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Thursday, August 4, 2016

The struggles are real

It is hard to feel sympathetic towards others in pain when you, yourself are suffering. Especially on a daily basis. I feel bad for those with pain. For those with deformed spines particularly.
I know only too well the hardships they face doing the simple things in life. Everyday is a process. Pushing myself to keep going. Striving to get things done. Being pregnant has not made this easier. I've sought help from several doctors in the past several months. My OB-GYN, a chiropractor that specializes in pregnant women, and then back to my spinal specialist today. All three have told me, in not so many words, "There is nothing I can do to help." The spine specialist - the one whose practice revolves around back problems - gave me the final straw today. I already knew I had a double curve scoliosis. I already knew that the bones showed signs of early arthritis. That was a byproduct of the spinal fusions. If my research is correct, the proper term is spinal osteoarthritis. Towards the end of last year, I was informed that I had a slipped disc in the lowest part of the spine. This caused pressure on the surrounding nerves.
Today, I was told that 2 other discs are degenerating. Degenerative discs are when the discs in the spine are under pressure and begin to "dissolve". I know it runs in the family as my aunt had to have a rod put in to support her lower spine. Ultimately, once I have the baby and if pain persists afterwards, he wants to try laser surgery to remove what is causing the pinching of the nerves. If that doesn't do enough, he will move to the more invasive insertion of rods in the lower spine. Either of those should diffuse the pain and take away the numbness I've been having lately. As for my neck...
We didn't even bother covering his solution of that. The pressure from the fused bones beneath are causing the muscles to tense up and stiffen the neck. This causes dizziness, ear pains, migraines/headaches and soreness through the shoulders and in between. I have 4 months or less to struggle through before we see what changes and what will linger past my daughters birth.
I've depleted my PTO at work. Between child care, vehicle issues, pain and inability to walk... I feel like a disaster zone most days. 

I'm tired of the life that means telling my kids, "Mommy can't right now." I'm tired of not wanting to socialize because I don't like those pitying looks or "poor you" comments. I'm tired of seeking answers and coming to dead ends. Of wanting relief and finding only more pain. I've tried the Epsom salt baths. Unfortunately, I can no longer sit in a bath as it hurts too much. I've tried the heating pad and ice pack revolutions. I get relief. But only as long as I keep it there. I move or stop it, the relief ends. I take Ibuprofen daily. At this rate, I'm worried I might end up with liver damage. Or would it be the kidneys... I stretch, walk, alternate sitting with standing. But some days, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. The pain persists. Even laying down to sleep hurts. Reclining has become the one way I find a touch more comfort. I combine that with an ice pack when I'm at home. I haven't figured out how to control the numbness or the loss of muscle control in my legs yet. Climbing the stairs is a workout that used to be a breeze, but now makes me feel old. 
For all of you out there who have back problems - I feel your pain. I understand every ache. I know what you go through daily. It doesn't get easier unless you take drugs or have surgery. No. It gets worse. Every day it gets harder to roll off the bed. To stand and wash those dishes. To kneel and bathe your kids. To lift that bag of groceries. To sit at a computer for 8 hours. To smile at those you pass and pretend you are okay. But we can't stop. As much as I want to give up or as often as I question, "Why me?" I have to remember that I'm needed no matter what. I have to keep trying and be patient. As my fiance reminds me, we have to wait on God and His timing. Its hard. Very very hard. I'm usually very patient. More so than most. But I do struggle daily.This is one wait that I have to fight not to take the wheel. 
Keep on trying. Don't give up. Answers will come. Whether they are what what you want to hear.... that remains to be seen, 


  1. It's tough to have a hard life. Throw in pain and it can seem unbearable. Your right, you have to wait on God for all things. You will get through this stronger for what's down the road (old age probably, which has it's own challenges). So just know with all tests and trials, what don't kill us makes us stronger.

    1. It helps having someone supportive and encouraging like you, Mom.