This post is for those who believe, but sometimes lose sight of what is important. As well as for those who think Christians are just a bunch of goody-goodies who can either do no wrong or when they do are hypocrites.
My husband has been doing a nightly Bible study with our children. He takes a book of the Bible and goes through, chapter by chapter and verse by verse. Explaining the stories within. And this recent one spoke to me as well. (Deuteronomy 7:6-24) It was of Moses, talking to the Israelites. Reminding them that they were God's chosen people. Yet, despite the miracles they witnessed, being freed from slavery in Egypt, protected from their enemies, and fed manna from heaven - they constantly complained. (Numbers 14:1-4 as one example) They forgot all those wonderful things and the meaning behind them. As a Christian, I do this too. I'm so happy when things are going well. But then something happens and the fear, worries, frustration - they all come flooding back. How easily I falter and forget!
We entered this year with high hopes. And indeed, have been greatly blessed. But no matter how many good times, there have been some dark times. Spots that tarnish the hopes we held so high. It is through these times that I'm realizing I need to be stronger in my faith. Because I'm human, I falter a lot. And I'm learning that God is still working on me with this.
Then the corona virus pandemic hit. People panicked and the isolation from everyone, including family, became a blight on the horizon. Especially when we found out my gallbladder needed to come out. The rotten organ had been festering for somewhere near a year as far as I can gauge. Full of painful stones, it was beginning to block the bile duct. However, removing the gallbladder is considered an elective operation, that during the pandemic shut down, required approval from the Surgical Board at the hospital. Instead, they thought they would unblock the bile duct temporarily until restrictions were lifted, then remove the gallbladder at a safer time. Unfortunately, my body had other plans. The pains grew daily, tormenting me. But I kept telling my husband that now wasn't the time. Who would watch our 4 walking biohazards - aka our kids - when the fear of spreading the disease had everyone avoiding each other? No, I told him. I'll hold out as long as I can. But in the end, that wasn't very long. I was angry and frustrated. My husband reminded me that God works in ways we can't see. (Joshua 1:9, Deuteronomy 31:6)
Fast forward to today, and I've just reached 4 weeks since the surgery. My husband finally convinced me to let go and trust that God had a plan. Thankfully, my in laws helped watched the kids while I was in surgery both times. My husband was able to take off to help. Then I had my follow up appointment via the phone. Based on my description of how I was feeling, I was asked to have blood drawn to check my white cell count and make sure I hadn't developed an infection. Here's the deal. I'm not normal, medically speaking. You can take my temperature and it won't read higher than 98.6. Never has. I had the chicken pox, Cat Scratch Fever, ear infections, strep, and then the worst - an unknown infection (that turned out to be a topical skin infection) embedded in the bone of my lower back. Through all of this, I never once registered as having a fever. Know what happens instead? I get chills. I feel like I'm freezing on the inside. My hands and feet feel cold to me. But when someone else touches me, I feel warm or hot to them. Not making this up, I've had doctors tell me I'm a freak of nature. To date - 3 of them to be exact. I remember each one vividly. I'm an anomaly. Runs in the family. It was 79ยบ on a recent afternoon, and I was laying wrapped in microfiber blankets, wearing fuzzy winter socks and laying on a heating pad. Shivering. That's what my husband calls a fever. It's what I call a total waste of my time. I'm MOM. I don't have time to feel illness or pains. Here is the frustration. Again.
Time to be reminded. Again. I was so thankful that they approved the surgery. So thankful that we had the couple thousand dollars saved to pay for our part of it. So glad that my mother and sister in law were able to watch the kids. So how could I suddenly feel like a nervous wreck just because I might be experiencing a fever? Hasn't God been watching over us? He's gotten me this far after all. The answer is simple.
I'm human. A Christian human. Struggling to follow Christ, while fighting the flesh.
God knew I had other medical issues. He knew I'm stubborn. Hardheaded. So He made sure I had no other choice. And I've been learning so much from it. I thought I was such a patient person before. Guess I needed a refresher in that course. I'm learning that I have to wait on others to help me. Lifting a pan of casserole from the oven had me resting in the recliner with an ice pack for a long while. Trying to lift my toddler to go potty had me hurting for a couple hours after. I can't be as independent as I wanted. I'm strong willed, but not strong bodied. Not anymore. And I needed to come to the acceptance of this.
All this has also worked on my thankfulness. I'm so thankful to have my husband. He has had to miss work, come running when I call out to him and even handle household things that fall under my jurisdiction. He has cooked for us. Done the laundry. Kept the kids from constantly coming to me when I needed to rest. All while trying to take an online course for a certification. I have never felt so blessed as I do now. We don't always have help. Especially during this pandemic season. It's mostly just us two, trying to make this work. I still have occasional pain and don't always sleep well. I cramp after meals because the digestion process is still learning to cope without the gallbladder. Some nights I really DO NOT want to cook. Heck, I don't even have much of an appetite anymore. I have already lost 4 pounds. Yay! But I know I can't just skip it. There are 4 ravenous mouths to feed. Okay 5, the husband needs to eat too.
