Learning to Let Go

As your children grow older, you might have a harder time accepting that they have likes and interests that vary from what you thought they liked or were into. They are changing. It can be so subtle at times, that we don't realize it until it slaps us in the face. 

I've been purging the house of things that we don't need, never use, or I really don't think we will have a use for anymore. We also cleaned out the storage closet under the stairs recently. I needed the Christmas decorations brought to the front, as soon we will find it is time to set up the tree and decorations. I also wanted to pull out the pre-pregnancy clothes that I have decided not to "hope" I will ever fit into again. This rear of mine has grown with the last pregnancy and I think its all hips. It's not going anywhere. (Which makes my husband a happy man.) While doing this, I noticed that we had accumulated 3 totes of books. I'm talking the 18 gallon-sized bins. Of books. So I got to thinking... I had been packing away books and swapping out kids books every so often with the hope that eventually we would own our own home and the kids could have a bookshelf with a lot of books they can read whenever they want. Its a great dream. But right now... its just a dream. We are probably not going to have a house for another year. Maybe two. So I pulled out all the books and sorted them. I even pulled out my books. I had tote filled with my personal collection and decided that if I'm going to truly make space, I need to start reading and/or pass along the ones I no longer plan to read. 

This was the first moment that I came to realize my kids were growing up and changing without me noticing. I had asked them to go through the stacks and put any books they loved and wanted to keep on the shelf. Anything they no longer wanted, would go in a separate stack on the floor. I was seeing books going into that stack of "get rid of" that shocked me. "But I thought you liked that one?" was my response a couple times. "Yes, but I think I want something else now." was the answer they gave. Wow! Who were these kids? When did they change and get bored with these favorites? But I accepted it. After all, they are growing up now. They read on their own. Okay the two oldest children do. My kindergartner is just now learning. It is time to adapt to their new interests. 

Then came another revelation. I went in my daughters' room. My oldest daughter is 5 years old now. She dresses herself and knows her style. We differ on what looks good, but I often respect her choices when she puts together an outfit. I go in there to grab something for the baby. That's when I saw it. Her overflowing drawer. That girl had too many clothes. More than any of the rest of us had. Her drawer was so full, she couldn't close it! It sat half open with clothes hanging out of it. I sat on the floor, pulled everything out, and began to stack them in piles. Pants here. Shorts there. Shirts in this stack. Skirts in a group. It was everywhere on her floor. I called her in. Mind you, this was as she was getting ready for bed on a school night. My husband gave me the "Really?" look. Yes, really. This was getting out of hand and I kept putting it off. "Let's go through your wardrobe, lady!" She loved doing this with me. She loves talking style with me. Me. The one who throws on whatever and has no fashion sense to save my life. She tells me what this shirt is good for. And this sparkly skirt is so "pretty". So I told her we were going to make sure each shirt she kept had to have matching bottoms. We kept all her pants. Winter is coming and I won't have her shivering because she got rid of the pants to keep the skirts. Which she would do. She wears dresses and skirts every chance she gets. Then I told her to pick 4 skirts and 4 shorts to keep. That should be enough. We matched a shirt to each one she picked and she made a pile of the clothes she no longer wanted. I'm sitting here thinking, "Surely that shirt is her favorite" - Nope! She tossed it out. "Okay, this shirt is a goner" - Nope! She "LOVES" that shirt mommy. Where have I been?! How did I not see this?? 

Then I was hanging the boys' shirts another day. They are both roughly the same size now though they are a year apart. They had over 25 shirts between the two of them! Time to pare down. I told each of them to pick their top favorite 10. No more than 10?! My younger son was freaking out... The shirts they didn't want were the ones I would have kept, while the ones they kept were the ones I thought were worn out. Instead of getting rid of the shirts they tossed out, however, I decided to set them aside in the top of their closet. They come home with holes in their clothes or rips from playing rough and falling down. So when that happens, I'll just swap out a shirt from the reserves. 

It was these most recent things that had me thinking. My kids are changing. And I didn't even notice. Same goes with games and pop culture things. They now love Plants vs Zombies. They talk about it all the time. We don't have those games at my house. So where is this coming from? Oh yeah, ex husband. They play it at his place and are addicted. I asked them why they never play the Lego Dimensions game. Know what they said? "We don't like it as much. Its boring." What?! Since when?? So I'm now packing that game and all its characters up to get rid of. 

When was the last time you noticed what your son or daughter was asking you for Christmas? My daughter likes My Little Pony now. She has moved away from the Minnie Mouse and Disney Princesses. She still likes princess stuff, but if given the choice between that and My Little Pony, she will choose the latter. 

Everyone keeps reminding me that I need to treasure these moments while I have them. One day they will be grown and gone and I will wonder what happened. In the meantime, I also need to pay more attention to what they like and dislike. To what they treasure and are willing to easily give up. Time really does pass us by so quickly. My oldest is turning 9 years old this Wednesday. NINE! Makes me feel so old... He is a gamer, Star Wars fanatic, excellent at spelling tests, and a story teller like no other. I couldn't be more proud of these things. He has his flaws, but he is growing. I can't wait to see what he grows into.

Winds of Change

To pirates, that meant something good or bad was about to happen, depending on the feeling in your gut. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it means:

“Forces that have the power to change things – used generally to mean change is going to happen.”

For me, the winds are bringing good change. It is time to admit that my current job has run its course. I gained what I needed from it to build up my knowledge and skills. I've also made connections. And now I’m ready to take them with me and make the next company I work for all the better for it. In addition, I’m going to use what I know in building my own business ideas. I have two in the works that I would love far more than anything I could do otherwise.

When you go home so depressed that you can’t even find the desire to have a normal conversation with the ones you love, when you find that you feel completely drained once you reach the weekend instead of feeling relaxed, and most importantly, when you feel that you have no drive to try for anything anymore… its time to realize that you need a change. The past few weeks have been just that. I felt hopeless. I was ready to quit. Ready to cry. Ready to scream. In my head, “I’m done” was all I could think about. Done with everything. That’s how bad my work weeks were.

They did great things, and yes, I might feel like they were amazing once, but that “once upon time” has ended. What I once loved doing, I now dread arriving for. I feel so burnt out. So lost in the tasks that are thrown my way by all corners of the office. I have read so many articles lately on how the younger generation in sales and growing businesses are losing energy. They are dropping off the grid of competitive goals. Why? They just can't keep up with demands. Demands that are unrealistic. France actually had to pass a law that employees CAN ignore work emails when they are off the clock. Seriously? My lead, not a manager, has clients calling, texting, emailing her, calling her through Skype - at all hours of the day/night. She works all day, goes home and works some more and then some on the weekends. But all she gets compensated for is the 8-5 work day. I can't live like that. I want a life outside the office. I have a family with multiple small children. I want to have that perfect life with lots of money saved up for future goals, but not at the expense of missing what I consider important now. My kids. My soon-to-be husband. They mean the world to me. I'd rather be poor with them, than alone at work and swimming in money.

So I'm now preparing for the changes to come. I'm looking to better the world around me. And if that means moving forward, then so be it.

Internet controls?!

My husband just showed me a very interesting post on a website called the Open Internet. I'm not sure where they are getting their information and I plan to look into this further.
In my search, I also found another article that talked about how ISP companies plan to extort more money and fill their pockets.

It sickens me the way they think they can get away with it. But at the same time, it goes to show how stupid they have become. This blogger will give up Facebook, the blog, Twitter (hate it anyways), and stick to only running internet searches for information if they try to enforce paying to use just certain sites. Or if they try to slow down my service and charge more for "premium" service. I won't do it. I rather have more money in my own pocket that be held captive to the ISP. Content providers like Netflix already have to pay "tolls" to provide you with service.

You know how you see "Buffering" pop up and the video takes a while to load? That's not Netflix or YouTube being slow. That's your ISP slowing your service. This is their sick way of making you suffer because they have nothing better to do and are trying to get more money from anywhere they can.

We need a strong net neutrality for sure. No ISP controls or FCC regulations to determine what internet options we can access and how fast we can do so. We as consumers need to know more about our options and be more aware of what is happening in the cyber world. Our Age of Technology will be plunged back into the Age of Books pretty soon as not everyone can pay fees to use various content providers. I, for one, don't need YouTube on a regular basis to warrant me paying a monthly fee to use it. As much as I enjoy watching movies on Netflix with my kiddos, I will give it up and save that extra $X to buy Blurays instead or go back to reading books in my free time. If I can't blog without paying additional fees (even though my blog is free through my Google accounts) then you won't be reading any more posts from me in the future. I won't be forced to pay for something I do as a service and receive no monetary benefit in return for. I'd rather put my money to better use.

While this all comes as a bit of a shock considering I have strayed from keeping up with technological advances of late, its also not as shocking as it should be. Today's day and age has become run by money-grubbing-whoring companies. Everyone is out to get what they can at others expenses. There is no such thing as "FREE" anymore. There hasn't been for quite some time. Somewhere, somehow, someone is getting charged.

So what are we learning here? First off, ISP companies aren't interested in servicing your needs. They are only looking to reap as much from your pockets and the providers you seek services from as possible. If they continue to go unchecked, they will basically (and forgive the blunt or crude wording) be raping everyone overall. You will be paying multiple fees for one service. Let's take for example Netflix. You already have to pay Netflix to stream or rent movies. You also have to be paying for high speed internet to accommodate the streaming. There are two separate payments for one service. But if the ISP wants more money from you, they will start charging a fee just for streaming videos. So now you are paying a third price for the one service. They will be making you choose what you use your internet for instead of allowing you to use it for whatever you previous wanted. Gaming, videos, email, social networks - all of it will change. Will you start paying to share photos and status updates with friends and family? Will you pay Microsoft, ISP and a fee just to play a game every couple of days when you have time? And consider this... You work hard or save in some other ways to pay for the fees for gaming or Netflix already. Are you ready to work more hours or save more elsewhere to continue those things? I know I'm not.
If this is where my internet usage is truly headed, count me out. I know I wanted to get offline more and into the real world where life is happening. And that's exactly where you will find me if these changes happen in the future. Books will make a comeback after all. Parks will receive more traffic. And perhaps obesity will take a plunge. Maybe its for the best that the poorer folks will no longer be online like they are now. But then maybe not. Technology has served as a way to get information out there. When no one can afford to access it except the rich, the age of learning and information may also decline. Ignorance will possibly make a huge come back.

Where will you be?

It's moving time again....

May I just start by saying... I HATE moving! It's miserable, time consuming and seems to be a strong supporter of holding me back.  In the little over 6 years I've been married we have moved about... 7 or 8 times? Including one very long and draining move across the country from Texas to Florida... with 3 small children in a Buick LeSabre with a trailer about the size of or slightly larger than my car trailing behind us. Besides the few hilarious moments when my deaf husband would do the fist pump so that truckers would honk as we went by, it was tiring. My back and legs ached and on parts of the drive I almost went off the highway when extreme exhaustion hit me like a sledgehammer. You see, I'm the only driver. And that's about 20 hours of driving with minimum stops. Plus I get to listen to the children complaining in the backseat, worry about the trailer dragging behind and wish I was alone on a sandy beach listening to anything besides the kids soundtrack CDs that I now have just about memorized. I've moved during pregnancies in the hottest parts of summers. I've packed entire apartments very nearly on my own while my husband slept during the day and worked overnight.
I hate moving. With a burning passion.
And yet, here I am again. Packing. Cleaning out. And preparing for another long move. 

 This time I'm transferring my job to another store so we won't have to end up living in a hotel while I scramble for work. And my husband is disabled. So there's some comfort. I've made friends here who are joining my other friends as online buddies. I feel like I'm abandoning my amazing coworkers here for the unknown folks of another store.
Housing arrangements are still in the air. My apartment here looks frightfully desolate as half of everything is in boxes already. And being OCD is driving me insane! I can't stand clutter, so having boxes stacked along the walls makes me feel like a freak from Hoarders.
Once again my children are showing signs of being unsettled as we have yet to firmly set roots anywhere.
So many questions swirling in my head. So many fears. Are my children ever going to have a good solid place to grow up? I sometimes feel like we go from apartment to apartment and they are like the puppies growing up in a pet store. They don't have room to run and play. To be free. For most of my childhood, my parents had houses. I went bike riding, roller blading, running, climbed trees... I had adventures. I want the same for my kids. But I'm always struggling. We can only afford so much. And time is quickly passing us by. Between work and getting daily chores done, we seem to miss the times of taking the boys fishing, going to the park, or visiting family and friends.
To make matters worse, my husband spends at least 2-3 hours (broken up in intervals between his gaming) to "talk" about what sort of housing situation I want. All the while knowing that I'm going to give the exact same answer I have been giving for the past month because we both know where we will end up in the end despite our best efforts for the ideal home. A house would be amazing. But at this point I'd settle for a 2 bedroom apartment so long as we get to where we are going and have a place to rest after the move. And so long as the one sided "discussions" finally end.
There are still the daily activities that come with being a working mother. Preparing and cleaning up after 2 meals a day, organizing the packing scene and de-cluttering, home schooling two highly active boys who get ants in their pants when told to sit still, working part time 3 days a week, and then trying to get enough sleep to keep me out of the zombie zone.
Some mornings I hear the "Mom" alarm and want to hit the snooze button (if only there was one). But the voices get louder. And they multiply.

I've been working on getting them ready for the move. I made up a backpack of toys, bought some fun packs from the Dollar Spot at Target, and tried telling them what's happening. They look forward to seeing their Oma and Papa. I got them in on "helping" me pack the toys...

 Finally there is the "Going Away" project. You know when you are going far enough away that you won't see the people you are close to for quite some time. So you plan shindigs and soirées to see everyone to say goodbye. Only it's hard to find those times. Most of them are later at night. Then comes writing those heartfelt goodbyes. I believe that when you truly mean it, you write it. Not just say it.
All of this leads to the choice of curling up  in the fetal position whilst growling at any who dare approach... Or rolling with the punches and taking it one step at a time. I'm still fighting the urge to take the first option.
I know that the next few months will be a completely different nightmare. On top of being in a new place, I'll be starting over in a new store as the new girl all over again. Let's be honest, I don't make friends well. I hide in my shell until someone forces me out. Ask my best friend. She literally scared the friendship into life. Then she dragged me into her circle of friends of our workplace adding two other besties to my life long pals list. I think that's sorta how it worked out in my latest job as well. The outgoing, friendly people pulled me in and one of them even gave me a run down on everyone else so I didn't come out feeling like a total stranger around everyone. Now I'm starting over...
School is going to be put on hold. Again. 6 years is a long time to put college on hold. Especially when you had so few classes left towards your degree.
So much to do. So little time. Sadness, frustration, anxiety... all tugging away at what's left of this moms sanity. I certainly hope for the best, fear the worse and will do everything I can to make it the best transition possible! Thanks for listening to my craziness. Feel free to tell me what you think about it in a comment below.