead of straight up and down. When I was in 1-2 grades, kids poked me in the back and laughed at my protruding shoulder blades. They referred to me as the girl with boobs in her back because basically thats what it looks like to a bunch of kids. Later, at 12 years old, I was walking through a thrift store that my mom frequented a lot. The owner was a nice elderly lady. Well, one day while walking through her store she started staring at me strangely. She came up to us and asked if I had been diagnosed with scoliosis yet. I had never even heard the word before and though my mother had, she never really noticed anything being odd. The lady pointed out some helpful hints for spotting the disease:

1. If wearing an outfit that zips up the back - the zipper often curves to one side with more progressed cases.
2. If a person having scoliosis bends over to touch their toes, you will see the shoulder blades protruding at various degrees. One might be higher than the other. This goes for the hips as well.
3. While standing straight (as a person having the disease can) one side will be lower than the other. One shoulder will appear to be slouched down and standing flat footed can be impossible for more severe cases as mine was.

Well, as you can guess, a visit to the pediatrician led to a visit to a pediatric orthopedic specialist. The best in the region I believe. He was the highest ranking doctor in his field at the time. Doctor R. J. Cummings (http://www.healthgrades.com/physician/dr-robert-cummings-xsvqy). He was very patient, explained everything clearly, and most importantly he never tried to butter up the truth. He told it like it was.
My case was far from usual. First, I had a double curve or S curve. This is where the bones in the spine curve to look like one large S instead of a straight line. Secondly, when they measured the degrees of each curve (tells them how far from a normal straight line it is), I had a 52 on the top and 58 on the bottom. Those are big numbers. First question they had was, "Are you feeling any pain or discomfort?" Well, no? Back pains were never any issue for me. I felt like a normal, healthy 12 year old. The next thing they wondered is why no one noticed until it had progressed that far. Well, mom didn't really notice much as it was. And while I noticed (I got teased for it remember?), I thought it was yet another manifestation of me being oddly different from everyone else. (Which suited me just fine since I enjoyed being the odd one that never fit in anyhow.)

So what does this mean? Well, when you have a more severe case like mine chances are slim that you can get by with a body brace. Mild cases that require treatment but not surgery, can be treated with the use of a body brace that straightens the torso and keeps a person in a rigid position until the bones are taught to grow in a straight line again or until they stop growing altogether. Moms sometimes love this idea for teaching their kids how to sit straight. Ever have your mom say, "Sit up straight! Don't slouch!" Body braces keep you straight whether you like it or not!

For my case and similiar cases, this wouldn't work. I was growing still and at a rate of 2 degrees a month I think it was, it wouldn't have taken much longer for me to end up in a wheel chair paralyzed and in constant pain. Surgery was needed as soon as possible. I began donating my own blood towards my surgery. 1 pint a month for 4 month. Its the safest way and provides for the better healing experience since a body is used to its own blood rather than having to be introduced to someone elses.
The surgery is called Spinal Fusion. For milder curves, 1 rod will be attached or fused to the bones with a few screws. As the bone grows, it follows the shape of the rod ensuring that it stays straight. For a case like mine, 2 rods were needed. The rods were fused with 4 clamps (2 on each side) and lots of screws. I was quite tall with a long torso though. The first surgery I had (out of 3) was done later the same year I was diagnosed. It went very well. Recovery included some strict rules for the next 6 months.

1. No bending.
2. No heavy lifting.
3. No twisting or turning.
4. No jumping (really is a bummer when you love trampolines and jump ropes).
5. No strenuous activities that could put pressure or stress on the spine.

I learned to do a lot of things differently. I learned to pick up things with my feet since I couldn't bend. My legs grew stronger since I had to squat down to pick things up if they were too heavy or awkward to get with my feet. I learned to like the couch since I couldn't sleep in my own bed comfortably for quite some time. I got used to having my mother come and help me bathe since I could only stand there and get the front of me. For someone who enjoyed her independence, it was a trial and half.
At 15 years old, I'm having pains in my lower spine. So when I go for another check up, they take a closer look at my X-rays. I find out that a screw had broken and was needing to be replaced because the curve was starting to grow again. Thus started the jokes about bionic girl needing her bolts tightened.... Normally a girl stops growing when she starts her menstrual cycle. May I point out, I'm not normal. I was still growing even though I should have been done 4 years before. Either the growing bone broke the hardware or the hardware broke allowing me to grow sideways again. So, surgery 2 commenced.
All was well for the next 3 years. In between surgeries I developed arthritis in my lower back and hips. This is normal when something metal is installed in the human body. Its often noticed when the weather changes. You feel it in your bones that a storm is coming, that rain is on the way. Just before I turned 18, I started having some pretty strong pain. Thinking that something might have broken again, we went in to check up on it. Everything appeared normal. X-rays showed nothing broken or damaged, blood and urine tests came back normal, and even the bone scan showed nothing out of the ordinary. I also had no fevers indicating infection, but then I don't think I've ever had an infection. Doctor Cummings decided to take the hardware out. I prepared for surgery #3.
It was only after he opened me up and took out all that metal that he found a severe infection eating away at the bones in my lower spine. During the operation, a PICC line was inserted. A PICC line is a peripherally inserted central catheter. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peripherally_inserted_central_catheter)  Its used to administer antibiotics over an extended period. The line was inserted in my right arm peripheral Cephalic vein, ran across my chest, and ended directly in my heart for optimal deliverance of the antibiotics. The original strand of infection was not easily diagnosed so I was released from the hospital with a temporary antibiotic that they later changed when the culture came back. For the next 9 months, I once again followed the strict rules, but I also had to be trained to give myself the required antibiotics to kill the infection. They had to be administered everyday, twice a day for 9 months non-stop. It was interesting going to work and having co-workers stare or shudder as I unrolled the outer line and started the long process in the break room. Its a multi-step process that can take about 10 minutes to complete.

• First you clean the insertion part.
• Then you flush the line with saline solution to clear out any blood that may have flowed into the tube.
• Next you put in the antibiotic (always checking to make sure air bubbles are out first). This one was the slowest part.
• Next came another dose of saline solution. This stuff gives you a very cold feeling as it runs up your arm and across the chest.
• Finally you put in the heparin lock to seal everything in place. It always gave me a bitter metallic taste in my mouth.

After everything was settled from the final surgery, the doc released me with a clean bill of health. He told me I could live a normal life and do pretty much anything that anyone else could. (Military didn't agree though.) The one warning he did offer was this: getting pregnant and having a natural birth may be difficult for me. I'm not 100% straight in the spine. My shoulder blades still protrude more than normal and my hips are not in perfect alignment with each other. One hip sticks out  farther.
Getting pregnant hasn't been the problem. I've got the 3rd bun in the oven right now. The pregnancies themselves, however, have had their very difficult moments. My first son was pretty smooth sailing until the end. Towards the end I had a lot of back pain. But then.... I also gained 45 pounds with him and had a lot of water weight gain that made everything hurt. My second son was harder. Even at the very beginning there were days when I could barely walk and I had to quit my job because of the pain getting to be too much. This third one has been the hardest of all.
When you have scoliosis, your spine doesn't curve and change like it should. When you have the spinal fusion operations, you are stuck ram rod straight. You never change or curve besides the normal bending over or tilting to the side. With exercize, you should be able to train your back to become quite flexible though. But during pregnancy, your spine won't accomodate the baby the way it needs to. My babies seek to curl up on my lower spine pinching the nerve and causing severe pain. If I move in just a certain way, it causes me to freeze up and begin to fall. Simple things like bending, walking or even driving hurts. Another problem during pregnancy that a scoliosis patient might face - not being able to breathe well. Since there is no room and things are crammed up anyway, your lungs may not be able to expand as well as they do normally. You find yourself out of breath doing simple tasks or even while walking.
I've done a lot of research on these things. I've seen many different doctors and gotten many different suggestions for pregnancy and labor issues.

• When you are not pregnant, exercize regularly. Build up the muscle strength in your back. It helps strengthen the bones. Doing sit ups, crunches, and weight lifting can help.
• Take calcium supplements. Build up the nutrients in your bones.
• During pregnancy, keep as active as you can without pushing your limits. Ask your doctor what they think is best for you since everyone is different.
• Water exercizes are always the best! It supports your extra weight and takes a load off. I like just floating in the water sometimes.
• If you are having trouble breathing, relax. Straighten up and stretch out.
• Some people have the option of physical therapy. For someone like me, this is not so much of option. Most health care providers see me as a liability and don't want to take a chance on me trying something and getting worse.
• Tylenol is about the only over the counter medicine you can take for pain. I don't suggest you take it too often though. It is a blood thinner.
• Heating pads are wonderful! So are hot showers and hot baths. Heat therapy soothes the muscles and relaxes you.
• Maternity belts can be helpful as well. They offer extra support under the belly and around the back.
• Discuss labor options with your healthcare provider. I couldn't lay on my back for very long. It was excrutiatingly painful. So for my second sons birth I had a midwife and gave birth at home. I endured the pains while walking around and standing in the shower in intervals.
• But no matter what - take it easy! If you have someone who can help you when things get tough, I strongly advise you to ask them.

I hope someone finds this information useful. Or at least learned something. Scoliosis affects so many people in so many ways. Chances are you know someone who has at least a mild case even if they don't realize it.