The Struggles Are Real

It is hard to feel sympathetic towards others in pain when you, yourself are suffering. Especially on a daily basis. I do feel bad for those with pain. For those with deformed spines particularly. I can have a real sympathy for them.

I know only too well the hardships they face doing the simple things in life. Everyday is a process. Pushing myself to keep going. Striving to get things done. Pregnancy made things so much harder, both during and then after. I've sought help from several doctors over the past several years. More than once, I've heard words that essentially meant, "I can't help you." One doctor even told me, "You are a strong woman. Learn to live with it." I still have a double curve. My arthritis has spread throughout my body. In some ways, my research has made me more of an expert than most of the real 'experts'. A disc slipped. Crushed the nerve under it. Then I found out I had Degenerative Disc Disease. 

 Degenerative discs are when the discs in the spine are under pressure and begin to "dissolve". I know it runs in the family as my aunt had to have a rod put in to support her lower spine. I had one doctor suggesting we should do laser surgery to remove whatever was causing the pinching of the nerves. If that hadn't worked, he wanted to just insert rods again.  

We never got there there. I had my baby, life moved on. And so did we. Went to a new town. My neck lost its natural curve, causing migraines and headaches. New doctors said I was beyond help by them and the scientific knowledge and equipment they had access to.

Back when searching for answers was important to me, I was really feeling like a walking disaster. I had depleted my PTO at work. Between child care, vehicle issues, pain and inability to walk... I felt like a lost cause most days. 
I got so tired of the life that meant telling my kids, "Mommy can't right now." I'm still not wanting to socialize because I don't like those pitying looks or "poor you" comments. I'm tired of seeking answers and coming to dead ends. Of wanting relief and finding only more pain.

I have learned of all kinds of pain relief methods. Some that work for me. Some that don't. But it gives me options to suggest to others who are in a similar situation as I am. 

Epsom salt baths

Heating pad and ice pack revolutions

Over the counter medicine is round the clock on my hardest days, but I've been warned about liver and kidney damage. 

Stretch and walk as often as I can. 

Through everything, pain persists. Sleeping, sitting, walking, reclining - sometimes it just doesn't matter what I do. However, I can proudly say, I'm surviving through it. I'm living life as best I can. Day by day. 

For all of you out there who have back problems - I feel your pain. I understand every ache. I know what you go through daily. It may never get easier unless you take drugs or have surgery. No, it will most likely get worse. Every day it gets harder to roll off the bed. To stand and wash those dishes. To lift that bag of groceries. To sit at a computer for 8 hours. To smile at those you pass while pretending you are okay. But we can't stop. As much as I want to give up or as often as I question, "Why me?" I have to remember that I'm needed no matter what. I have to keep trying and be patient. As my husband often reminds me, we have to wait on God and His timing. It's hard. Very, very hard. I'm usually very patient. More so than most. But I do struggle daily.
Keep on trying. Don't give up. Answers will come. Whether they are what what you want to hear.... that remains to be seen. But don't give up.

First the Test, Then the Lesson

Life is all about learning. However, have you ever noticed that the test usually comes first and then you learn a lesson? Think about it. Stuff happens and then you learn from it. What about this other saying, "You learn something new everyday"? I'm pretty much convinced that is the truth no matter who you are. And boy, am I learning. 

Scoliosis is Not Easy

My biggest learning curve right now would be how scoliosis is still affecting parts of my life. For anyone who doesn't know me, I have had spinal fusion surgeries to "fix" the curve. However, the fusions have caused other issues. The doctor I saw most recently said it best, "You cannot gain something without giving something up." The fusion corrected a wayward spine, but it took away flexibility. And though I might not feel as changed on a daily basis (despite the problems that are manifesting now), my body isn't done transitioning. The night before last also taught me that I'm not as tough as I thought. I haven't cried so hard in a long while. How can this mother of 4 be brought to her knees so thoroughly? How about when your ribs don't flex as you breathe and you feel like you are being stabbed in the lungs. 

I had just sat down with pen and paper to write encouraging letters to my sons in time for their STAAR test. Their teachers had emailed that this is how they wanted to build our kids up and give them confidence for this great undertaking. So of course I want to do it! Out of nowhere, I gripped my mid-upper abdomen. It started as a shooting pain, so I started breathing shallow to keep from pressing too hard. Just under the cartilage, or bones, of my rib cage in the front is where it was. I tried standing up. As we sit, everything gets squished together. Sometimes standing elongates everything and I feel like I can breathe again. You see, pains like this aren't new to me. But normally they only last about a minute or two. I stretch. They go away. This time was not going to be so easy. Every time I inhaled, it was like someone slid a knife in my lung. I tried massaging the area and pressing where it hurt. I also tried stretching my arm. It kept getting worse. Every breath, no matter how light, was killing me. I stumbled to my bathroom to get my last muscle relaxer. I had been prescribed some the last time I had a "muscle spasm". It was very similar to what I was going through this time around, except that this time I could move my arm without pain. Last time, I was unable to move anything waist up on that side without feeling like I was being tortured. I texted and called a nurse friend of mine. It hurt to talk, to breathe, to just ask her opinion. Knowing my history as she does, her first worrisome thought was that a lung had collapsed. And let's face it, as much as I was struggling and hurting, I freaked out. 

Don't Fear Having Weaknesses

I hung up with her and laid on the floor. In my head, I kept praying for relief while hoping that it wasn't a collapsed lung. I didn't realize it, but I was crying and gasping for air so loudly, that my oldest son came to check on me when he woke up to use the bathroom. He was asking if I was okay and if I need him to wake Daddy (who was sleeping for work). I was torn. On the one hand, I did want my husband to come and at least sit with me. But he had to work that night. So he needed to sleep. When I could not take it alone anymore (especially with my toddler throwing her toys on my chest to "help" me), I nodded my head and my son ran to wake my husband. All he could do was stroke my face and tell me to breathe. And that was enough. I laid there crying and clutching where it hurt. After a while, the pain ebbed enough to let me relax. I still had spasms, but they were fewer and farther between. For safe measure, he ended up calling in that night.

We decided to wait until morning to get me checked out. Unless the pain kicked in again. I stayed restful for the night and we went to the clinic in the morning. After 3 tests, the doctor concluded that some of my ribs are not moving. And by staying rigid, it confines my lungs. The muscles then react at times by stiffening up. Which causes the spasms. Which then trigger the stabbing pains. Suddenly, other things made sense. Like why I feel like I'm not getting enough air all the time. Why I feel as though my chest is constricted. Why I am always trying to stretch my torso. It is because I really can't breathe deeply anymore. 

I felt quite pathetic. After all, I have a husband and 4 kids who are relying on me. I don't have time to deal with such restrictions. Even as I type this out, I'm trying to breathe and feeling like there isn't enough air in here. 

Acceptance is Key

The ultimate lesson I've learned? Acceptance. Accepting that this is what my body is. This is what I'm confined to. And I have to live with it until my new doctors can find a way to fix it. I pray daily for the strength to battle the pains. And now for the strength draw breath. It isn't easy. And I feel pathetic more often than I care to admit, but I know I have to accept what has been dealt and work with it. I have to keep praying and holding on to hope that one day this will all get better. Ultimately, I don't know what God has planned. I just have to trust that it is for the best. And hopefully that it will help someone else who may have the same type of problems to understand their condition a little better.

Journey to Pain Relief: My Thoughts On Our New Purple Mattress

I've had my Purple Pillow for some time now. As you can see here, I wrote my review on it a year ago, but had it for a couple months before then. I'm still as much in love with it now as I was then! So we decided to see if the mattress would help as much.

*Disclaimer: My husband purchased this for us. I have not been endorsed, paid to write and did not receive this Purple product for this review. All opinions are my own.* 

Pain is no joke. EVER! 

I've been dealing with back pain for over two years now. My spine looks like it has been over a minefield. The various doctors' reactions when they see even part of the picture has painted an ugly reality for me. Sleep became a permanent thing of the past most recently. I've come to see a part of me that I try very hard to keep at bay. I don't have the patience I need to wrangle with the baby all day. I don't have the energy, or drive, to put in my normal effort for the daily grind. I've tried throwing myself into my crafting, but that only goes so far. Working out causes pain flare ups, however, not working has made losing 40 pounds look impossible. All this adds to my moments of feeling the blues. 

When was the last time you checked your mattress or pillow as a cause of pain? 

My husband has been looking into the mattresses that Purple had to offer. Since the pillow worked out so great and helped with my neck pain, we thought that the mattress would help me sleep better and wake up refreshed. We decided to go with their original model. It also happens to be the cheapest option, which is best for us right now. We wanted to use part of our tax return to pay for it.  They have other options, however. You can pick your thickness or firmness. With those options, the price fluctuates too. And then we also got free sheets with it! Pretty cool, huh? Super soft and stretchy.

I was so very excited when we placed the order. But then shipping kept being delayed. Which was incredibly frustrating. Especially when we ordered a box spring (from somewhere local) and had the old mattress and old box spring picked up on the day the mattress was supposed to arrive. When it was delayed, my husband had to take his post and pre-work naps on the floor.

It's finally here! 

It was not comfortable. So when everything finally arrived, you can just imagine how excited I was. I couldn't wait for my husband to wake up, so I dragged the "body bag" (my husbands description of the packaging) into the room to bust it open and get it set up. I figured he would be happier sleeping on the mattress anyhow.

One thing I love about Purple, is their packaging. They don't skimp. They want everything to arrive in excellent condition. And so it all did. There were even handles on the bag to make dragging it easier. 

The body bag comes with handles! 

The shrink wrap was easy enough to cut through and then the mattress expanded out. I definitely advise you to have someone around to help as this was a two person job. I could not wait for bed time! It looked so inviting.

Sadly, sleep was not all I hoped it would be. I tossed and turned. The only somewhat comfortable position was on my sides. When laying on my back, it felt as though there was something pressing into my lower spine where the nerve damage is. The rest of me felt comfortable when lying still. My husband slept like a baby. 

Not giving up...

So now what.... My husband thinks we can get a memory foam topper of some sort to ease my back. I think the mattress itself is amazing. I truly believe this is the future for modern mattresses. Springs are a thing for the past. I just have to find the right firmness and I think this one was too much on the firm side. But like everything, don't take my opinion and run with it. What doesn't work for me, might just be the answer to your prayers. My husband absolutely loves this bed! And if you do consider it, remember this - they offer ways to try it in the store for some cities. Still not sure? Try it for 100 nights. If it doesn't work out, they will come pick up the mattress and give you a complete refund.

Though this one didn't work out, I still believe Purple mattresses are amazing. And somehow, we will make it work for me as well. So let me know what you think? Who made your favorite mattress?