Staying Blindly in Love

They say love is blind. And usually when people make this comment, they mean it in a negative way. After all, it typically gets used when someone is so "in love" that they miss all the signs that it is a terrible relationship to be in. But did you know, there is another way that love is blind? Love is blind in a great way for my husband and I. 

Two days from now, we will have been married for a year. Some people see us and think we are still in the honeymoon stage. I say if that is the case, then may we never get out of that stage. I've known him for at least 4 years. We met as coworkers during our bondage to Target. At first, I couldn't stand him. No, really. I hated his guts. Here he was, another shining star among the drones that Target likes to hire. He could think. He could reason. Here was someone who was catching the eyes of the leaders and that I was afraid was going to take the leadership role I was working so hard to get. Then he spoke. And it was in a language I was very fluent in - sarcasm. Suddenly, I was in awe of him. Suddenly, I wanted to know more about this guy. He came in, kept quiet and worked furiously - better than every other guy on our team. I didn't have to hold his hand. I didn't have to keep reminding him to pick up the pace. He kept up with me just fine. It was not love at first sight. But boy did it grow. We became good friends. Hanging out with him was not awkward. Silence with him actually felt comfortable. We went from hanging out on lunch breaks to me inviting him to our "parties". A bunch of us cooler peeps got together to play video games, swap stories and yes, I cooked and baked. We were all just a bunch of nerds having fun. It was at these parties that I saw something in him that made me like him just a little more. He understood me. He was fun. We shared common hobbies and interests. That doesn't mean I jumped right into a relationship with him, however. Having just exited a terrible marriage, the fear was real that this wouldn't last. That happiness would not ever truly be mine. That didn't discouraged him. He pursued me. After a while, we started going out and eventually he met my kids. I did push him away. Okay, let me rephrase... I tried to push him away. But he was determined. Another trait I appreciated. I constantly voiced my insecurities and ideas on why we wouldn't work out. And he had reassurance for each one. Fast forward to today, we are married and even had a baby together. Though not in that order. He has become a strong role model to my sons. He became the father all my children needed. And he has loved me blindly the whole way.

It is said that we are our greatest critics. We magnify our flaws from an anthill to a mountain. But those who love us fully are blind to those "flaws". They love us regardless. Passionately. Fully. No holds barred. And he does just that. He stands strong by my side. Through the unplanned pregnancy, losing my job and the ever growing health concerns I have muddled through. He hasn't missed a single chance to tell me how much he loves me. He also doesn't hesitate to show me. I made it clear at the beginning that love is an action, not some gooey feeling and empty words. And he has taken that to heart. He lets me sleep in when I have had a particularly bad night. He randomly cleans things without me saying anything. He buys my pads... Talk about real love. This man will buy the right kind of pads when he knows I'm in need. Like this morning when my second period in less than a month took it up a notch... He doesn't shy away. We have even had conversations about my monthly flow. Doesn't cover his ears or squirm. I've gained weight - 40 pounds to be exact - since he fell in love with me. Yet, he still tells me that I'm beautiful. Not with the hope of getting something in return, but because he truly means it. 

Love is blind. In more than one way. And the blind love we have is beautiful.

Vengeance is Mine

I've been reading through Romans in my personal daily devotions. I came across some verses that lay heavy on my heart. In a couple weeks it will mark the year anniversary of the death of my great grandmother. 

Romans 12:14 Bless them which persecute you: bless and curse not. 

Looking back at that time, I am reminded of the anger, the pain, and the sheer rage that filled me. The events surrounding her death were less than pleasant. So much so for me, that I was ready to kill the one involved. I plotted his destruction in my mind. I seethed over the knowledge of what he had done and the fact that someone protected him from justice. He had someone high in the police department destroying the case against him. But who protected my Nana from him? Who gave her justice? To this day, no one has. I admit, I'm still angry. I still want him brought to justice. But no longer by my hand. I gave vengeance to God. He will serve a hearty helping on judgment day. 

Romans 12: 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 

The anger I held for this person was even stronger than the bitterness I harbored against my ex husband. A man who served up almost 8 years of abuse. A man that I can now see as nothing more than a fly buzzing around my ears - annoying, but so stupid that he's harmless for the most part. I haven't even wished death upon him. But the other fellow had a hand in my Nana' s end. He hurt her life. And that has never sat well with me. My Nana was more than just the matriarch of our family. She was, at times, closer to me than my own Mother. She knew and understood parts of my life that my Mom didn't. 

The passage I read yesterday showed me how I've been such a hypocrite. I teach my children that they need to forgive those who wrong them. To always treat a person how they themselves want to be treated and not as the other person is treating them. Yet, here I have been harboring hatred in my heart for another. Some might say I'm justified. But I am not. If all the world was an eye for an eye, we would all be blind. This is where the saying, "Kill 'em with kindness" truly comes from. 

I still feel the loss. Her picture hangs in my stairwell and I see it multiple times throughout the day, every day. A reminder of what is no longer here. A relationship that is gone forever. But I have finally accepted the way things are. I might feel anger at times. He's still out there, probably abusing another elderly persons kindness. But I know. Whether you believe in karma or in God, the truth is there. What goes around does come back around. Evil doers will reap their evil deeds rewards one day. I might not see it with my own eyes. Maybe it won't come in the way I wanted, but they will be punished.

Instead of holding on to the anger and hatred. I think it is time to take the high road. While I won't let someone continually repeat offenses against me and my family, I will be more loving towards someone who does me wrong.

Romans 12:20-21 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in doing so thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

A New Year is Here Already!

Where has this year gone in such a rush?! Already, we are fast counting down to 2018 and the new beginnings it shall bring. 
My baby is a year old! Still not walking, but once she gains her confidence I believe she will take off running. 

My other children are starting to truly show their strengths and weaknesses in life. Be it reading from my oldest to science and math for my middle kid, to my fast learning little diva in kindergarten. I am so proud of them all. 
We had a wonderful Christmas vacation. Went to spend it with my in-laws. While enjoying good food, good times and gifts, there was a couple family members who ended up in the emergency room. One of them went in as one person and came out as two! Such a cute little fighter that one has turned out to be. Definitely had us on edge all that week though. 
Looking back, I think this was our best Christmas so far. We all got things we needed or really wanted. People might laugh, but getting Tide and a laundry basket was awesome. Getting a laptop had me so thrilled! These were things I genuinely needed. My kids got the pants they needed. Or underwear. And a backpack. My husband and his drill or the compressor. The simple things that will be appreciated so much this year. It was a blessing all around. We are all so happy this holiday season. And yes, we got things that we wanted or thought were cool. Like the years subscription to Amazon Prime, gaming gear, and dolls. 
But the greatest gift all? We spent this Christmas together. We made happy memories that will last a lifetime. 

And then, we went shopping for Christmas clearance deals. Sadly, I waited too long and by the time I went on Thursday, there wasn't much left. But I did get some of the things we needed.

Like wrapping paper. The ones I found were reversible and had patterns that I can use throughout the year. I picked up an Axe gift set. We were in need of another toiletries bag and my husband uses some kinds of Axe products. The ones he doesn't use, I will be sending to my brothers. All for $12. We bought a regular sized tree for the Christmas' to come. Gonna need it for our growing collection of amazing ornaments. And the Star Wars light show projector?! Can you believe it was only $7?? I picked up other little stocking stuffers for chore rewards and for next years gifts.

I had stopped by Walgreens when picking up a picture too. Once again, they were wiped out of most of the good stuff. I did find a little sun catcher for my little princess to paint. It was half off the sticker price too.

Moving into the New Year, I have decided to make my resolution to lose 30 lbs. To build strength to my failing body and to lighten the load I carry daily. My back isn't going to get better. And I can't afford to fix it. So I can at least focus my energy on making less stress for it. This will be the first year I have had this resolution. Usually, it is to make more of an effort in being a better mother and person. Which will still be a goal. I truly believe that everyone can be better in life. Kinder, more compassionate, giving, loving, honest. Just some traits I think everyone should work at daily. 

What is your resolution and why? What do you strive for in your own life? And how do you plan to make 2018 better than 2017?

Returning to the Wonder

Last night could only be described as magical. No, I did not pay a visit to a Disney castle. No, Harry Potter was not involved. Instead, I had the immense pleasure of being granted a white night in December. For the first time in my memory, I was able to see snow. Not just ice and slush. Fresh, sparkling, wet snow. The kind you can build a snowman from. The very type you can mold into a ball and throw at your children and spouse. It was a glorious sight. And one that this southern belle never thought she'd see without a trip up north.

It will be a memory I hope to treasure for the rest of my life. My husband came upstairs as I was on the computer and says, "It's snowing outside." I made him repeat it. Surely, we were not getting snow. We are too far south in Texas to dare hope for something so majestic. But he said the same words, "Its snowing outside!" I ran down the stairs and to the back door where there curtain was already pulled open. White specs were floating from the sky, coating everything in a blanket of frozen beauty. Suddenly, it was as though I had become a child consumed in awe. What had happened to our world that such a sight was possible from my own backyard?! I couldn't wait to be outside in it. I wanted to feel the cold and bask in the falling flakes. We all threw on the heaviest jackets we had  (which were mostly hoodies) and shoes. My kids were racing to be ready to go outside. Laughter and amazement echoed throughout our street. Families were stepping outside and gazing about in a mixture of joy and disbelief.

It was beyond beautiful. I stood there in front of our door, just taking it all in. The cold hit me dead on, but somehow, all I could think about was what I saw. Snow. Maybe its because this was my first time. Maybe its no big deal. I just felt this overwhelming happiness take over. 

 (Live Long and Prosper!)

My husband is from Colorado. He was happy to see how much we enjoyed the wonderful event. He is no stranger to snow, ice or cold weather. Even he, however, was in shock. Snow in south Texas?! Couldn't be. He was also so glad that it was a wet snow. He had explained before that there are different types of snow. The kind that is wet and moldable. And then there is the dry, powdery kind that is useless for fun. But you know what he enjoyed most of all? The fact that his family was having such a great time in it. It was our first time. All my kids and myself had never had such an experience. Who knows when or if we ever will again. My oldest daughter learned, very quickly, how much pain can be gotten from runny on ice. She fell and hit her face. Then slipped when coming in and bruised her rear end. My younger son also slipped and his bottom. But through it all, they loved it. 

 

We had to tuck the kids in, as school was still scheduled in the morning. But after all the children were safely (and warmly) snug in their beds, my husband and I stepped outside again. We threw snowballs at each other. I enjoyed the crunching of the snow under my feet. He said it was similar to nails on a chalkboard though, to him. It really was just like the movies! The next day, it was well into the afternoon before the snow had completely disappeared and left only water to show that it had ever been there at all.

I couldn't get enough of it. I actually wish we could have another night just like that. Hopefully, we will have more around Christmas time when we go to Waco to spend it with my in-laws. That serene view. That peaceful beauty. The fun moments. I want it all again. I want to feel like a child again. No cares in the world. Just bliss in the falling flakes of white. I don't know what it is, but I know its intoxicating. Wherever you are, I hope that you find something like this to enjoy this Christmas. Be it in the snow, the company, the food - whatever brings you the most happiness. Find that overwhelming feeling of exhilaration! And hold on to it as long as you can.

Always Being Thankful

Being thankful isn't easy. Especially in a first world country where everything is about being easy, being convenient, and being our way. We don't want to slow down for others. We might not remember our manners. We expect to get what we are given. We think we are deserving of it. Until things go wrong. 

The only time we make a big deal of being thankful, seems to be on Thanksgiving Day. Why is this? Why do we hold our thanks until November of every year? Do we forget that we have so much to be thankful for the rest of the year? I think I do at times. I forget, especially when things start going downhill. And I need reminders. 

So what am I thankful for? All year around! Not just this month. Here is my list. 

1. My family. My husband and 4 children mean everything to me. They are the reason I get up every morning (even when I don't feel ready to). They put a smile on my face. They help me to see things differently. And my husband is the most amazing man ever. His love is unconditional and unexpected in so many ways. 
   
2. My other family. I have blood relatives, relatives by marriage and relatives that I have adopted as family because we just do. My parents, siblings, and Nana S are important to me. They are the people who know me best. My husbands family has also become as close as the family I was born into. They are kind and giving and always there. 
3. My friends. I don't have to be close and know every detail of every part of their life, but when we need each other, we are there for each other. My friends know, or should know, that if ever they had a need - I am here to help in whatever way I can. 
4. Having a home. I rent. Its small. I can't truly decorate it to be me. And since the developers cut so many corners, we have a lot of issues. But I can afford it. Its in a decent neighborhood. My kids go to a school that is nice and is only 5 minutes from home. I feel safe here. And I'm not sleeping with a knife on the bedside table anymore. 
5. We don't go hungry. I've lived in a hotel before. I've had peanut butter sandwiches or ramen every day. I hope that I never have to go back to that life. And I am thankful we are not in that life now. We might need government assistance, but my kids eat well. And its not the same meal daily. 
6. We have clothes. Decent ones too. Yes, my shoes are slowly growing ventilation shafts in them. No, we don't wear name brands unless someone gave them us. But they are not dirty, have no holes in them, not ripped. We don't look like bums. And that is all that matters to me. 
7. We are healthy. Okay, more so my kids and husband right now, but none of us are dying or needing trips to the hospital. A simple cold or allergies is always better than anything else that they could have. 
8. We have electricity. How often are you glad you have electricity? Do you take it for granted? During hurricane seasons, we never knew when or if the power would go out. A sort of panic comes over people when they find that the lights won't come on. How about having heat in the winter and cold air in the summer? Do you ever think about how fortunate we are to have these things? 
9. Clean drinking water. I can drink water straight from the sink or from a water bottle any time I feel like it. It is at my fingertips. Not everyone in the world has that luxury. Yes, it can be a luxury. 
10. My own vehicle. It can be a piece of crap sometimes. It has a cracked windshield at the moment. Could definitely use a washing... And I'm still making payments on it. But I can take it from point A to point B when I need to. I don't have to memorize bus schedules, walk all the time, or bum rides from others. I have a sense of independence. 
11. Freedom of religion. I might not be as devout as I once was, but I have the right and freedom to read my Bible whenever I choose. No one tells me when to pray. No one tells me what to believe. I can read and follow God myself. 
12. The internet. I will be the first to say how evil it can be. But there are good things about it too. And even more so when it is right at my fingertips. I can look up things I have questions about. I can find recipes when meals are stale in the house. Gift ideas are abundant when my creative juices are not flowing freely. I can keep up with family and friends whenever and quickly. 
13. Netflix. No matter how many movies I have physically, sometimes I need a break to find something new. Even when I can't afford to buy or rent something. Netflix is overflowing with things to watch. Especially when I can't sleep at 2, 3 or 4 AM... 
14. My ability to read. In this digital age, we often keep it simple. We go for memes and pictures. We watch videos. But do you know how privileged we are to be able to read? Be it an email, article, or even an online book. Heck, be old school and read a real book with a cover and paper pages for a change! And be thankful that you learned how to read. Reading takes me to other places. It lets me escape. Or gives me useful information on the past, current and future happenings. 
     
    What are you thankful for? Did I miss something else on my list? Tell me in the comments below!

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Being a Charity Case

Have you ever felt like you were just a charity case in the eyes of others? Like you haven't done enough for yourself, so others are having to pick up your slack? I know I have. More often than I care to think about. Every time, I feel grateful, but also ashamed. I was raised and surrounded by people who gave. I'm happiest when I'm doing for and giving to others. Sure, on my birthday or Christmas I can enjoy a gift without the guilt. But on other occasions... Not so much. 

This past week, I received more than one call from my kids' school. The first time, I was informed that all three of my children in school were nominated by their teachers for a charity program that gets the kids clothes, shoes, toys and/or games. Before I say anything else, know that my kids are not wanting when it comes to clothes. I don't let them keep clothes that are ripped, shredding, or otherwise defected. They get clothes from both of their grandmothers. I actually had to thin out my daughters drawers and closet. She had more than I do. 

Then I get a call asking if we need a turkey dinner donation. We were chosen to get a box of food. I appreciated the offer, but we are not starving. Yes, we get assistance to get food every month from our government. Again, I'm not proud of this. But it keeps us going until we can get back on our feet. I told them to give it to another family who needs it more. 

Finally, I get a call about shoes. My youngest son tore up his latest pair of shoes. This is not the first time I've heard about his shoes from the school. Sadly, I think this will be a constant thing. I don't know how he does it. His last pair, I had to hot glue back together. The Velcro fell apart. I patched it as best I could and told him I would get him a new pair soon. Right after this, maybe a week later, I get a box from my mother. She had sent a pair of shoes that were nearly new. They were my oldest sons size. So I gave him those and gave his old shoes to the younger son. It was perfect timing. My older son was beginning to complain that his shoes were tight. And I was thanking God for once again watching out for us. My mother didn't know we needed those shoes. But within a week or so, my younger son had torn up those shoes too. The soles were coming off. Almost completely. This time, hot glue wasn't working. So my husband pulled out duct tape.

When you have nothing else, you bite back the shame and do what you must. The counselor has my boys in a weekly lunch meeting program they are running to talk to kids on a more personal level. They noticed the shoes and asked if they could give him another pair. Inside, I was screaming, NO! But outwardly, I said yes and that I was very thankful for their assistance. Again, God is providing where I failed.

One son is getting a new backpack as a Christmas gift from a friend. His is threadbare with holes forming. I'm one of those parents who can't donate to every fundraiser, event, and party they have. You know how mad I get when my kids tell me that their teachers said if everyone doesn't participate, they don't get the special rewards every other class will get? I pay more to be in a better area, with a better school. But the trade off is, I can't have my kids participating in everything else. I also would not be surprised if my older son told his teacher that "Mommy is broke all the time." I don't lie to my kids. I don't have money to toss around. I'm careful with my spending more now than ever before. We are a single income family. I have money to pay the monthly bills, nothing more. We can't go out to eat. I can't afford those new toys. We can't go to theme parks. Movies are expensive. They ask, I say no. They ask why, I tell them the truth. I'm broke. I pay for necessities. I keep them taken care. Then I get the other question. How come daddy can do all those things? My oldest three came from a previous marriage. One that I am more than happy is over. My ex blows money to make them believe he is the cool parent. He gets them only 2 weekends a month. And every time, they get to do and have things that we can't do here at home. Talk about testing my patience... I can't bash their father to them. I won't. I have to be tactful with how I answer. I tell them that he has more money than I do, because he doesn't have children living with him. He doesn't have a family anymore. I do. I tell them that he also cheats his debts. He doesn't pay everything he is supposed to like we do. Being responsible hurts. It is a hard path to walk. 

Then comes the biggest charity point in my life right now. Because of my back issues, I'm very often in pain. So much so, that my children have begun to notice and ask questions. I can't hide it all the time. "Why can't you run anymore?" "What's wrong with you, Mom?" "Why do you hurt all the time?" So we talk about it. I tell them that Mommy is broken. My body doesn't work like it should. That I need a doctor to fix me. My oldest then asks when I'm going to the doctor. I'm not. Why not? I can't afford to. It is more important to me to pay the bills and keep them taken care of than to fix my physical brokenness. What does my oldest say? "Take my money, Mom. Use it to pay for surgery." 

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I can't do that. I won't do that. I love my children. They have inherited my curse. They love to give. Instead, my husband has been saying that we have to wait on the Lord and see where His will leads us. At first, I felt like I wasn't being led anywhere. Then I started getting a nagging thought. Ever heard of GoFundMe? You start up a fundraiser and strangers help your cause by donating. I had started one a while back when I wanted to fight for full custody of my three older children. Then the lawyers told me it was hopeless case unless something drastic happens to the kids at the hands of their father. Just the way the laws work here, protecting the wrong people. So I refunded everyone and decided to wipe my hands of the website. I told my husband that I couldn't get rid of the thought though. And he admitted that it sounded like we should think twice about it. Then, something happened that made him say we should do it. I've been having lightheadedness and dizziness daily. I turned my head to give him a kiss and got a charlie horse-like sensation in my neck that scared us both. It hurt so bad. I had a headache and tense feeling in my neck afterwards. I was begging for it to stop. These things are getting worse. The pain has always been there. But I can't always ignore it anymore. I pop Tylenol nearly daily. Might as well be candy at this point. I don't sleep. Not well, at least. When I try to do things like jog, I feel as though my legs are bruised. Not sore. Bruised. I can't live with it like this anymore. So we started a GoFundMe. And we agreed, if I get donations to it, I'm going to see a doctor. It will be out of pocket costs, since I have no insurance. But I'm going to get answers. I'm going to find out what it will take to get back to some state of normalcy. To where I don't have to rely on charity anymore.

Why? Why am I having all this to deal with? Why am I having to be treated like everyone's charity case? My husband reminds me that we all have to be humbled at times. That we can't always stand proud. He tells his Southern wife these things... HA! Boy, do I have a lot to learn then. It's going to be a long, hard road for me. For my family. And I don't want to walk it. But I won't let this body keep me back anymore. I'm going to push harder. Fight back. I know what kind of wife and mother I want to be. And somehow, I will be that woman again. I want to be an active part in this family's life. For a long time.

This First Year!

Time certainly flies by. Especially when you have children. You lose track of the hours every day. Then your days go by and you question what you have done all week. Suddenly, a month has passed by, followed by another. And here I am, facing a whole year. You see, my youngest daughter is turning a year on the 19th of this month. Almost a year ago, I was in labor. Thinking I could not do it. Thinking I would fail during childbirth. My husband was my stronghold. He kept telling me how great I was doing. How I was doing it. Just hold a little longer. Childbirth is excruciatingly painful. I went into labor naturally, the night before I was scheduled to be induced anyhow. But, my little bugger still didn't want to come out on her own. It was as though she was putting her arms and legs out to the sides to hold herself in. No matter how hard or long I pushed. No matter how much they upped the dosage of the medicine meant to evict her, she was not coming out. 

Part of me panicked. I had three older children. And I wondered if I could do this. Four kids is a lot these days. I mean, I'm the oldest of 10, but it was different growing up that way. I wasn't the one raising them. I have had a lot of love and support to help though. Family and friends both have been there for us. And here we are, celebrating all those times past. 

She doesn't walk, but she doesn't let that slow her down. She can crawl, pull up and climb stairs. She climbs into my cabinets (after removing their contents). She dances when she hears music that she likes. She loves to get into anything and everything, so we have to take away and hide it all. Thanks to her, I have cleared some of the clutter zones. I had no choice. She loves all things tech-related. Controllers, remotes, phones, computers, TVs, tablets... all of it! Which is great. Her dad is an engineering student. Computers and electronics are his area of expertise. My future nerd might become an engineer after daddy's own heart. 

I might be a stay at home mom, but I am by no means lazy. I do occasional work as an Editor and typist on the side. TV binge watching or being idle don't happen unless I'm too sick, tired or in pain to move. My days are rarely spent on the couch. I have too much else to do. And most of it involves her. 

This week, my Monday was drastically bringing me down. Mondays are a busy day for me. I barely keep up with my days, but Mondays I know what I have laid out for me. I start with laundry. I clean the kitchen (if its not already done). I vacuum if needed, upstairs and down. I catch up with comments on the blog. I decide on what new posts I need to get done during the week. All this, while balancing a very active little girl. She goes where she can, gets into whatever she can reach, and has moments of Mommy Envy. Those moments are when she wants to be held and see what I am doing. I normally keep up with these things without losing my mind. I'll be tired by 5, but its a job I'm equipped for. This past Monday, however, was a little more stressful. She was sick. Stuffy, runny nose, congestion - just plain miserable. Top that with me starting my period for the month... My head hurt. My back hurt. And I was tired before I rolled out of bed. I didn't feel like doing anything. And then, there was the response I was getting from posting a GoFundMe campaign. My husband and I had talked about it. And we figured we had nothing left to lose, so why not try? But then some questions came my way. Some thoughts were tossed into my mind. And, I doubted. As my husband pointed out, I feel wrong taking because I'm a Giver. Its my "gift" (spiritual, for those who know them). I feel worthless, pathetic, lost even, when I'm having to ask for assistance instead of give it. It just isn't me. So I bombarded him with my concerns. I told him the thoughts that were tearing me apart. As usual, he had the answers that I needed to hear. The words that reassured me that I was not anywhere near what I thought of myself at that moment. And he came home with something special to remind me that he still thought I deserved and was better. 

It has made this week go by so much better. I am focused. I am driven. I am ready to embrace the next days challenges. And I'm looking forward to celebrating my baby turning 1! We plan to spend this weekend with my in-laws. We will have an early Thanksgiving Day dinner, followed by birthday cake. My kids are all growing up. And seeing her be a year old, is a huge reminder that I need to slow down a little more. I need to remember this. We all do. Life flies by, when you stop paying attention. Don't ever forget that. Don't lose time, while speeding through it.

Celebrating Nine Years!

What have I done? I have raised a nine year old geek! And I'm so proud of myself!!! Okay, but seriously... My oldest turned NINE YEARS OLD today!!! Where has the time gone? I feel like just yesterday I was screaming into the doctors face that if he would step a little closer, I'd kick his face in. 

 At 2 years old, always a happy boy.

Giving birth to my oldest rewrote my understanding of pain. I'd take spinal fusions any day in comparison. And the fact that I was also worried about my babies life (that night before he came was very concerning to say the least), only amplified my will to bring him in to this world quickly and safely. I was in labor for 25 hours. I forced them to induce me after having blood clots an inch thick and the size of a half dollar drop out from between my legs the evening before. I freaked out. I thought I was losing my baby even though I was technically full term. They had kept me under observation for 12 hours, though I never saw the doctor during that time. Then they told me to go home. No explanation. Just said I was fine. When I mentioned the blood, they acted like they didn't know what I was talking about and said I was probably losing the blood that pools "down there" since we don't have periods when pregnant. Now, I'm not a doctor. I have no medical training. Maybe they were on the up an up. But in my gut, I felt differently. I told them they had two options. They could send me home and I would stay there the next time I went into labor. I'd have my baby alone in my bath tub and be all the happier for it. OR they could induce me. They chose to induce. Hmm... 
There is a reason women prefer to go naturally and not be induced. It really is the worse pain in the world. You start off good. Then you are slammed by wave after wave of excruciating, ab-tensing painful contractions. I had told myself I was going natural. Its safer. Its healthier. I lived through three spinal fusions. How bad could giving birth be? 
I was dying. GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL! 
You know what the anesthesiologist said? No. I'm not touching you. WHAT?! No epidural for this momma. Ever. My spine is cause for pause with them. One wrong move with that needle and they will paralyze me. So I went ahead. Full steam. Screaming and writhing in agony. With a deaf husband standing at my side, frozen in panic and a face that said, "I did this?" That was the only time I saw repentance in that mans face in all the 7 1/2 years we were married. 
When the time came, the doctor finally came in. I'd been there 24 hours and then some! HE FINALLY WALKED IN! He was a prick. It was time and he strolls in asking how I was. I started screaming with the next contraction to answer his question. He tells me to shut up. "You need to stop screaming and save your breath to push." No, what I need is for you to step a little closer so that my foot can be planted squarely in your face. The nurses wouldn't allow my mother in the room with me either. They said it would be too many people. My mother warned me to let it go. She didn't want the nurses to be ugly to me if I was stubborn about something. I still regret not having her there. Might have made the time go easier. Might not have. But she should have been given that option. 
Then I started bleeding out. I went into shock. No one seemed to notice. I told my husband to cover me with a blanket. Then the doctor says, "You bled out and went into shock a little." No, duh, Sherlock! I couldn't hold my baby. Turns out, I tore. My doctor didn't help ease the baby out as he crowned by massage the passageway. Then, he said that after I tore it wasn't open enough so he needed to cut me open a little more. Talk about wanting to murder my doctor! (He wasn't even MY doctor. He was my doctors husband!) 
I lay there. Crying. Watching them with my newborn across the room. His father was cutting the cord, holding his hand, helping to wipe him off. And I lay there shaking, just watching. It was torture. Then he brings this little bundle to me. And suddenly, the world could've disappeared and it wouldn't have mattered. I felt nothing of the pain anymore. I saw my son. So little. He was the most beautiful sight in all the world. I know every mother says that, but its true for each of us. Everything fades away when you see what you accomplished and hold your baby for the first time. I wasn't able to hold him for a while, but he at least laid next to me. And I was happy. I lay there, happy. The doctor sewed me up, congratulated me, and I never had to see him again. 

At 4 years old, this boy was and still is full of energy!

Fast forward to now. He's in second grade. He can do triple digit math. He LOVES Star Wars. He probably knows it a little better than I do. Great at spelling (chip off the old block!). He's embracing a love for Star Trek as his step father is teaching him how it is better than Star Wars... 
And I could not be more proud. This is my little man. Growing up. Too fast. A lover of people. 

He stole my heart then and he holds it even now.

New Mexico or bust!

I was about ready to bust. After all, it was a twelve hour drive each way for our family. Four kids, one being 8 months old. All of us stuck in the rental van together. You know how that goes? "Mom, her leg is touching me!", "Mom, can I have more chips?", "I have to pee!" (at which I respond, "Can you wait just a little longer? We have to find a gas station.") "No, I can't hold it. I really have to pee!" 

*deep sighs and a head slap*

Yep. That was the drive there and the drive back. We left early Friday morning and got back home Sunday night. It's been described as a "whirlwind trip" and that's exactly how it felt. Too much time in the car, not enough with the person we went to see. 

We spent time and money preparing for this trip. I wanted to make the road time as painless as possible. I wanted to keep the kids as entertained as possible. I wanted myself and my husband to feel as comfortable as we could. Sitting for 12 hours... I can barely manage 2 hours at time! But I had a goal. A very important goal. We were going to see Great Grandpa Al! 

One thing we purchased to make the trip better was the Ozark Trail cooler.

It was truly worth the nearly-$50 price tag! If you make long trips, plan to go on all-day park adventures, or otherwise need a long-lasting drink/food cooler - this is it! They boast staying cold for up to 3 days. And they aren't kidding. I had 2 ice packs and enough drinks to cover us for at least half the drive one way. We thought we needed more ice, so we filled 2 gallon-sized baggies with ice to add on the bottom and the top of the waters. After 12+ hours, the ice from one bag had melted, but was still icy cold. The other bag still had ice! The zipper on this thing is water tight. Keeps liquids from spilling out like you wouldn't believe! The carrying strap that goes over your shoulder has gel in the center to keep it comfortable. I can't stand chaffing straps. And it has a convenient zipper pocket in the front. Need I say more? My husband and I were thrilled all throughout our trip that we had decided to spend the money and get one. We have so many plans to use it. Water park, lake, road trips... Oh yeah, gonna have some ice cold water all day today and tomorrow without adding ice! If you are looking to get one for yourself, we picked ours up at the local Wal-Mart. *These opinions are strictly my own. I was not paid, given incentive, or otherwise coerced into writing this mini review!*

Most of the trip was through flatlands.

Seriously. Everything is flat and looks the same.

I even got so bored that I started playing with my sons fast food toy...

Most towns we drove through were ghost towns. People lived in shacks, but there was nothing in the form of businesses. How do they manage?! 

We did enjoy some rainbows along the way. 

We stayed at the Hyatt Place Hotel in Albuquerque, New Mexico right alongside the airport. It was affordable, we were able to book it online, in a safe part of the city, and within a 5 minute drive to Grandpa's house. Let me just say, this hotel room was perfect for our 6-person family.

There were two beds in the room, with a half wall separating the "living room" area that had a pullout couch.

Trash cans were larger than your standard hotel rooms normally carry. This is a big deal when you have kids.They even set my daughters Minecraft Ocelot stuffed toy in her pillows to greet us when we came back that afternoon. I only had 2 issues with this place. One elevator was constantly having issues. We found it quicker to take the stairs sometimes. And then we had issues with drainage being slow in the shower. Other than that, it was a wonderful stay! 

My baby girl even begged Daddy to let her "drive". I can already tell, she will be quite the troublemaker! Just like her Mommy. 

Every time we stopped, we all had to get out. Potty, food, gas, and stretching those legs. Probably why the trip took 12 hours. But the time we spent there was totally worth it. The weather is a million times better than what we have here in Texas. They actually had cool breezes! Can't tell you how refreshing it was. 
I'm looking forward to the next time we go. So much more to do!

How many days are left?!

Not enough! I'm cracking down to make sure I have each detail just right and complete. I think we did really well with the pillars and flowers.

We had the inspiration from my fiancés grandmother and mothers favorite flowers. So we knew we wanted to try for white roses and, if possible, blue carnations. I saw these at Wal-Mart once and wished I could've found them in fake flowers.

But we went with others to try to match it as best as possible. In the end, it came to be something beautiful and just as well.

I've also been working on the chocolates needed and trying my best to get them just right. 

In the midst of everything, I took Memorial Day to enjoy my family. It is so easy to get caught up in the craziness of planning and details. Especially when you are feeling like it is more of a chore than a joy. I took a step back to connect with my kiddos.

We talked about what Memorial Day is for. Why we celebrate it. My darling husband-to-be even grilled dinner.

We topped off the night with s'mores!

We made our funny faces, told goofy jokes, and added to the happy memories that will go on for the rest of our lives. I needed to remind myself that there is more than just working towards this Saturday. We have a life going on in between.

My final week of being engaged!

Less than 7 days left until the wedding. My dashing fiancé is decked out to be Captain Terrell. He will not be shaving his head as he fears it will not grow back. So a slight modification to Picard. But isn't that what great cosplayers do?

I'm excited to announce that mine is also complete!

And I feel ready to walk that aisle in it. Denise did a beautiful job. She put in so much hard work to create my dream dress. I know she had her hesitations about her ability to get it just right. But as the saying goes, we are our own worst critic. She hand sewed some of it, and got it perfected to fit me just right despite my flat-chested problems. You see, patterns don't account for lack of boobs.

A woman who wears a large should have ample chest. Wrong! So she had quite the time adjusting the dress repeatedly to lay right up top. I'm feeling so loved and fortunate to have had her making such a stunning dress for me.

My daughter has her dress embellished as well thanks to her Granna's design assistance. My boys are going to be storm troopers and my baby will be in her Trekkie dress.

I also completed the flower arrangements that will rest on the pillars my fiancé made.

Today, we worked on getting them painted. Tomorrow I have to do the final coat.

They look like the Twin Towers right now...

The vases were interesting. Who knew that painting glass bowl vases was such a difficult task?!

My dad texted me too. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to seeing him and the family. I do miss them, being so far away.

And thanks to my best friend, Gwen, I have amazing and unique gifts for the mothers and bridesmaids! She went out of her way to make it special.

Next week, I’ll begin the process of making the chocolates for the cake decorations and favors. We picked up some cute bags that will placed at some of the seats.

And lastly, I have to create my bouquet. Its going to be attached to a light saber hilt... if all goes well!

Time is picking up momentum. Soon, we will be standing at the alter leading to a great, adventurous future. I’m excited!