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Tuesday, April 3, 2018

I Just Can't Odd

I saw a friends meme post that said, "I can't even". At this moment, that is me too. I just can't even. Well, actually, I can't odd, but that is something else altogether. (Any one else out there have trouble with odd numbers?!)

Every day that goes by, I feel as though I am losing the fight to hold on against this body. I am losing the little strength I had stored up. Even simple 10 minute workouts drain me entirely. I find myself slipping - physically and mentally. I have a goal though. I have a plan. I have kids. Like my 5 year old who wrote this during one of my "episodes".
I was in the middle of helping the kids with homework when my head and neck decided to shut me out. I ended up on the couch and couldn't seem to focus well enough. She brought me this note and gave me a hug. I can't tell you how much it pulled at me. 

Later, she gave me another one. This one, she said, was to bring a smile back to my face.
I am to look at it every time I feel sad or hurt. Any time I need a smile, this should make me happy. Oh to have the sweet innocence and intuitive mind that they have at that age, again.

Today I came too close to losing. To shutting down and out. To letting this body win against my will and drop. Inside, I am a boiling rage. Outside... I'm a limp noodle. Just 10 minutes of not even doing the full workout and my head was throbbing. My neck had shooting pains near the base of my skull. And I felt like I was burning up. And here is the real kicker - we were doing leg workouts today. Sometimes these feelings make me want to give up this battle. But I have to remind myself that someone else is counting on me. And that I have a God to lean on. I might have to take a break. Maybe I won't be able to keep up with my kids every time. But isn't that just how it is? We do the best we can and leave the rest up to God. 

So if you are in the same boat as I, just remember, you don't have to always win. But don't give up. Take it easy and let things be. But don't back down when they are depending on you. We have a job to do, as parents. And we can't let our bodies hold us back all the time. Be strong and good luck!

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