Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail: Executive Style

I know stupidity runs rampant.

No matter where you go, you will have at least one idiot who can ruin even the best of days. And that person is usually the one with the "boss" title. Mine is at Executive level. With boobs so big, she can't fit through a door with another person simultaneously and only enough knowledge to get her by, she runs the show haphazardly and makes us question how much she gets paid (or who she slept with) to get her position of authority. She's known throughout the lower levels of employees for running her mouth, being suggestive, and having plenty of bad ideas. Thanks to some of her ramblings, I've been nicknamed the Backroom Hooker.

The jokes that follow that line of thinking have been funny to downright my-face-feels-like-its-on-fire.

Conversations with her are avoided often. She is avoided as much as possible. Since she came on... the following things have made working at that store a near nightmare.

After being there maybe a week, she tried to question almost all of us in the back room about our relationship status. She wanted to know who was dating and who was married. She has been married at least twice and working on number three. Explains where she got the money for her manufactured breasts. Her conversation with me went along these lines....
Her: "Wow, you look so dressed up today. Got a hot date after work?"
Me: "I'm not all dressed up, its just a skirt. But no, Backroom is my date! I'm not divorced, yet after all."
Her: "Are you kidding? Dating while going through a divorce is the best! I've had my best dates then."
Me: "Um... wow."

After being our Executive Team Leader (ETL) of Logistics for a couple months, she began to teach us new lingo on the tools and terminology for the back room.  
She showed us the upper shelving and the way things should look in a perfect back room. Then she says, "Don't forget to use your back room hooker."
Now, this is a new term for us. Sure we know about the metal hooks we use to pull things from the back of the steel shelves to the front. It helps us keep a healthy zone while eliminating our need to actually climb onto the shelves and possibly hurt ourselves. Did we know it's called a "hooker"? No! So, she got incredulous looks as a reply.
"You know, those metal hooks? Those are hookers. Didn't you guys know that?"
No...
She starts up her talk again and ends with, "Now don't forget guys (looks at the guys), utilize your back room hooker (looks at me and winks)."
What the...?! The guys all look at me and a couple smile. I could feel my face turning red. I immediately went from Backroom wife (because I'd cook and bake and clean up for my team) to being a hooker. Let's just say the jokes haven't ended and won't. I've learned to just roll with it.
She's told us to go "topless". We needed an explanation and were told it's where everything on the top shelves are brought down.
She told an older male ETL he could "use" one of our younger guys for "whatever purposes he wanted". Poor guy is now picked on for being that ETL's "boy toy".
When we spoke about our hopes for the back room and getting it as close to perfect as we could, she told us "Hope is for the weak and dying."

While receiving a food truck, the driver was hitting on me pretty strong. Trying to get my number, ask about my Facebook page, and ask me out when his divorce was settled. Did she step in for me? Nope. Just laughed. But when our receiving guy who is old enough to be my grandfather and has been nothing but a sweetheart to me, gives me a hug... She asks if I felt sexually harassed. 😐 Are you kidding me?! Her ideas of harassment are way out of line. 
We have designated areas for certain large-container products that work well for our safety and ease of back stocking. Like pillows being on the top shelves along a wall. "We need to make this look pretty. Move them to the bedding aisle." Now we have to haul boxes as tall as ourselves up a ladder to the top shelves down an aisle. The one assigned to that task did so, only to then be told to move them to the back of the aisle since it still wasn't "pretty enough" if we could see it.
Appearances mean everything to her. Obviously. What others think of her and the back room, also matter. Whatever happened to "Don't let others' opinions of you, affect you. Be yourself and do good. It will all work out. Don't worry about what others think of you." Nope, it doesn't apply to you when you're an adult working in retail. Appearances are everything then.
All these months of dealing with her and listening to the things that come from her delusional mind have given two teams in our store something to hate as well as laugh at. Today, she really messed up. Will anyone notice? Probably not on the executive level.
We came in, and started our normal routine. We were already behind since the closer couldn't complete his part and back stock product was scattered everywhere. We had two trucks; general merchandise and a food truck. After pulling the morning stock, she had "projects" lined up to beautify the back room and present as close to perfection as possible to her special visitors today. Did she let us back stock? No. Did she let us start pulling down the pallets from the truck? No. "Make it pretty." We brought everything low and tight. This took a lot of time.
We get done with that and back stock starts rolling in with the pallets we have yet to finish from the truck. On top of this, food truck delivery was twice its normal size and coming up fast. So here's our team, struggling to keep up. What's her solution? "If you work faster, you'll finish faster."
Seriously?

We didn't stand much of a chance. They had their visitor and the higher ups didn't even bother to really give us a look over. They peeked in and moved on. Less than five minutes I'm guessing. All that work.... for nothing! Way to go! So much for prepping for the inspection. But what do you expect from an exec who has no idea how  to plan ahead? By the time I left (past my scheduled time again), the freezer looked like this:

And the best part? Look at us, being ever so safe!

You got it! The fire exit was blocked. To the left, our paper products which are edged by chemicals and lighter products. Now let's think about this a minute.... what happens if there is an accident? A single spark, turned blaze, and no exit. I see a future of deaths, lawsuits and plenty of finger pointing. Come on people! But what do I know? I'm just another loser working in retail.

Welcome to my crazy world!

Happy Independence Day!

First off, let me start by saying... Happy Fourth of July and Independence Day!!! Technically we actually gained our independence on the second on July as signatures were gathered, but on the fourth is when the Declaration of Independence was officially adopted. But I digress. Enjoy today's festivities! And remember what it means to be free. For all those English readers, better luck next time? And no hard feelings. We would be speaking proper English and drinking tea every afternoon had we been the ones to lose.  http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/july-4th

Anyhow... I'm awake and preparing for a full day (and then some) at our wonderful *insert sarcasm here*  retail store, at 12:37 AM. This comes after a glorious 4 or so hours of sleep as I ended up tossing and turning from a blinding light that was still shining at 8 PM. I think the Texas sun needs to go down earlier. And/or I need blackout curtains. I had to take my daughter upstairs as I found her sleeping on the couch and my husband on his recliner. 

Back to school season is in full swing for us retail employees. You aren't seeing the products roll out just yet. But next week, check the seasonal section at the back of your local Target and you should see a wide variety of supplies magically on the shelves over night. You can thank the Target fairies for that.

For my part, I'll be back stocking everything that rolls off the trucks until then. We are getting mountains of office and school as well as pallets full of supplies for your holiday party needs. Yesterday I worked a 12 hour shift, 4 AM to 4 PM exactly. Got a workout like no other. Today will probably be similar with the exception of time and a half pay! 

But the best part is what comes after my work day is over. Fun with friends as we celebrate freedom! I'll be buying key ingredients to make some heavenly brownies to bring. And it will be the kick start to a work-free weekend. 

Tomorrow I look forward to taking my family to Brick Fiesta here in San Antonio. (http://www.brickfiesta.com/) If you're a local Lego fan, you do not want to miss it! Between all the MOC's (My Own Creation's) that AFOL's (Adult Fans Of Lego's and some younger) put together for display, the vendors selling Lego products, and just an all around good time - it's worth seeing. My favorite Lego vendor will be there as well. San Antonio Plastic Bricks will be one of the first ones you should see. (http://www.sanantonioplasticbricks.com/)And probably where I'm likely to hang out if I get tired of wandering around (as if!). Check out a sneak peek at something you will see there and remember to have a wonderful weekend! Like SAPB on Facebook and see all the amazing things you could build with just a little help.https://m.facebook.com/SanAntonioPlasticBricks

Stay safe and have fun!!! 

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail: Part 5 I'll Have Your jobs!

Retail gives you more than experience in work. It gives you extra patience, a better outlook on your own intelligence level, and humorous stories to relive over and over. I've been witness to all sorts of things. I've seen a child burst into tears and tell his mother that she was "breaking" his heart because she wouldn't get the candy he wanted. I've had little girls want high fives on their way out.
Sometimes though, you come across people who are out to ruin the night with their bad attitudes. We have some of those that are regulars. Known for making trouble and being verbally abusive. Like the one that stopped by last night. First time I've ever encountered her.
She came and loaded a cart with various items she wanted. Most of which were clearance. Then she remembered that she left her payment method at home. To the Guest Service desk she goes. "I want to leave this here while I run home to get my card. I'll be right back!" This was about 8 PM or a little before.
What's wrong with this scene? First, we don't hold clearance for anyone. Against Target policy don't you know! But we were trying to provide excellent customer service and doing her a favor. She did say she'd be right back... right? Secondly, 9/10 people who say "hold this for me" won't come back at all. Do you know how much food we throw out? How much merchandise we have to rush to put back out on the floor before closing time? All because someone didn't bring their money. Well, guess what happens next.
9:45 rolls around and that cart is still there. We have 15 minutes to get everything set up for closing and hope we get out on time. So I made the choice to reshop everything. I figured she was just like the other 9/10 people that says they will be back but never do. Clothing was picked up by the team members in that department immediately. Everything else went into the carts. 9:55 comes up and we are feeling great because closing time is almost here and we have everything ready so we can walk out as soon as we verify no one is in the store. But here walks in Trouble... Yep. She came back in. 5 MINUTES BEFORE CLOSING!
"Where is my cart?!"
"Well, ma'am, we returned everything to their rightful areas."
"WHY?"
"We are preparing for closing and you hadn't returned to the store."
"I said I was coming back, didn't I? Don't assume I'm like the 98% who say they will, but never do. That's wrong of you."
Then comes a long rant about wanting to call our store manager and how the security guard (me) will be escorting out this employee come tomorrow with a "Have a nice day and you're fired." She claims to have worked for a Target store before and knows company policy. She says we shouldn't have re-shopped everything until right at closing as that's the rules. There's a lot of things I wanted to say... But I was trying too hard not to laugh to open my mouth. And then she brought back a return to top it off! 5 minutes before closing?! What store did you work for, honey? Because I can tell you that 5 minutes before closing, all but 1 register is closed, all the reshop is put away and we are clearing the building of guests. We plan to go home ON TIME! We don't want to hear about your store. We don't care who you worked for or what region you came from. We are on a mission and nothing you say or do is going to change that. If anything, its going to make our resolve stronger. So zip it and move along.
I have to commend the incredible poise and dignity displayed by my coworker who was dealing with this piece of work. He didn't raise his voice, referred to her as Miss, kept a polite tone, and provided the best Vibe possible as if there weren't any issues at all. Then when her words didn't rattle him as she wanted, she turned to the rest of us and apologized for us having to work with "such a guy". My answer? "I LOVE working with him! He's a really great guy." Another coworker chimes in, "He's a great guy to work with." Another, "Oh, I like working with him! Don't apologize for us." The look on the lady's face was PRICELESS! I'd love to have a copy of it hung in the break room. She mumbled something about not understanding how we can stand it when half his coworkers and most of the guests she's met say how much they hate him. Sweetheart, we all know you are lying. He's one of the top performing employees of our store with some of the highest guest compliments given. I've worked with him for over a year and never heard a guest complain about him unless they were upset that he wouldn't bend the rules to fit their fancy. So shut the pie-hole and get out of my store. While she's ranting, I gathered what was left of her cart items and we rang them up for her. She freaks out at this and tells us no, because we are all going to be in trouble and she wasn't buying anything until she talks to the store manager. Then she grabs a bag that was on the counter and acts as though she's going to walk out with it. At this point I say, um, no! "Did she pay for that?" She stops and turns around then brings the unpaid for merchandise back. "Now I'm getting so upset that I forgot I didn't pay. Keep it!" And she throws it down. "Do you want us to hold these items for you to get tomorrow?"
"Yes, I do. You ruined my trip and now I have to start over."
"I remember your name started with a C but can you tell me the name again please, miss?"
"No! I already told you my name today and if you can't remember it, then you are out of luck."
"Well, miss I can't hold them if I don't have a name."
"Too bad. You hold them and remember my name." At this point she begins to walk towards the door. Before she even gets there I tell them to reshop everything. "If we don't have a name, we don't hold the items. Put everything in their carts." She stops at the door and starts yelling something about how we will remember her name tomorrow when we get fired for being such poor Target employees. Everyone was ignoring her though. Why give her the benefit of an audience when the performance was such a poor one? As soon as she was gone, there were high fives and cheers all around. Why? Because we are Target's finest. We don't let people bully us and heavens to Betsy, she wasn't going to ruin our night with anything she had!
The previous night we had a known trouble maker who tries repeatedly to fraud the system with coupons. Well, ma'am, the gig is up. We know your face and MO and its not happening. As a matter of fact, everyone has been warned. You might want to take your business out of town from now on. She always comes in at closing. She doesn't get to the checkout lanes until 5 minutes before closing. She has a stack of coupons, most of which don't match or aren't able to be processed without managers approval. We deny them because of her reputation. She's cursed at least half of the managers out. She is verbally abusive to the cashiers. She hates my guts as I won't leave the front until she does and will have no problem returning her icy stare. She promised to have us fired too. It didn't happen. She claimed Target gave her a $100 gift card. But she didn't spend it, so that's probably bogus too.
Then we have people who think its okay to solicit in the stores. Target is a privately owned company. Target stores are private property. They have a strict No Solicitation policy. You get caught doing it, you will be asked to cease or leave. Get caught a second time, you will most likely be asked to leave. A third time will result in trespass warnings or calling the police to trespass you. Step foot in that store again and you get arrested for violating a trespass warning. This particular guest thinks she should be exempt from that because she's promoting her book and no other guests asked her to stop. She has since screamed at another security guard, yelled at a manager, and now has added the front lanes leader to her "get fired" list. I've got news for you, its not going to happen!
A lesson from the wise... Don't come to Target with your attitude, people! Most especially not at closing time. Don't try to sell other guests something, we don't need your health food books. Don't use and abuse your coupons and you won't make it on our black list. You won't run us down. We just "ain't gonna take it!"

Bad Parenting meets the Retail Team

I get a call asking for my assistance and make my way to where I’m needed. A coworker is there with two young girls looking for their mother. Just as I arrive the mother is claiming her children. “See what happens when you wander off?” - is all she had to say. No - thanks for finding my daughters! No – oh I was so worried about you two!

So I asked what the story was and how they came to be with my coworkers. While one of the women was straightening aisles, the two girls came by alone and looking scared. The worker asked if she could help them find something. They told her they had lost their mom and were trying to find her. When the worker offered to have their mom paged on the intercom system, they were immediately terrified and begged her not to do that. “I remember what happened the last time I did that. I was in so much trouble! Please don’t do that.” What the?! Excuse me?? They began crying at this point so the employee told them she would just walk with them and try to help them find their mom and when they found her, she would walk away so the girls wouldn’t be in any trouble. And that’s what they did. What kind of mother punishes her kids so horribly that they are afraid to call her if they get separated or to ask for help? Suppose someone in the store colors who wasn’t an employee found them and tricked them into coming outside? Suppose mom didn’t come around the corner just a few minutes later and get them? NEVER should a parent make their kids scared to ask for help, especially in a large retail store! If you are embarrassed to have your name paged, don’t bring your kids with you. OR pay more attention. I’m willing to bet, she was the one who kept walking when the girls had stopped to look at something and didn’t realize mom wasn’t there. I also wouldn’t be surprised if she punished them when they got home. Like they say… Any idiot can be a mom. But it takes a lot of love, patience, and understanding to be a Mother. You Madam, are not worthy of being a Mother.

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 4: Are You Security?

So, you know I work in retail. I’m a security guard in retail. I wear a Navy blue uniform with a badge and name tag, carry a mini Mag Lite and even a pair of real handcuffs. Most days I can stand for hours in the front and basically people watch. You strike me as suspicious or look like our “regulars” I might even follow you through the store.
This is what I really look like at work. Remember this for later:

One nice day, I’m trapped inside watching everyone coming and going. This guy had just finished buying his stuff and walks towards me as he heads out the door.

A puzzled look crosses his face. “Are you security?” (Remember the picture above??)

In my head I’m saying, “No, I just randomly dress like security and waste nice days inside.”

“Yes, sir, I am,” I reply with my plastered on smile.

“Well, you are the cutest security guard I have ever seen,” he says with a wink.

What?! Cute?? I’m going for intimidating!!! Security guards aren’t meant to be cute. Okay maybe the really hot guys with guns are classifiable as cute, but not the skinny chick wearing hand me downs from the previous guy guards.

“Why, thank you, sir.” I have to be nice after all. Its retail, dont'cha know!

About five minutes later, another guy walks in.  This one is older, wearing a black shirt that says CATS (yes, as in the play) across the front and has eyes in the back. He stumbles my way and gets just a little closer than I’d like. “Are you security?” Alcohol breath flows hot and heavy into my face.

I’m strongly tempted to reply with a sarcastic, “Nope. I’m just playing dress up as a security guard today. Tomorrow I’ll be a princess with a purple pony.”

“Yes, sir. I’m security. Can I help you with something?”

“Well, if I ever get arrested, I hope you’re the one arresting me!”

*Insert metal head slap here* This is probably what he thinks he sees:

“Where’s the pharmacy at?”

I point and give directions. He leans too close and looks at where my finger is pointing.

A few minutes go by and he comes back by. I get a call warning me about a drunk who just bought cough syrup wearing a CATS shirt. Good times people. Now if they will just let me come to work looking like this....

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 3: The Missing Car Dilemma

I'm all for elderly having their independence and keeping their rights to live like they want. Just not when they can't remember something as simple as what they drove to the store in....
It's a nice afternoon. I'm standing at the front watching people as they come in and go out. It had been relatively peaceful that day.
The cart attendant comes up and asks if I was going to help "that lady". *Insert confused face here.*
"What lady?"
"That one". He points to the side door where two women are standing practically blocking the entrance.
"Which one? There are two. And why does she need my help?"
"I walked the whole parking lot with her because she lost her car."

Lost her car? I'm doing a mental forehead slap here as I walk over to this lady. She's got a cart full of merchandise that she just bought. She's blocking the entrance, talking to this other woman that's on the phone.
"Can I help you with anything?"
"Oh, yes! I can't find my car. I'm certain I parked it right here in front of the doors. And now it's not there!"
The other lady asks if she's sure it was the black car.
"Yes! I only have a little black car. I don't have another." The lady insists there's only one car.
"What about the green Miata? The dark green one?"

"I don't have a dark green car. It's black."
"Well, ma'am. I'd be happy to help you look for your car if you wanted me to." I mean that's my job, right? Helping people no matter how crazy they are...
"Oh that would be wonderful! Would you please?" She tries to turn and walk out the entrance doors only to find they won't open.
"Ma'am, the exit doors are this way."
We finally get outside and she keeps giving me the same description of a "little black car" that she "parked right here in front". We are standing at the side entrance though. I point to each black car I see and she keeps saying, "No, that's not it."
I'm beginning to think a cab would be a wonderful suggestion for her. We slowly go around to the front. I see a dark green Miata parked halfway down the lot to the side of the entrance. "Is that it? Oh wait, you said it was a little black car. That's a dark green Miata."
"Where?" She squints and puts her hand over her eyes even though dusk has already fallen. "Oh, my gosh! That's it! That's my car! How'd it get there? I thought for sure I parked closer to the door."
Another mental head slap.
"Thank you so much!"
Someone please take away her license before she forgets how to drive.

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail Returns (say that 5 times fast)

I thought you might enjoy another dose of humor. So here is a days worth of fun (triple bonus!). Hope you enjoy!

Popcorn brings out the strange in people….

I was standing at the front by the checkout lanes. Behind me is the Cafe. The gentleman working in there comes out to stand next to me and chat. An older lady comes up to us wanting popcorn.
"Right this way, Miss and I can get that for you," the employee says.
"What sizes do you have?" She asks.
"We have one size; small, medium and large - all rolled up into one," he tells her.
"I want a small!"
I couldn't help myself, I just had to walk away laughing.

Earlier that same morning there was someone else that went into the Cafe wanting popcorn. A deaf girl who was with her grandmother decided to pop in on their way out. Both were signing away as they finished checking out. As they neared the doors to exit, the girl stops and tells her grandmother she's going to get a drink and popcorn. The grandma says sure, go ahead.
So in walks the girl and orders her drink and a small popcorn. The lady behind the counter takes her order and hands her a cup. Then she pulls out the popcorn bag and fills it to almost overflowing. As the girl walks back to her grandmother, she has a puzzled look on her face. Her grandma asks why she got a bigger size.
"I didn't! I ordered a small and this is what the lady gave me."

That day must have been Crazy for Popcorn Day. And from it I have a third interesting fellow to tell you about.
He walks in and orders popcorn. But he tells the employee behind the counter that he only wants popcorn that is all the same color.
He wanted only buttered (yellow) or non-buttered (white) pieces in his bag.
"I'm sorry sir, I can't separate the popcorn. It comes as I scoop it into the bag."
A suggestion was made that we give him two bags: one full of popcorn, the other empty. Then he can separate his own!

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail

I’m back to working in a large, nationwide retail store. While retail can have its boring days, you set up a good sale or have boring weekends in town - people come out of the woodwork to shop. Or in some cases... Tornado weather strikes and people decide, "I've just got to have that bicycle!"
Just about every shift I have, I can clock out from with another story of the ridiculous, stupid, or maybe just BIZARRE variety that our small town has within its borders. This is where my stories come from. I am NOT making this stuff up! People really are like this. I’ve decided to share some of these and hopefully bring some smiles to the rest of humanity. So sit back, have a laugh, and try not to wet yourself.

Show and Ride

One day, I’m standing at the front lanes (where you check out), and this large tour bus group comes bursting in our doors. The types of people on this particular bus were foreigners on vacation.

One elderly gentleman walks over to me shaking. He asks, “Do I show you my ID?”

“Show me your ID? Why?” I’ve lost the plastered on smile I wear while working and have completely opened up to show my confusion. “Yes, this. My ID, here.” He hands me this piece of paper that is in Spanish. From it I can tell only that he had Parkinson’s disease, his name, and the country he came from. I again asked why he was giving me his identification paper. “I want to drive cart with motor.” He starts pointing his shaking finger at the motorized carts parked nearby.
I had to fight from busting out in laughter. “No, sir. You do not need an ID to drive that.” We walk over to them. I make sure it’s unplugged and tell him he can ride it now. “Is hard to drive?” Now I’m doing a mental head slap imagining this guy crashing into everything around the store or mowing people down. I would much rather someone push him around in the cart with the kiddie seats attached but suggesting such a thing might cost me my job…

So now begins the process of explaining how to use it... “First you have to sit down. Then you switch this to the ‘On’ position. These levers are for forwards and backwards. Just turn the handlebars to turn.”

“So like this?” The cart lurches forwards then jerks backwards. He gets this frightened look, but tries again. A huge smile spreads across his face and I begin to wonder if I just signed someone else’s death warrant. Maybe he should drive with the guy who rides his lawn mower to the store to do his shopping.