Those Special Moments in a Mom's Life

I recently came across a blog post by a fellow Mom. She talked about things that people just don't understand unless they are Moms. And it really had me laughing. It brought back memories of raising my own children and the way things changed with that. She made a list of 15 Things People Don't Know About Mom Life. The following ones resonated with me.

1. Kids grow fingernails overnight. I feel like they must be sneaking the biotin vitamins from the bathroom or something. Hair and fingernails are constantly needing trimming! 

2. Bath time is a must. Not just so they can get clean, but so that we have a moment to breathe. It is a containment zone. For a least a few minutes, you can maybe clean something or sit down. But this only works when they are old enough to supervise their own bath! 

4. Their spit is whatever. I can't ever forget the look on my husbands face when I shrugged and popped the dirty pacifier in my mouth to clean it off before giving it to our 4th kid. I think he was secretly gagging. But that's just how this goes. They want to share something they are eating or drinking with you, you kinda just go with it. Daddy just doesn't have it in him to be that sharing. 

5. We become butt sniffers. I laughed so hard at this one! It is way too true. We catch a whiff of something and the first reaction we have is to lift the butt to our face to smell. Once they reach the running around age, we graduate to pulling the diaper/undies away to look in at the butt. I would love to hear what some of you non-parents think about this approach! 

6. Personal space? What's that?! We don't seem to notice when this truly begins. We just know that eventually our lap and either seat next to us becomes prize real estate. Fights and arguments break out as to who deserves or who's turn it is to see as close as humanly possible to Mom. Thankfully, they will also do that with Dad. So there is more spaces to go around. Going to the bathroom is now a show, as everyone needs something the moment I duck in one. I've just about given up on shutting the door at all.

8. Hot coffee, or even meals, are a thing of the past. I am now starting to remember what hot meals are like. And once the kids are tucked in, hot chamomile tea is my comfort. But in the beginning, by the time everyone is settled and you are able to stay sitting longer than the span of a single bite, your meal has cooled considerably. 

9. The Mom bun. She prefers the bun. I have a low pony tail. It is basically whatever fast, simple style you can do that keeps the hair out the way and free from grasping fingers. I think my last kid made the low pony tail a must. I don't know what her deal is, but ever since babyhood, she has had a thing for sniffing my hair. Yes, you read that right. She smells my HAIR. Grabs a nice handful and breathes it in. Don't know why. Reminds me of that guy on the Charlie's Angel movie...

And since the scent of Mommy has been so important for her, we actually use my used pillow case to cover her pillow so that she sleeps better.

10. It can be so lonely, despite not being alone. I'm surrounded all day, every day by at least one. And yet, the feeling of loneliness hits hard quite often. It is simply not the same thing as having adult interactions. Conversating with others that are on your level. You start to miss it greatly. I talk to my husband, usually when we do our devotions. Sometimes for 2 hours before I realize it. 

11. That moment when the kids are asleep and the house is clean-ish. It's one of those rare Ahhhh moments. If we had background music to life, it would be an angelic choir. It won't last long, so you savor it before you sleep. But to get there, you have to quickly run through a clean up as soon as they all lay down! 

12. When they are playing nicely, you don't disturb them! Especially right now, when we are locked up at home due to covid-19 closures. Every couple of minutes, I have either someone wanting to tattle on their sibling or someone yelling at the other for something ridiculous. So when they are playing in unison and enjoying each others company, I say nothing. I don't care if I have chores for them to do. I don't care about the toys in the living room. It's bliss for a little while. 

13. We don't always pick what our kids wear. So when you see my kids walking through the store in mismatched clothing or my daughter wearing her tall boots with shorts - just smile and nod. Keep walking, pal. I don't always pick out their clothes. As a matter of a fact, the only time I do is for special family gatherings. When I know we have pictures to take. Aside from that, they all pick their own outfits. Even the 3 year old. Now, I will, however, tell my 7 year old when something is too short to change. My girls aren't allowed to look like skanks in my household. 

15. That moment when the baby falls asleep on you and you commit to not moving. The world is peaceful when the baby sleeps. So you tell yourself that nothing needs doing bad enough to risk waking the child. And you will sit rigidly still, until 1 of 2 things happens. 1. the baby wakes up. Or 2. you fall asleep and slump in the chair with the kid. Done them both! 

So tell me. What parenting moments snuck up on you and changed you without the realization hitting you? Leave me a comment below!

Puss on Boots

Today's post will be short and sweet. While visiting my in-laws recently, I had worn a pair of boots. Upon entering the house, I had kicked them off near the front door. Mistake on my part. Especially when I know that their oldest cat has a thing for shoes. This cat, Oliver, is the brunt of many jokes. He's very old. Very ornery. To the point that we tease my husband as Oliver tends to like to be around my husband even though Andrew is very anti-cat. Oliver will come close to him and attempt to get Andrew to do something to him. That is when someone makes the comment, "He needs to fill up on hate from you Andrew. Gotta get his fix." The cat really does seem to live on hate. He likes to be abused. Now, let me clarify. No one really abuses that cat! But he likes to be nudged by feet. Like a soft kick in the side when he lays down before you. He also likes to be rubbed on the belly by feet wearing shoes. To me, this is bizarre. And then there are times when he likes to get in your way and trips you... Anyhow. He's old, evil, and crazy. And while there, I snapped this picture. Who needs Puss in Boots? We have Puss on Boots. 

So, here is where I get you involved. I want everyone to send a picture and short story about something their pet(s) did (or kids if you are like me) that you find adorable or weird. Or downright crazy. You can send it to me via texanmama08@gmail.com. I will create another post with them (or the best 3, depending on how many I get). If you don't have that, leave me a comment about the best you have seen elsewhere!

The Revised Version of The Declaration of Independence

Now before anyone gets their panties in a twist, this is meant to be a humorous, albeit more true than any of us want to admit, little break in life. I had received this in an email somewhere around 2005. The truth in it though, rings stronger now with the craziness going on in the world than it did back then. So sit back and enjoy. And may I also remind you, the time to stand strong in your beliefs and what you want our leaders to change - is now.

"We, The People of the United States"

We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self evident - that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill  of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:

Article I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

Article II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

Article III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

Article IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found andwill gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing tired

Ridiculous Ramblings in Retail part 4: Are You Security?

So, you know I work in retail. I’m a security guard in retail. I wear a Navy blue uniform with a badge and name tag, carry a mini Mag Lite and even a pair of real handcuffs. Most days I can stand for hours in the front and basically people watch. You strike me as suspicious or look like our “regulars” I might even follow you through the store.
This is what I really look like at work. Remember this for later:

One nice day, I’m trapped inside watching everyone coming and going. This guy had just finished buying his stuff and walks towards me as he heads out the door.

A puzzled look crosses his face. “Are you security?” (Remember the picture above??)

In my head I’m saying, “No, I just randomly dress like security and waste nice days inside.”

“Yes, sir, I am,” I reply with my plastered on smile.

“Well, you are the cutest security guard I have ever seen,” he says with a wink.

What?! Cute?? I’m going for intimidating!!! Security guards aren’t meant to be cute. Okay maybe the really hot guys with guns are classifiable as cute, but not the skinny chick wearing hand me downs from the previous guy guards.

“Why, thank you, sir.” I have to be nice after all. Its retail, dont'cha know!

About five minutes later, another guy walks in.  This one is older, wearing a black shirt that says CATS (yes, as in the play) across the front and has eyes in the back. He stumbles my way and gets just a little closer than I’d like. “Are you security?” Alcohol breath flows hot and heavy into my face.

I’m strongly tempted to reply with a sarcastic, “Nope. I’m just playing dress up as a security guard today. Tomorrow I’ll be a princess with a purple pony.”

“Yes, sir. I’m security. Can I help you with something?”

“Well, if I ever get arrested, I hope you’re the one arresting me!”

*Insert metal head slap here* This is probably what he thinks he sees:

“Where’s the pharmacy at?”

I point and give directions. He leans too close and looks at where my finger is pointing.

A few minutes go by and he comes back by. I get a call warning me about a drunk who just bought cough syrup wearing a CATS shirt. Good times people. Now if they will just let me come to work looking like this....

Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor)

Okay so most of you have probably already read this before. Its been going around the internet and emails for years. And no matter how many times I read it - I still laugh until my sides ache. So a little humor for your day!

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected to be a judge at a Chili cook-off in Texas, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

 CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

 CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

 CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Crazy rednecks! ! !

 CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone!

 CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like mess, to match my shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama? (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report)