Looking through broken glass

Life has its ups and downs. Mostly downs. Valleys. It makes us appreciate the view at the mountaintops more. But they can certainly be difficult to navigate. Especially when they interfere with the life you are setting up for your family.

In the past 3 weeks alone, so much has happened in my life. My great grandmother passed away. I moved into a new apartment. My dad visited from Florida. My fiancé was in a car accident - thankfully he was able to walk away, but the car was totaled. Two days later, I was laid off due to a reduction in workforce in the company.

I feel like I'm barely taking time to breathe. I tackle one task, one problem at a time. Tomorrow, I leave for Louisiana to say my final goodbye to my Nana. I look forward to it and dread it all at once. I have missed my parents and siblings and will be glad to see them. My mother will be meeting my baby girl for the first time. On the other hand, I dread having to face the reality that my Nana is truly gone. That its time to say goodbye. To move on. No matter how long I knew it was coming, I still wasn't quite ready for this. For the moment when her laughter, her fun-loving spirit, her heirloom stories would suddenly stop. But I have to accept that she is now no longer in pain as well. She has been suffering for so long. Physically and mentally. Her only child passed away, her sister has been suffering memory loss, her only nephew passed away, and all her other family members lived in other states. Those she had "helping" her, stole from her. Took advantage of her. A woman who worked hard all her life. Who gave so much to everyone else, but asked for so little. A woman who lived an amazing story and gave me the drive to excel as she did... She's now gone. My heart will always hurt. A hole will always remain where she was. And my memories of her will always be bittersweet. Its like looking through a broken glass. The view is distorted. Mixed emotions. Unclear depictions of the past. I have to piece some of it back together, while being mindful that it won't be 100%. I'm in a valley, but looking forward to that mountain top.

Her obituary as written by the woman who loved her best, my Mother:

To often life escapes us. We are born with no say in the matter and then 1 day, the end reaches us. It truly is what is in between that matters in history. Here we look at the life of Bonita Mouhart. She was born in 1934 during a depression. She lived through WW2. She learned the value of a dollar through sacrifice. She saw different automobiles, televisions come to everyone's homes, and men go to the moon. She saw phones come and then turn into what we have today. Not to mention all the progress in the medical field. She has seen countless friends and family pass through this life to go to the next. She had a great faith in God the Creator. She loved her fellow man (even when they mistreated her). Her last years she had the joy of sharing her one and only son's final years with him. After he passed, she looked forward to going to live with him for eternity. She didn't complain much and lived a very simple life. But the most remarkable accomplishment in her life was from this one woman came forth 26 people to date. She was very interested in her large family. Each new addition made her happy. She will be missed but never forgotten! The love and life lessons will be passed down from generation to generation.

The Mask is on

Do you ever feel that every day and every moment needs to be portrayed as going well? That you have to keep up good appearances to the world around you better? That’s my outlook. The world has enough darkness. There is enough pain, hurt, and sadness to go around. So someone has to shine through it all. Someone has to offer that glimpse of joy that makes others smile. I’m not a clown, by any means. I’m the complete opposite actually. I’m not full of jokes. I’m sarcastic. I don’t like people. I like being alone. It doesn’t help me get out of the darkness when I’m alone, but it helps to avoid making it worse when the people who are offering advice or trying to help only make it worse…

You know that saying, “Sometimes the ones who smile the most, are the ones who hurt the most on the inside”? It’s true. They put on a mask and always give off that happy-go-lucky attitude that is expected of them. Do you ever wonder how they do it? Here’s a secret… they sometimes cry themselves to sleep.

When they have a bad day, they try not to include anyone in it. They tell themselves its fine. Everyone has bad days and they all come to an end. They take every task in the queue, one by one, and get through it. Someone smiles at them, they smile back. Someone asks how they are doing, they answer with “doing good, thanks”. And for the most part, no one notices that it is all an act. Why? Why can’t people see through it?! I tell myself that it is because I’ve gotten good at the act. I’ve practiced it so well. Got it down to the last faked laugh. Then I finally collapse at the end of the day and hope for a better day tomorrow. I cry and tell myself to stop being so pathetic. If I slip up and actually talk to someone about what is going, I feel worse. Not only am I feeling bad, but I’m telling someone else and they will probably feel bad. I’m spreading the bad instead of promoting good. I’m burdening them. They can’t do anything about it. They can’t offer anything more than, “It’s going to be okay”, “Just breathe, you got this”, or “It happens, get over it”. That last one is my favorite. Why? It further reminds me I’m sounding like a pathetic whiner. “Cry yourself a river, build yourself a bridge, and get over it.”

Today started off all wrong and has continued to go uphill. Haven’t even hit the crest yet. On the radio, they said today was National “Get Over It” Day. Sorta fits. Tell myself to get over it. Stuff is hitting the fan and I have to suck it up. Put on the big girl panties and throw back. Right? That’s not how I feel inside though. But that’s how I’m trying to look on the outside. I’ve quit answering the text messages. Not talking to anyone on Facebook. I’ve decided to put the walls up and take the battering rams out against the projects I’m faced with. It will be a long day. And I know that eventually it has to end. Until then, I’ll put on the mask. I will be that light in the darkness. I don’t suggest walking towards my light though. Just take it as a beacon of hope through the chaotic seas of the daily grind. If I slip, and the weakness I feel within shows, just act like you didn’t catch it. For the sake of my pride.
Have a great day, folks! It can’t last forever.