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Sunday, September 20, 2015

Living after divorce

Divorce is never easy. There is always some kind of hassle to it. Whether it’s going to court, dealing with paperwork, paying out the wazoo, or dealing with the aftermath that comes, you are bound to be stressed out at some time. And for some people, it’s a never ending battle that you constantly fight. You might even question buying a gun. I'll let your imagination run wild with the Why on that one... 
For me, personally, it’s a trial by fire. One that I had set myself up for. I filed alone. I paid for all the fees and costs myself. I filled out the paperwork (with a little input from the future ex). I also hired the lawyer and went to court after the 60 day waiting period to finalize everything so he could move on and find himself a new woman. After all... he shouldn't have to grow up and take care of himself, right? He needs his "help".
But no worries. I can handle that all on my own. Finally I was a free (in the eyes of the State) woman! I could be myself. I could live my life. I could get ready to move out and take my kids with me. Or could I.... Guess again! We are sharing a lease. Until next April... Plus, I'd spent just about all my savings on the court and lawyer fees. So I have nothing to get me started elsewhere. Hmm now what? 
No biggie. I can be patient. I can save money every couple weeks from my check. I'll prepare myself for when April gets here. Everything will work out. People question how it is that a couple who couldn't stand each other through marriage could stay together after being divorced. It’s not easy. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to beat the mess out of him. How many times I've wished he would just disappear. How many times even my kids have asked why he couldn't just move out to one of his girlfriends’ houses. (If only they knew...) I tell myself that time will speed by. That I'm saving money for the future move. And patience. An incredible amount of patience makes this hell I'm living go by. 
But reality kicks in quite often. Money I had saved? I'm paying bills with. Van needed new hoses and couplings for the thermometer and new brakes. $600 in one month. Ever cry when you look at your bank account? I don't cry. I go grab a Redd’s and start chugging while I cook something. That doesn't take the edge off, sadly. What does? A nice vodka and orange juice. One will take the edge off. A couple shots start me giggling. 4 shots in succession have me laughing at everything my drinking buddies are saying until I'm on my rear in a corner holding my ribs together. Sadly, I won't be able to do this anymore. Lost my drinking pals recently. 
As much as I try to take time to read the pile of books I have waiting or watch that movie I bought because I couldn’t wait to see it… The minute I try either, someone is interrupting. Even as I’m writing this, I have had to stop to change a diaper, sweep the floor and I’m deliberately ignoring the waving hand I see in the corner of my vision because I am sure that’s another drawn out conversation that I don’t need. I plug in the headphones and clean. I bake something. I clean some more. Maybe stop to cook dinner. Then back to cleaning. Until the kids are ready for the bath, bedtime story and bed! Then I think, yes! I have me time. What do I do? Pass out….
Single moms out there, you are probably nodding right along with me. Heck, married moms are probably nodding with me. It’s a full time job every day of the week, every week of the year. And it doesn’t come to its end until the kids are grown and supporting themselves. Until they truly start living.

Being divorced but still living with the ex can be incredibly awkward at times. Try taking a shower and he comes in to brush his teeth. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, but suddenly I feel as though I’m being invaded upon. Try inviting someone over, only they show up in the middle of a fight… Or here’s the best one yet… Having a serious conversation when the ex starts yelling upstairs. What does he want? His shirts hung up so they aren’t wrinkled. Um… do your own laundry?? I’m not your maid. I’m definitely not your wife. Your clothes are not my responsibility anymore. I only do them because I’m doing mine and it saves water, but if I don’t get them hung up right away… too bad!
Living with your ex spouse is not a good idea. Modern society makes things far more different than they used to be. Not gonna argue with that. But when it boils down to it, being divorced and living in the same house still – not going to work. No matter how hard you try or how much patience you have. You will find yourself dying to be truly free. You will want to hide in the corner and whisper, “It’s going to be okay” in the hopes you can convince yourself of such.
As far as having children with your ex… My oldest son is the one asking most often when daddy will move away and we can live without him. He’s the one we are having the most trouble with at school. He acts out and only recently finally admitted to a friend of mine (because he won’t tell me) that he’s picked on at school.

That he hates dancing in music class. So coming up this week, I’m planning to shadow him and have some talks with his teachers. Going to try to sort everything out with them.
I knew divorce was hard. I knew I’d be unhappy or stressed at times. I knew that my problems would be all on me without support from anyone. But no amount of steeling yourself and bracing for the storm can truly prepare you for all the pain you will go through. No amount of talking to your girlfriend or confiding in your closest friend can truly relieve you every time you feel alone. Every time you look at that tequila bottle and think about drowning your sorrow, you realize that you have someone relying on you. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a strong drive to make it… just… one… more… day… It’s basically surviving life instead of living. But at times, it’s all you can do.
I’d suggest finding something you love and taking the time to do it. No, not drinking. That won’t help you get out of your funk. Don’t touch the kitchen knife either! Remember, you go to prison, who gets your kids? But then… who am I trying to kid? I don’t often find 5 minutes alone to do what I want. I thank God for those moments when I can run off to cosplay at the comic con. Sadly, that happens maybe twice a year for me. Or when I can take the bike and pay a visit to the donut shop for Talk like a Pirate Day.

I went as a steampunk pirate wench. *squeal like a fan girl here* They might be extremely few and far between, but it’s all I have these days. And I have, to believe that it will be enough to remind me what living really feels like. Take a moment to truly live. Just one more time…

1 comment:

  1. I know you are having a rough time. Divorce always is. It is really hard on the children. This is what you seem to have lost focus of. The fact is that your generation is always finding things to distract them from real life. Like video games and legos. Not that those things are bad. Just remember that kids take up a lot of time. I myself can't find time in the day to do sewing projects I want to do. But I remember that kids grow up and move out. Before they do we are to fill those years in. What will we leave them with? Seems like your looking for help and time for you. In the wonderful world of being a parent, their is not time for those thoughts. Yes, it is fun family time if you all go to a lego event. But if you get busy building when the kids are napping, then they wake up, you can't get upset with them when you have to put your project on hold for a bit. Or better yet just include them! I just see amiss here. Think about it.