Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label counseling. Show all posts

Monday, May 1, 2017

You know you've found your match when...

So my fiance and I are still going through our premarital counseling sessions. We have learned a great deal that brings us closer together. And the last session was probably the best one so far! The first time we went in, the counselor had asked us both to fill out this double-sided page. The first side was attributes we think fit us closest. There were 4 rows. A, B, C, D going from left to right and then words under each row going down. Our task was to pick the word going left to right in each row that fit us best. Then at the bottom of that, we were to tally up how many per row. That would tell us what personality we had the most. Then you flip the paper over and there are 4 boxes. Each box has a list of about 6 things. You have to read each list and number them 1-4 with 1 being the set of characteristics you find most needed and 4 being the least. This is all from the CORE MAP evaluation.
My fiance did his, I did mine. And on our latest visit, we finally reached the point of discussing our personality styles. Our results as to our own individual character traits, were nearly identical. Our needs were identical. The counselor was so surprised by these results. In his 10 years of being a marriage counselor, he has only had 2 couples (one being us) to have such results. And due to the  nature of our relationship, he was able to verify that my second chance brought me to better choices with my partner. You see, my first husband was the exact opposite of me in character. And as they say, opposites attract. But as the counselor pointed out, they are attractive in the beginning because  they are everything we may wish to be.

I can say from experience, this is true. It doesn't mean that opposites can't work out. He and his wife are total opposites. They key lies in understanding those differences and how to mesh them together. The same goes for your needs. You have to understand each others needs. And follow up that line of thinking with their values. Seeing that my needs in a relationship matched his to a T made me happy. We both follow in the same lines. As for our personalities, there are 4 types; Commander, Organizer, Relater, Entertainer = CORE.
I am an Organizer/Commander. Though my Commander personality is probably tied to the way I've lived all my life. I've always had a reason to be the one to step up and take charge. I've always had to look out for someone. But I'm crazy about being organized. These personality traits are also divided by the sides of the brain they reside in. Organizers are introverted. Commanders are extroverted. When I need to take charge or be included in a team effort, I can portray my extroverted self. But I'm more comfortable being shy and hidden as an introvert. My fiance is more of the Relater. He seeks peace and harmony with all involved. Being the man of the house, however, he knows he has to take charge and lead with authority. But even in doing so, he also accepts that there are things I'm more qualified to take over on. I'll just be sure to run it by him and accept that his decision is the final word.
Through these lessons, we are learning where boundaries lie. Where our strengths as a couple reside, as well as where we need to work to be better. For as the Bible says, when two get married, they leave father and mother and become one together. This is what we are striving towards.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Living better, inside and out

We are still attending our pre-marital counseling. I'm really glad that we were required to do this. I can't tell you how much it has helped while going through the problems of life. You can love someone and respect them. You can be willing to share your life with that person. Then something happens and you are tested. And that's been me. So much has happened this year. I think January might be the only month that has gone well for us so far, with the exception of illness that seemed like it would not end. Every month after that has had some kind of heartache. Some kind of problem. And boy, do I not respond so well to some kinds of stress. I shut down. I clam up. And I wish to be left utterly alone in the darkness. All because I feel as though sharing would be a burden.
Through our sessions with the counselor, we have learned what each others' love languages are. We know how to respond to each other and to make listening our priority. Have you ever been told that you can listen and not hear what is truly being said? How many times do you find yourself doing just that? My fiancé is amazing. But he came to realize that though he knew what he was talking about in response to the stress in my life, he wasn't truly hearing what I was saying. He wasn't understanding the emotions behind the words. And now I'm also learning to understand his emotions.

This is how it works. I say something to him. Something about the things going on in my life. He watches my body language, hears the tone, and then the words. Then he asks if I'm feeling this or that emotion because of blah blah blah that I said.
Me: "I need to lose 30 pounds. I'm getting too fat."
Him: "You feel like you are overweight because you can't fit into your clothes still?"
Me: "Yes!"
He pieces together the other things I have said with what I just said. So now I know he is listening AND understanding. And now I'm learning to return such a behavior. He isn't giving me anymore of that, "You are beautiful no matter what," crap that I hate hearing. Its true for him. He will love me no matter what happens and what I look like. I, however, will not. I will dread looking into the mirror. And looking in my closet will be depressing.

In addition to this, we have made a pledge to each other, and have our counselor backing us up by keeping us accountable, in working out. He recommended the book, Body for Life. We each wrote down why we are working towards this goal. My reasons aren't superficial. I don't want to look like a supermodel. I have a Mom's bod. And that is okay. But I also carry genes for hereditary heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure. I could go on. Women in my family have shown difficulty keeping their weight at a managed point. They struggle with weight loss. And death by heart failure is pretty common on my Mom's side of the family. So yes, getting fit and eating healthy has always been a goal. But lately, more so. Now I have the added stress of not being able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothing. Do you know how frustrating it is to have 1 pair of jeans, 2 skirts and a handful of black tee shirts that fit? I'm wearing them over and over again. I'm washing those same handful of things every few days. Because I can't fit anything else! And because I can't afford to buy new clothes. I want to be able to wear my skinny clothes again. I want to stay healthy. And I want to see my kids grow up. I'm nearly 30 years old. My body is slowing down. I don't burn that weight off like I did in my childhood or teens. I don't work off those extra calories as fast as I ingest them. So we made an agreement together. We are working out. 3 days a week, we do cardio. 3 days a week, we do weight training. And Sundays we rest. I'm also starting to look for healthier meal ideas.
But above all, we are also working out in the word of God. We want to be fit in our physical forms, but also in our spiritual walk. Our relationship is steadily growing in so many facets. I love it! Despite what life has been tossing at us, we are standing together, stronger than ever. Even with the most recent news that hit us like a brick wall, we are ready to stand together in the face of life and steel ourselves for the force it throws at us. We will endure. No matter what. And not just as a couple. We are also pouring in the effort of teaching our children God's word and Christian values. It is not easy, but it shows others when they are away from home that they are loved and respectful. That they have values. Little by little, our family is becoming stronger. Inside and out.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Strengthening Relationship Foundations

Why does time speed up when your to-do list feels so long?! We are currently taking premarital counseling as a requirement before getting married. I went into it begrudgingly. No offense to anyone who believes in it, but I hadn't seen success in others that utilized such services. That, and it was draining our reserve money as well. Plus, it takes time away from other things we have going on. We are required to have 5 sessions of 1.5 hours long and it costs $90 a session. You do the math. But I considered it something I would approach open-mindedly. After all, I want this marriage to be strong in its foundations. To truly last. One failed marriage and rocky divorce is more than enough for me. I don't want any more. And I know we both come together with our personal issues.
The first two sessions have been great. I was steeled against the bombardment of questions and provocation that I believed counselors were all about. Turns out... I was wrong. As a matter of fact, even with just these 2 sessions, my fiancĂ© and I have begun to talk more and be a little more open about things. Okay, more so me. I don't like to "complain" about things. Or tell him when I'm bothered by something. Don't know why, but I prefer to keep everything bottled up. Especially when I know there is nothing he or I can do about it. That's what my journal is for, right? Yeah... no. I clam up. I shut down. Emotions go out the window. I become... robotic? Bugs the daylights out of him. No matter how hard I try, that's my defense. Its the wall I put up. I am getting better about it.

Counseling has helped. It was a requirement that I now feel should be given to all. It should be embraced. Especially when you are planning to unlock the Lifetime Partner achievement. (We totally plan to have the minister hold one of these up at the end of the ceremony!)
We still have a long way to go. Both of us, however, have faith that no matter what the future holds, we will go through the remainder of our lives together. We will weather the storms and make the best of everything. Together.