Showing posts with label hardship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hardship. Show all posts

Monday, February 17, 2020

Waiting is the Hardest Game

Hey guys! I haven't been writing much. Too much going on, and can I be frank for a moment? I've been working through so much in my life these days. It's a new year, so new me, right? Except, the new me thing isn't what I hoped for. This year started off great, and don't get me wrong, is still going great! But I'm struggling with some heavy personal changes. For starters, who I am. I'd love to say that I'm still the sexy, biker chic who knows what she wants from life that I was 14 years ago. But I'm not. Nor will I ever be again. Heck, even the me of 2016 isn't here anymore! My life has changed so drastically and quickly that sometimes I don't know who I am outside of Mom and Wife. Those zones are totally outlined. No questions there. But who am I when I'm alone? Better yet, who do I want to be? Hmm, now there is the enigma. 

Who am I? 

First and foremost, I'm a Christian. A follower of Christ. And I try to be the best in that area as I can be. And let me tell you something... God is truly testing my patience. Okay, not testing it. He is working on it to make it stronger. How? Through my medical condition. Want to know if you have the "patience of a saint"? I wish I'd never been described as having that... Have your health fail on you. Long term. You will meet a whole new you. A side of you that cries yourself to sleep. A side of you that hates looking in the mirror. A side of you that feels lost. A side of you that can't stand being around other people no matter how much your heart loves them. Oh yeah, that side is there. You just can't see it until something forces it out in the open. And it is ugly.
Well, God decided my patience needed some more work. Let me back up a second here though, I'm moving ahead of the context. I'm in pain. All day, every day. For most days, I can get by. I smile, I laugh, I talk. The only person in my life who sees me cringe is my husband. He sees me when I'm trying not to pass out. He sees me when I grab my side or back and wince. When my migraines strike, more than once a week. He's the only person I can't, and really don't want to, hide from. Hard enough hiding from everyone else. Even my kids rarely see my struggle. And I do everything I can to keep it that way. For as long as I can. Lately, I've been avoiding going to the doctor. After all, the last time I went I was told that I would not get better. That surgery wasn't an option. That I needed to "learn to live with the pain". After that, I became legally disabled. And my husband permanently took away my car keys. I will not be allowed to drive. Ever. At 32, that is not what you want to hear. Not when you are insanely independent. Some days I feel like I'm going crazy. Shut in my home. May as well have bars on the windows and doors. So you can imagine my frustration at finding that feeling of something being terribly wrong hitting my gut. Somehow, I just know something isn't right. 

Sickness that just won't go away.

We started the year with a visit to the ER for a severe migraine. There was the flu. A sinus infection. Some allergies. More sinus infection. I haven't been 100% for the entirety of this new year. So I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that the doctor diagnosed me with bronchitis today. Yep. Inflamed lungs. She said it usually fully recovers in about 3 months, providing I don't get sick again. Yay me. The reason I made the appointment was to diagnose rib pain. A fizzy feeling in the left lung when I breathe in and severe pressure in the right ribs, usually when I'm sitting. Sometimes a stabbing feeling. And she finds bronchitis right off. That was just the x-ray. She's running a liver enzymes test and I have to go for scans to see if my gall bladder is to blame. If there is a malfunction there. But those scans aren't happening until the end of this month, so.... waiting game anyone? Shall we take bets on what body part will fail me next? (My husband hates that joke.) I didn't even get to ask her what is causing the daily headaches-migraines. That will have to wait until my next appointment. 

In the meantime...

She also says other things have to change. I have to take a high dose Prilosec daily while changing my diet. No more tomato sauces. No more fatty foods. No more fried foods. There goes my homemade pizza. Burgers are out. Mmm, hash browns on breakfast night! Spaghetti and meatballs has been banned to me as well as meatball subs. Egg rolls on Chinese night. Just a few of my favorite things that I will no longer be eating. I take this as a sign from God that I wasn't losing those extra pounds fast enough. He's thrown me a way to do that. A way that I can't talk myself out of anymore. 

So how do I wait?

Not easily. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41) One of my favorite verses to go to is:
- Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Waiting is not easy. It is hard. The hardest. I know I'm not the only one feeling that way. Someone I love dearly is waiting for an important test result that will determine... well, life or death. And to think that they have had a longer wait than I do. So, I wait. I have kids to tend to. A husband to love. Some editing work to complete. And I need to figure out the new me. Who am I? What more do I want from this life? And how do I accomplish it? These questions used to be so easy to answer. Now, they need time. Patience. Prayer.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Through Hardships Comes Happiness in Thankfulness

This week has been quite the roller coaster for us. Last weekend, we dropped off our kids with my Mother and Sister-in-laws. This was a delayed anniversary gift from them, and very much needed. A chance to rest and take a breath. To enjoy each others' company for a bit. We had been looking forward to it! Sunday, we made our way back home. We had been joking the whole ride home about things we planned to do and the ways we would spend our lazy week together. Then we got home....
Monday was a day for us to be depressed and not really wanting to talk or do anything. We had checked the mail and found a letter telling us that I was being denied disability. Again. Despite the problems in my back and inability to hold a job, I'm considered too healthy to be disabled. It was quite a blow. And meant that I (well, we) would have some tough choices to make. The husband was away at school and I took some time to think and pray, because I felt so hopeless again.

Tuesday we had to take the van to the mechanic. Which is roughly 3-ish miles away. So we drove the van there and walked home. We drained 4 bottles of water in that walk. And may have taken the long way home. A friend and neighbor saw us as we were hitting the entrance to our neighborhood and drove us to our door. Which was a huge relief. Then we got the call that the van was diagnosed and we could come pick it up. So we threw on our shoes and packed 6 bottles this time. Off we went. Walking in 103 degree weather, along the highways and busy streets. I almost started to think I wasn't going to make it. A couple times the thought occurred to me that just maybe I should let my husband make the journey and come back for me on his own. But the whole reason I insisted on going was to make sure he was okay on this trek. It is a long, hot walk. And it goes through some ghetto-esque areas. Besides, we are in this together. Towards the end of the walk, I began to show symptoms of heat stroke. I was shivering cold through the sweat-soaked clothes. Yep, scared my husband, but I was feeling good. We had to stop several times so I could rest. Got the van and made it home though. Roughly 7 miles walked in 3 hours. After stripping down and taking a cold shower, we surveyed the damage. I had 7 blisters on my feet that are still slowly healing. His injured foot was swollen. My right side has a bulging feeling in between the spine and rib cage. Like a balloon has been inflated inside it and pressed against the nerve. I walk and sit hunched forward now to ease the pain. His arms and lower legs were sunburned. Had to douse him in the aloe vera gel. My head was pounding. Yes, we were a horrible sight to behold. Spent the rest of our evening on the couch with cookies and a bottle of wine I needed to review. I didn't even want to go upstairs to bed. 

Wednesday we had to go grocery shopping. Our feet were still a mess. I limped awkwardly while leaning all my weight on the cart. But better that we got through it before the kids got home, right? But at the same time, we got some good news. As a last ditch effort, we called a lawyer to ask if fighting for disability was even considerable. They questioned me and looked over what they had to work with. Remember - they don't take cases they don't see a sliver of hope in winning. Why? They don't get paid unless they win. The decision maker for this says it might be slight, but approved them taking it. We might not win, but we won't know unless we try. And what have we to lose at this point? 

Then comes Thursday. I'm packing for our trip to my in-laws to retrieve our babies. We are also going to have a family get-together with the patriarch in attendance. So I'm making cookies and getting other treats together to bring. We will go to my husbands university for his class. I'm going to chill in the library and then when he's done, we are going north! I've got all the plans rolling in my head when I hear the neighbor arrive to load the moving truck. Lucky neighbors are getting out of Dodge! I stepped out to talk for a moment and he tells me they want to give us things. A computer desk, computer monitor, a washer machine and a sewing machine in pristine condition from 1918! Now, these things won't help us out of financial crisis, but they gave me hope. Why? Well, we had talked about needing a bigger computer desk. And now we have one! A solid wood desk that will fit everything and then some. A washer when ours seems to be nearing the end of its life cycle. I am not completely sure what to do with the Singer, but if I did sell - it would cover at least one monthly bill. 
God moves in mysterious ways. We are not out of the woods, but we have hope. Life is not as dark as it seemed at the beginning of the week. And that is all we need.