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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 4: Are you Secrity?

So you know I work in retail. I’m a security guard in retail. I wear a Navy blue uniform with a badge and name tag, carry a mini Mag Lite and even a pair of real handcuffs. Most days I can stand for hours in the front and basically people watch. You strike me as suspicious or look like our “regulars” I might even follow you through the store.
This is what I really look like at work. Remember this for later:
One nice day, I’m trapped inside watching everyone coming and going. This guy had just finished buying his stuff and walks towards me as he heads out the door.
A puzzled look crosses his face. “Are you security?” (Remember the picture above??)

In my head I’m saying, “No, I just randomly dress like security and waste nice days inside.”
“Yes, sir I am,” I reply with my plastered on smile.

“Well, you are the cutest security guard I have ever seen,” he says with a wink.
What?! Cute?? I’m going for intimidating!!! Security guards aren’t meant to be cute. Okay maybe the really hot guys with guns are classifiable as cute, but not the skinny chick wearing hand me downs from the previous guy guards.
“Why thank you, sir.” I have to be nice after all. Its retail, dontcha ya know!

About five minutes later, another guy walks in.  This one is older, wearing a black shirt that says CATS (yes the play) across the front and has eyes in the back. He stumbles my way and gets just a little closer than I’d like. “Are you security?” Alcohol breath flows hot and heavy into my face.
I’m strongly tempted to reply with a sarcastic, “Nope. I’m just playing dress up as a security guard today. Tomorrow I’ll be a princess with a purple pony.”
“Yes, sir. I’m security. Can I help you with something?”
“Well, if I ever get arrested, I hope you’re the one arresting me!”
*Insert metal head slap here* This is probably what he thinks he sees:

“Where’s the pharmacy at?”

I point and give directions. He leans too close and looks at where my finger is pointing.

A few minutes go by and he comes back by. I get a call warning me about a drunk who just bought cough syrup wearing a CATS shirt. Good times people. Now if they will just let me come to work looking like this....

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