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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Getting back into my routines...

Getting back in the groove...
My laziness in home life responsibilities has been showing lately. Home schooling while also working a full time job had become overwhelming to the point I wanted to just call it all quits and put them in school. My husband, who wasn't being supportive, was all for it. After all, he didn't want to take time out from what he does to help with what he deemed my responsibility. It made for quite a frustrating month. 
It came to a breaking point this past week. The conversation of divorce even entered the arena. Stress levels and migraines went through the roof as I tried to make sense of it all. I desperately grasped for moments of calm in the sea of chaos. Where did I go wrong? How do I get my feet back on solid ground? It didn't help to have someone accusing me of being all the things I strive to NOT be. Insult upon injury. 
I can't say my husband and I are getting better. But I do know I'm determined to fix my mothering issues. I've buckled down on being on a daily schedule. It's helped me catch up on what I've fallen behind in. They are enjoying the school work a little more so it's not a chore.
I'm cleaning as needed instead of all the time as a way to avoid other projects. Don't get me wrong, I'm still OCD about cleanliness. I just won't clean the same mess every couple minutes (kids toys) just so I don't have to do something else that is more important. 
I've noticed that the stress and lack of enthusiasm (depression if you will) has caused the pounds to once again pile on. Normally I'd consider it a blessing. I've gone down two pants sizes in the past three months. But considering my only workouts are those at work or cleaning at home, the excess is gathering in the middle. At work it's all weight lifting and walking. Carrying those 50 pound bags of dog food or hauling 20 pound boxes up ten foot ladders. The upper body strength is great. It's one of the things I said I'd work on this year anyhow. But it's not trimming the stomach which is building a gut. I've also gotten to where I eat simply because I'm depressed and not because I'm hungry. The things I eat aren't part of the healthy spectrum. So I'm getting back to disciplining my health. I need to set a better example for those looking up to me.
Cutting back on sweets. Limiting my portions. And working out those abs more. I've got Just Dance games for the Xbox 360 as well as the Wii. Playing them will also give me a chance to have fun with my kids. I used to be so much more energetic and fun. It's time to bring that back. 
I can't guarantee roses and sun shine every day. The daily grind and constant battles that I feel I must fight alone, often threaten to drag me down. I get my happiest moments from my children.
It's a conscious choice I have to make to get up and push back. To tell myself I can take it and more without falling. I'm not going to accept  failure and give up. It takes a lot, and I'm not alone in this scenario. I know I can't fool myself all the time. Some days I'm going to feel broken and I might even cry. I'll try to grab my journal and write the thoughts furiously flowing from head to hand in a river of emotions. Then I'll move on as if nothing is wrong. It's not always easy, but it's how I cope. And this is how I get through the difficult times. I'm getting back in the groove of accomplishments. I am going to make a better life somehow. One day at a time. For me and my kids. 
Remember this saying: "This too shall pass." No matter what it is, good or bad, it has it's limits and won't stick around forever. 

"The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly."
F. Scott Fitzgerald

2 comments:

  1. Great reminder of things. Keep looking to the positive. You'll get there. We all do. Just pick your path. The one you can live with. Remember too that you are LOVED!

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    1. It can be hard to remember, but I do try. Being positive is a battle worth fighting everywhere!

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