Reliving the memories

I was cleaning out the Hotmail account that I had used when I was married. I had so many saved emails in there. One by one, I sorted through them. My folder now holds about 49 emails for me to trash or transfer. Among them, are gems that my mother sent me. I've been re-reading them and feeling so loved. She has been the most amazing woman. She is strong, wise, compassionate and always forgiving. I saved these emails to reference when I was feeling lost, worthless, hopeless, or just needed a reminder that she was still there - remembering me. She is a busy woman who has 8 of her kids at home. Only her two oldest are moved out and living on their own. But even though we are way out in Texas, she makes time to check in. She wants to know what we are doing. And she is constantly offering assistance in some way.

I would not be the woman I am today without her. She could have given up. She could have walked away. She could've said it was too much. But she never did. And I don't think she ever will. Instead she shares her experiences and reminds me that we all make mistakes. That no matter what choices we make, we have the chance to change and grow through them. As long as we keep learning, we can continue to move forward. I can't tell you how many times she helped me, possibly without knowing, through the darkest moments of my life. And she wasn't alone. We adopted our Nana S. I have emails from her that paint a story of what she went through in her life. Her experiences also reminded me to stand tall. The two of them encouraged my growth to independence. They reminded me what I am capable of when I stop letting someone else control me. My dad also emailed me. Encouragement, scriptures and words of his regrets and how they shaped his future decisions.

I want to share some of them with you. And while reading, I want you other parents to think of something. I want you to consider leaving letters and notes to your kids. Talk about what you are going through. What they are doing. What about them makes you proud to be their parent. Keep them together. And when you think they need it most, or when they old enough - pass them on. You might be surprised when your words become their light in a darkness they feel engulfed in. I saved cards, letters and emails from the people I loved and respected most during my life. I treasure each one more than silver and gold. And they have helped me get back on the path of happiness when I needed it most. 

From my mother nearly 7 years ago: 

"Here is a reminder of who you are. As I was running this morning, I wanted to give up. I put on my Cd and when this song came on, I remembered when it was just you and me. You always kept me going when I just wanted to quit. Again, you are in my heart and never letting me give up. I love you so much. You are the blessing from God that keeps me going. I know the other children are important gifts to me but I can always think of you and a time when it was ONLY you that never let me just quit. I am who I am today in part from having you (only the good part). Don't forget who you are as your life goes on. I have for many years forgot who I am and some days, I can't figure it out. You are someone's mom and wife but you will forever be my "Suzzane". And that is a LOT!!"

I will always be your mom.

Sadly, the song she sent was removed from YouTube. 

After having a rough night with my firstborn, I had emailed her.  She responded with this:

"It is so hard being a parent. It is hard getting the child into the world. It is hard raising them to be good citizens. Then it is hard to watch them walk out of your life to start their own. We will always love you all and wish for a better life then what we have. Can you understand? Now that you have your own, I know you see things differently now. I am so here for you day or night. If you need me, just call. I love you more than you can EVER know."

5.9.2010 For Mother's Day
"I know I was a good mom because I look at the job you're doing and see that work paid off. You are a great mom and I love you very much. Happy Mom's Day."

I could go on with words from those who love me most. When I told my fiance about them, I mentioned the idea of writing to each of our children in a notebook. Then when they are older, we will give them the notebooks. I want to leave memories, encouragement, and words of love they can lean on later in life. 

Creating the music list for the best day of our lives

Every wedding deserves a playlist that speaks volumes about the couple. My fiance and I, however, took our list a step further. We asked family and friends what songs they love. What would they want to play? After all, they have a dance floor opening up to them. But if the music is all us, they won't want to get up and move. We are nerds. There is Linkin Park, techno, maybe some anime tunes... Yeah, I can see a lot of motionless people now. So we have a huge mix. Techno, country, pop, foreign, set dance (what do you call a song that calls out the moves?), old and classic songs, as well as classic rock. We even have Lindsey Stirling! I respect that this day is ours. That it is all about us, but how do we expect to have a great time if everyone around us is miserable, silent and itching to escape? 
So I compiled a list on my YouTube account to show you how we Nerds roll. Just know, there are songs that I had on the list from my computer that don't show on the YouTube one. But I am curious. What songs did you have? What song would you want?  

Pains of motherhood

Today was the day. The day my younger son went under for a procedure meant to save his hearing. About a month or so ago, we took him in for a hearing check up when he didn't pass the one his pediatrician did. They found that he had a hard build up in front of his ear drums that prevented him from hearing well. His education was suffering as a result. So the specialist recommended that we try to remove the blockage.
As a mother, I balked at the suggestion. Even though it's outpatient, there are risks. But it had to be done.

I didn't put much thought to it until the day of. I wanted to stay positive. He acted a little frightened when we talked about it the night before. His attitude has been a resilient one though. My little trooper! I find I get strength from him. My stomach twists in knots, but I continued to make jokes and offer him encouragement throughout the process of paperwork and questions. We joked about wearing matching bracelets.

And about what food we will eat when we leave. My poor guy hadn't eaten since dinner last night around 5:30 pm. So he was starving!
When we went to the back, we had Nurse Rose. She was so sweet. Gave  me a warm blanket (I'm a popsicle) and gave him some crayons and coloring pages. It definitely helped to ease the passing of time while we waited. While he colored, we talked about the picture and the hospital. It helped me through the process especially. My heart was glad that he wasn't showing signs of anxiety. 

We had to be there at 9:45 AM. Surgery was scheduled at 10:45 AM. They didn't come get him until noon.As a mother, this hurt me. My little guy loves to eat. He is hungry often. And the fact he had to go so long without... I wanted to jump down some throats. But I had to refrain. 
Then the doctor comes by at noon to let us know what will happen. After they take him, it takes roughly 10 minutes for the procedure. Then 30 for the recovery. Allen asked me to set the timer up. So I did. From the time they took him until we were reunited was 56 minutes. Can you imagine how wound up my nerves were?! My mother can. She was texting me while I waited. I had three ear-related surgeries as a child. I also had my tonsils and adenoids removed at age 2. Then I had 3 major spinal operations. Did I stress my mother? You bet. And at least once, my dad cried. Especially when "complications" happened. How many of you parents have heard that word and your heart sank within you? It is a sucker punch, no matter what words follow. Your mind races as you struggle to hear what else they are saying. And that is precisely where I was when the doctor finally came out to talk to me. There were complications in the removal of the blockage. But at last, he had success. Then he tells me they will be coming to get me soon to go back to recovery. Yeah... of course. Fast forwarded to the nurse finally making her way to me, I go back to see my baby still passed out and hooked up to oxygen with a tube down his throat.

Just hit me already. They try to remove the tube, and Allen suddenly has a moment of wakefulness. He jerks upright, eyes wide, gasping and struggling against the nurses. His mouth clamped over the tube, teeth holding it in place. We are all telling him to release his hold and open his mouth. They start pulling on it, trying to pry it out. I stand slightly behind them, hoping he hears me and calms down. Hoping he sees me and knows everything is okay. Part of me chokes. I'm watching my child in his frightened discomfort and I'm helpless to assist him.
This is what mothers do. This is what we live for. Striving to give them the best in life, but watching their moments of dismay, pain, fear. And doing everything we can to help them through it. When we finally got through that, he slowly came to. I got a small wave that reminded me of how a drunk waves. After some apple juice, he regained his voice. His mouth had been dried out and chapped. He wasn't fully smiling and laughing, but he wasn't in pain. They hand over the discharge papers and read over warnings and things to watch for. Bleeding? Dizziness and light-headedness seemed right. Fever and vomiting I understood. But bleeding from his ears?! 
I'm so glad it is over now. That he is done and has been doing exceptionally well all the rest of today. Tomorrow he will go back to school and I look forward to hearing all about it. Because that is what truly makes me happy. Having my babies safe and healthy.

Who needs Monday?

Is it just me, or do most Mondays suck? Even more so after a weekend that is bittersweet. We had a great time with Free Comic Book Day, but we also had sickness to battle. My 7 year old left school on Friday, throwing up and feverish.

That afternoon and night he seemed to sleep it off. Saturday we had fun. Saturday night into Sunday morning, right back to the grind. This is a crazy illness. No other symptoms beyond vomiting and fever. Plus it is sudden. Saturday night my oldest and my 4 year old simultaneously began vomiting. Between running back and forth to each child, running up and down the stairs with laundry, and then waking up to a sick fiance who left work early from the same illness... I'm ready for today to end  already. And it's only just after 3PM! Amazingly enough, they are acting as though they had a full recovery. Playing, yelling, and being their normal selves. My fiance... not so much. He's still struggling against his fever and a queasy stomach. 
I also have the other kids I'm watching today. With them, lots of snotty nose-wiping. 

So I propose that we skip Monday and go straight to Tuesday. No one needs it, right? Right?! What about you? Are you a Monday person? Glad for the weekend to be over so you can be around people again?

Or do you dread it like the plague?