Swim suits are the most difficult. Followed closely by pants. I feel awkward. Which translates to me thinking I look awkward too. It takes forever to find something that accentuates my curves satisfactorily. Everything is typically too loose/tight in the waist, but perfect length. Or too short. I usually have my kids in tow as well. They don't like waiting for mommy to try on clothes. Its considered boring. And now that I have quite the mom bod going on, these things are intensified. I'm not so well toned. Or tanned. Not like I used to be. My hips and thighs need toning, my belly is flabby with an extra 30 lbs that needs to go. But the most I seem able to do is sit ups in bed and squats while holding the baby and trying to bounce her to sleep.
Let me just explain something before any of you decide to go heavyweight on me about size. I don't think of this as beautiful:
This and larger is a death wish, no matter who you are. Its one reason I couldn't stand Mama June.
They used her gross obesity and lack of good manners from her and her daughter to turn them into celebrities. That, to me, is a gross way to entertain.
I believe that women are beautiful in their own way. Size doesn't matter, so long as you are healthy and happy for yourself. The above examples are sitting on the extreme ends of the spectrum. Everyone else has their place in between. I look at all the women I know and think each of them are beautiful. I don't judge them at all.
So where am I going with this? I don't feel beautiful. I'm 5'10" (ish - the scoliosis and spinal deterioration might have shortened me a little), and weigh in at 170-ish pounds. I wear a Large now. I'm the girl who was forever tall and lanky. My friends joked about setting up a fat bank to donate to me so I could have curves. My best attribute was a toss up between my long legs and my eyes. Everything else was flat and sharp. Then I had kids. I started to soften up. My rock hard abs went, came and went again in between pregnancies. I worked out and started eating less. Not so much healthy, just less. Now I'm nearly 30, have 4 children, and am 30 pounds over my healthy weight. My OCD screams at me when I sit and the side that is most crumpled from curvature in the spine has rolls. I look down and there is a roundness in the belly that makes my filter-less children ask if I'm having another baby or just fat. My reply, "I'm just fat." I don't want to be a super model. I don't want to look like a celebrity. I just want to lose 30 pounds and flatten the stomach a bit. Thanks to the back pain, as well as my age catching up to me, I'm finding that is easier said than done! I put off getting new clothes because I believed that I could get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes by the time my daughter turns 1. She's 8 months and I haven't lost a single pound... *head slap here*
What am I to do? Well, I'm setting new rules. I'm moving to plan B. I've told my husband how I feel. I'm getting him to realize that even though I love the fact he will always see me as beautiful, regardless of how I look, I need the support to lose the unhealthy weight. He has been very good at it! We make fresh smoothies almost every day. I've been buying healthy snacks. We gave up Pop Tarts and Doritos. I stopped buying cinnamon rolls, except for a once-in-a-blue-moon breakfast treat for the kids only. Laying off the pizza and cooking more foods that incorporate veggies. Cookies or ice cream are for special treats only. And are mostly given to the kids. Which reminds me... Side note: we tried a couple new ones. Hostess Twinkie version and Halo Top chocolate.
Can you believe that both were not to the adults liking, but the kids seemed to think they were okay? The Twinkie one tasted like birthday cake and the Chocolate one... tasted awful. Bland. Sugarless maybe? I barely withstood one spoon. Gave it all to the kids. They didn't seem to mind it. So much for the "better for you" ice cream. Its a lie! Guilt-free zone? Only because you are eating tasteless ice shavings.
Back to my journey of losing weight. I've been eating more salads. And to make them interesting, we added chicken. The one we really enjoyed was chicken cooked in balsamic dressing. It makes eating salads easier for my husband. He's not big on the greens.
We drink lots of water. Doing these things has made me feel better about myself. Then I checked the scale. Nothing. My husband weighs himself. Guess who lost 10 pounds? Uh huh. Then came a real test. With summer, comes the possibility of pool time or river fun. I had to get a swim suit for my 4 year old daughter and who else? Yes, me. I no longer fit into the ones I had. One of them hadn't been used in so long that the straps dry rotted. Who knew they could do that?! So the mom who hates shopping for clothes, let alone a bathing suit, heads to Wally World. All 4 kids in tow while my husband sleeps off a night of working. You know how much I dreaded trying them on? And there weren't many left to choose from. Its so late in the season, they had the crappy ones no one wants anymore.
Another way I find myself being reminded that I'm still pretty high on the hotness scale, would be the fact that my husband still gets excited when he catches me undressing. If you are in a relationship and don't have that kind of romance, I feel sorry for you. Doesn't matter how old you are. Its great having that physical attraction. I even put on the lingerie that was given to me at the bridal shower. As my mother-in-law said, sometimes its good to just feel pretty in them.
Now don't get me wrong, I've accepted and even embraced my Mom Bod. I have better defined hips and a bigger booty. And I love it. Heck, as of right now, I can actually say I have boobs. I just can't stand a muffin top. Or a spare tire. It drives me insane. Especially when I work out as often as I can. Just holding my daughter and doing squats while trying to get her to sleep is a workout.
So here goes. I'm embarking on a new trend. I'm going to love my Large(r) self. I'm going to teach myself to see it as beautiful. I won't give up on my desire to lose the extra pounds. I need that for my back issues. But I'm going to start investing in bigger clothes. Its time to get out of the rut of wearing the same handful of t-shirts and 2 skirts. I bought a skort and pair of shorts for the summer. I'm finding a style that will flatter my curves a little more. And I'm going to "flaunt it"!