Do you ever
feel that every day and every moment needs to be portrayed as going well? That
you have to keep up good appearances to the world around you better? That’s my
outlook. The world has enough darkness. There is enough pain, hurt, and sadness
to go around. So someone has to shine through it all. Someone has to offer that
glimpse of joy that makes others smile. I’m not a clown, by any means. I’m the
complete opposite actually. I’m not full of jokes. I’m sarcastic. I don’t like
people. I like being alone. It doesn’t help me get out of the darkness when I’m
alone, but it helps to avoid making it worse when the people who are offering
advice or trying to help only make it worse…
You know
that saying, “Sometimes the ones who smile the most, are the ones who hurt the
most on the inside”? It’s true. They put on a mask and always give off that
happy-go-lucky attitude that is expected of them. Do you ever wonder how they
do it? Here’s a secret… they sometimes cry themselves to sleep.
When they
have a bad day, they try not to include anyone in it. They tell themselves its
fine. Everyone has bad days and they all come to an end. They take every task
in the queue, one by one, and get through it. Someone smiles at them, they
smile back. Someone asks how they are doing, they answer with “doing good,
thanks”. And for the most part, no one notices that it is all an act. Why? Why
can’t people see through it?! I tell myself that it is because I’ve gotten good
at the act. I’ve practiced it so well. Got it down to the last faked laugh. Then
I finally collapse at the end of the day and hope for a better day tomorrow. I
cry and tell myself to stop being so pathetic. If I slip up and actually talk
to someone about what is going, I feel worse. Not only am I feeling bad, but I’m
telling someone else and they will probably feel bad. I’m spreading the bad
instead of promoting good. I’m burdening them. They can’t do anything about it.
They can’t offer anything more than, “It’s going to be okay”, “Just breathe,
you got this”, or “It happens, get over it”. That last one is my favorite. Why?
It further reminds me I’m sounding like a pathetic whiner. “Cry yourself a
river, build yourself a bridge, and get over it.”
Today
started off all wrong and has continued to go uphill. Haven’t even hit the
crest yet. On the radio, they said today was National “Get Over It” Day. Sorta
fits. Tell myself to get over it. Stuff is hitting the fan and I have to suck
it up. Put on the big girl panties and throw back. Right? That’s not how I feel
inside though. But that’s how I’m trying to look on the outside. I’ve quit
answering the text messages. Not talking to anyone on Facebook. I’ve decided to
put the walls up and take the battering rams out against the projects I’m faced
with. It will be a long day. And I know that eventually it has to end. Until
then, I’ll put on the mask. I will be that light in the darkness. I don’t
suggest walking towards my light though. Just take it as a beacon of hope
through the chaotic seas of the daily grind. If I slip, and the weakness I feel
within shows, just act like you didn’t catch it. For the sake of my pride.
Have a great day, folks! It can’t last forever.
Have a great day, folks! It can’t last forever.
It is alright to have a bad day. We are human and they do come. I try not to get to angry at folks when they are rude to me. I think, maybe they are having a bad day today. I get cranky too. However, if you do talk to someone who loves you, it isn't burdening them. So just find someone you trust and unload.
ReplyDeleteI do try from time to time.
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