My children and I did a fun project in our homeschool. It was called the Family Interview, by Wondermom Wannabe. I had them do it while we were still participating in a homeschool co-op I was coordinating for. My son decided to direct one of the questions to me. It was, "What is something few people know about you?" That was actually tough for me. I don't hide much, if anything. I'm a very open person. More so than even my husband would like at times. After thinking for a while, my answer was this, "I'm afraid of being a failure at anything." Of course, later on, I came to the thought that I could have told him I know how to weld. Most people don't know that one! But he had shared what I had told him in our class. It truly is something that I strive to never deal with. Failure.
If I compare myself to others, I know I will most likely feel as though I have failed in a lot of ways. I think the ONLY thing I could say I'm more successful in than most, would be in how I've raised my children. But I digress.
An email I get every Friday, called the Friday Connect, comes from my husbands home church back in Colorado. I often receive encouragement from it. This past week, I got something relevant to a situation I have recently gone through.
First the message...
This encouragement covers something that I struggle with.
"Disappointment is tied directly to our expectations. When we project unrealistic expectations upon others, it’s inevitable that people will let us down, churches will let us down, spouses will let us down, and disappointment will surround us. Be careful what you expect from others. Let your expectations be rooted in your relationship with Jesus. He came to be a servant, the servant of all! Imagine that, the Son of God, choosing to serve. Are we greater than Jesus? No way. Friend, the solution to your current frustration may simply be a readjustment of your expectations. Go back to the cross of Christ and die there, again, and again and again. When you choose to die to yourself so that you live to Jesus, disappointments disappear!"
Then the application...
I was asked to start a homeschool group by the pastor of our local church. Originally, I wasn't the only one asked. But the other lady dropped out almost immediately as she said it was destined to fail. My hopeful personality thought it wouldn't be able to fail. It was hosted by the church. Everyone acted excited. We even had someone donate to the fund for supplies on the very first day of starting! No. This was going to work. With my determination, I knew I could do it.
But like the text above says, "When we project unrealistic expectations upon others, it's inevitable that people will let us down..." While I wouldn't say that my expectations were unrealistic, they were overly hopeful, and unaligned to what others expected from this endeavor. My expectations for the group itself may have been unrealistic though. I had thought that the others who would be joining us would be like me as far as being a homeschooling Mom. I had grown up as a homeschooler. All our friends were homeschoolers. I knew the ropes. I knew the styles. I wasn't expecting what I was met with. Parents who were nothing like us in the homeschooling department. Scratch that - Most of them are nothing like us. Whether it is how we parent. How we teach. Or even in what we believe, in some cases. Many days, I felt so overwhelmed. Everything was in my court. And everything moved quickly.
So when the beginning of the end came around, my husband had to be talked into allowing me to continue. After all, I could do this. I had been put in charge of a Battalion of children, ages 11-18 for a boot camp in the Naval Sea Cadet Corps. I am the oldest of 10 kids. And my 4 kids are often the best-behaved kids you will see wherever we go. No way would I let this fail!
But fail it did.
I couldn't see this as anything but negative, especially in my part. I must have failed. I must not be doing something right. As I talked to people involved, I came to see that most of those participating were waiting for the group to die or had already decided to bail as soon as I gave up. I felt even worse as this realization hit. I felt as though I was the only one who enjoyed these classes, as far as the adults were concerned. So I must have failed! Or did I? I had a close friend who was part of this adventure talk to me when things fell apart. Her heart was broken for me. I wasn't seeing how any of this could be good. But she had a word of encouragement for me through it all.
Instead of seeing this as my fault, my shortcoming, or that my expectations for this working out were too high, she said that I should see this as a training by God. For something else in the future. I learned what others are like. People who aren't as dedicated. I learned how to lay stronger boundaries. How to not get run over by everyone else as I try to positively impact children's lives. It was your classic, take the test and learn the lesson afterwards thing. Isn't that what life is truly like, though?
Taking the next steps.
I miss teaching the class. I miss the kids. But now, I'm devoting myself to my own kids. And who knows, maybe one day soon I will be a part of a new co-op. But even if I don't, I will teach my kids with my enthusiasm. With the passion I have for learning together with them. We have been doing a lot on our own already.
We have also been considering the other options that this family may have. Options that will lead to changes for us all. We wouldn't have been looking so hard if that last straw hadn't broken this camels back. But since it did, we are excited about a new chapter that may start very soon! I will keep moving forward. Not dwelling on what may be perceived as a failure.
