What a way to start the New Year...

Three days into the new year. A year that I was worried about before today's incident. I am already feeling dread towards the rest of what is to come.
I woke up early this morning with the baby. Before anyone else. After a diaper change and milk cup, she passed out again. I felt the tense pain even then, but at a manageable level. It had has been slowly building for the past couple days. So I didn't think much of it. I laid back down with the baby and my husband. Had to roll onto my side for a bit. Breathing was a bit more painful than it usually is. About an hour or so later, baby girl was ready to get up. I tried to roll over and lift myself up. A sudden, searing pain shot through me. My entire upper right side tensed to the point that I was gasping for breath and unable to move my muscles. I have a high tolerance for pain, but this brought me to tears and had my husband so worried that he threw on clothes and we rushed to the clinic. A clinic that was quite full already. We were there for at least 2 1/2 hours. 
In that time, my muscles slowly stopped with the spasms and release some of the tension. My right arm and hand had become slightly swollen and tingled in the fingertips. I could not look down without pain. I could not lean my head back without it hurting. I couldn't turn my head very much to either side. When I tried to remove my jacket, the spasm came back. I felt like such a hot mess. Not to mention the fact that I hadn't had the chance to brush my teeth, shower, brush my hair or even throw on a bra! So I'm sure I looked as much a mess as I felt... I just wanted it to stop. I pushed at my chest, wanting to pull out the muscles that were causing this pain. And it didn't help that the kids were all ready for lunch. They were sympathetic to understanding that I was hurting, but feeling cabin feverish from being stuck inside and in chairs when the day was finally nice enough to be outside! This was not the way any of us wanted to be spending our day. 
Finally, we saw the doctor. While I had peace of mind that it wasn't going to kill me, I still don't have a solid understanding of what caused it or how to keep it from happening again. The doctor said it most likely has to do with my back problems which are quite extensive. And made it clear that finding a doctor to treat  that would be best. He offered a pain injection and muscle relaxers. As I sit here, the pain is manageable. Not much less than it was when I was sitting across from him. The swelling is gone. I forced myself to move through each painful motion to get circulation flowing better. And then we come to the tension. I took my "little blue pill" of a muscle relaxer he prescribed. Still feeling pretty tight back there. I made the joke that little blue pills were supposed to be for my husband when he gets older. This way, he will be taking those to get firm. I am taking them to loosen up. 
I'm back at square one. In pain and unsure what to do about it. I've reached out to a pain specialist in San Antonio. Tomorrow morning they should be calling me to talk about what options they have for someone like me. No income, cash upfront and no insurance. Let's pray that they are merciful, but have hope to offer. 
And that I will finally move forward in treating the real issues in my spine.

A New Year is Here Already!

Where has this year gone in such a rush?! Already, we are fast counting down to 2018 and the new beginnings it shall bring. 
My baby is a year old! Still not walking, but once she gains her confidence I believe she will take off running. 

My other children are starting to truly show their strengths and weaknesses in life. Be it reading from my oldest to science and math for my middle kid, to my fast learning little diva in kindergarten. I am so proud of them all. 
We had a wonderful Christmas vacation. Went to spend it with my in-laws. While enjoying good food, good times and gifts, there was a couple family members who ended up in the emergency room. One of them went in as one person and came out as two! Such a cute little fighter that one has turned out to be. Definitely had us on edge all that week though. 
Looking back, I think this was our best Christmas so far. We all got things we needed or really wanted. People might laugh, but getting Tide and a laundry basket was awesome. Getting a laptop had me so thrilled! These were things I genuinely needed. My kids got the pants they needed. Or underwear. And a backpack. My husband and his drill or the compressor. The simple things that will be appreciated so much this year. It was a blessing all around. We are all so happy this holiday season. And yes, we got things that we wanted or thought were cool. Like the years subscription to Amazon Prime, gaming gear, and dolls. 
But the greatest gift all? We spent this Christmas together. We made happy memories that will last a lifetime. 

And then, we went shopping for Christmas clearance deals. Sadly, I waited too long and by the time I went on Thursday, there wasn't much left. But I did get some of the things we needed.

Like wrapping paper. The ones I found were reversible and had patterns that I can use throughout the year. I picked up an Axe gift set. We were in need of another toiletries bag and my husband uses some kinds of Axe products. The ones he doesn't use, I will be sending to my brothers. All for $12. We bought a regular sized tree for the Christmas' to come. Gonna need it for our growing collection of amazing ornaments. And the Star Wars light show projector?! Can you believe it was only $7?? I picked up other little stocking stuffers for chore rewards and for next years gifts.

I had stopped by Walgreens when picking up a picture too. Once again, they were wiped out of most of the good stuff. I did find a little sun catcher for my little princess to paint. It was half off the sticker price too.

Moving into the New Year, I have decided to make my resolution to lose 30 lbs. To build strength to my failing body and to lighten the load I carry daily. My back isn't going to get better. And I can't afford to fix it. So I can at least focus my energy on making less stress for it. This will be the first year I have had this resolution. Usually, it is to make more of an effort in being a better mother and person. Which will still be a goal. I truly believe that everyone can be better in life. Kinder, more compassionate, giving, loving, honest. Just some traits I think everyone should work at daily. 

What is your resolution and why? What do you strive for in your own life? And how do you plan to make 2018 better than 2017?

Learning Not to Worry

After losing my job, worry took over. I fretted over how we would pay the bills. Wondered what we would do to make ends meet. I questioned what God might have planned for us. Unemployment was fickle. Almost like a full time job. At first, I looked like crazy for a job. But soon came to realize that it might not be the right choice. You see, right before losing my job, my husband was in a car accident that totaled his vehicle. So we were down to one car - my van. In addition, he had work overnight and school two days a week. Between his schedule and making sure someone was able to be with the baby all day or get the kids as they exited the bus, none of the jobs I was looking for matched our needs. I had been laid off from being an administrative assistant making $14/hour. And that's the type of job I was looking for. I felt as though I had to get the full time, high paying job that would keep our family as it had been. We had gotten comfortable. But we didn't need that to be happy. My husband works part time while he's in school. He makes enough to cover the bills. We could get by with what we need. I had a couple thousand saved from work. It has been slowly dwindling with each month that passes by as my automatic bills pull from it. We have not needed to worry. We won't be going out to eat like we used to. Lunch dates will be sparse. I have to pinch pennies from time to time to get little non-food items, but the bills are paid. 

And when other unexpected bills have struck, like the multiple van issues, we  were blessed in ways we could not have imagined. At first, we were having starter problems. The van would not start. Our local, and trusted mechanic, told us that was something he could not help with. We feared the price tag the dealership would put to such a task. My husband called and began to inquire. Turned out, there was a recall on that part and we didn't have to pay a dime! The relief was like a wave over us, despite agreeing that whatever happened would be God's will. Then the alternator died. We broke down on our way home one day. We had to have the van towed to the mechanics shop, rent a car for the weekend, as well as pay for the parts and labor. But at the same time that happened, we had sold something donated to us by my husband's grandparents. The money from that sale more than covered all those expenses. 

Another item his grandparents had donated us, also sold. And with the money we got from that, we were able to get the last of the Christmas presents on our list for family and friends. This was one part of me that hurt the most. I'm a giver. It is my gift, or curse - depending on your point of view. I love to give, even when I have so little. 

Then there were other things. Like my son needed a new backpack. I'm praying his lasts until Christmas. (Tonight, we had to duct tape it back together. Duct tape - the key element for everything.) That is when he gets a new one from money sent by a friend to purchase gifts for the kids. My daughter needed new panties. Those also came from that money. Shortly after shopping for those things, we came to find that both boys' jackets broke and they needed new ones. They also needed pants. Another friend writes that he wanted to be their Santa this year. He sent money that more than covered those needs. They were even able to get some toys that I would not have otherwise been able to get. My baby got a walker that will hopefully help her learn to walk. At 13 months, she is being a little slow. My middle son needed shoes. Without even telling my mother, I received a packaged from her that had a new pair in it just for him. And not a day too soon. We had duct taped his old pair back together and the school was planning to get him a new pair when they saw it. They didn't, however, so we were very glad to have gotten those when we did! Today, the school surprised us by sending 3 pairs of shoes for the boys and one for my daughter. They will be set for a little while yet. 

These are just a few things that I have come to realize. All the times I have worried, God has provided in ways that I never would have thought to be. We have been able to keep our heads up. To have our needs, and even some wants, provided for. Through family and friends. I had applied for a job last week. Sadly, even after 2 interviews, it just wasn't meant to be. But I have faith. We will be fine. Better than fine. We will get by with life going smoothly. No matter what hiccups may come, we don't have to worry. I don't have to worry. God has got this.

The Votes Come Today

Today is the day, my friends. When we find out just how stupid those in power truly are. There are two major issues going to be voted on today. Two things that will affect every American in some way. 

Net Neutrality. I know I have posted about this before. Sadly, it has come back into talks. The FCC will vote today on whether they should repeal the laws or not. What does that mean for us? Net Neutrality means that Internet Service Providers (ISP's) have to treat all data online the same. Without it, ISP's can inflict throttling (slowing down the access allowed)to certain websites or information based on whether they pay fees or not to keep their information flowing equally with all others. Imagine turning on Netflix when they have not paid up - your ISP can throttle them and movies stream at a ridiculously slower rate. You no longer have the drive to watch anymore, right? Surfing the web will also be like that. We are reverting back to the dark ages if this comes about. Comcast and was caught doing that before. BitTorrent was one of the websites they throttled. If I remember correctly, Verizon was another one who was secretly slowing up some websites. So get ready. It seems to have gained momentum towards being approved. And if that is the case, the internet will be less user friendly and more company driven than you could have imagined. 

Second up for a vote - the new tax bill. Have you actually looked at this law? It is protecting those of substantial wealth. The more money you make, the less you pay in taxes. Guess it goes to show what our president and his cronies think of the little man. As usual, they are protecting their money. At the expense of our own. 

You know what? I'm not proud to be an American anymore. Other countries are having far more appeal. In a way, our freedoms are slowly being throttled as it were. The big one for people like me? We are now further into the poverty level since middle class is slowly becoming extinct. You are either rich or poor. And it must get worse before we can even dare to hope it will be better.