A Mother's Confession

I have something to confess. Something that I'm angry and frustrated at myself for. Yet, it is something I can't change about myself. Ready? 

I was wishing yesterday. Wishing that I could give up. That I could be done with this life. That is my confession. 

Now here is the story behind it and the turnaround. 

I'm 33 years old and I have the inner skeletal make-up of an 80 year old. And to think, it all started back when I was 15. My Nana Bonnie told me then, "Girl, it only gets worse from here." She wasn't being negative. She wasn't trying to bog me down. She was just being honest. Something I have always appreciated. At 15, I wanted to believe that I was still strong and would come out on top. I lived as though that thought of mine was true until my mid-20's. Then life caught up with me. 

Slowly falling apart...

After 4 kids and a hard work life, my body just can't handle it. I have been diagnosed with so many health issues, all stemming from my back deformities, that I was easily depressed and so ready to throw in the towel when the pain got too hard. I'm too young and not close enough to death to qualify for real painkillers. So instead they offer anti-depressants to try to trick the brain into holding on to happy feelings longer. I'm not about that life, so I've chosen to go over the counter with my medicine intake. I take an Aleve and 1-2 Ibuprofen at a time. Sometimes twice a day, if it is really bad. 

These last several days have been really bad. All day, everyday. I feel as though my nerves are all fighting to have the most attention. As if every part of me is trying to ache at once. The right side of my chest, just under the breast, has an ache that makes breathing painful. So what do I do unconsciously? I stop breathing. Caught myself doing that a few times now. So then I'm battling lightheadedness on top of it all. 

Yesterday was the hardest. I kept having to catch myself from falling. Walking hurt. I lost feeling in my right leg. My chest hurt on both sides. And when my husband went to rub the lower back, he pressed the spot bothering me only to find a lump. When he pressed it, I cried out. I limped into church that morning and kept holding back gasps as pain shot through me. 

Letting it all go...

When we got home, I cried. I made lunch for my family and tried to keep the tears back. I don't cry in front of my family unless I just can't hold back or I can't hide from them. I was angry I ever promised my husband I wouldn't ask God to end it all for me. Pain messes with you in ways you are ashamed of. 

But the pastors message of Sunday came to mind. A reminder that I desperately needed. I have been praying for my healing daily. Praying that I can just be pain free and keep walking. The doctors keep saying they can't do anything. So what else am I to do? Every time I see one, something else has gotten worse. So I pray. 

Matthew 6:10 Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

But that doesn't mean I'm meant to be healed. Only according to God's will does a prayer get answered. Sometimes through natural ways, sometimes through a miracle. It really is a miracle I'm still walking today. Sometimes I feel like the original Little Mermaid. Not the Disney version. The Hans Christian Andersen version. Where she danced for the prince, even though it felt like her legs and feet were full of broken glass shards. What was with story-tellers like him?? Anyway, I sometimes feel the same kind of pain. Can't think of any other way to describe it, but I push on through it. Only by God's grace have I been able to get out of bed every morning. Have I been able to homeschool our kids. Have I been able to take care of my daily duties as wife and mother. It sure hasn't been easy. My determination has been sapped pretty heavily of late. Can't tell you how many times I wished someone else could take over for a bit. But I keep pushing on. I keep praying. My prayers remind me of Desmond Doss of Hacksaw Ridge.

So when I heard Sunday's message, that we have to pray knowing that it is only in God's will and His perfect timing that things happen as they do, that I am reminded to give it all over to God. I could not do anything without Him. I could not go on without His strength. And the fact that I'm suffering is because He is still working on my life. I can't give up. No matter how often I want to. I still have a purpose here. I still have something He needs me here for. I do know one of those things. He is working patience in me. 

2 Corinthians 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Light affliction, he says. This coming from a guy who was repeatedly imprisoned and had diseased eyes that caused pain. Who was beaten often and harshly. Light affliction. Why? Because this life is truly fleeting. What comes next is eternity. Free of pain. Free of sorrow. Reunited with loved ones who have gone ahead to the arms of Jesus. Together with them and Jesus!

So no matter how bad it gets, no matter how painful it is, remember this. Remember that this is for a short time. It will pass. And then...

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

Free Comic Book Day Fun

A couple days ago was Free Comic Book Day! I love it. Sort of like a mini comic con when it's done right. Plus, you walk away with free comics. Win-win! Truth be told, I don't really go for the comics though. The best part for me, is getting to cosplay. To be a character for a while. I haven't been cosplaying much in a while. Between life being so busy with 4 kids and not being able to get away for comic cons.... okay and dealing with the larger body size... I just haven't been able to work up the joy I used to have for this hobby of mine. However, I made the last minute decision to be Wanda aka the Scarlet Witch from the Avengers. I love Wanda's style. The red was a huge draw for me. Love red! Her story might be a sad one, but it ended on a good note. As far as I know. I haven't seen WandaVision. Since I don't subscribe to streaming services, I'll have to miss out on that show. So my knowledge of her comes from the movies. 

Last minute makings

My mom gave me 2 dresses. One maroon, one purple. Both identical otherwise. They are vintage styled. 50's, with empire waist and well flared skirts. I love them both. For the purple one, at first, I had the idea to create a Joker themed outfit. But I haven't had the time to start designing that yet. So my thoughts shifted to the maroon dress. 

I thought of 2 characters: Wanda from Avengers and Jean Grey from X-Men. Of course, for the latter one, that is the Phoenix or Dark Phoenix version. Like from the movie...

                                    After some deliberation, Scarlet Witch won my choice. 

Mind you, this was all configured the night before the event. So I worked in between gaming with my husband. It also meant that the designing was quick and not going to last for a long term cosplay with multiple uses. But that is okay. I like to switch it up. 

Piecing the style together

The dress came with a belt from my mom. The belt was too large for me - even after pulling it as tight as it was made to go. So I had to safety pin it from underneath. You can't see the pins, and the belt stayed in place! If I was to redo this, I'd go find a new belt to use that was smaller around my middle. I didn't have to do anything else to the dress though. 

I had these gloves from another cosplay I had before. They aren't the best, but they are versatile in their usefulness. I pulled them out and promptly forgot to bring them along... But they would have been awesome for this outfit! 

Of course, black boots seemed fitting. I have them. They matched. Good enough. One day I think I'll try to do something to make or get red boots. Especially if I do a Wonder Woman cosplay.... 

Red hair is a must. Scarlet is in her name and blends it all together so nicely. I have 2 wigs (so far). One is this red, and I have a blond. My husband loves them both. I can change my hair up in about 5 minutes without smelly dyes and semi-permanent results!  

I don't have a red cape. So instead I added this sleeveless long cardigan vest I have. I love this piece! And I hope to get another one. In blue this time. They work well with everyday wear as well as cosplay.

So what else is left? 

Now for the hardest part of this transformation. The headpiece. Considering I did this with cardstock and paint, you'd think it was super easy. You'd be wrong. I printed out this template from another cosplayer. She made it pretty simple, really. But it just didn't look quite right. It matched, don't get me wrong, but felt off. I couldn't quite figure it out. However, after making my own adjustments, I decided to just satisfy myself with it and move on. 

I did find another tutorial HERE that I think you should check out too. Pick the one that works best for you. If I do this again, I think I will use this one and make it with the worbla. 

I do suggest having elastic or a headband to attach it to so that you can wear it easier. I did this all the night before, so I just tucked the sides under my glasses. Big mistake. My hair came loose and the mask kept falling. I looked great for a little while though, so I'm not too torn up over it. We even had another cosplayer (Rocking Spider-man) ask for a group photo with us. Which, if you are a cosplayer, you know this is the highest form of admiration.

It's all for fun

Overall, I'm impressed with this get up. It was quick, easy, yet effective. We had fun as a family! My oldest son dressed up as a military/SWAT type guy (he's still piecing it together). My younger son was a Tusken Raider. My oldest daughter was a medieval princess. And my youngest was Elsa (even had some blue hair going on). My sons and I like to cosplay. My girls just want to dress pretty. But either way leads to fun! Sadly, my husband didn't dress up. He has a movie set-grade cosplay that he put together himself as a SWAT guy from the Resident Evil franchise. And he can easily outshine any cosplay I do with that! But this time, it was way too hot and he had another migraine. 

So now I want to hear from you! Do you cosplay? Who is your favorite character? I love hearing and even seeing them! Send me your Instagram details and I'll gladly follow you. Or email me at texanmama08 at g mail dot com. Show me what you have created! 

Game Night With Hues & Cues!

Our family loves trying new board games. Even more so when we can share game night with family and friends. We did just that on my daughter's birthday. We had Hues & Cues.

*Disclaimer: I was sent this party pack in exchange for my honest review as well as hosting a party. All opinions are strictly my own unless otherwise stated.*

Party fun starts now!

My daughter had a great birthday! And afterwards, we wanted to play a game. So we did! Hues & Clues is all about colors. It was something I had never played. Actually, none of us had! It was a completely new concept. I wasn't sure how well it would be received. Amazingly enough, it was hilarious for us. You think you know colors until you play this game. Seriously! 

So, I start reading the instructions. We gather our pieces and put them in place. Our friend was going first as she had the most colorful outfit (that was what the rules said!). My husband had opened the cards and put them in front of her. But he forgot to remove the non-game cards. You know those ones they include that talk about another game by the same company? Well, she had grabbed that card. It showed something like a chalkboard in slate gray. So, here I am reading the instructions as she studies this card with a confused look on her face. That was the start of our fun! 

Once we got the cards sorted out, she chose the first color option card. There are four colors on each card. They have the coordinates that match on the board. Your job, if you are the one drawing the card, is to give a 1 word hint about one of those colors. Everyone takes a turn trying to guess the color. Then they give another cue, aka a hint. This can be 1-2 words. And again, everyone makes another guess. Then they tell the coordinates. There is a point system that you follow based on who guessed the right color or at least was the closest. At one point, the two clues for one color was "sand" and "donut". Talk about triggering laughter! Or how about "sand" and "lemon lime"?? Oh that really was funny. It gives you a clue to what people associate certain colors with. She beat us all! The game goes for 2 rounds and the one with the most points is the winner. Takes about 30 minutes. 

Want to get one for yourself? 

Here are the places you can find them at:

Target - $17.69

Amazon - $17.69

Barnes & Noble - $24.99

What do you think about it? Would this be something you would like to try out? Why or why not?? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Miniatures of Life

Oh, my hobbies! I tease my husband. He has a wife who finds joy in painting rocks and playing with dolls. His response? At least it isn't snowflakes. All joking aside, he is thankful. My hobbies and the things that bring me joy cost him a lot less than other men have to pay to keep the wife happy. Especially when I can make my own things! 

Making miniatures

I create more realistic Barbie accessories for my doll scenes as well as for my daughters' dolls. It is amazing what you can make from things around the house or even things purchased cheaply. Check out some of the things I've been making lately. 

Barbie luggage

I'd seen this idea on Pinterest. It required so few pieces to make too. A plastic soap dish, a couple buttons, and they used a large fold over clip. My daughter asked me to use something else for the handle though.

For my Barbie, I plan to make a wooden trunk instead. My mom gave me these pretty little wooden boxes that I plan to test out some ideas on.

Still a work in progress!

Barbie dishes

This idea came from a video clip my sister sent me on Instagram. But you can also get the idea here. Amazing what you can do with little plastic containers (aka cut up pill packs), a bowl of water, and nail polish! Take the bowl of water, drip in some nail polish (gently! or it will just all sink to the bottom of the dish) and then dip the plastic container into it. Just dip the outer part. Leave the inside as is. And there you have it - crazy cool dishes that are the perfect size for Barbie and her friends.

Plate makeover

Not everything is handmade, but instead I give them a makeover. I loved the tiny plate set that my mother gave me. Their yellow color needed to change though. So I spray painted them white, added some rub-on transfer stickers and voila! You have elegant plates for the future kitchen I have yet to create. 

Books

My Barbie is definitely a Nerd. She can't have a home without books. Just not possible. So I started practicing making books. There are several techniques that you can use, based on your level of crafting skill. I'm still learning, so I started with just cutting card stock in the desired size, adding white crafting paper (thin kind) as pages, then decorating the fronts with stickers and tiny writing. These went to my girls. Next, I tried printing book covers. People have scanned and shrunk actual books photos to be the perfect size for dolls. And thanks to Pinterest, you can find them and make your own books. But there is another technique. Ever find something like this that came with a surprise toy?

My daughter asked me to turn it into a book for their dolls. It's adorable and SOOOOO easy!

It was the booklet that came in their LOL Tiny Toys box. You push it back together, staple the side, cut the pages edges and you have a book with colorful doll pictures in it.

Clothes

All dolls need clothes. Granted, my toddler did enjoy removing them mostly.  She is getting better about keeping her dolls clothed, now that I've been creating cooler ones. My latest one turned out pretty well. And it was super simple. Amazing what you can make from old clothes the girls outgrow... Anyhow, my oldest daughter asked for a long ruffled skirt. I ended up making it too long though and got the idea to make an evening dress instead. She loved it!

I created a Steampunk hat for this doll using a miniature hat my mom found at the craft store and some gears I had. I'm still debating on tiny goggles and a feather.... 

My attempt at this long sleeve dress for my daughter did not work out so well though...

As they say, you never know until you try. You also have to practice to get good. I've learned a bit more about piecing these things together. I put this skirt together too...

This kind of material is a pain to sew, but shimmers so nicely. My girls want this one when I finish with it.

As I said, not everything has to be made by hand. I found an oriental style dress and got the idea to pull out some drink umbrellas from Chinese New Year decorations (my husband had planned to decorate for my birthday and we just never did). I created this style and love it! 

I love finding things too. Like this Foosball table set from Walmart that was clearance! I grew up loving Foosball since we had a table. It is a fun way to pass the time. 

I've been following a couple Barbie influencers on Instagram. (Yes, they are thing!) My favorites are Grandma Gets Real and Bella_belladoll. It is amazing how popular this has become. I think each of us girls still wishes we could 'play' dolls and pretend that their life is our own. After all, who doesn't wish for that Malibu figure, endless shopping sprees, the Dreamhouse, a private jet - okay, okay, you get the picture! Besides, Barbie scenes look way more fun than people in photos often do. And they always get along with each other!