A follow up to a previous situation

I had written about starting up a Go Fund Me for hiring a lawyer and seeking full custody of my children. After reading a comment to that post, I have decided to follow up on what happened to that end. 

I started up the fundraiser and a dear friend of mine made a considerably large donation. The gratitude I felt was tremendous. I didn't even think I would get the amount she had donated, let alone more. Call it an empty hope created by desperation. I have learned, however, that God moves in mysterious ways. So after receiving that amount, I called up someone that I was given high recommendations to. This person was previously a lawyer and the best when it came to family cases. What I hoped for was a weight to be lifted from my shoulders. What was returned to me instead was a blow to my dreams. He is now a mediator who works to find middle ground for those in legal disputes. He also refers you to the best in the business depending on your needs. He explains the law and what options you have. My options are not just limited. They are singular. The state of Texas protects the accused in some ways, more than the victims. I should've known this. After all, I've been involved in a case where I interpreted for a friend whose illegal deaf wife tried to kill him in his sleep, with his children present and witnessing, and she not only got out of being deported (despite those who knew her pushing for that option), but she also got out of jail and was given primary custody of the kids. If that is possible, how much more so a guy keeping his rights when he does things morally wrong with or to his children? 
The legal advice I received knocked me down a peg and put me in the cloud cover of doubting my ability to be the Mom I need to be. I was told that the State would not easily give full custody to one parent over the other, if at all. They will exhaust other options, and funding, to keep both parents in the children's lives. Even fighting for supervised visits with the documentation I have would cost me in the neighborhood of $10,000. And that's just a start. Instead, I was told to document every instance in a journal. Make sure my kids tell me everything. Make sure they can reach me no matter what time or where while with him. And to pray that nothing bad happens. I have since filed an additional report with Child Protective Services. They began an investigation, but I was told that the situation fell into a slightly gray area. So they would reach out to my ex-husband and inform that certain actions are from here on, prohibited. Should anything happen again, they will look further into supervised visitation rights. As for the kids being left alone or unsupervised at the theme park, that isn't considered a bad thing that they will investigate until one of them is severely injured, kidnapped, or worse. So the training of them knowing exactly how to respond to strangers, dangerous situations, or being in a moment of feeling uncomfortable about something has taken on an urgent tone. We talk about it often. My daughter knows to yell to her brothers for assistance if her father refuses to listen to her. I choose to think that I have scared him enough with my words and actions that he will back away from ever making such choices again. 
The campaign I had started, was removed. The money I had received was returned to my donors. I am focusing on doing what I can to make them safe as much as possible. I also pray that God's will be done and that I have strength to accept what I cannot control. Its a hard way to live. Its a struggle that I have to endure. May it be known, however, that I will not seek a way into the loophole I have been made aware of. I will stay ready for the moment when I can finally have them safe and be done with him. I have expressed to them and to him, that they have the ability to call me any time for any reason. I send snacks and food as I'm able to ensure they are well fed. I also feed them before they leave and upon returning to me. 
I love them dearly. I may not have made all the right choices. I may still be learning from the decisions and outcomes I have been through, but I keep pushing forward. I will always do my best for them.

A Decision Not Made Lightly

I have been happily divorced for quite some time now. For about 7 ½ years, I battled depression during the physical, mental and verbal abuse that was directed towards myself and my children. I hated waking up. I hated being home. I hated myself. I wanted to spend every moment I could away from him. Even if it meant working long shifts. Even if I wasn’t with my children. I told myself it was better if I wasn’t with them, because while he was there, the volcano was inching closer to exploding. He had a way with getting under my skin. Still does. He makes snide remarks. He comments on things that he has no right to. All the while, trying to offer “advice” or be “helpful”. I have flashbacks of the time he called my mother fat while saying if she wasn’t she could do more and look better. Or the time he said that my parents had too many kids and because of that, they couldn’t have a “fun” life. Its offensive, but we shrugged it off and told him it was wrong to make such statements. After all, he is deaf. He didn’t have someone teaching him manners, tact or social etiquette because no one in his family truly knew Sign Language. How can you hold someone accountable for their actions when they were never taught?

Well, now we are in a new arena. This time, it involves proper care and protection of children. My children. This Friday, his weekend of visitation starts. I dread each time I have to send them to him. I worry the whole time they are gone. Will they come back? Will they be safe? Will he feed them? Will someone kidnap them when he’s not watching? Will he be inappropriate towards my 4 year old daughter? Why do these questions plague my mind? Simple. These are things that I have heard from my kids after being with him. I have video recordings of them telling me about their weekend upon returning to me.

My ex-husband is deaf with no peripheral vision and no night vision. Yet, the state of Texas has given him a license with no more restrictions than he wear normal glasses. Since getting his license, he has wrecked every vehicle he has driven, starting with my van. He even rolled his big truck after falling asleep at the wheel and within about 4-5 hours, they gave him a new one. Tell me where that makes sense. So the worry that he will crash with my kids on board makes me very nervous. He has recently downsized from the big Tundra to a Rav4 SUV. And last time we picked up the kids, we noticed that he had wrecked it. Still has the paper tags! Front and back fenders are both damaged.  

He doesn’t wake up to feed them until he’s good and ready. They complain about starving all morning because he ignores them when they try to wake him up. And when he does feed them, it’s usually an array of junk foods. Last time we picked them up, he told me he can’t afford groceries. He uses a credit card to pay for food. How is that possible when he’s not being forced to make his child support payments? He defrauded the IRS starting in 2014. He defrauded Disability starting in August of 2016. So he owes thousands of dollars to each of them. He got a fancy apartment with a nice garage because, as he told a mutual friend, “my truck is important and needs to be protected”. Great priorities when picking a place to live and have your kids over. When the kids are with him, they sleep in his living room. Boys on the floor, Ana with him on the couch. His only bedroom is used for his great Lego hobby. And then there was the time my daughter came home and told me, “Daddy got in the shower with me. I told him not to, but he didn’t listen.” As a mother, you can imagine where my thoughts went. Especially since I knew what he was capable of. After all, she came from the night he didn’t take no for an answer. She says nothing happened, he says she wanted him there. I try to think of it as a misunderstanding on his part.

He had bought season passes to 6 Flags before finding out he owed so much to so many. And since he feels it would be a waste not to use them, he takes the kids when he has them. Great, except for not having money for food and drinks. Much fun to be had even if he leaves the kids unattended while he rides the coasters they are scared of, right? Or he takes the oldest, at 8, and leaves the 4 year old with her 7 year old brother. What could possibly go wrong? Or how about letting them ride alone together and not meeting them where the ride ended? My daughter got hit in the head and was crying while her oldest brother was freaking out and running to find their dad. But all good, as “nothing bad happen”. That is the response I keep getting from him when I confront him about these things. Even after I point out the dangers. Even after I tell him what this means legally. Nope. Doesn’t matter. I’m just an overprotective, paranoid, crazy ex-wife who ruined his life. He tells the kids that it is my fault we are not a family anymore. And sends me a text of a picture that my daughter drew of the family where daddy and I are together again. My children know that will never happen.

So I stepped up. I won’t put him down. I won’t call him names. I won’t point out his flaws to the kids. I will not be that negative influence that paints a horrible picture of the sperm donor they know as their dad. He is doing that well enough on his own. My oldest son has made it clear that he only goes over there because he wants to play video games and because its his only chance to see his dads side of the family. My middle son has asked if he can stop going over there. I try to avoid that question. My daughter says she goes because he treats her like his favorite and she gets whatever she wants. What am I to do?

I tried talking to him. I tried getting his family to talk to him. I tried reporting him to Child Protective Services. None of those worked. CPS actually mailed me a letter saying that they didn’t think it was worth investigating. So I have now decided that I will fight for full custody. I won’t take any more of this. No more waiting for a phone call that something bad happened. Dreading the day they won’t return. I’m going to fight for them. It was a huge decision. One I kept shoving aside. My emotions were all over the place. My fiancé has told me that God is in control no matter what happens. And I believe him to be right. As a Christian, I know that I have to trust that God is protecting them and that anything that happens is a part of His will. As a mother, I struggle. I am gasping for air. I am swimming against the tide. I’m drowning in the fear of what could happen. All because my attempts to educate him have failed. As my Mother pointed out, how can he know right from wrong when he was never taught to be a parent? In response, who will teach him when he doesn’t want to listen to me?

Pour me something strong and lets get this weekend over with...

Only 4:30 PM and I’m ready for bed. No… ready for a strong drink and a movie. Yeah…. Just 4 more hours until the kids go to bed. 
This is my thought line about now. I’ve spent the entire day since breakfast cleaning the apartment.

Two and a half bathrooms, kids’ bedroom, kitchen, dining room, swept and vacuumed the floors…. I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss anything. And the smell of bleach was like welcoming an old friend over. Tried playing some video games after I was done to cool down. Somehow it just doesn’t work when you have kids running around screaming or tattling on each other. 
What led to my day going this way? How about living with your ex as a roommate who doesn’t help clean anymore? He takes the trash out and babysits. Makes sure bills get paid and occasionally washes laundry (especially when he needs something clean). But that’s where it ends. Lately I find that every time I’m off for a day, I’m cleaning. At first I believed it was because he was incompetent as a stay at home dad on disability. I mean honestly… how hard is it to wash the dishes before I get home? How hard is it to see the trash is full and take it out before I have to say something or do it myself? But this is part of what led to our divorce. I’m tired of having a grown man that has the mentality of a teenage boy for a husband. Of all the jokes that I don’t just have 3 kids, I have 4. But after today…. I’m thinking he’s doing it on purpose. Maybe I’m giving him too much credit, but it seems like he is actually leaving the heavy cleaning for me to do on my days off. My days off are when he goes out with his friends from morning until night. He typically takes the van so I have no way of leaving the house with the kids. What else am I to do then? Clean! Plus he knows I’m OCD about cleanliness.

I hit the ground running every day when I get home from work. Washing dishes, folding laundry that was left in the basket, changing a diaper, sweeping the floor. I see something didn’t get done, I get to work on it. Or how about his half-done jobs? You ever hear the saying, don’t do a half-ass job? I’ve grown up with that mentality. You can’t do the whole job, don’t bother trying. Don’t sweep the floor and leave the pile in the corner. You have three kids running around. Especially in a high traffic walkway. How stupid can you be?! I digress… I feel used. Taking advantage of someone's mental strain to get something done is awful. Being OCD means I can't fight the urge to clean. To have order amongst the chaos. It makes me feel disoriented. I'm lost. I feel like I'm living in a dirty old barn. 
So I get to work and don’t stop until everything is spotless. Headphones in and ponytail tight. This is practice for the day when I live alone as a single mom of 3 after all. Do you know it sucks? Like really… how you single moms do this daily I will never know. My respect only grows stronger for them. I just want to run away from it. The thought of leaving it all behind has hit me more than once. And lately, more so. 

My mind had a chance to think about all those things I try to tuck away and ignore. All the things that I will need to deal with, but I really want to just ignore until they go away. That’s when I realized that I spend my days off cleaning. Every single week. Thoughts then drift to my divorce. What’s left to complete it? How can I speed it up so my ex can officially start dating these girls he’s been asking out? After all, I’m not the psychotic ex-wife that slashes tires, cleans the toilet with his toothbrush, and spreads rumors about his personal habits. Nope. I want him to find someone who makes him truly happy. I doubt he will. After all, he married a modern day Wonder Woman and she wasn’t good/smart/pretty enough for him for 7 ½ years, but still. Having someone in his life will keep him off my case and out of my business. Total win-win if you ask me. The frustration keeps my energy on high until the job is done. I even packed away stuff that sits on shelves collecting dust to make extra space for his Lego mess which has taken over half the dining room. Now I'm ready to cook dinner and pop in a movie with the kids. Once they are in bed though.... Bring on the alcohol. Granted I'm not a drinker. Matter of fact, I had my first drink at the ripe age of 27 years old. And even then, it was only a Smirnoff. Or two... But tonight, I think I'll take it up a notch. Its the weekend, I'm off, children will be asleep. What else would I do to relax? I'd go back to Krispy Kreme for another doughnut... yesterdays free doughnut was awesome!

So here's to drinking to forget how crappy the day was...